See them grow up

[LetItGoAlready]

WIP - Full credit to you for staying positive and self-aware, and for having compassion for your wife's suffering during the lockdown. You're making great progress here, and that is something to celebrate and feel good about.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Such a relief to have a laptop again. Have felt a bit lost without being able to come here in the last week or so. Still on "gardening leave". Once I'd completed all the stuff I'd planned, I've felt a bit pointless and lost. When I'm triggered, I usually have an understanding of the source. When I was triggered this week, there didn't seem to be anything.... maybe that lack of purpose is what caused it? The amazingly good thing about gardening leave, even in lockdown, is that I can spend lots of time outside, which I'm doing. The good thing about not having had a laptop, is that P hasn't been an option outside my own head, which I'm managing to avoid by focusing on that "live in this moment" vibe. Hopefully I'll be able to post more often now.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Continuing to say "yes", wherever possible, which saw me in the sea this very cold morning, much against my better judgement. Appears to help me stop isolating and getting inside myself. I'd become a "no" person during my more deeply addicted years. Desire for P still presents itself, though. Being busy and staying offline seem to be as good a defence as anything. I'm worried about what will happen when I'm back at a desk, online all day. For now, things are peaceful enough.

 

[Andrew1973]

Glad to hear you're making the most of your gardening leave WIP. When does your new gig start?

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Well done on staying busy and offline, WIP. The time away sounds like it's helped you get outside of yourself and focus your attention on other things. Wishing you more peaceful times ahead, friend.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Supposed to be last day of gardening leave today. Found out this morning that my "employer" actually terminated me last week, without notice, consultation or notification, and stopped paying me last Friday. I'm shocked to the point of shaking like a leaf. They've decided that I did something that breached my contract and summarily stopped my salary, without process or notice. Despite knowing that they are absolutely in the wrong, I feel guilty and ashamed. That's what a lifetime of lying and living in the shadows has done to me. Even when I'm in the right, I feel guilty with every breath, especially when somebody levels an accusation. Because I feel guilty for all the things I've done wrong without being caught. My chimp is screaming at me to drop-out and hide in P until all this goes away. I've been doing OK, staying offline, avoiding trigger locations, activities and TV programmes... living mellow, other than for the odd bit of fantasy that creeps in from time to time. I'd hoped to journal today about the good stuff I'd listened to and thought about on Porn-Free Radio. Instead I'm here feeling angry, powerless and humiliated. Serenity prayer; what can I control? My response to the company (I've written that. Complete) and my response to these deeply troubling emotions (in part why I'm writing here). What can't I control; their actions. I just need to focus on taking the trouble out of the emotion.... or the emotion out of the trouble. It is only 1 week's salary. I have used that week very positively to do all sorts of house fixes that would have cost a lot of money if I hadn't had that unexpected free time. My ex employer has paid me 3 weeks' salary to do 4 weeks of DIY, training, learning, time with my wife & kids, walks on the beach. I've had worse returns on investment! Of fundamental importance in the current economic climate.... I have a really good job to go to on Monday morning. I am massively grateful for that.

Fifteen minutes ago, I was on the brink of dropping in to a P site and throwing this in "the fuck-it bucket". I'm not going to. Intercepting myself and coming here to work through my thoughts and feelings has not only prevented a slip (and perhaps a relapse), but it has made me feel much less anxious, upset and emotionally stressed. I sometimes question the value of journalling here, but instances like this one confirm the importance. My chimp brain still wants very much for me to numb-out with P, but i'm not going to. Heading to the home gym to train, with another recovery podcast on my audio. Hopefully panic over. Dealing with being triggered and in a heightened emotional state is so tiring! I need fresh air.

I appreciate you all on this forum. Those who journal and teach me something every time they write. Those who comment, advise or support on my own story. Those who stay in the background, but share similar stresses and pressures, managing them in whatever way works for them. Maybe sounds pompous, but I really am grateful to you all for your fellowship. I wish you so much strength for your own recovery. Take care. 

 

[J01]

The actions of your former employer constitute an item of unimpeachable evidence confirming the wisdom of your job switch!  The gardening respite you had doesn't come along often in this life-seems to me the whole thing was a providential blessing!  Stay clean and have a good start to the new employ.

