My brain is about to EXPLODE!

[I@andothis]

I am on day 49 of a reboot and my brain is about to explode.  Yes, my brain and nothing else.  I am in my early 50's and have struggled with p and m since jr high.  I finally found this website and realize the need for help.  For the past week or so, my brain (headaches, brain fog and anxiety) have ruled my day.  I am not going to give in but there are days all I want to do is stay in bed.  Looking for an accountability partner that truly understands where I'm at and can offer real support.  Thanks in advance - Icandothis

 

[survivor]

Hey Icandothis:

Yes, you most certainly can do this! You already are.

I've lived your struggle my friend. I'm 62 years of age and have been looking at porn since about the age of ten. Eventually I also drifted into prostitution, which became a really big issue in my first marriage. However, about a year after my marriage ended certain events caused me to acknowledge that "I" was the problem and if I did not get help prostitution would ruin my life.

As a result I joined a 12 step program and eventually disconnected from prostitution, and have been clean for 18 years. However, I never totally let go of porn. In 2002 I married a wonderful woman, a member of NarAnon at the time, who understood the dynamics of addiction and has stood by me throughout my struggles. However, two weeks ago, after my promising a year ago that I would give up porn, she found some in the trash. Funny how that works. Here I thought myself so smart by always covering my tracks and "BANG" I get hit by my own carelessness. Maybe a subconscious cry for help.l Anyway, t hurt her because, more than anything I had been lying to her. I don't want to do that anymore because I have a great life with her and she loves very much and respects me simply for who I am. So, even though I have not been part of a program since 2009 as a result of a move from the city to the country, I realized that I am currently unable to deal with this thing on my own. As a result I hooked up with ReBoot Nation.

The results have been 100% positive so far. It's only been 14 days but I have not gone back. For me it's about some form of accountability to others along with the ability to express on paper, or in digital form, the crazy things that are going on in my head. In my old program we used to refer to addiction as a brain disease. Our brains become programmed to certain behaviors over a long period of time. As a result these behaviors become automatic coping mechanisms. So... we have to deprogram and then reprogram. But the deprogramming takes a while. I equate it to an ocean liner at sea. If the ocean liner hits "Stop all engines immediately!" it will not come to a dead stop for another two or three miles. Well, you've hit "Stop all engines" but your brain is still moving at full speed.

The good news is that your brain will slow down. Additionally, the physical withdrawal symptoms you are currently experiencing, which is due to your body craving another endorphine, dopamine hit, (yes. a non-chemical addiction does lead to withdrawal symptoms just like a chemical dependency) will eventually subside also. It's just that your body has to return to normal levels regarding those substances as opposed to getting an intense hit of same whenever you satiated the need. It's those substances that give us the true high we experience as a result of acting out. But as I said, this too shall pass. The urges will gradually come less frequently, and when they do they will be less intense. I went through this stuff when I stopped going to prostitutes. Additionally, I have experienced a little bit of it regarding giving up porn, but not to the intensity I experienced with hookers, maybe because that was my ultimate. For me porn is a poor replacement for prostitution. I always wanted the real thing. Maybe it's like someone that normally consumes a bottle of Jack Daniels a day switching to beer.

But as I said, it does get better. Hang in there and battle through this because if you have a slip you only have to start from square one and go through it all over again.


I'm on your side totally buddy,

Survivor   

 

[PMOVictory]

Hi Icandorhis

Great to have you here!!!

This is the place to be if you really want to quit PMO!
Like Survivor said in his analogy of the ocean liner it will take time. Remember there is no real switch to flip and a habit, in my case of 40 years, is wiped out and forgotten.
There are a lot of triggers that caused me to use P and then M & O. They are different for each of us. It is important to identify what triggers you. Be attentive and you will be amazed to learn from yourself. In a big way it became a crutch for me to deal with stress, rejection, disappointment, etc. the list goes on and on. Sitting back and reflect on it, now that I'm almost 90 days clean, I realise how silly it actually were.
Even just yesterday my wife and I had a misunderstanding and, BAMMM, there the trigger were activated. Instantly I wanted to comfort and in a sense also rebel against it. But knowing better now I could brush it off as nothing, where 60 days back I really had to fight against the urge.
It does become easier, no doubts! It does not mean that I can get so relaxed, and comfortable about it that I can now just say It will not happen again. However I have made the decision up front, and this is where it helps to know the triggers, that when temptation hits. I know what I'm going to do. And not depend on me, making a decision in the heat of the moment. Should I leave the decision making for when the road is rough I most certainly will make the wrong choice and then have to live with all the disappointment. This will be devastating for me.

