Prom's Journal

[innergothkid]

I feel guilt about how I've treated people because of my addiction, but I don't feel guilty about any P that I watched. There are things I wouldn't want most people to know that I'd watched out of fear for judgement, but I don't feel that any of it was inherently wrong for consenting adults to take part in.

I mean, I don't like how the constant access has affected me psychologically, but I don't feel any considerable shame. But I've had considerable interaction with the local kink community where consent is the highest law and you're never made to feel guilty for asking for what you want as long as you can take "no" for an answer.

Of course, I'm not very trusting of a "yes" either, so consent becomes its own bag of worms...

 

[Promise]

@ollie90
Thanks for the reply.  It's very reassuring to know that someone knows how I feel, and that we're dealing with it in the right way I'm feeling positive about the reboot at this point!  I think you're right about the menopause being harder than this.  This house is actually peaceful compared to how it should be, considering my brother, his wife and my nephew are also with us, and my brother's wife is pregnant with her second kid

Imagine that, menopausal, pregnant and withdrawals all in one house I probably have it the easiest out of all of them!

@innergothkid
I was never part of any 'community' or the like, never shared my kinks with any of my sexual partners.  My addiction has always been a very private thing.  Sounds like you've got your head on the right way so to speak I take it you cut ties with the community whilst quitting?

 

[Lilliput Haunt]

Hey man, digging the journal so far. Really like the bit about exercise, which I plan on getting around to once I finish my long-winded history 8)

I think it really helps to get out and go the gym the majority of the week. There can be challenges with that, sometimes working out can make me pretty randy, especially since a couple of my supplements have ingredients like maca and yohimbe, but honestly I think the activity overrides the potential for a relapse. As long as you keep your day full, you won't get bored.

Boredom is my biggest trigger.

Anyway, keep up the good work! Our counters are right about the same, so let's do this man!

 

[Promise]

Thanks for the comment, Lilliput!  Fortuitously there seem to be a fair few of us at around the same point!  That's one of the reasons I'm so hopeful; I've never had this kind of support before, with people all going through the same thing.  Together we're gonna do it for sure

I'm right with ya there, boredom being a trigger.  I probably won't have time to exercise today though, gotta cook for the family again, then I'm going to my friends house to do some video editing!  Fun stuff

 

[Anders]

I definitely feel guilty about what I've seen. I haven't watched anything illegal but I still think it's shameful. In the cold light of day some of the stuff is frankly disgusting, but when you are on the crest of the wave you keep on watching. You mentioned you are from the UK, it reminds me of an episode of the show Peep Show when Mark Corrigan laments the images 'burned onto his brain'. I feel like that. I hate the fact I can remember some of it.

 

[ollie90]

Hope the cooking went down better today promise! Hahaha
I was wondering if others felt so horny after exercise so I'm glad you guys have answered it here! It's massive catch 22 - I excerise to break my boredom and take my mind off things and consequently leads to me over excited! Cold shower afterwards knocks the wind out me though!

Good luck promise and keep going! Look forward to catching up on your progress in a few days.

 

[Promise]

@Anders: Thanks for the comment, sums it up pretty well.  Also I bloody love Peep Show.  Most consistently funny series ever imo

@Ollie: I kept it simple!  No new recipes was very tasty thank you ^_^ My Mum went out for dinner, so I didn't see her much today, but she seems in a much better mood.  Like Lilliput Haunt said, working out makes you randy, but the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.  I think it also makes you feel so good and energetic that you want to keep up the good progress.  If it makes sense, it's a sort of positive sexual energy, a genuine horniness, not a drown my sorrows, indulge my fantasies sort of horniness.  Exercise is definitely the way forward.

Day 5: A nice day!  My mood is much better than it was yesterday, thanks (I feel) in no small part to you guys.  I've always attempted reboot alone, and I would have had to face those feelings alone, with no 'soundboard', no real way to express them, keeping them bottled up.  No wonder I've caused myself enormous stress in the past.  This journal and your help may be the finest weapon against my addiction I've ever wielded.

We've been talking about exercise, well, I didn't do any today, I've kept relatively busy though.  Plus I've been keeping more fit in the past few days than I have in a fairly long while.  Tomorrow I intend to do a chest day, might get out for a jog for some cardio too.  I don't have work tomorrow, but I'll push myself to get up earlyish, as getting up too close to lunch time messes with my schedule a bit.

Anyway, enough about tomorrow, this is day 5!  I've had barely any cravings, barely any anxiety which is nice.  I went out shopping and cooking again as I mentioned, apart from that I did a little bit more work on my personal projects.  I can feel my motivation slowly building up, I'm almost excited to see where it takes me I also made good on my threat to go do some editing with my friend it's for a game review, live action footage mixed in with game footage, as well as clips and stuff.  If I do say so myself it's beginning to look ruddy good.  We've done a review each.  It's a lot of fun, and great to see creative projects like this come together.

