thanks. I've been going through a lot lately, several issues that I've been trying to manage so a lot of emotional stress. This is probably the reason why my brain is so full of inappropriate thoughts..so I need to be careful. But I do feel fully aware and committed to my responsibilities..but also to make sure to avoid complacency even for a second.
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A new chapter?
- Thread starter 32
- Start date
I'm going through a difficult time, as I've made reference to in recent posts. This has had a knock on effect to my wife; sorry for being vague but we are having issues, which I'm sure we will pull through but it's in many respect our biggest issue since we've been together and married. I've been all over the place, and in the process have really hurt her and damaged her. I feel like I have lost it somewhat and wonder if, despite feeling 'good' about my withdrawal over three weeks ago as to whether it may have caused me to intensify my emotions even more. Does that make sense?
Day 29. Today's challenge was not objectifying women in the street; my brain was sensitive to attractive (and non attractive) women and I had to fight hard to not look at women. I nearly edged a couple of times too (in terms of internet subs); kind of did for a few seconds, but quickly diverted my attention to the following blog/link which helped me to stay focused: http://jefffinley.org/pornfree/
At what stage do people find 'objectifying women' in the street starts to ease? I'm very uncomfortable with it. It's also a simple way of knowing if this kind of behaviour is still a thing or if the issue is calming down.
I must stay far away from edging; this has caused me massive problems in the past and don't want to walk near the edge of the cliff...
At what stage do people find 'objectifying women' in the street starts to ease? I'm very uncomfortable with it. It's also a simple way of knowing if this kind of behaviour is still a thing or if the issue is calming down.
I must stay far away from edging; this has caused me massive problems in the past and don't want to walk near the edge of the cliff...
Day 30.
Overall I can proudly say this is progress, although I do feel sad that rebooting is necessary. But it is and I must continue to stay focused on consistent improvement and to make this issue a thing of the past. On that note, I must admit that last night I was horny and as it wasn't practical to be intimate with my wife I edged. It certainly wasn't porn or even subs per sa, but I do know it was inappropriate. I must simply learn from this and carry on without guilt or shame, but rather with my head held high as I have made it to Day 30 and with an eye towards building my life for the long term.
Overall I can proudly say this is progress, although I do feel sad that rebooting is necessary. But it is and I must continue to stay focused on consistent improvement and to make this issue a thing of the past. On that note, I must admit that last night I was horny and as it wasn't practical to be intimate with my wife I edged. It certainly wasn't porn or even subs per sa, but I do know it was inappropriate. I must simply learn from this and carry on without guilt or shame, but rather with my head held high as I have made it to Day 30 and with an eye towards building my life for the long term.
Day 34. It's been a difficult day with lots of urges. My brain is sensitive to both lots of triggers and porn. I've come close to edging but no porn/subs per sa. Today has been a real test. It makes me anxious about tomorrow and the coming weeks. I must not slip back to old habits and remember that it's not just about not looking at porn..or edging but ALSO about focusing on building a life for the future. Please pray for me. This forum is helping me like I never thought would be possible. Thanks for reading.
aquarius25
Respected Member
Have you considered sitting down and writing out what your goals are for the future? How quitting this and turning a new direction will impact those goals? Maybe you could even include your wife in these goals and you could make them together? It might help to keep your focus on what you are working towards instead of what your are abstaining from. Like dieting, when you just think about what you can't eat it consumes you and you start to crave those foods. Then you try to make something similar but it is just not the same and you end up feeling unsatisfied. Instead to be successful on a diet you should think on what amazing things you can have! Don't try to replicate and replace but think on the new possibilities.
Just a different perspective, I hope it is encouraging. I wish you the very best in your recovery!
Just a different perspective, I hope it is encouraging. I wish you the very best in your recovery!
Day 37. Man my brain is constantly looking for some fix; either online or when passing a women in real life. Trying to gyard my eyes and constantly reinforce my decisions to stay away and live my life for what it is. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that it takes time but what is most important is my commitment.
Day 40. Really taking stock this morning, about the positive and negative effects of abstaining/acting out respectively. Last week, my brain was super sensitive to my (shameful) association of women and sex; walking down the street was hard, but I tried to keep myself in check about not looking and to constantly remind myself what's at stake if I let myself go with thoughts or emotions which are inappropriate..it may very well end up with a relapse and I must do everything in my power, each day, to have safeguards and to stay focused.
Day 40 is a massive achievement for me, yet although I do feel proud, today I feel more determined than ever. This isn't just about staying away from porn, because that alone doesn't work for me. It's about setting goals and building a future; although I don't know the details and I have a huge amount of stress and unknowns right now, I am staying aware, focused and on track.
