My brain is about to EXPLODE!

[I@andothis]

I'm feeling like a complete loser right now!  Even though I know that all things will work out for the better, right now completely SUCKS!

I spent 16+ years of my married life deceiving my wife about my porn addiction.  Even though she never directly asked me about it, I secretly, behind her back, deceived her and kept the truth from her for all of these years.  I LIED!

Now, my 14 year old son seems to be in a habit of lying to me and his mom about different things and he doesn't even seem to care about the effects it has on our relationship as father and son.  Oh, how our sins will find us out. 

Here's the other problem I'm having.  I am a Christian man with a vary dark past pertaining to various sexual sins.  I have conquered a lot of those sins with the help of mentors, counselors and the Word of God.  I know that I am forgiven and that the Grace of God covers me.  However, I am completely embarrassed about my past sexual sins, and now trying to gain victory over pornography and what type of an example I have been for Christ. 

I feel so ashamed and guilty of allowing such crud to come into my life, marriage, family and house.  What an absolute failure I have been in this area of sexual sin and lying.  It's apparent I have been an incredibly bad example to my son.......

I'm finding it hard to identify a place where I can confront my son about lying, and to do it with grace, while knowing my wife is in the other room and possibly thinking how can he (me) talk to our son about lying when he has been doing it to me for over 16 years? 

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[rider654321]

Hi ICDT

That is a tough spot to be in. How do you lecture someone on the problem with lying when you've confessed you've done the same? I wish you well finding the answers.

Teenagers this day seem to treat the truth lightly at the best of times. I have a 23 year old son and a 20 year old daughter. Through the 14 to 17 period my daughter was a cronic liar. She grew out of it though eventually. Now we have a great relationship.   

 

 

[PMOVictory]

ICDT

Here's the other problem I'm having.  I am a Christian man with a vary dark past pertaining to various sexual sins.  I have conquered a lot of those sins with the help of mentors, counselors and the Word of God.  I know that I am forgiven and that the Grace of God covers me.  However, I am completely embarrassed about my past sexual sins, and now trying to gain victory over pornography and what type of an example I have been for Christ. 

I feel so ashamed and guilty of allowing such crud to come into my life, marriage, family and house.  What an absolute failure I have been in this area of sexual sin and lying.  It's apparent I have been an incredibly bad example to my son.......

I'm finding it hard to identify a place where I can confront my son about lying, and to do it with grace, while knowing my wife is in the other room and possibly thinking how can he (me) talk to our son about lying when he has been doing it to me for over 16 years? 

Ask God to help you with wisdom on how to handle this situation. Remember, no one is perfect! If we could be perfect in ourselves there would have bee no need for Jesus to have died on the cross of Calvary for any of my sins. It is like trying to pick yourself up by your boot laces... IMPOSSIBLE!!!

Allow God to take your shame and guilt and change it in to something that can be to his glory. I know you have asked about it on another post and I have answered it there. What you want to do to help others will also show to the ones close to you that you can be trusted and that you do not want to turn back to your old habits.
Then it will be easy for you to reprimand your son for what ever he needs to be reprimanded of, coz you would stand in front of him as a living witness of what the wonderful loving Grace is all about. Sure it is good to learn by our own mistakes. But it can be so much better and saving a lot of time and heart ache if we can learn through the mistakes of others. I would most certainly encourage you to hone in to this when having the discussion with your son.

I'll pray for you my brother!

Stay strong and be Blessed!

 

[I@andothis]

This is the day the Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it.

God has allowed me to wake up on this planet one more day and He has a purpose and plan for my life today.  Regardless of what comes my way, I know God, my Heavenly Father, is with me.  He will either calm the storm that is around me or give me peace within the storm to endure it. 

At the end of the day, I will look back on the day and rejoice for all that has been accomplished.  I will be glad for another great day in the Lord.

He is my Rock and my Fortress.  In whom shall I fear?  There is no one like my God.

 

[PMOVictory]

AMEN!!!

With an attitude like this nothing will be able to get you down!
This does not mean that there will be no temptations and pitfalls. As a matter of fact you might find that there might be an increase in it! Remember the enemy does not like this attitude and he will do his upmost to discourage you.

However, by being strong and staying strong and true to yourself is the best way to be able to build more confidence and be even stronger for the nest temptation.

How do you think a body builder builds those muscles...?
Definitely not by sitting there looking at those heavy weights, but by exercising the muscles and going through a lot of pain!

Stay strong and be Blessed!

 

[I@andothis]

As of today, I am on day 141 of destroying the porn monster in my life.  Never thought I would even be able to say I am at day #1 let alone day #141. 

I can easily remember the very first day of this challenge as if it were yesterday.  It seemed every waking moment was focused on whatever the last porn website I watched and when could I get the next "hit" (pic/video) etc.?  I was crying out from the inside wondering if I will ever be free from this lifestyle.  I had been crying out from the inside every since I was introduced to porn in my early teen years by a friend.  My body was in pain and my mental capacity seemed to be failing daily.  I was afraid of loosing my job and I was worrying about how my wife would re-act if I ever told her. (read earlier posts on this thread to see how my wife handled my confession).

One of the things I am currently learning is that 1) I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I'd like to think I have some type of strength or will power involved in this recovery process, which I do an it's called FREE WILL.  God gave that to each and every one of us the moment we were born.  Ultimately though, for me, the strength that I have needed to overcome the PMO monster (sin) in my life has come from my Heavenly Father. I don't always understand it, but His grace is sufficient for me every single day that He allows me to wake up on this planet.  Over the past week He has re-assured me over and over that He is with me. 

