Prom's Journal

[Promise]

Day 1:

I'll try and keep this short as I want to get off to bed.

Woke up really late, like 10.30-11, I can't remember exactly.  Had some interesting dreams which is always nice.  Got up, had some breakfast and lazed around playing video games.  Did a bit more work on my CG projects and asked my friends if they'd like to play board games and they did ^_^  just got back from that which was fun!  Pizza and board games, living the nerd dream.  It was nice to see them, but since I've got back from Germany I've had headaches, lethargy and brain fog.  Dunno if it's to do with my slip or whatever.  Had a couple of flash backs and cravings, but nothing I can't handle.  I want to get active again, get out of this lazy brain foggyness.  I'm sure it'll pass soon.  For the first time I've been feeling apprehensive about my new job, mainly because if I feel like I do now, I won't have the go-getter attitude I really want, and the whole experience will be a little less pleasant.  Hopefully I can shift this mood in time for induction next week, which I'm sure I can.  Things should pick up to the way they were before I left and I can get back on track.

Things I'm grateful for today:

• Board games and pizza!
• My friends and family.
• This crappy mood already feels like it's passing.

 

[Promise]

Day 2:

(Professor Farnsworth voice): Good news everyone!  My mood has generally been much better today.  Things are progressing with regards to my new job which is nice.  I did wake up feeling the same as I did yesterday, just down and brain foggy.  But once I left the house and got into the sunshine I cheered up a fair bit.  After that, got to work, went out on the round which was a fairly relaxed one.  Came home and had a cuppa, then played some vidya games.  I played a few rounds and it frustrated me, so I'm calling it a night and going for a bath.

My anxiety and mental foibles are all so much better than they used to be.  I guess this forum has been the therapy I never knew I needed.

The frustration from the game caused a craving, and I've had a couple of flashbacks today.  I didn't entertain them as per usual.  I've been trying not to think about sex or anything, but often when my mind drifts I just think of women and dating.  I think maybe my slip has triggered some of those flashbacks, because I rarely got them before.  I'm not worried though, as I don't entertain them.  I have fairly good mental fortitude.

So that's that, pretty relaxing day, minor cravings, not as much of a mental case as I used to be, mood has been up and down.  All in all fairly positive though.


Things I am grateful for today:

• Nice drive in good weather.  Relaxing day.
• Organised to go see a movie with my friend from uni who I don't see in person often.
• Nice messages from my friend.
• Much less apprehension regarding my new job.  More excitement.

 

[innergothkid]

Day 2:

(Professor Farnsworth voice): Good news everyone!  My mood has generally been much better today.  Things are progressing with regards to my new job which is nice.  I did wake up feeling the same as I did yesterday, just down and brain foggy.  But once I left the house and got into the sunshine I cheered up a fair bit.  After that, got to work, went out on the round which was a fairly relaxed one.  Came home and had a cuppa, then played some vidya games.  I played a few rounds and it frustrated me, so I'm calling it a night and going for a bath.

My anxiety and mental foibles are all so much better than they used to be.  I guess this forum has been the therapy I never knew I needed.

The frustration from the game caused a craving, and I've had a couple of flashbacks today.  I didn't entertain them as per usual.  I've been trying not to think about sex or anything, but often when my mind drifts I just think of women and dating.  I think maybe my slip has triggered some of those flashbacks, because I rarely got them before.  I'm not worried though, as I don't entertain them.  I have fairly good mental fortitude.

So that's that, pretty relaxing day, minor cravings, not as much of a mental case as I used to be, mood has been up and down.  All in all fairly positive though.


Things I am grateful for today:

• Nice drive in good weather.  Relaxing day.
• Organised to go see a movie with my friend from uni who I don't see in person often.
• Nice messages from my friend.
• Much less apprehension regarding my new job.  More excitement.

Apparently I haven't been responding to your journal posts. Glad you're feeling a bit better today. My mood is still kinda meh, but I ordered tickets for the show tonight, so we'll see. Ditto on the therapy. This is exactly what we need.

 

[Promise]

Connotation free therapy five?

 

[Promise]

Don't leave me hanging

Day 3:

Today's been a bit of an odd day for me emotionally.  I've mainly been bored at work, but I also kind of feel a bit... withdrawaly.  And I feel like I have the horn today.  Been thinking about women all day.  Don't get me wrong, been keeping my mental fortitude hat on, no fantasizing, and no glancing at attractive ladies, just been thinking about women and dating, even though I've tried not to think about it too much.  A couple of my old neuroses popped up, but like I've mentioned before, I'm much better at analysing them and rationalising them to the point where they can't bother me much any more.  So that's good!

I don't have much else to say, which I guess is a good sign.  I suppose it's worth mentioning that I've felt a little socially awkward, but that'll fade further down the line I guess.  I hope

Off to London to see a friend from uni, and we're going to watch Guardians of the Galaxy at the imax which should be sweet!


Things I'm grateful for today:

• An uneventful day.  (No events means no bad occurances, right? )
• Been messaging someone on OKCupid :3
• Honestly, really don't have much else to say, not to say that there's nothing else to be grateful for, so I'll mention my progress and my relative happiness with how life is.

