Prom's Journal

[Promise]

Ooh, goth! (Can I call you that? What do you prefer?) you replied as I was writing my journal!  That sounds like a lot of fun, I love co-op board games.  Thing is I never grew up with any, they were always competitive.  That also sounds like a reverse version of Infiltration where you infiltrate a scientific facility where it's sort of co-op to begin with, but there's only one winner.  Report's gonna be slightly different today I think:

Day 8:

Fairly similar day to yesterday, sans the board game fun

Big long drive to do mah deliveries, long, boring, hot and as usual too much thinking time.  However, despite my old mental pitfalls regarding my addiction trying to haunt me I think since being more active on this forum I've become much more effective at shutting them down and rationalising them, helping me reduce stress and relax.  So I've been a little anxious today, but I've managed it overall.

I think the big thing to mention is this thread I just read thanks to skrodriguez:
http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0
It's all about our view on addiction and rebooting, and has some massively helpful advice.  It's a long thread, but DEFINITELY worth a read for anyone who's serious about this shit.  It's all about treating the addiction seriously, and getting to the route of the cause, rather than just shooting for a 90 day target.  Make a life change, that's what's missing from the cycle we've become stuck in.  I have to say it hit rather close to home.  It's quite late now, but tomorrow I think I'll start working on that there life plan.

It also mentions how it's helpful to focus on your life, rather than beating your addiction.  In fact try not to think about the addiction at all, 'monk mode' so to speak.  To that end, it's not helpful to mention porn, cravings, relapse etc.

I've added a spreadsheet to my signature (Find out how to set up your own here: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?PHPSESSID=e9a7d94952c1eb7c9a92aaf31351a29f&topic=14584.0 ).  When you have a day counter (And I'm rather guilty of this myself... completely guilty) you get so focused with your winning streak, when it's not about hitting a target, it's about eliminating our old addictions and building a new life.  When you go back to day 0 it's demoralizing if your target is (for example) a 90 day streak.  Many a time I've thought to myself "It's day 0, who cares if I PMO now".  But the truth is, by cutting down from 25 Os a month to 6 or 7, you're already winning.  This way relapse will be far less likely to trigger a binge.  That said, there's never a reason for you to greenlight a PMO.


I'm just re-iterating some of the parts that stuck out to me, but you should all definitely give it a read.



Things I'm grateful for today:

• A fantastic new outlook on this whole process.
• Knowing and proving that I'm stronger than my demons.
• Internet friends.
• Good radio and good music
• Accountabillabuddy

 

[Promise]

Just came soooo close.  Head ache and feeling sick.  I don't know what gripped me so hard, but I feel like I was a hair's width away from seeking out the P.  It's almost 1am now, and I'm just sitting in the dark, listening to music, breathing and relaxing.  I'm feeling much better now.  Thing is, at the time it feels like that feeling is never going to pass, but it can't have lasted more than half an hour.  It's like I wasn't listening to my own advice that I posted on Innergothkid's journal, that you know the cravings always pass in a few minutes.  It's like all that goes out the window when you're in that intense craving/need to medicate mode.

The article I posted earlier said it's not helpful to talk about cravings, but I'm not sure I fully understand that yet.  I mean, that was a craving for sure, and surely it's more helpful to talk about this stuff, rather than keep it to one's self?

Well anyway, I'm going to listen to a bit more relaxing music then probably watch something nice and cheerful in bed ^_^

 

[innergothkid]

Stay strong. I'd have to fly over there and kick your ass if you left me here at the 9ish day mark by myself.

We both know it passes.

 

[Promise]

Nothin' like the threat of violence to keep you on the straight and narrow!

See you tomorrow!

 

[Lilliput Haunt]

Man, those subtle temptations, right?

I think I know how you felt the other day. I don't know how I got on the subject, but I was on Craigslist shopping for furniture, when for some inexplicable reason, I drifted over to the personals. Big mistake. Talk about a minefield. Things certainly got close for me.

That's really the issue. One thing leads to another, and as it goes, willpower erodes as each barrier is crossed.

