See them grow up

[workinprogressUK]

So WIP, I'm sorry for not taking your advice about wounds, I've had both good and bad reactions from applying my fingers to such matters, from typing to playing the piano and back, though I am currently lacking access to a musical keyboard of any sorts. Ho hum, so they say, the question is why isn't this site helping now that I have moved into the tier four bracket (40 and up), I've managed just under two hours and ten minutes now, which is good as I will definitely be going to bed very soon, however I still find myself curious about your advice, what does it say about you?

Hi Georgos. Please don't consider that post to have been advice to anybody, other than myself. What does it say about me? It says that at a time when I don't feel cravings, triggers and urges for P, obsessive thinking about my P recovery, and bringing the opportunity front of my mind, creates self-inflicted pressure. Kind of a "second arrow" source of pain, if that makes sense? Absence of a keyboard must be challenging, if you're a musician. I personally smash, ham-fistedly, at a drum battery. Very cathartic. Hope you get your music back soon.

Today's entry; Ironically I'm more "cravey" today. Maybe because a shoulder muscle that felt strained has finally pinged this morning. Painful and puts my training and sport plans in jeopardy for the holiday break, which has made me anxious. Ho hum? as Georgos says. I can plan for less energetic exercise. It's no big deal. In good news, my new boss told me to shut my computer down and take some time off, which reduces my "opportunity risk" over the next few days. Swings and roundabouts. So I'll read a couple of other journal entries and then "do one". I'm OK. 

 

[workinprogressUK]

Back from a successful and very sociable Christmas break. Cravings and chimp-chatter distracting me at my desk. Maybe just "opportunity", as I've had zero online time since last journal. Lots of activity in the great outdoors. Some success, without totally cracking the "stay in the here & now" mindfulness I'm working on. No flare-ups at home. No sex either. Can't remember the last time that happened! Friends over last night; they (unhelpfully) mentioned a social event that happened 5 years back, at which I got into a fight and disgraced myself. Wife threw me out of the family home for a week after that. I thought I was over it. I thought she was over it too. Clear that we're both still harbouring resentment over it, which is niggling me this morning, and might be one reason for the P cravings. Maybe I'm over-thinking, and it's just a combination of pent-up desire and opportunity.

Looking forward to a quiet end to the year. Focus is on trying to improve emotional connection with my wife. That's the underlying issue that causes me the biggest pain and risk of relapse.

 

[Phineas 808]

Good going, dismissing the chimp-chatter, WIP!

I would agree with your assessment about the cravings being related to your friends and wife bringing up what has been obviously for you- a less than shining moment... the possibility that she hadn't gotten over it, or still resented, was a cue toward former behavioral patterns.

I find that whenever I fight with my wife, that I almost have a 'fuck-it' moment where I almost naturally gravitate toward p-subs, and the whole thing.... it's almost like I pull out all stops. But being aware of this response in myself helps me to be mindful, and navigate when things are more contentious between us.

Wishing you success and strength to end the year quietly, as you said, and to start the new year with hope and expectations of good things. 

 

[workinprogressUK]

I find that whenever I fight with my wife, that I almost have a 'fuck-it' moment where I almost naturally gravitate toward p-subs, and the whole thing.... it's almost like I pull out all stops. But being aware of this response in myself helps me to be mindful, and navigate when things are more contentious between us.

Similar here, Phin. Whether it's a Coolidge Effect thing, or me being an arrogant bastard, or I'm forgetting how much my past behaviour hurt her, or whether there is justification for it.... after conflict, I'm prone to thoughts like "I've worked soooo hard, for so long, to try to fix myself.... and you give me Nothing". Those feeling of justification and self-righteousness aren't ones I'm proud of but I have to acknowledge them. Like you say, being aware that this resentment is a pattern, and that these are just some thoughts, that I don't need to dwell on, or consider "facts" is helping me apply the brakes.

So it's another challenging day. I'm feeling better for having written today, though. And by way of refocusing my internal narrative, I'm happy to be 130 days "clean" today and not ready to throw that away.

 

[Phineas 808]

Congratulations on 130 days, WIP!

Thank you for that term, the Coolidge effect. I found where the origin of this originated from, where President Coolidge was touring an experimental farm with his wife, and they encountered a rooster having sex mutliple times a day:

... an old joke about Calvin Coolidge when he was President ... The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around an experimental government farm. When [Mrs. Coolidge] came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day." Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by." Upon being told, the President asked, "Same hen every time?" The reply was, "Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time." President: "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."