 

[innergothkid]

*bro five*

Sorry. Haven't been around much. I'm in pretty bad flatline, and emotionally I've been all over the place, but especially down. Keeping up with my own and other journals has seemed like a serious chore. I'll try to be better about it.

Good luck with OKC, and have fun at the movie (or hope you had fun at the movie... I don't know how long ago this was.)

We'll get through withdrawal. Just takes a bit of fortitude.

 

[Promise]

I understand mate, been going through a bit of that myself the past couple of days.  We're right there with each other I guess   that's one of the things that helps, knowing there are people here who know exactly what you're going through.

Day 4:

Yeah!  Bretty good.

Things I am gratef-

Okay okay, I'll write a bit more.  So I went to see GotG today and it was fucking AMAZING.  Saw it at the IMax in all it's glory and it looked so delicious.  It was so sexy it was basically a trigger.  So witty and funny too, so I had a great time watching that.  Got a free poster of it too

Before that I obviously got up, finished the Chinese food I ordered from yesterday (not exactly a healthy breakfast, but oh well!), then played some CivV which was fun.  It was quite addictive, but I managed to pull myself away from it to don my backpack and head for the train.  'Twas lovely and sunny, had a nice little train ride, read some hunger games, then met with my friend in London.  I was feeling a lot more confident today, a lot more laid back and that.  Joking with the waitress when we ordered food, just feeling more relaxed and, dare I say, attractive.  Not in an obnoxious arrogant way though.  Just easy going.  Had a nice time with my mate, saw the movie, had a walk around Buckingham palace and headed off home on the tube.  My friend was with me for a few stops, then he had to go.  This woman next to me was looking quite cramped on the tube, she kept looking at me, so I gave her a little space and asked if she was okay.  She smiled at me and says she was.  She was quite pretty too, probably mid twenties.  I saw her keep looking at me out of the corner of my eye, and when I looked back she gave me this big grin and I smiled back.  Even when people got off and there was more space, she actually moved closer to me and shared the little thingamy I was leaning on.  I think I probably should have struck up a conversation, but I had been trudging around London most of the day and wasn't feeling my freshest.  It was still nice, and helped my confidence a bit, but I was kicking myself about not talking to her!  Should have just had some gum and manned up

Oh well!  It couldn't have come at a better time really, because I've been thinking about relationships a lot, and feeling a little lonely.  Fantasizing about them again I definitely want a girlfriend now.  I'm feeling more motivation to get one, feeling more confident and attractive and loveable.  It's a slow upward trend, 2 steps forward 1 step back sort of deal.  But I'm feeling a bit like less of a creep, and more of an attractive single young man.  Gonna keep focusing on my life, working out, working on my job, doing my hobbies, meeting my friends and shiz, just working hard on being who I want to be.  I think innergothkid can sympathise when I say I'd like a fuller head of hair though

I've been exchanging a couple of messages on OKC too, nothing toooooo promising, but it's a start I guess I'm so inexperienced at this whole dating and courting thing though, it's going to take some learning.  How to pick up and act on the signs, overcoming my timidness etc.

Apart from that, my anxiety poked its head up a few times, but the more time goes on, the better I am at dealing with it, the less it effects me and the more confident I am about my recovery.

So a very positive and enjoyable day.


Things I am grateful for today:

• Lovely tube smiles :3
• Mah good friend, an awesome movie and a great day.
• I'm too sexy for my shirt, so sexy that it hurts.
• innergothkid deciding not to leave me hanging.
• Generally just happy.

 

[Promise]

Last night I was feeling really horny in bed.  I just felt like having an MO.  I didn't fantasize, so it's not a slip in the rules of my reboot, although obviously I want to try and cut down on that as much as possible.  I felt okay at the time, but this morning I feel like I've come down with something.  I feel a little bit ill and like I'm going through withdrawal and chaser at the same time 3:

I know none of that shit will help me though, and I shouldn't use it to medicate.  Even if my mind tricks me into thinking it will help.

 

[Promise]

I'm gonna have to force myself to eat something; I havn't eaten anything all day and I feel queasy I had such a strong desire to self-medicate, it was one heck of a craving.  I had a cold shower, now I'm gonna listen to some music, then once I've collected my shit I'm probably gonna go for a walk.  Just get out of the house y'know.  But I figure if I can weather a craving this bad, I'll be able to overcome almost anything.

 

[jnv]

I'm experiencing the same thing about fantasising at the moment. Though I don't watch P at all, my brain seems to be trying to trick me into getting getting stimulation from my memory of P.
Getting rid of these thoughts is my current goal and I'm working on it. I don't mean eradicate the thoughts I can get if I come across a nice pair of legs when on the bus or whatever, these are just normal, I mean the thoughts that come where there is no reason for them to pop out from nowhere and which can become triggers.
I her you as well when you talk about withdrawals. I fantasised quite a lot 2 days ago and yesterday I felt weird with like no motivation at all, weak to the point where I was about to skip my daily work out. I had to take an ice cold shower which instantly got me back on track and I went for a crazy workout session.
I'm trying to think that fantasising can drain your power the same way P does.

