My brain is about to EXPLODE!

[I@andothis]

;D  WOOT HOOT!    Just hit the big 60!  Never thought 60 days would feel so good.

The most interesting part about the last 2-3 weeks is that I have been under a high level amount of stress: dealing with anxiety issues, work, church and a very intense legal situation.  I should be in the funny farm with all the things going on in my life right now.  The exciting part is that in the past, when any level of stress would occur in my life, I would immediately find a way to escape into a PMO induced coma for hours on end.  Not happening this time, nor has it happened!

My reward for hitting the big 60 is a huge chocolate cake on the weekend, (Darn budget)  then I am off to conquer my 90 day goal. 

Many blessings to everyone while on your journey.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Awesome!!  Keep on a going!

 

[Brooklyn Jerry]

ICANDOHIS, when I read about your wife's going away it reminded me about the time my wife went on a weeklong trip. It was the first time she had been away over nite since Internet porn was available. I sure had a porn marathon,right up until the hour before she returned.
  Now I think what a mistake,even if I had masturbated during the week she was gone, I should have abstained  at least a day or two before she returned and had a night of bliss with her, a live women. Instead due to my addiction  I chose to jerk off to the Internet. In essence I was a jerk off.
Damn the interweb.

 

[PMOVictory]

Hi Icandothis

I want to take the time to congratulate you on the achievements in your life. It's been a while since last I had chance to do some reading and posting here on Reboot Nation.
You are doing great and the observations you make on the things that you learn and accomplish during your reboot is very profound. It is interesting to see how a lot of us rebooters are going through the same light bulb moments.

Stay strong and be Blessed!

 

[I@andothis]

So...... I'd like to camp out on a specific thought that I brought up in a post on July 29th.  My wife and kids were out of town and instead of spending time in a porn marathon I found other positive things to occupy my time.  Therefore, I had a much better weekend pertaining to my self worth, etc.  For once, my family comes home and I have no guilt or shame of doing what I shouldn't have been doing in the first place.  For once, I've honored my wife, marriage and family.

So....  here's the scenario.... I can see where I have in the past turned to the internet because of a disagreement I have had with my wife, kids, co-workers, etc. The internet became my "go-to" relief valve and eventually it became a problem on top of a problem.  I see it as the real problem being that I was not able to handle confrontation, anger, rejection, etc. from other people.  I turned inward and tried to get a fix from the porn instead of dealing with the real problem. 

So.... here's the question.... has anyone else who deals with PMO done the same?  Basically, had a difficult time dealing with the real problem (people) and instead turned to P and M for an escape?  Then, of course the follow up question should be, "Once you have had 30, 60, 90 days or more of no PMO, have you notice the relationships around you getting better, worse or staying the same?

I think it would be really interesting to get some feedback from whoever is willing to offer a thought.

Thank you in advance.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

I think that you will find that most of us turn to PMO in times of difficulty, just like the guy who gets drunk after a bad week at work.  And yes, we have to find a new way of dealing with things.

I would think they process goes something like this, first we do nothing, just grit our teeth and wait until the urge passes.  Then we substitute something, hopefully something positive like working out or meditating (and not something like drinking or gambling!)  And finally, if we took a positive route, finally we can start to look a problems head on.

Like anything addictive (even eating chocolate) PMO lights up the pleasure center which does counteract stress.  But we have to learn that stress is a good thing and we need to face it directly.

 

[BreakingTheFapCycle]

So.... here's the question.... has anyone else who deals with PMO done the same?  Basically, had a difficult time dealing with the real problem (people) and instead turned to P and M for an escape?

YES!!!! This has been my life in a nutshell since day one of fapping, right back when I was 13! I come from a family where people just don't talk about things and if you attempt to, then it's swept under the carpet. No one in my family talks about anything deeper than that of a very shallow puddle and as a result most of them self-medicate in one way or another.

I have one cousin who is slowly eating herself into the grave, another who suffers terrible nervous anxiety and is on heart meds because of hypertension, one who carries with him a small bottle of brandy everywhere he goes and yet another who just builds and builds and builds so he now lives in a house which is more akin to a mansion than what should be a simple residential home and at the centre are the elders who don't discuss anything at all, unless it's something good or positive. They all live for the highs.