- Aggression in Man and Animals, by Roger N. Johnson, p. 94

It makes a lot of sense...

The resentment factor certainly adds a strong emotional component, which can definitely reinforce unwanted neural pathways, when responded to. That's something for me to explore more...

 

[workinprogressUK]

Grateful to feel more grounded today. Left work early yesterday and got myself to the gym. Haven't been able to train much recently, due to some niggly injuries, so that will have helped. Also had a lot of family engagement, which stopped me feeling the P cravings. No cravings today, either. Hopefully that little storm has passed by.

Week-1 is a high risk time of year for me, so I'm proactively planning the long weekend, rather than being passive and then feeling "victim" resentment next week. Will make myself "designated driver" tonight, to avoid social awkwardness in relation to not drinking alcohol until later. No heavy session, or late night, either. Not going to risk a hangover, which would create risk. No online time over the weekend. Big pile of logs that needs sawing, splitting and stacking. Might sound lame, but I LOVE processing a big pile of logs  ;D. Bonfire on the beach planned for tomorrow. Not going to be any room for P in my thoughts or schedule.

Thanks to anybody who has read or contributed to my journal. Wishing you all serenity, strength and wisdom for 2021.

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you for your thoughtful comments on my journal, WIP!

Your week-1 will be as your other weeks, where you successfully dismiss urges.

Have a happy New Year.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Thank you for your thoughtful comments on my journal, WIP!

Your week-1 will be as your other weeks, where you successfully dismiss urges.

Have a happy New Year.

Thanks Phin. Happy New Year to you, too! Appreciate your support, as always.
So far, so good. No P stress over the long weekend. Nothing to add now.

 

[workinprogressUK]

All calm at the moment. Looking forward, I can see a potential challenge created by the UK going into a 3rd national lockdown today. I train at the gym 4-6 days every week. That discipline and consistency around training is part of the new me that doesn't use P. The sacrifice and pain help me accept difficulties. The endorphins from training send me home positive, regardless of what's going on outside. I'm very grateful for what the gym gives me. My gym's now closed for the next 6-8 weeks. I need to re-constitute that "happy place" in my garage, garden and out on the roads and footpaths. I'll create a programme / plan for myself tonight. Nice challenge to engage in for January.

 

[Phineas 808]

In a very real way, these lockdowns are real-life sacrifice and pain you?re training for.

These times are what helped me fall back into self-soothing habits. In my case, I?m using these times to do the same as you are, showing myself that no matter what?s going on ?out there?, I can maintain control ?in here?, and not react in any unhealthy ways.

Good mindset, thinking on your feet. Just as in warfare, when conditions on the ground change, we change our strategy with it.

 

[Joel]

All calm at the moment. Looking forward, I can see a potential challenge created by the UK going into a 3rd national lockdown today. I train at the gym 4-6 days every week. That discipline and consistency around training is part of the new me that doesn't use P. The sacrifice and pain help me accept difficulties. The endorphins from training send me home positive, regardless of what's going on outside. I'm very grateful for what the gym gives me. My gym's now closed for the next 6-8 weeks. I need to re-constitute that "happy place" in my garage, garden and out on the roads and footpaths. I'll create a programme / plan for myself tonight. Nice challenge to engage in for January.

Yep, I'm right there with you, WIP. It's a tricky time, not to mention going for a walk is painfully cold. Let's clock up those days, spring and the end of all this is coming.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Yep, I'm right there with you, WIP. It's a tricky time, not to mention going for a walk is painfully cold. Let's clock up those days, spring and the end of all this is coming.

You're absolutely right, Joel. Thanks for that positive energy. Half way through January, with short February to come before spring.... and every day is going to see a little bit more light than the one before  .

I'm OK today. Solved my exercise issue and found an extra benefit in the solution. Signed-up with my wife to a 6-week, bodyweight training "blast". "Those who train together, remain together" is a quote I buy. We used to train together all the time and it created a great bond. Since wife's knee reconstruction last winter, we've not done that very much, which contributed to us drifting. I'm enjoying the novelty value of a new training mode, but the real joy is the shared experience of training hard together. Concern that our relationship is on a one-way journey in the wrong direction is the biggest trigger to relapse in my recent past, so I'm really as relieved as I am happy.