Keep up the hard work and stay strong!

 

[Promise]

Thanks for the post jnv!  Personally I even try to avoid seeing a nice set of pins on the bus or whatever.  I just try and avoid sexual stimulation altogether if I can.  Focus on talking to people and dating and that :3

Pornographic fantasizing is among those activities which cause unnatural dopamine spikes, so I try and avoid that, and I've been successful recently.  Earlier today I was getting flashbacks to something I watched last time I had a slip (just after I got back from Germany) and it caused a really intense craving.  Then I had a cold shower and made my last post.

I've been for a little walk, went to superdrug and bought a couple of toiletries and bits and bobs I needed, took the scenic route home.  I'm feeling MUCH better now.  Still a touch shaky, but I can do this easy.  I had a thought on the way home, regarding the question of "should I watch porn now?" the answer is always no.  It's always such an obvious and easy answer.  In a way it's kind of comforting, and removes doubt from ones mind that abstinence is the right thing to do.  I'm going to try not to MO too, as it might have played a part in my mood today.  I think there were other underlying things too, such as withdrawals, and maybe a bit of illness or whatever, but the chaser effect is a heartless bitch.

I still want to talk about dating and things though.  How does dating usually go for other people?  Any advice?

 

[innergothkid]

Bold motherfucker, don't you limit your mind!

Don't mind me. Just quoting Disturbed. The point being, stay strong. Like the rock. Not "The Rock," just the rock.

And, well, I'm not currently in a relationship, so obviously what I did didn't work out. But honestly, I think I'm done with online dating. I was dating online because I was broken and couldn't manage in the real world. And I haven't yet met someone online who wasn't also seriously broken. I'm not saying that it's not possible to meet someone worthwhile online, but so far, I've only met people who had serious issues that they needed to sort out before they got into a relationship. Myself included.

So, the only other advice I have is to go to college and pick up all the smart hottie's.

But, most importantly, be unabashedly yourself. You don't want someone to fall in love with someone who isn't you. That's the kind of shit you just can't fix.

You don't fap, mofo! You're like the biggest news this side of 1998! Own that shit! Everybody wants you.

 

[Promise]

Yes, that be yourself is good advice!  Otherwise all of your time with this person will be spent under a facade.  That sounds downright exausting.  I've made some friends from OKC and had a couple of dates, my experience of it is generally positive.

 

[innergothkid]

Soldier! Pull yourself together!

And I've made friends, and had fairly long relationships with people from OKC, but that didn't change my previous statement.

No chaser, dude. No chaser. You've got this.

 

[Promise]

Turns out I don't got this, turned into a proper binge

Cause of relapse:
A cocktail of shitty feelings.  I managed to weather the worst of it, then I was really stupid just browsing photobucket until I came across a nude vid.  I knew what I was doing, I was just being stupid.  After that it was a binge.  My usual mental fortitude cracked a little under the pressure.

Resolution:
Don't be such a silly shit, don't browse sites when you know it'll only act as a trigger, don't ever entertain thoughts of P.  Man up and deal with the shitty feelings.


Tomorrow I'm gonna pick up where I left off, working on my life.  Gonna try and get a good night's sleep, 'cos last nights was rubbish.  This relapse still hasn't dented my positivity.  It was naughty, sure, but I can pick myself up after this. and build on the progress I've made so far.

 

[innergothkid]

Filters man. Filters. K9 or any others. Add photobucket and any other dangerous stuff.

 

[Promise]

First time I've done anything stupid on Photobucket, usually I'm more disciplined than that.  I'm having a little internal struggle, because I really don't want to block Vimeo, it's such a great site, but it has lewd stuff on it 3:

I think I just need to stop being such a silly tit

 

[innergothkid]

I think I just need to stop being such a silly tit

Well, that's a given.

Block everything, dude. Block everything. Just one more thing you're wasting time on instead of living your life.

 

[Promise]

I don't consider Vimeo videos a waste of time though, there's some fabulous stuff on there.  Just earlier today I watched an amazing time lapse of someone traveling though North Korea.  Then there are some of my internet shows and stuff, things that give me genuine pleasure that I don't want to give up.

 

[ollie90]

I know the exact position you found yourself in man! Browsing the net , knowing deep down where it's leading! It's is just ridiculous and like you I can only blame myself. Need to find out feet again and move on - which yet again you seem determined to do! Not sure what vimeo is , but is there an alternative site you can follow for a while which contains less lewd images? It is clearly a trigger man and perhaps some time away is the only answer? I've accidently come across a an incognito search function on my phone which overcomes the blocks and my internal fear of being found out - this is being my negativity and what's holding me back.

I heard people talk about meditation ect - never believed in it tbh - have you tried it?

Good luck pal! Need to get the counter up this time - makes it seem like a bigger commitment and more worthy of retaining than a couple of days which are easy to replace - that's my plan anyway!