I don't think I really have much else to say, which is probably a good sign.  As always, thanks for your comments, guys


Things I'm grateful for today:

• You guys again ^_^
• This weather!  Honestly, nicest British weather we've had in years.  Makes simple things like walking to the store much more enjoyable.
• My good friend I was editing with.
• The feeling that my motivation is gradually building momentum.
• Minimal anxiety and stress.
• Fun rewarding personal projects.

 

[innergothkid]

I probably won't have time to exercise today though, gotta cook for the family again, then I'm going to my friends house to do some video editing!  Fun stuff

You do video editing? I used to in high school, and early on in college. Got too busy with other stuff to keep at it. When I started poking around at it again, you practically had to be an AE wizard, and know half a dozen different tools. Hell, I was happy rotoscoping my lightsabers in by hand.

 

[skrodriguez]

I don't have work tomorrow, but I'll push myself to get up earlyish, as getting up too close to lunch time messes with my schedule a bit.

Helloooo! I think this is a really good idea. One of my findings has been that if I show discipline in one area, it's much easier to muster it for the reboot as well. In fact reflecting on sleep I would hazard to say that with increasing stimulus we don't allow ourselves 'respiration' time. Plants photosynthesize during the day, respire at night. My experience is that the repair cycle, both physical and emotional/mental requires a rested body to support the effort. This is one great aspect about my boring job - early starts. I have to get up at 5-5:30am which means I go to bed (light out) at about 8:30pm and sleep more hours. My god does it make a difference. The time passes and I'm not in front of a backlit screen and despite being a uni student inclined to go to sleep in the wee hours, I can't because of my job and am forced to pretty much follow the light rhythm and after a period on enforced adjustment, it's actually really good. The circadian rhythm can take some time to adjust but when in sync long and regular sleep can help to regulate the body. Stress, meat and sugary foods acidify the body and an acidic body is a breeding ground for illness. Not enough sleep doesn't allow the body repair time stressing other areas. The internet is such a stimulus, and so is digital intertainment. I think all of these things are great but I do realise the effect they are having on people's rest time. I did this little test on myself regarding internet/computer (at the time not thinking to focus on porn). I stopped using it for a week during the evenings. I wanted to know what I could do instead and how much it affected me. Well at that time I didn't have Facebook (only got it recently to manage a group as secretary of a club at my uni), or Whatsapp, but was still very much a computer person. What happened?
[list type=decimal]
[*]Well I just wound up reading stuff and couldn't stay awake as long.
[*]Slept like 4 10 hour nights in a row.
[*]Without a backlit screen and the dopamine of the internet/digireality I just couldn't, ahem, keep it up! Were this not also true of other things I didn't know at the time.
[/list]

***
I'll probably post this on my own journal thread as well simply so I have a copy of it. You bring up a good point @Promise.

 

[Promise]

You do video editing? I used to in high school, and early on in college. Got too busy with other stuff to keep at it. When I started poking around at it again, you practically had to be an AE wizard, and know half a dozen different tools. Hell, I was happy rotoscoping my lightsabers in by hand.

Yeah, there's a bit of a learning curve.  My friend is a lot better at it than I am.  I downloaded Lightworks, which is a free editing software, but it's nothing like any of the ones I've used before :/ I used to like Vegas, but it's like ~?230.  My birthday is coming up, so maybe I'll treat myself


@skrodriguez good points well made.  In the end I kinda failed to get up early, I was up at 10am but I went to sleep at around 1AM, so I think that's fair.  People our age should be getting 8-9 hours a night ideally.  Still, I've made time to work out, so I'm happy enough

 

[innergothkid]

Sleep is the major thing I'm looking to improve outside of my reboot. I haven't been sleeping well at all the last few months. Getting a good night of sleep is important for so many reasons. A lot of the same reasons that we're rebooting.

And that's cool. I always preferred Adobe Premiere over any other software that I used, but there's so much add-on stuff that is completely beyond me at this point. Editing software isn't cheap, though. I do still want to get a really nice pro-sumer camera though.