EFT is really helping me at the moment, just to check-in and accept whatever emotions I'm dealing with. As is this forum. Thanks for reading.
Day 40 is a massive achievement for me, yet although I do feel proud, today I feel more determined than ever. This isn't just about staying away from porn, because that alone doesn't work for me. It's about setting goals and building a future; although I don't know the details and I have a huge amount of stress and unknowns right now, I am staying aware, focused and on track.
EFT is really helping me at the moment, just to check-in and accept whatever emotions I'm dealing with. As is this forum. Thanks for reading.
Day 43. Boy today it's been a tough one. Regularly thinking about inappropriate things and my brain has been craving porn today, even though I know its bad for me. This afternoon I have slipped into edging and looking at inappropriate images for a few minutes. I am not best pleased to put it mildly because my brain is super alert (for all the wrong reasons), I can feel my heart beating fast and I am remembering the reasons why I do not want this anymore and need to live an authentic life. For God sake, I want to have kids and i need to be ready to try for a baby and be ready emotionally (and physically) for my wife who I adore. Deep breath. I have made it to Day 43, which is huge for me. I know that I have been though huge stress lately and although I'm slowly coming out of it that does not allow me to slip back to old negative habits or behaviours; now is the time to focus and take control of my life. Must stay positive and realistic. This is not a relapse, but a blip and aruagably the first true blip that I have had in weeks! So, I choose to forgive myself, not to feel any guilt or shame but to learn from this blip and commit to staying away from any edging or porn subs from this moment on. In two days time, I can enjoy the realisation that I am half way towards the 90 day mark. Nobody said this will be easy and I accept that today was a blip, but not a relapse. I will stay strong, focused and committed. Each and every day is important, there is no time or energy that can be wasted from now on. I will make sense of this life for I have one chance at it.
Day 61. I can't believe I just wrote that! I feel a get sense of a accomplishment although I am fully aware that I have had some edging blips and that my cravings are still really strong. It feels like it got easier for about a week but now it's strong again, although definately a change in terms of my brain not grabbing porn or subs; I'm able to take a moment to weigh up the options or using p or rejecting it. I really.need to reach the place of knowing the dangers of porn so clearly in my mind that there is simply no option but to reject it. There must be no room in my life for such dangers.
Day 61. Shamefully, following my post this morning I had a trigger which resulted in me relapsing.
I must admit that I edged by browsing for inappropriate pics which eventually led me to look at several pictures of pornography. It's not like I ran away from it, but rather engaged with it and pmo'd.
Was it worth it? Hell no. Absolutely not.
How do I feel now (a few hours later)? Ashamed. Actually quite embarrassed, as if I am a teenager who can't control himself. Even though I had a trigger, how could I let it into my life? I wrote in my last post (earlier this morning) that I want and need for porn or edging behaviours to not be an option.
I know that relapsing is 'normal'. After all, this is by no means easy. And if it is any consolation, 60 days without porn per sa (bar a couple of short 'edging') is a massive achievement for me given that it was normally once a week. Have I changed? Yes. Is porn still an issue though? Yes.
My goal is to change the last answer to 'No'.
In a strange way, although dissappointed and guilt etc, I think this is a wake-up call. To make sure that I never allow myself to repeat this disgusting behaviour. It is selfish and soul destroying. I will not let this happen again. I must not.
I must admit that I edged by browsing for inappropriate pics which eventually led me to look at several pictures of pornography. It's not like I ran away from it, but rather engaged with it and pmo'd.
Was it worth it? Hell no. Absolutely not.
How do I feel now (a few hours later)? Ashamed. Actually quite embarrassed, as if I am a teenager who can't control himself. Even though I had a trigger, how could I let it into my life? I wrote in my last post (earlier this morning) that I want and need for porn or edging behaviours to not be an option.
I know that relapsing is 'normal'. After all, this is by no means easy. And if it is any consolation, 60 days without porn per sa (bar a couple of short 'edging') is a massive achievement for me given that it was normally once a week. Have I changed? Yes. Is porn still an issue though? Yes.
My goal is to change the last answer to 'No'.
In a strange way, although dissappointed and guilt etc, I think this is a wake-up call. To make sure that I never allow myself to repeat this disgusting behaviour. It is selfish and soul destroying. I will not let this happen again. I must not.