Oh, I'll just look at some of these personals. Well I mean, I can touch myself a bit, no harm there. Alright, well I can edge...

And so on. You have to identify the signs at the onset and shut it down fast.

Good on ya for resisting though. We're both doing it.

 

[innergothkid]

Nothin' like the threat of violence to keep you on the straight and narrow!

See you tomorrow!

Hey, I know what I've got to work with. Violence, violence, and more violence.

So, I read through those threads that you posted. Gleaned lots of good material from there.

Obviously you're working on video editing, but "big picture," what are you working on? What's your goal? Where are you headed? I mean, it did say to take up to a week to think about it. But it also said to start discussing it in your journal. So start discussing it!

 

[Promise]

Aww man, if I knew this thing was gonna have homework assignments I'd still be jacking it in a dimly lit untidy bedroom

As it turns out I'm writing a journal entry in a well lit untidy bedroom

Off the top of my head, my current major motivators are: get good at this editing shiz and increasing my proliferation.  Ideally I'd like to get a set up so I can do entire videos by myself if need be.  I want to get more involved and work harder at my creative projects, re-sharpen my CGi and learn to build beautiful scenes, learn how to do proper VFX, greenscreening, tracking etc. so I can fully incorporate them into videos when I need to.  Get a little better at drawing maybe, so I can design things like props and storyboards and comics.  Get better at writing scripts and articles too.  I think it would be so fulfilling if I could do all that effectively.

Learn the piano.  I want to be able to improvise blues and classical music.  I've learned a few simple songs, I want to take it further.

My new career.  Once all of these background checks and things are sorted, and I actually start my new job I want to work hard and make a good impression.  Be myself and build a proper career.  Take on as much, learn as much as possible, do all the courses and lessons I can.

My home life.  Move into a flat and get it the way I like it

Friends and family: Afterwards, keep my family close.  With this new job and new flat, I won't be living with or working for my family, so it's important I remember to stay close to them, and repay the people who raised me and put up with me for so long.  Be there for my friends, don't flake on dates just because I don't feel like it, or I'm 'too comfy' where I am.  Help them with their own projects where I can, and most of all just ruddy enjoy their company as I already do

My body:  Work out hard, do lots of cardio and never skip leg day, bro!  Look after my body and my health.  After all the body is a temple.  On a related note, love thyself.  I'm a good guy, and with a little work I'm gonna be a great guy.

Romance: Meet more people and build up relationships, ultimately I want to get a girlfriend.

Fill my free time with fulfilling activities.  Learn something new, work on creative projects, TRY something new.  Video games and the internet are wonderful, and will never leave my life, but I will spend far less time monging out on 9Gag or playing hours of LoL beyond the point where it's pleasurable anymore.  If it's not fulfilling, maybe it's not what I need to be doing?

There's such potential in my life, and the thought of it all coming true makes me giddy

So that's off the top of my head right now, it might be worth working out the finer details like a plan, and adding more to it at some point.  I look forward to reading yours too innergothkid!  And anyone else who happens to be reading, time to get our shit together, eh?


Day 9:
So after last night's near miss, I had some strange dreams, and a vivid semi-awake state.  In the end I probably woke up at 8.45am feeling funny, but pleased I didn't relapse.  Had a cuppa and checked the forums and shit, entertained my blasted nephew for a little while, letting him play on the piano (even though he's thrown things at me several times today and hissed at me because I wouldn't get out the way of his TV programmes ) sporadically worked on our video project throughout the day, as days go on, when I actually get down to work on it I seem to be making more progress every time.  Should be done soon hopefully!  After lunch I did some exercise, pull day!  I did some pull ups much slower and more thoroughly than I usually do, and they were ruddy difficult.  Then did some rows and chin-ups and curls, by that point I was pretty knackered D: and couldn't finish the rest of the routine, but I figure if you literally can't do anymore then it's been a good workout.  I'll aim to get further and do more every time.  Pretty happy with the way my body is looking, but I want to get bigger, fitter and more toned.  So the top half of my body was knackered, then I went for a jog for some cardio, down a hill and up a flight of about 130 large stairs which killed my legs, but felt good!