Hope you've had an easy day. It's pretty late in the morning here already, but I've barely started moving yet. o_0

 

[Promise]

Well I'll tell you how my day's been! :3

Day 6:
Been a pretty chilled out day.  Woke up at 10, had some porridge, as soon as that went down I started exercising.  Core workout followed by pushes, flies and some shoulder press thing.  Didn't end up going for a jog because I was pretty tired afterwards, but I really do need to get some cardio done!  Mostly I've been doing lifts and core exercises, but you can't afford to ignore cardio!  After that I did some lounging, played some games, spoke to my friends, posted on here a bit.  Then at about 6 I went to my friends house for some more editing.  Had some pizza, had a good laugh.  It's surprising how funny editing is, the things you can stumble upon, little effects you can use.  One of the bits of footage we gathered had this slow moving train, and you could clearly see the old fella in the front driving it and my friend made the footage zoom in dramatically on his face.  Sounds silly, but it made us laugh

In the morning I was feeling pretty good, had lots of energy for a workout, then after that I felt quite tired, then I started to feel really good; happy with my progress, energetic, content, motivated, all those feelings I strive for.  I remember thinking to myself 'I want to feel like this for the rest of my life'.  It's nice to feel that way, as it serves as a big reminder why I'm doing this.  I still don't feel 'confident' socially, but I'm sure all that will come in time.  I certainly feel more comfortable.  Like, I'm aware of when I'm being awkward and goofy, but I'm okay with it.  Whereas anxious old me would worry about coming off looking like a creep, I know I, and other people, have no reason to feel that way.  Awkward goofy people are endearing if you act with charm, kindness and devoid of malice, there really is nothing to worry about.  Now I'm sure I can be a little bit more comfortable in my skin, but like I said, it will all come in time.

I've calmed down a bit from my earlier high, and now I'm just tired and a little content.  Only the most minor urges to speak of, so it's all good


Things I'm grateful for today:

• Fun times with friends.
• Ordering way too much pizza
• A good workout.
• A great feeling and a 'glimpse of the other side'.

 

[innergothkid]

Yeah, I don't feel confident socially, but I do feel considerably less anxious too.

I think one of my favorite projects was one where we cut the Love Rollercoaster scene from Beavis and Butthead Do America together with The Aquabat's I Fell Sleep On My Arm. The dancing lined up perfectly with the music. It was wrong and hilarious all at the same time. It also had absolutely nothing to do with the Spanish Project we were working on, but we had a penchant for throwing random, unrelated stuff into our videos. Like randomly taking the music video for Led Zeppelin's Communication Breakdown onto the end of one of our Spanish skits.

There was also a very Monty Python feel to a lot of the stuff we did...

 

[skrodriguez]

Prom I'm glad it's coming along well! I've been reading your journal for the last...almost week and I can see an effort by you to really get active in the gym, or at least working out, maybe you do that at home, you know, one of those guys who has like their own room for that. Actually that's something I haven't gotten into, though I feel no lack of energy for it sometimes. Workouts. And I could benefit from them...hmmmmmmmmm. I do get out on my bike when I can and love to torture myself up the hills, like how much steam can I blow off before I go into total oxygen deficit? Cardio? Hell yeah. One hour above 120. I don't know what my maximum is. 180? I have mountain cyclists physique, which is to say I could benefit from some weights. I may take a leaf out of your book, and believe me, it will be a leaf to begin with! From there to a branch and from there to a bough.  ;D

You?re showing Promise....! Good job man, keep it coming.

Yeah, I don't feel confident socially, but I do feel considerably less anxious too.

I was never very confident socially. Probably still am not, well, it depends, because I'm a confident speaker, I just don?t always feel I can relate that well to others or don't find much of the stuff very interesting. In terms of women, I reall don't have much experience at all. I can talk to them just fine, but getting further along one sees I?m not very adept. Still, endearingly green I hope. Worked for one so I'm not trying it out on others for now.

 

[Promise]

@innergothkid

That's exactly the stuff I'm talking about spontaneous little things you stick in for a laugh, then actually end up making you laugh so much that you keep it in!

You?re showing Promise....! Good job man, keep it coming.

Meheheh :3

I have mountain cyclists physique, which is to say I could benefit from some weights.

They call that T-Rex mode!  Giant legs, little arms  ;D  I've never been to the gym in my life, as far as I can recall.  I have a few bits and bobs at home.  Luckily my room is big enough to allow for a little floor space for me to lie down on, and a bench for presses and stuff.  I've got a bench, a pull up bar you hang over a door frame, adjustable dumbbells, a few smaller hexagonal dumbbells (for when you need just a small amount of weight) some 1lb leg weights and some little things shaped like irons which help you go deeper in pushups :3

If you want to get into lifting, I really recommend Scooby.  His physique is a little bulky for my liking, but by jove he knows his stuff.  And he's pretty much the nicest guy on the internet.  If you're an absolute beginner, start here:
http://scoobysworkshop.com/beginning-workout-plan/

According to Scooby's own words, if you can do 10 good push-ups and 3 good pull-ups then try this plan:
http://scoobysworkshop.com/intermediate-workout-plan/


If you really want to get into lifting I think it's totally worth getting some adjustable dumbbells and a sturdy pull-up bar you can hang over a door frame.  There have been times when I havn't used them for weeks, but I always come back to them, and I've certainly got my moneys worth out of them.  It's a very rewarding way to spend your free time.  Especially if you like a bit of pain and gain  ;D

 

[innergothkid]

T-rex mode.