My high of course and the way of getting it was PMO or with greater frequency, MO which counts for about 90% of all O's up to this point. I wasn't one to head to pornoland, rather I'd head to a nightclub gallery and look at some hot podium dancer shaking her tush and pushing together her pert titties whilst writhing about the place, all the while I watched and played with my penis. I feel pathetic looking at what I've just written.

MO is my drug of choice, always has been. As soon as something doesn't go right in my day off I'll head to the computer screen and knock one or several out then feel terrible and so head off back for another dopamine high and then crash down even further. I've learned now that "just one more MO" won't give me the high I'm seeking, well not after the intensity of the O anyway.

 

[PMOVictory]

"So.... here's the question.... has anyone else who deals with PMO done the same?  Basically, had a difficult time dealing with the real problem (people) and instead turned to P and M for an escape?  Then, of course the follow up question should be, "Once you have had 30, 60, 90 days or more of no PMO, have you notice the relationships around you getting better, worse or staying the same?"

I have done it a lot of times. Growing up escaping to MO when having sibling rivalry, disagreements with parents, later on when fights and misunderstandings with wife, had disappointments in work, etc. However also as a means of rewarding myself. When I accomplished something, or thought that I really worked hard, and or wanted to motivate myself, I would M.
Any excuse to reward myself with a M.

To answer the second question:
I did not really noticed it at first. At about 60 days into my reboot I actually were made aware of it by my wife. She mentioned that since I stopped PMO  demonstrated more patience towards her and I became more loving towards her.
It is then that I realised that all of a sudden I were looking at her with new eyes.
To me not spending all this time hiding from her so that I can PMO created the opportunity to actually spend more time with her. When she were talking to me and consuming my time, I did not think of it as wasting my time where I could rather sit and please myself.
All of a sudden I did not mind my sun occupying my time coz I rather wanted to act out in my selfish self pleasure.
So yes the Reboot actually not only helped me from finding a new life but it actually bettered my relationship with my wife, son and all I on a regular basis have to deal with.

The benefits from conquering the PMO devil in my life certainly have more than just one benefit. And I'm convinced that it will have the same for everybody. And yes in different ways as well, as we all differ and have different personalities.

Stay strong and be Blessed!

 

[I@andothis]

This was a tough morning for me..... my wife and I had a pretty good discussion about money and our budget.  Basically, I was expecting a rather large paycheck this week (I'm in sales).  I was getting pretty excited about all the bills I could pay and pay off. My wife began to plan a short day trip out of town for the family.  My paycheck came into day and it was about $800.00 short.  I felt completely disappointed and crushed.  I was looking forward to paying off a lot of bills today.  My wife got a upset and I wanted to get defensive.  I could feel the stress and anxiety starting to creep in and try to take charge.

As I've shared before in other post's, I would have normally had the immediate urge to hide away and get into a self medicating PMO situation.  I didn't do it this time.  However, when talking with my wife about things I could do better, I really felt exposed and vunerable.  There was nothing to hide behind and it was scary.  I'm feeling as if the "real" me is starting to come out of the box that I had kept it in for so long.  I think this transparency thing with my wife might take a little while. 

I'm still moving forward because "Icandothis".

 

[rider654321]

Hi Icandothis, and Hi also to everyone else that has contributed!

I'm only new here so I'm still reading through lots of posts, and so much of what you ALL have all contributed is inspiring. What amazes me is everyone's story of long term porn addiction is so familiar. I'm only 4 days into my reboot, and frankly, if I didn't have all of this great information to read I know I would only relapse again eventually, just as I have done 100's of times in the past when I've told myself ...  "that's it, no more porn".

So much of what each of you have contributed has resonated with me on a very deep level. I feel entirely different about beating this addiction this time. So thank you for sharing your experiences on here.     
   

 

[PMOVictory]

Great to hear Icandothis

The self awareness is very important and a significant step in recovery.
Glad to know that you did not fall for the self medication, it's a lie anyway!

Rider welcome!

This definitely is the best place to be if you want to beat this addiction.

