workinprogressUK
Well-Known Member
When I was first in serious recovery, about 8 years back, people I respected said "it's absolutely normal for people to slip-up, so be prepared for that, and just make sure you bounce as quick as possible if and when you do". I'm an arrogant bastard. Maybe I was more arrogant back then than I am now, humbled by my failures. But I didn't like that narrative. And besides, I'd promised my wife "never again" and I just couldn't face the thought of being "a failure". I did a good job; neck-end of three years' before I came off the rails, but when I did, I couldn't cope with the self-attributed failure, so I dropped out of here and deleted my account, didn't tell my wife or anybody else, and disappeared into a life of lies and deviancy for 12 months. That happened a couple more times and I hated myself for it. I'm in a really good place currently and I don't feel at all pulled towards P. And looking back, I can see that those wise people were right, back in the day. It was ABSOLUTELY normal for me to slip-up, having spent so many years totally absorbed in my habit. I'd burned my career, no longer had any close friends in my life, and didn't give a shit about anything else. My P habit was a MASSIVE, BIG, iceberg, and I was na?ve to think something that big and nasty would just disappear if I stopped paying attention to it. So the way I see it now, each time I tried to recover, I chipped something off that iceberg... sometimes great big chunks and other times just little bits off the edge... but each time I've tried has had an impact, so now, 8 years later, the iceberg is so much smaller and I have a much better technique for breaking the ice. I'm nowhere near finished with this yet. I'm still a struggling, recovering, addict. But I've read a lot of early-stage journals recently, with guys really struggling with their big fucking icebergs. And I just wanted to try to express that every moment you stay on the rails will make a positive impact in the long term. So hang tough, please. We can all get there.