Later on I was monging out on 9gag, and there were a few triggers on there.  I think I wasted too much time on there, it gave me a head ache and made me crave.  Then I spent a few hours just playing games, vegging and feeling ennui.  After a bit I lied in the garden for a while and had a nice bubble bath and now I feel a bit better.  For a while though I had a sure craving.  I tried to block 9gag with K9, and it says it's on the block list, but the site isn't actually blocked which is rather strange.  Oh well, I'll just have to exert will power to make sure I don't over-browse I guess.  Someone on here said it mimics porn, and I think I kind of agree.  Writing the above 'life plan' was also enjoyable and therapeutic.

So that's been my day!  Ups and downs!

Things I am grateful for today:

• My scamp of a nephew.  Trying, but sweet
• A darn good workout.  Cheers, Scooby!
• My family.
• Hope for the future.
• My progress so far.

 

[innergothkid]

I'm on my and exhausted, but I wanted to say that that's a good looking list and it sounds like you had a good day. Keep on keeping on.

 

[Anders]

10 days is great! I am creeping up on the holy grail of 7. I came on here because I had massive cravings. A bikini-clad selfie posted by a friend on facebook. Isn't it amazing how much of a creep you turn into?

Whatever 9gag is I think I really don't want to go there given what you say about it!

I have really found the working out helps me too. I think part of it is the psychological feeling of being a man you get when you train, which is the complete opposite feeling that pornhubbing away at 3 in the afteroon with the curtains drawn gives you.

 

[Promise]

Day 10/0

Today started out as just a lazy Sunday, spent all my time playing games, browsing 9gag and doing nothing of worth.  Eventually the ennui struck and I lost my resolve and PMOd twice.  Binged a little the second time.  That's fine though, because I've made lots of progress this week, not just with my reboot, but with my life.  I've learned so much, and my mind is much clearer on what to do next, I don't feel bad about it.

Cause of slip: Boredom, ennui, overindulgence in wasteful activities.

Resolution: Research some new hobbies, perhaps a craft, a physical activity, something I've never thought of before, so when I don't feel like doing work, I'll have something to embroil myself in.  I kinda wanted to try meditation, learning how to do that is definitely a good idea.

For the first time in my ~2.5 years of trying to quit I really realise I'm not back to day 0 after a slip.  I've built something up that no one can take away; a vision of the future.

The only reason I feel kinda bad is that I feel as though I let my accountability partner down, but this ain't over, not by a long shot


Tomorrow: Leg day (never skip it, brah!), Cooking, fleshing out some areas of my life plan, pick up a new hobby, learn to meditate.


Things I am grateful for today:

• More positive after a slip then I ever have been.
• My family.
• Clarity.
• Finally blocked that sodding 9gag thingy

 

[innergothkid]

Get back on it!

 

[Anders]

Definitely. There is a cumulative effect from consistently working at something, even when it doesn't always come out right the first time. 

Not many people can do what you did. I never have.

 

[Promise]

Nvm, sorted it!

I might make a post about this on the main porn addiction forum, I was gonna ask what hobbies you guys have?  Might be cool to take up something out doors.  I also want something I can do at any time, say I'm stuck indoors with nothing to do, I can just do it here or go out and do it like photography.  Was thinking maybe even something water sports related.  We live near the sea here, so that might be an option

 

[innergothkid]

Glad it didn't hit you too hard, at least.

And the only really consistent hobby lately has been drinking. I can't really recommend that one. Although, I haven't relapsed PMO-wise, so that's saying something...

 

[Promise]

Day 0!:

We've established that I don't put as much weight on the day counter as I used to, but I started the format, so I might as well keep it up!  So today I woke up and was pretty positive in the morning, once the day got going.  Finished another stage of my 3D model, so I was happy with that.  Then I went shopping and cooked dinner for the family again, went really well this time ^_^ was tasty!  Then after dinner, did a teensy bit more CGi, then ennui struck once more.  It only caused faint cravings this time, but I can recognise that PMO won't help anything, so despite the cravings I wasn't too tempted.  Started listening to this meditation audiothingamy that I downloaded.  Did a few minutes, but didn't have the patience for it (same reason I didn't become a doctor.  Hehehehehehehehehhehhehhhhehheheheh.) Then I played some Civ V, but it's okay because it's the first game I've played all day.  Played about 20-30 mins I guess, and I stopped just as I felt the ole brain fog coming on (I don't know if anyone can relate, but that point at which you stop doing an activity for fun, and just continue doing it out of impulse).  I need to recognise this feeling and nip it in the bud, because I've identified it as a trigger.  Then I had a bath, now I'm here!