 

[workinprogressUK]

New job started and feet haven't touched the ground. I'm clean but I'm troubled. Over the last 7 years trying to drag myself out of the pit, I've rarely found that life without P is happier than life with P. I'm grateful not to have been using recently, because life is more predictable, productive and manageable when I'm clean. But happier? No. Maybe those "security" benefits should be enough. I don't dismiss them, for sure. Maybe I need to focus harder on "living in the moment" and manage my expectation about what happiness is, and how important it is relative to other benefits. Maybe it's just the added stress and insecurity of starting a new job, at the same time as trying to manage the stress caused by my shit-house former employers, within the restrictions of a 4th month of Covid lockdown? I sincerely believe that nothing worthwhile is achieved without sacrifice, though. I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Lots of articles posit that the Dopamine soup I've inflicted on my brain, through years of acting out, will have reduced my sensitivity to other sources of pleasure, in line with standard addiction neuroscience. I kind of hoped that neuro-plasticity would eventually see that hypo-sensitivity rebalance over time. Maybe I'm too impatient or maybe I'm back to the underlying issues in my existence that pushed me towards the P opportunity in the first place? "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing". Maybe I read too much or maybe I haven't yet read enough. Either way, my commitment to maintaining a healthy lifestyle is weaker this last two weeks than it was before. Relapse will make things worse. I can't be arsed with that guilt and fear. I need to control what is controllable. Accept the things I can't change. Maybe it's as simple as a workout, some good music and a glass of wine with dinner? Small pleasures releasing manageable amounts of "happy chemicals". I'm glad I came here to get these thoughts and feelings organised. I feel better for it. 

 

[TheNorman]

I don't think there's some super noticeable line from before P to after where happiness is suddenly so much more intense. It's death by 1000 cuts. It's small poisonous mouthfuls of shame and regret. Life doesn't necessarily get better in every way. It gets better in THAT way, that you're not living with that one thing that keeps you down. You're in a tough spot with your fuckhead former employer and with another lockdown. Don't let the present struggles discount the positive things you've done for yourself and others (especially myself). We're here for you, even if just to listen.

 

[workinprogressUK]

It's small poisonous mouthfuls of shame and regret.

That was a really nice post, my friend. Thanks for the support. You've set me off on a train of thought, now
Shame & regret in lots of small portions... you're right about that. Lots of items stored away on that database for immediate retrieval. Not using P means I'm not adding to it as readily. On the other hand... using P often numbs-out the shame and regret I feel about other facets. It's a regular topic on here that many of us can remember in Technicolor the painful or shameful events in our lives, but struggle to recall the positives. But you are absolutely correct; it's really na?ve of me to think that not acting out with P or S will fix other broken components in my life. That's like doing bicep curls and complaining that my French isn't getting better . My P behaviours are only a small part of the entire me, so fixing my P behaviours is only directly going to fix that one, small, part of me. It has indirect influence on a lot of the other stuff, but you're right. I need to stop seeing P recovery as a general tonic for a happy life.

Sooooo?. wasn't planning to think about any of the above when I logged on. What was I planning to say? Realised at the weekend, that I'm falling back to setting expectations too high. Sense of entitlement, leading to everything needing to be "special" or fun. Inability to just get shit done, unless it makes me feel happy and buzzing. I don't have any right to think that every moment is going to be champagne and fireworks. I got pretty good through the summer at living in the moment and seeing the "amazing" in small things. That's going to be my focus this week.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Over the last 7 years trying to drag myself out of the pit, I've rarely found that life without P is happier than life with P. I'm grateful not to have been using recently, because life is more predictable, productive and manageable when I'm clean. But happier? No. Maybe those "security" benefits should be enough. I don't dismiss them, for sure. Maybe I need to focus harder on "living in the moment" and manage my expectation about what happiness is, and how important it is relative to other benefits. Maybe it's just the added stress and insecurity of starting a new job, at the same time as trying to manage the stress caused by my shit-house former employers, within the restrictions of a 4th month of Covid lockdown? I sincerely believe that nothing worthwhile is achieved without sacrifice, though. I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi WIP - I wanted to comment on this post when you made it a few days back, but I was kind of dealing with an emotional crisis of my own at that time, so I held off. First, I wanted to say that I appreciate how honest and wise this is. It stands in stark contrast to many of the posts I've read over the years in the "Success Stories" section where people have attributed superhuman strengths to their reboot from P. Their confidence has been restored, they have better posture, they exude raw animal magnetism, their mood is soaring, etc. I can't help but wonder if what those people are really feeling is the high from finally having had some success at rebooting. Because I have to admit, it did feel so damn good when that fog lifted for me for the very first time. But then those feelings faded and I was back to feeling like me but without the P.