I'm only 4 days into my reboot, and frankly, if I didn't have all of this great information to read I know I would only relapse again eventually, just as I have done 100's of times in the past when I've told myself

We all have been there 1000's of times glad this is making a difference for you!
Identify your triggers, keep on educating yourself by reading all you can on YBOP and the forum.
Post your journal.
If you feel like it get a counter, It really motivates you.

Stay strong and be Blessed!

 

[I@andothis]

I finally did it!  I wasn't sure how things were going to end up, but none the less, I did it! 

I told my wife about my internet porn addiction.​

I was expecting to stay at home and have a conversation in the our bedroom.  However, my wonderful wife had a suggestion of going out to the local IHOP restaurant.  Even though I tried to get a "private" booth it seemed like yesterday morning every single IHOP manager in the whole franchise was working the morning shift.  It felt like every 10 minutes the waitress or manager(s) would stop by asking how the food was.  The food was fine but....

The important part of the morning was that I finally got up enough courage to tell my wife.  Here's a side note: I had already shared my story with my best friend of 30 years and figured he would let me stay on his couch just in case.  After I had spent a few minutes explaining some of the details of my addiction, my incredible wife shared with me her feelings as well.  She often stated that all of this definitely explains my behavior over the past weeks, months and years.

I also shared that about 30 days into my reboot I have had such a desire to have a more fulfilling and deeper relationship with my wife.  One that is based on mutual respect and truth.  The last part of the conversation I apologized for my wrong doing and then asked if she would forgive me.  She stated that it took a lot of courage to do what I did, she respects me for that, and yes, she forgave me. 

There were no fireworks or loud hallelujahs chorus's being sung in the background.  The IHOP staff did not come around and congratulate me or give me a pancake platter with whipped cream and a candle. The rainy grey clouds that were outside did not suddenly part and a rainbow of truth did not shine down on our booth.  However, it was hard and nerve racking but I finally put an end to HIDING.  The evil porn monster has lost.  It longer has a hold on me, my marriage or my family.  It has been exposed and cannot drag me down any longer.  I am no longer one man fighting this battle but I am one man with an incredible wife beside me.  When two or more are gathered.... there is strength in numbers.

For all those on the journey, when we keep to ourselves and hide away, the evil plans of the porn monster will destroy our lives and take so much away from us.  There will mostly likely be consequences when we share our story with someone else, but they will never be as severe as what the porn monster has in store for us. 

BE STRONG AND BE COURAGEOUS MY BROTHERS WITHIN THE BATTLE.  YOU CAN DO IT!

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Congratulations that is a huge victory!  You are right, the beast thrives on secrecy so getting out in the open really is a big.  Glad your wife took it well and that things keep going in the right direction for you!

 

[rider654321]

That is fabulous news ICANDOTHIS. i can imagine how much weight must have lifted off your shoulders telling her about your addiction.

The hiding is one of the truly shameful (and stressful) parts of this addiction, and its another valid reson to give it up.

I have experienced times when I've left the house and then wondered "did I close out those pages I had open?". I have returned to my computer a fews times hours later to find that I had mistakenly left a porn page running in the back ground and wasn't aware of it. I have had other times where my now adult age kids have come into my office and I have quickly minimised the screen with porn only to have them ask if they can print something off on my computer, and I've had to make some excuse why they can't do it right now, and try to get them to leave my office long enough to close down the pages I had open and delete any history.

At other times I have quite innocently been sending an email off my laptop, and when I have gone to attach a file to the email the first file that opens is some old cache file that has dozens of porn images. That has happened to me with my wife sitting right beside me watching TV. With heart in mouth I quickly shut the screen down so she didn't see, but I realise those images are always there somewhere hidden away in files that I'm not aware of and have never been able to find and remove.

Sometimes my wife uses my office computer, and for all I know she might have already come across some of these old cache files, so she might already know of my interests in porn? I don't have the same kind of courage yet to come clean and tell anyone about my addiction. So I can understand what a huge step it must have been for you to tell your wife.

Congratulations on doing that!! I kind of think if you can take that step, then beating your addiction will be easier going forward.  Well done!

 

[PMOVictory]

WOW

Icandothis you definitely are true to your name in more than one aspect!