I've just about peaked as far as any gains I'm going to get at work. I lift 50-80 lbs. over and over again for 8 hours straight. Can't really tell by looking at the arms though. But my legs... calves are 17.5" even though I haven't really worked out in months. o_0

I do have a 50 lb. kettlebell which I haven't been working with lately, but when I was, work got super easy. Kettlebell exercises are pretty much more vigorous versions of the stuff I have to do at work (lifting, throwing, swinging, tossing.) Felt like a beast when I was doing KB workouts and then going to work and killing it in half the time. That's on my list of things to start doing again.

I think eventually we're going to have roommates moving into our exercise room. Which is going to suck.

Maybe I'll have to check out Scooby and get serious about lifting again...

 

[Promise]

You should   Like I said, it's a great rewarding way to spend your spare time.

Day 7:

Woo, one week milestone!

I've made it this far a fair few times before, but it always feels good.  This community will definitely help spur me on further.  I'm more serious than I've ever been about this.

I was working again today, driving around in the blazing heat.  Work days can often get me fairly stressed, as I mentioned earlier in my journal, it gives me way too much thinking time.  It can often be quite boring also!  So I tend to stress myself out a bit, worrying about all the things I used to look at, but I think I managed it much better today, remembering all of the tips and wisdom I've acquired off here, I'm able to talk myself down from a shame/anxiety spiral.  But, and this is going to sound strange, but I'm not sure what to do when I see an attractive lady in the street.  At the moment I just try and ignore them, or sometimes I'll see them and feel guilty.  The whole situation is kinda confusing, I don't know what I'm supposed to do :-\ blah, must make me sound like a right weirdo

Once again, only the most minor cravings, so that's pretty good.  I think I've gotten pretty good at just shutting down thoughts of porn early, and shutting off invasive thoughts.  I've been allowing my mind to wonder a teeeeny bit, mostly fantasizing about a friend of mine a little, but I usually stop myself before it gets too raunchy, or if I think I'm overdoing it.  Natural fantasy is a fine and healthy thing, but I don't want to rev my motor too hard, lest I get any urges.  I had some minor anxiety today, but really it wasn't as bad as it could have been.  I also felt kind of awkward in my own skin.  I told myself several times today, I don't need to be some Casanova, I don't need to impress anyone, I don't need to fret about women walking down the street or any of the old wank I used to look at.  I'm doing well, and I just need to relax and stick to the path of recovery.  This line of thinking kinda helped take the pressure off.  Just stop worrying about what people might think, or about what I need to be, and why I'm not rebooted back to normal yet.  I'm already on the right path, and I'm doing well

Anyway, once I got home my mood improved (Not that it was so bad before, just a bit flat with minor anxiety, but still generally positive) and I started messaging people, sorting out bits and bobs, didn't manage to get all of it done, because my friend from the last two entries invited me round for board games! ^_^ It was me, him, and one other good friend of ours.  We tried out these two new fast paced board games and it was so much fun!  Didn't have any anxiety with those guys, just lots of fun and banter.  So a positive end to an okay day!


Things I am grateful for today:

• One week!
• Board games and good friends.
• A bit of extra wisdom to help me stop being such a stressed out crazy person.
• Using the internet the way it's meant to be used, to keep in touch and share ideas.  It can be a wonderful thing.

 

[innergothkid]

That's kind of the same problem I've had. I'll start trying to fantasize about something, because I want to feel something for a real person, but I don't want to push too hard lest the fantasies become extreme and lead to relapse. It's tough not having any concrete boundaries, and not being able to feel anything for people that we want to. We'll make it though.

What board games did you play? I'm totally a board game junkie. Ascension is our favorite, of all the ones we own.

 

[Promise]

Escape: The Curse of the Temple!
http://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/113294/escape-curse-temple

And Coup
http://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/131357/coup


Escape is a co-operative game where you work to all get out alive, Coup is a game of bluffing, and it's fairly brutal.  Only one winner, no second place.  I managed to bluff my way into winning with a really weak hand, so I was quite chuffed ^_^

 

[innergothkid]

Escape sounds kind of like LEVEL 7: ESCAPE, which I have. It's semi-cooperative. You wake up in a lab full guards and alien creatures and have to escape. There are lots of games I still want to get.

Hope your day has gone well. I expect a full report.