Hmmmm, let's take a moment to reflect on this...... having the PMO monster in my head for over 30 years or my Heavenly Father assuring me He is with me every moment of the day.  I'll take the second one hands down.

The second item is this 2) God will not give me/us more than what I/we can handle.  I've always struggled with this verse simply because I have had too many years of the struggling.  There have been many days where I just wanted to be left alone and have a "peaceful" day without any challenges in it at all.  I'm learning that is not God's will for my life.  Knowing that each and everyday God puts situations in my life to "perfect me until the day of Jesus Christ" then I must have challenges in my life.  With these challenges I again have a "FREE WILL" to choose the out come of each new situation, i.e. I can sit in front of the computer for hours each day looking at porn and serving my own prideful self, or I can make I strong decision to walk away from it and be totally engaged in life: family, church, work, hobbies, etc. When re-reading what I just wrote, it sounds so easy but I know its not.  Even at day #141 I face struggles.  They are completely different than the PMO struggle that used to dominate my life and I fell that I can journey through these struggles, with God's help, with a clearer mind and purpose.

I am so thankful that I have 141 days of freedom behind me.  I am more thankful for the grace that my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ has provided for me through the cross over 2,000 years ago. 

Remember, if I@andoths then so can you.

May the Lord bless you today in your journey.

 

[PMOVictory]

Your witness is an inspiration and blessing to others!

Thank you for sharing it with us.

Stay strong and receive the Blessing!

PS If you are interested look at my latest update under Victory over PMO and witness the working of God in allowing things in my life to be a blessing to others! We serve a Powerful living God!

 

[I@andothis]

It's been awhile since my last post.  Time for a little reflection...

The other night my younger son asked to use my laptop to finish up some homework.  I simply handed him the laptop and watched him for moment as he started to work away.  I had a quick thought of true FREEDOM and JOY.  I was able to essentially let anyone in my family use my laptop without any amount of worry.  There was no worry of "Will they come across the last porn sight I visited?" 

As of today, it has been 6 full months of an absolute porn FREE life. 

Hallelujah and Praise the Lord!

I can easily remember when the porn monster had it's ugly teeth deep within my soul.  That was all I could ever think of.  Now, I wake up in the morning well rested looking forward to the day at work, home with my family or going to church on Sunday mornings to worship my King.

What an exciting day to be alive.

Remember, if I@andothis, so can you.

Be blessed in the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ.

 

[PMOVictory]

Congratz on 180 days.

God is good indeed!

What you just have shared about being able to hand your laptop over to your son not having to worry about what he might come across is so profound and liberating.

I remember the moment I realised that I haven't erased my browser history for months, not having to hide anything. Where previously I had to do it every time after being on the internet.

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!

 

[Poker]

Congrats on hitting a big milestone.  You are an inspiration to those of us just starting this journey.

Cheers,

p.

 

[lyon03]

Well done! Congratulations and thank you for sharing.

 

[I@andothis]

I would like to give a shout out to those that are just starting their Reboot journey. 

In the beginning you may possibly feel your whole world is crashing in on you.  There might be moments when taking your next breath is difficult along with just getting out of bed in the morning.  One of the biggest questions on your mind could be, will you ever be able to walk by a device that has the internet on it and not be able to have a sexual fantasy urge based off of some porn sight you saw the night before?

All of these types of thoughts, questions and emotions are real.  Many of us who are gaining victory in the area of PMO have experienced all of these and more.  One of the most exciting parts of the Reboot journey is there will come a day when you realize those thoughts are either diminishing or just not there any more.  One of the most profound days in my life was just that.... I woke up from a good nights sleep, had a great day at work, came home and focused on the family and then it hit me...... I had gone through the whole day without craving ANYTHING (porn) from the internet at all.  It was so liberating to know I could actually think about something other than pornography.  During this journey I have begun to realize just how important and dynamic the relationships are within my family.

Before I started this reboot my wife and I were doing okay, at least from my standards.  I later found out she had felt like the third wheel for several years and also wondered why I was so distant.  Even though I would like to argue my 16+ years of viewing porn had no effect on my marriage, I would now have to now argue that's a huge LIE.  One of the hardest things I did was confess my addiction to my wife shortly after starting this thread.  It was hard and embarrassing and I felt like the lowest form of life that could ever exist.  There is always good news when you hit bottom though.... you have to look up.

Now that I am six months into my reboot I am finding the relationship with my wife is deeper and more fulfilling.  Today, for example, while focusing on the chores around the house she came up to me, grabbed me by my shirt, pulled me in and kissed me.  Did I mention there was a sparkle in her eyes that had never been there before?

So here's the ten million dollar question for those just starting out on the Reboot journey.  "Is it worth it?" 

Ultimately, is it worth it to give up such incredible relationships, friends or family, for a few hours of porn?  I have known for quite some time that my addiction to porn was all about me.  When giving up porn and focusing on my family, for example, I find myself getting more joy, comfort and happiness seeing them excited about our relationship.  When I give myself away to others, they get lifted up and in turn they build me up.

Porn is a lie straight from the pit of hell.  It was created to tear people and families apart.  I am no saint by any means and I've made my share of mistakes.  What I have found, though, is that when fully giving my life over to Christ, HE will provide me the necessary strength to make it through the next minute, hour, day, week, month and year.

It a little odd to say, but I think I'm thankful for the PMO struggle in my life.  I'm thankful only in the way that it has taught me to see how wrong I was about a lot of things in life and then also showing me how absolutely incredible life can be when focusing on the right things.

That's all for now.

Remember, if I@andoit, so can you.

May you be blessed through this next week.

 

[Poker]

I feel you man....  well played.

Cheers,

p.