So today was alright, didn't work out in the end (I know what you're thinking: 'Prom u cheeky little shit u said never skip leg day!') I know I know, but I never said anything about POSTPONING leg day!  I didn't really feel like it/couldn't fit it in most of the day, hopefully I'll feel like it tomorrow.  I find you can't force these things.  Tomorrow I want to get out and do something new.  This curtain rail has been busted for ages, so maybe I'll attempt to fix that, go to Wilkinson and buy a new one or something.  Preferably I wanted to do something new and exciting, but... y'know baby steps I guess

Another thing I thought about earlier was swing dancing!  I used to do it at uni for a while, it was great fun and a great way to meet women as it involves pairing up and switching partners.  It's crazy how quickly you get a feeling whether you're compatible with someone when you spend a minute learning to dance with them It's a really cool dance style too:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myJj0mNNe1Y
And one of my favourite pubs in town used to do classes, I'll check if they still do!

Still looking for more hobbies that I can just pick up whenever the ennui sets in, preferably something away from the PC, maybe something crafty or physical.  Not drinking though, innergothkid


Thing's I'm grateful for today:

• Rom-pom, ta ta ta dee, da da, doo dabba da dee! (Translation: pretty cool music, and remembering swing dancing!)
• Cooking went well!  Hurrah!
• Tiny nephew, massive pest.
• Finally finished unwrapping this sodding 3D project.  Made fairly good headway today.

 

[Anders]

I enjoy cycling. It gets you out into the countryside for hours and is pretty knackering. If you don't set your bike up correctly and sit on the saddle wrong you can go numb down there. Definitely wouldn't be fapping after that 

Seriously, though, I do weights and cycling. I like the physical stuff when I'm trying to do this reboot because I feel almost psychologically that I am channeling the 'power' into something else. Sexual urges are 'manly' things and so is physical endeavour. I don't want to sound macho because I'm really not. It just seems like all the energy is linked somehow. Lots of sports coaches have a no sex/masturbation rule the night before big games.

 

[Promise]

That's a possible!  Don't have a bike though

 

[innergothkid]

You could take up knitting. My ex actually got me a set of needles. I've knitted one scarf. That is the extent of my knitting career. It would certainly keep your hands busy.

I did take a swing dancing class at a bar while I was vacationing in New Orleans. Haven't been able to find the same style here, and that was the only one I really cared for. I'm worthless on my feet, but it was fun.

You could paint miniatures. Or read books. Or... I can't really think of anything that's super active that you could do without going somewhere. Not anything you could just start doing if you got an urge. I like to garden, but there's only so much you can actually do in a day unless you just keep buying more and more plants. I worked at a nursery, and even we ran out of things to do some days. (Usually when too many people were scheduled.)

You could take up tai chi. But that still probably requires you to go somewhere. At least, until you learn enough to start practicing on your own. Honestly, I've forgotten almost everything I learned. Maybe I should find out if my instructor is still teaching a class and request those days off of work. The shitty thing is that that means I'd have a Thursday off every week, and that would really screw up my days off.

Here, perfect all of these: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POdzasJklxw

That is your new mission in life.

 

[Promise]

Stellar ideas sir!  I need to get making a few props for a show me and my friend wrote, perhaps I'll work on crafting some things   Knitting doesn't really seem like my thing though And I certainly havn't done enough reading lately!

Last night I think I was feeling the chaser effect, my mind kept wondering, and images kept popping into my head.  I just ignored them and went to sleep.  Now 'tis the morning and I'm feeling fine!

 

[Promise]

I can still move my legs, I don't think I worked out hard enough