I'm not sure what the answer is to finding lasting happiness, if it can even be found. (I'm speaking purely from a secular point of view here, by the way.) But I do believe you're more likely to find it if you stick to the path you're on. Aside from that, I totally agree with Norm: Don't let what you're going through in the present moment overshadow all the good you've done for yourself and others. Everyone here knows what you're going through and can fully appreciate what you're feeling. Hang in there, friend.

 

[workinprogressUK]

I can't help but wonder if what those people are really feeling is the high from finally having had some success at rebooting. Because I have to admit, it did feel so damn good when that fog lifted for me for the very first time. But then those feelings faded and I was back to feeling like me but without the P.

Could be, LIGA. I do remember a kind of "man reborn" euphoria in the earliest days. Maybe you felt similar?
And please don't get me wrong.... life has been significantly more productive, prosperous, stable and manageable since I hit my rock bottom and tried to get straight. Life is much better. But the "happy" vibe eludes me. Most likely because of unresolved issues that I've still not fixed. Potentially because of all the sensitisation / desentisation of addict living, and the way that supposedly weakens the bits of my brain that associate pleasure. On the other hand, do I only let these negative thoughts become important mood drivers by focusing on them so much? Just need to stop being a mood-hoover?

Really appreciate you sharing your thoughts, when I know you have a lot on your mind this week. That gives me strength. Sincere thanks.

 

[TheNorman]

Entitlement creates disappointment in things that should be greeted with gratitude. We all struggle to varying degrees. Everyone gets into a funk from time to time too. Hopefully you can find some positives and really soak them up. Here's to a great week!

 

[workinprogressUK]

Hopefully you can find some positives and really soak them up. Here's to a great week!

Thanks TN. Lots of positives. Less entitlement to a "treat" of whatever sort. Feeling less anxiety now that I'm into week-2 of new job. No longer feeling bruised by being treated like a crook by my old employer. Negative emotions fading. Smashed an important PB in the gym yesterday. My "every day" is stimulating enough for me not to feel so entitled to, or driven towards, "artificial" excitement. No excuses for slipping.

 

[workinprogressUK]

"No excuses for slipping" but heavy cravings persist. Soooooo agitated! Possibly work-related. Job doesn't lend itself to a predictable rhythm, even when I'm established in a company. Being the new meat has me hopping around like a cat on a hot tin roof. OK. I'm aware of this anxiety and ready to address it. Mindful breathing. Quieten the mind. Write my plan for the next 20 minutes of focus. Execute on that. Then review. I'll be OK. 

 

[TheNorman]

Even the most chaotic job will settle into somewhat of a recognizable pattern over a long enough timeline. Hopefully as time goes you will settle in more. As far as the PB goes...let's get some details! If you can't brag on here then where can you!?

 

[workinprogressUK]

As far as the PB goes...let's get some details! If you can't brag on here then where can you!?

LOL. Deadlift pulled 350 lbs x 5, then 365 x 5, then 385 x 3. Never been to 385 before. Maybe sets me up for reps at 400 by end of year. Not "Big Boy" numbers, but I only weigh 172.

 

[TheNorman]

I tried to calculate the amount of plates that are required to get to 385 and just doing the math gave me a hernia...so needless to say, those are more than big boy numbers to me! I even have a few pounds on you and I can't imagine pulling that kind of weight. Thanks for sharing your accomplishments and keep us all posted! I'm going to go do some pushups or something now (Hurray for positive peer pressure!)

 

[workinprogressUK]

I tried to calculate the amount of plates that are required to get to 385 and just doing the math gave me a hernia...so needless to say, those are more than big boy numbers to me! I even have a few pounds on you and I can't imagine pulling that kind of weight. Thanks for sharing your accomplishments and keep us all posted! I'm going to go do some pushups or something now (Hurray for positive peer pressure!)

One of the few times when I'm grateful for my stubby, little, legs

Positive day. New job is really engaging me and I didn't have any P cravings today, for the first time in ages. Feeling enough excitement about my "real" life not to want to slump back into my P life. Wife gave me the emotional cold shoulder today, as I'm judged not to have been supportive enough of her position in her daily battle with our daughter. That will either blow over or it won't. I'm not allowing myself to be burdened by her passive aggression. I have enough of my own difficulties to continue feeling guilty about hers. Hoping to feel similarly energised and positive after the weekend. Wishing you all strength, guys.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Feeling enough excitement about my "real" life not to want to slump back into my P life.

Really glad to hear that, WIP. Enjoy the weekend!