Getting it all out and journalling also helps a lot to lift the fog from your mind. There is something magical when a person start to write down his thoughts. It helps you to compartmentalise it and make sense out of all of this. And guess what, it is cheaper than going to a shrink.

Soooo again, glad to have you on board the "ocean liner" and most importantly you have already slammed the breaks!

Stay strong and be blessed!!!

 

[survivor]

Survivor here again.

What you had to say is so bang on PMOVictory. We get so used to using this behavior as a means of escape that after a while we don't even consciously connect the discomfort and the acting out together.

I remember an incident quite vividly when I was in my second year of recovery. I used to run my own business. One evening while driving home I was reflecting on a situation that had occurred with an employee earlier that day. I was feeling very angry and verbalizing my frustration while driving. Suddenly, in midstream of my venting this thought came into my mind that I should pick up a hooker. The amazing thing about the situation was that I had this conscious awareness of my thoughts deflecting from what was upsetting me to what seemed pleasurable. It was one of those 'AHA' moments. Not only did I not pick up a hooker but I gained a tremendous insight into how my brain did, and continues to operate.

And like yourself I find journalling, in one form or another, to be a very powerful tool. I am able to see clarity through the fog of confusion.

Great to hear your thoughts on this subject.

 

[I@andothis]

Thanks all for the encouraging words.  I just got home from a really long day at work and rushed in to see if anyone replied to my original post.  I know I'm not the only one going through this but my brain really thinks it is.  I like the analogy about the ship putting on the brakes.  Once done, it will still drift miles ahead because of the momentum.  I am believing there are only better days ahead of me. 

Question for the day.  What's the importance of stopping with the masturbation as well as the porn?  I get the whole concept of stopping the porn but what's the connection of stopping the masturbation?  Does that slow the reboot / repair down? 

 

[survivor]

Survivor here.

That is a very valid question. I think the answer would vary from person to person.

I can only relate my experience and my take. I have found that when I stay away from porn the imagery in my head gradually dissipates. However, the learned experience of using masturbation to feel good, especially when I am now feeling somewhat shittier as a result of porn withdrawal, causes the craving to masturbate to become quite intense. However, again speaking for myself, I am unable to climax because I don't have any clear images in my brain to trigger the climax. This can be very frustrating. I think it can also be quite dangerous because it affects my resolve to stay clean. The frustration makes me want it even more. That being said, as I have let go of the images sex with my wife has become more pleasurable. I have been clean for two weeks now and, except for a bout of frustrating ANTI-CLIMACTIC attempts about a week into my sobriety I have not had much desire to masturbate.

But, in answer to your question, I don't see masturbation in and of itself as the real problem. For me the real issue stems around the reason I choose to masturbate. Might not hurt to set a goal of one week without masturbation. Then see where you are and how you feel about the situation at the end of that week. Once again, I don't believe we are meant to not masturbate. The goal is for it not to control one's life.

I hope this helps somewhat.

 

[I@andothis]

Can any one address what type of side effects might happen when the porn is stopped but I continue with the masturbation?  I find myself giving in about every week and a half even though I have been porn free for about 50 days.  Thanks.

 

[PMOVictory]

Go to YBOP and look at the video, there is also some reading on it.
It is all part of the rewiring.

Stay strong and be Blessed!

 

[I@andothis]

My wife and kids are out of town for the weekend so I have been soaking up all the info I can on rebooting.  I'm checking out additional websites of the same nature and learning a lot.  I'm at a cautious point in the road right now in my journey.  I have been without porn for 51 days.  I am reading on all of these self help web sites that a large number of men crash ad re-start their reboot.  In the back of my mind, I'm beginning to feel that since other men have crashed and started over that I can give in and just start over again.  And since my family is out of town until tomorrow evening, it seems everything is set up perfectly to just "give in".

This past week has been really tough, especially while at work.  As the title of this journal says, My Brain Is About to EXPLODE!.  However, for both Friday and today (Saturday), the pressure seems to be lessening (headaches, brain fog and anxiety).  Thank the Lord for that. 

Last night I purposefully left the laptop at home and went to see a movie then came home and went right to bed.  This morning, researched more information on rebooting and now I get to do all the chores around the house.  that's beyond any amount of PMO'ing can bring.  (lol)  I will purpose to do other things in my life than PMO today.  I will also cling to the fact that I am on a journey to change my life and way of thinking for the better.

 

[Married with children]

I know how you feel. My family was gone for a week, then another week 14 days later. Usually PMO marathons.... but not this time. She came back just starting her period.., so no release.

Then again it's like running in horrible weather, if you can do it know, you certainly can do it on a sunny day!

Good luck, do not break!