 

[workinprogressUK]

144 days no P or M. Other than a 1-day slip-up, back in August, I'm 245 days on the wagon. Taking nothing for granted, but I don't feel like I'm prisoner to an addiction at the moment. I still get triggered and there are times when I still want somewhere to hide from rejection, anxiety, insecurity, feelings of inadequacy or plain boredom. But the impulses and cravings are much weaker now. I'm better at managing my chimp emotions. When my hot system flares-up, I can buy myself time for the rational brain to catch up. I have better alternatives to use instead of P. That August slip-up I can put down to allowing myself to be consumed by resentment at something I couldn't control... and not acting on the things that I could control at the same time. A clear case of "drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick".

Risk Scenarios to plan for; wife's birthday and valentine's day next month. Always a lot of negative emotions. Plenty of time to get myself prepared for those.

 

[marco_60]

144 days no P or M. ...

Congratulatios WIP! Just one question: what about flatline? Have you experienced it? If yes, have you recovered by now? I am in day 62 an I think I am still inside the flatline.

 

[TheNorman]

Glad to hear you're doing well and keeping an eye out for future issues!

 

[Phineas 808]

Congrats, WIP on the 144 days, and for the 245 besides!

It's unfortunate, isn't it? That for some of us that holidays, especially regarding our significant other, can be 'high risk scenarios'. This is true for myself also.

Learning to separate former habits from reoccurring emotional landmines with the wife is important. To identify if the urges are simply knee-jerk lower brain reactions to cues and stimuli, or perhaps stronger urges driven by deeper emotions, is something we each should know and identify. As the maxim goes, Know thyself.

Be well.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Congratulatios WIP! Just one question: what about flatline? Have you experienced it? If yes, have you recovered by now? I am in day 62 an I think I am still inside the flatline.

Thanks for your kind words, Marco. On flatline... have I experienced it? Absolutely. My personal P addiction allowed me to spend most hours of most days viewing P for many years, and in periods like now, when I'm in recovery, I feel emotionally flat, unable to feel pleasure and lacking in libido.
Am I recovered? I function. My functioning has improved. But I'm not fully recovered. Do you know, Marco, I wouldn't worry about comparisons, because it's a very complex issue and I think it's difficult to compare individuals. If you just keep doing the right things that work for you, and assume that your flatline will pass in time, you'll do OK!

 

[workinprogressUK]

Wednesday afternoon. All OK. Life is fairly full and I feel engaged in lots of things, which means that I'm not really having to fight urges and cravings for P, because I'm not leaving headspace for those little bastards to crawl into. It's kind of like if I let a rugby ball or a football get soft and under-inflated, without enough inside, it creates a void for the water to seep in. Then it starts rotting from the inside. If I keep the inner fully pumped, there's no room for the water to get in to. So at the moment, my personal "inner" is fully pumped. It's occupying all the available headspace with stuff far removed from P, and leaving no space for cravings to sit on my synapses and rot them. Hopefully things can stay this way. New job has helped. I'm out of my comfort zone and feel that performance matters again. Covid lockdown helps in a perverse way, even if this time around it's especially grim, as I'm having to lead my little family unit, rather than just be a passenger. I think there's a chicken & egg thing going on  here, though. Maybe if I hadn't put a bit of distance between me and my P habit, I wouldn't be capable of leading and engaging. That's something for me to ponder. If you're read this far... thanks for checking-in on me. Wishing you every strength and success.

 

[TheNorman]

That's a great analogy WIP! It's so true that as long as we keep that centre full of worthwhile things it just doesn't leave room for the garbage. Covid, as stressful as it is, can also allow us the space to focus more on filling that centre.
Cheers!

 

[Phineas 808]

Maybe if I hadn't put a bit of distance between me and my P habit, I wouldn't be capable of leading and engaging.

I think this is accurate. In the years when I didn't seriously engage my bad habits or addictions, I simply checked out from life. I could function on the surface, I could lead that double-life, but if I had to engage or lead, I would have been seriously compromised and at a loss.

These times make escapism all the more appealing, but at the same time demand that we step up and engage the real world, and make that difference.

Good thoughts, and wishing you well.