Congrats!!! You will see how much easier the rest of your reboot will be from now on, not to speak about the rest of your life beating this porn dragon to bits and pieces.

rider654321
What you are saying is so true and I have experienced similar embarrassing situations. Many thanx to God my Creator, Reboot Nation, YBOP, and all the wonderful friends I have made on this forum coz without all this support I could not have beaten this 40 year addiction successfully!

Stay strong and be Blessed!

 

[Oldmanme]

More than my brain, I feel like my body's about to explode. really liked all the above comments, getting to know more twits like me helps. Horneyoldman gave me some great support on my post - Phone Sex- it's all helping, but have any of you had physical withdrawal systems akin to stopping smoking?

 

[I@andothis]

Attention!  Just reached my 90 day goal.  What an accomplishment for me.  I also changed my banner to reach the 120 day mark.  Baby steps, my friends, baby steps.

In referenc0e to Oldmanme asking about both mental and physical symptoms.  Yes, I have had both.  The mental was the most difficult for me to deal with.  In the beginning, it felt as if I were in a brain fog everyday.  The accompanying physical problems were being extremely tired and weak, my legs felt like electrified jello during these tough times.  If I wasn't careful, I could easily allow my breathing to take off and go into hyper-ventilation type situation.  There were a lot more problems, but....

I can tell you, being 90 days out is incredible....  I noticed about a week ago, when driving around for work, that I was having a day free of any symptoms listed above.  Even noticed this morning I was involved in something kinda stressful for a few hours.  Walked away from it fine.

Through this whole journey, I have noticed that I wanted to stay home when my family went out to the "fun" activities.  I have actually been getting out of the house more and actually enjoying it. 

One interesting fact to note.  It seems we never complained about getting hooked on PMO.  I mean, no ever mentions at the time of getting hooked, "Oh, darn, I'm hooked on porn and its going to ruin my life." (sarcastically, of course)  We get drawn into this world of lies, and we believe every single one of the lies, and we think its great.  Look at all the naked people...... woot, hoot! 

When we, me included, start to realize the problem and begin to quit, we turn into little sissy men because we do not get an immediate sense of relieve from years of addiction.  I don't mean to be harsh when I make this last statement.  It will probably garner a few comments back in dis-agreement.  I'm trying to focus on our attitude and not the individual person involved. 

It seems that the further out we get from the evil lie of PMO, the better we can adjust our way of thinking to, "What the hell was I doing?  I'm drawing a line in the sand and there will be no more PMO, etc." 

For all those brand new to the fight.  Hang in there.  The beginning is hard, I won't lie.  However, the days are coming when you wake up and realize you are walking in the light of freedom.  If I@andothis, then you can do this.

 

[PMOVictory]

90 Days You Did It, Congrats

It was no easy feat but well worth it!!!

One interesting fact to note.  It seems we never complained about getting hooked on PMO.  I mean, no ever mentions at the time of getting hooked, "Oh, darn, I'm hooked on porn and its going to ruin my life." (sarcastically, of course)  We get drawn into this world of lies, and we believe every single one of the lies, and we think its great.  Look at all the naked people...... woot, hoot! 

When we, me included, start to realize the problem and begin to quit, we turn into little sissy men because we do not get an immediate sense of relieve from years of addiction.  I don't mean to be harsh when I make this last statement.  It will probably garner a few comments back in dis-agreement.  I'm trying to focus on our attitude and not the individual person involved. 

very well said, I never thought of it but it is so true.

Yes it is so good to be free from this beast and sure the fog lifts as you progress along the way of the reboot. In 30 days it's 120, and the rest of your life.

Well done!!!

Stay strong and receive the blessing!

 

[Oldmanme]

90 days is absolutely f*****g fantastic! It seems like a fantasy to me, being on my 7th day, bou I'm going to join you, I promise.

Thanks for the kind words, and, no I don't your comment as too harsh. This is a war and I think we have to be tough as nails. The beast ain't no pussy (pun intended). Hope to run up on you again soon. May the force be with you.

 

[PMOVictory]

Oldmanme

Small steps at a time, you are doing great.
How does the saying go...? How does a mouse eat an elephant? Bit by bit.

So how will you, I, and all of us beat this beast? one day at a time!

Like I always say,

Stay strong and be Blessed!

It sure us a huge blessing!