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Hang in there, Icandothis, you are totally on the right track!

Yes, lay off both the MO and the P.   First, doing one will almost certainly cause you to relapse on the other.  But the most important reason is not to drain your psychic energy.  If you PMO when your wife is gone, when she comes back you'll be like, "Damn, party's over."  You think you can hide it, but she knows.  Especially since without PMO when she comes back its, "Yay!! It's party time!"  She can feel the difference and so will you.

Peace and Be Strong!

 

[I@andothis]

IT'S CELEBRATION TIME!!!

My wife and kids were out of town for a full 4 days, returning late this afternoon.  Usually, on a long weekend like this I would find myself engaging in a major fap session lasting hours long and every single day.  I made it through without any PMO'ing of any kind.  It was hard at times to focus on other more "productive" things to do, but none the less, I MADE IT THROUGH! 

I might also mentioned that I had to deal with a major stress issue this morning.  This type of stress issue would have normally sent me tail-spinning out of control into a major PMO session.  Again, I MADE IT THROUGH!

I am looking to start a new gym membership this week to start working off some of the pent up stress.  Looking forward to this part of this next week.

To all the guys out there workin' the program.....  if I can do this after more than 35 years addicted to porn, so can you.  Hang in there.

 

[I@andothis]

I was really disappointed since my last post and here's why.

Over this past weekend, my wife and sons were out of town for a short family vacation.  I was not able to go because of lack of PTO from work.  As mentioned in my last post, in the past when the family was away, I would usually spent numerous hours each day in front of my laptop engaging in PMO.  This past weekend was a huge celebration for me since I was able to divert my attention away from any activity of PMO'ing.  It was hard but I made it through.  I posted this "celebration" hoping for some type of encouragement from my fellow brothers who are gaining freedom in this area.  No one responded to my post with a simple "congratulation" or "good job", etc.  This was a downer for me.

However, the more I thought about the lack of positive reinforcement from people I don't even know (Reboot Nation), I thought about in the past how a "non-positive" look or statement from my wife would immediately send me thinking about the false attention I would get from porn.  If my wife makes a certain statement about me or looks at me indifferently, then there must be something wrong with me.  Therefore, I will build my self esteem/self worth back up by spending hours on end in a PMO session.  Hopefully that makes sense.

So, my family returns home from the trip and she is exhausted.  Barely even got a kiss on the lips or a hug.  Posted a really good victory post on Reboot Nation.  In both cases, NOTHING! 

I should have been absolutely miserable.  Instead, I began to realize my self worth, or my achievements, are not based upon what other people think or say about me.  I am much more than that.  Regardless of what my banner/counter displays for "victory" days, I am even more than that.  I am learning my self worth is much more than a chemical release in my brain that gets me an erection.

It is my goal to delve deeper into who I am as a man, husband and father and not a slave to porn.

Hoping the best for all.

 

[PMOVictory]

Icandothis

I am so happy for you!!!

You are doing great! Do you really know the significance of what you said in your last post! Without knowing is all of us that did not reply to the post of the 27th dit you a favour if you think of it. Yes the disappointment of no one replying and no WOW statements, etc. were the last thing you hoped for. Not even to mention your wife barely giving you a kiss and hug exhausted after getting back home. All this can be devastating, I know...
But you would not have learned what you have if things did not happen the way it did for you. The fact that you were strong over the time when you were alone, not giving in on temptations to have your marathon sessions, this all made you stronger.
Then you pulled through the disappointment.
BANG... Victory over VICTORY! We are proud of you!!!
And you can be proud of yourself!!!!

Be strong and be BLESSED!

 

[fugu]

54 days is incredible - keep it going man!

 

[BobbyD]

