Supposed to be last day of gardening leave today. Found out this morning that my "employer" actually terminated me last week, without notice, consultation or notification, and stopped paying me last Friday. I'm shocked to the point of shaking like a leaf. They've decided that I did something that breached my contract and summarily stopped my salary, without process or notice. Despite knowing that they are absolutely in the wrong, I feel guilty and ashamed. That's what a lifetime of lying and living in the shadows has done to me. Even when I'm in the right, I feel guilty with every breath, especially when somebody levels an accusation. Because I feel guilty for all the things I've done wrong without being caught. My chimp is screaming at me to drop-out and hide in P until all this goes away. I've been doing OK, staying offline, avoiding trigger locations, activities and TV programmes... living mellow, other than for the odd bit of fantasy that creeps in from time to time. I'd hoped to journal today about the good stuff I'd listened to and thought about on Porn-Free Radio. Instead I'm here feeling angry, powerless and humiliated. Serenity prayer; what can I control? My response to the company (I've written that. Complete) and my response to these deeply troubling emotions (in part why I'm writing here). What can't I control; their actions. I just need to focus on taking the trouble out of the emotion.... or the emotion out of the trouble. It is only 1 week's salary. I have used that week very positively to do all sorts of house fixes that would have cost a lot of money if I hadn't had that unexpected free time. My ex employer has paid me 3 weeks' salary to do 4 weeks of DIY, training, learning, time with my wife & kids, walks on the beach. I've had worse returns on investment! Of fundamental importance in the current economic climate.... I have a really good job to go to on Monday morning. I am massively grateful for that.
Fifteen minutes ago, I was on the brink of dropping in to a P site and throwing this in "the fuck-it bucket". I'm not going to. Intercepting myself and coming here to work through my thoughts and feelings has not only prevented a slip (and perhaps a relapse), but it has made me feel much less anxious, upset and emotionally stressed. I sometimes question the value of journalling here, but instances like this one confirm the importance. My chimp brain still wants very much for me to numb-out with P, but i'm not going to. Heading to the home gym to train, with another recovery podcast on my audio. Hopefully panic over. Dealing with being triggered and in a heightened emotional state is so tiring! I need fresh air.
I appreciate you all on this forum. Those who journal and teach me something every time they write. Those who comment, advise or support on my own story. Those who stay in the background, but share similar stresses and pressures, managing them in whatever way works for them. Maybe sounds pompous, but I really am grateful to you all for your fellowship. I wish you so much strength for your own recovery. Take care.