Icandothis..don't read too much into it my friend ( about the people not jumping up and down and spitting wooden nickels over your success).It pretty much is the constant on this board.Some days you will get people praising your success,and some days you will post multiple accounts of your daily struggles and no one will respond.That's one of the reasons I joined different boards for support from all angles.Look,your not going to have anyone care about your struggles more then yourself and your family.You will get support on here to some extent,but the reality is,is that you have to do this by yourself. Therapists,psychiatrists,sex therapy,group sessions...I've done them all! If  it "aint" your family, no one really truly cares.In a sense,that will make you understand that,that patient dedicated wife of yours and those sons you have are absolutely the most important and meaningful people in your life.Have you talked to your wife about the struggles you are going through?If you haven't,then maybe you should..it might make your marriage better.I don't know your wife,but for me it was a huge weight off when I told mine.She kind of knew,but never said anything.In a sense I felt I owed it to her,because if you really get down to it..she's the only one that really gives a shit.Your gonna get these clicks on these boards,just like the clicks in high school.There are just some guys who like to talk to each other...don't get yourself all broken up about it.You don't know any of these guys and for the most part,you might not like any of them if you met them in person.On the flip side there are some dudes on here who are really supportive and genuinely know the struggles of porn addiction.If you don't get immediate success with responses,go read other stories that are similar to yours,and take the advise and use it to cope. Gabe Deem,who is the moderator and founder of this site,put himself out there with showing his face and talking about his real personal struggles...that should give you the confidence to stay on this site to keep posting and get better.I can hear in your tone your patience is running thin,and your seemingly feeling hopeless because your not getting out of this what you thought. Ok..fair enough,but you have realize some people are going to recover faster and some people are going to recover slower.You just maybe one person who struggles with a longer period to get better.One thing that might help,that I've seen other say works,is don't take it too serious.What I mean is,is if you say things to yourself like "whatever..when it happens it happens,I'm not going to let this ruin my day"..you might feel better and recover faster.I hope all this helps,and keep strong. I'll keep looking for your posts and try to help out as best as I can.Be well my brother,and stay strong for yourself and your family...you'll get through this

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Hey ICanDoThis, I was reading through your posts and got to the first victory post and thought Woo-Hoo this guy needs a shout out!  And then I read the next post.  OK, so maybe I was a bit late.  But don't take it personally   Don't always have to time to read through the threads, so sometimes it takes a few days.

But, GREAT JOB making it through your weekend.  Believe me, we have all been there acting out when the family is away, but to maintain your control and your MANHOOD is an amazing step!

And don't worry too much about your wife's initial reaction.  She probably assumes a lot of things, one of them being that you acted out all weekend.  It will take a long time to get her trust back, but it will be worth it.  Hang tough -- and tender at the same time.  Tough on yourself, but tender on your wife.  You might want to try some non-sexual bonding with her.  Give her a massage, a foot rub, snuggle during a movie, hold hands on a walk.  She is probably dying for your touch.  Give it a try. 

Peace and Stay Strong!

 

[I@andothis]

First things first.....  thank you for the encouragement on the last post for the guys that responded.  Greatly appreciated it. 

Secondly, the main thought I wanted to convey (just in case I might have sent the wrong message by accident) for the last post I entered is this....  there have been times in my life that I heavily relied on what others thought and said about me.  If they said something good about me I would have a good day.  If on the other hand someone ignored me, said something bad about me or even brushed me off, then I could go into an emotional tail spin.  Sounds a little childish does it?  I can remember when I was first married that if my wife did something like that to me, even though it was unintentional, my emotional escape would be PMO.  After quite a successful non PMO marathon this past weekend and my wife being exhausted from driving 8 hours back home.... I didn't do the usual emotional tail spinning out of control.  I had a better realistic understanding of the situation, accepted it and made better decisions.  Boy did that feel good.... making better decisions.

The next item us for discussion is this.....  this morning, my wife and I had a chance to be intimate.  It was an incredible time for the both of us.  Even though I am in my early 50's, it felt as if I were 21 years old again.  My wife even made a few positive remarks as well. 

So, here's the question.... Is it possible to experience brain fog after being intimate with my wife?  After our time of being intimate the day went really well.  I was able to focus on work and get a lot of things accomplished.  Then towards the late afternoon I began to enter the "fog".  I found it was best to take a short nap and now things seem a whole lot better.  So, even though I have not engaged in porn for almost 60 days now, is it possible to still experience brain fog after being intimate with my wife?

Thanks and many blessings to all.

 

[I@andothis]

I'm pretty excited that after years and years of being addicted to porn that I am 2 days away from being PMO free at 6 days.  Years of struggle that torn me down everyday exchanged for 58 days (at this time) of freedom.  No more hiding my laptop from my wife, no more staying up until 12 midnight - 2am every night only to then go to work on 4 hours of sleep.  No more bondage to how intimate my wife and I can be.  No more anger, frustration and guilt.  I say good bye forever to those things and welcome in the following:  clear thinking, peaceful nights rest, more energy through out the day, living a more purposeful life, a stronger intimacy with my wife based on a solid relationship and not sexual fantasy's.  The list can go on and on.  Yep, there are still a few hard days here and there but I refuse to give in and go back.  The 58 days I'm currently on have been more freeing that any type of drug (dopamine) can promise.  Two more days until the big 6-0.  Can't wait to reward myself with something healthy.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Congrats, ICanDoThis, two months is quite the milestone.  I would assume that you are seeing improvements not only in yourself, but in your relationships with your wife and kids.  Things are much better when you have no secrets and all of your energy can be directed at them.  Keep up the good work!