A quick update. It's been a week and half since my relapse although I've been away since then. This afternoon I felt overpowered (almost out of control) and browsed for pornography images. Very disappointed in myself and feeling emotional about it especially as it may cause e.d. which is obviously a huge problem as I have only recently started to try for children.
This morning I turned to pornography again. It feels like it's getting out of hand, but despite struggling not to browse for inappropriate images, I turned to Porn Free Radio.
The latest episode (podcast link below) spoke directly to me: Avoiding failure. It is the paradox between (when relapsing) not wanting to deal with the negative or painful emotions of the set back, but by not dealing with it I turn to porn.
It's worth a listen..
http://hwcdn.libsyn.com/p/6/9/3/693b4682881c28d8/pfr112.mp3?c_id=14802534&expiration=1493023952&hwt=cbb3fc9013a14d0d60f717d9c6fa62af
The latest episode (podcast link below) spoke directly to me: Avoiding failure. It is the paradox between (when relapsing) not wanting to deal with the negative or painful emotions of the set back, but by not dealing with it I turn to porn.
It's worth a listen..
http://hwcdn.libsyn.com/p/6/9/3/693b4682881c28d8/pfr112.mp3?c_id=14802534&expiration=1493023952&hwt=cbb3fc9013a14d0d60f717d9c6fa62af
Last night I relapsed..again. I have been giving in too easily to porn subs almost daily (even briefly) since my relapse a couple of weeks ago after my record 60 days. I'm aware that I have been struggling with some emotions which is where the root problem is. Today I feel a lot more focused on sorting my shit out and building up the life that I want, even if there is plenty of uncertainty. I am exhausted from all of this emotional roller coaster and it's not fair to me nor my wife. The past week my brain has been hyper with porn on the brain and it's been a bit of a nightmare, but last night's relapse (although I was 'aware' of what i was doing at the time) is a bit of a wake up call; hit rock bottom but still on top I now must take 100% responsibility for my thoughts, actions and behaviours if I want to be happy and healthy. I need to grow up for once and for all.
W
Web100
Guest
Hey 32
I can completely relate to what you have been going through in the past few weeks. I find after a relapse it's very hard for me to get straight back on the wagon. I'm sure there is some scientific rationale for this related to our brains. The thing about it for me was when I relapsed the first time, my brain would persuade me that it's just this one time and then I will be straight back to being clean again.. but unfortunately it's not that easy. My suggestion is to try to get a few days under your belt and try to get on a streak like you were before. Good luck!
I can completely relate to what you have been going through in the past few weeks. I find after a relapse it's very hard for me to get straight back on the wagon. I'm sure there is some scientific rationale for this related to our brains. The thing about it for me was when I relapsed the first time, my brain would persuade me that it's just this one time and then I will be straight back to being clean again.. but unfortunately it's not that easy. My suggestion is to try to get a few days under your belt and try to get on a streak like you were before. Good luck!
I'm in exactly the same boat. the tricky brain says - 'just one time!' But when we PMO, the more we want to PMO. It's never taking just 1 hour out of your life. it's buying a ticket to that rollercoaster. i'm frustrated too after a long sobriety streak. Let's keep focused and get those all important first few days under out belt. It's slowly but surely - we're beating this
It's been about a month since I last logged on. After c. 60 days clean I had a terrible month and a half following with repeated acting out. Now I am about two weeks in since last acting out and feeling like shit. Depressed, fatigued, etc. But I recognise it's part of the withdrawal period and am trying to teach my brain to not fight 99%, but rather commit 100% so that there's no room for complacency or to give in at all. Even in the past hour, I was not at 100% and my brain was tricking me to give in, just for a bit. I was browsing online but thankfully didn't see anything inappropriate. Hence I am here again. I am learning a lot about myself these past couple of weeks and hope, and pray, to commit 100% and would like to report my progress soon.
It is time to accept things just the way they are, without denial or pretence. On Tuesday night I relapsed by watching pornography and masturbating, inevitably wasting seed during a period of my life when I am supposedly trying for a child (when every sexual encounter with my wife is important to be able to be aroused physically and emotionally, where I need provide my duty to increase the chances of my wife conceiving). I am deeply ashamed with great remorse that has not bounds. It has happened yet again and is constantly occupying my thoughts. How can I continue to work and to share my life with people, especially my wife, whilst feeling such regret without their knowledge? This is especially true after making significant growth, progress which has resulted from hard-work, commitment to a better way of life. Yet, the seventeen old addiction is still robbing me of a better life. Despite any trigger, the worry is how can it be that with my self-awareness, a higher consciousness of such extent but yet the brain is hard wired to instruct me to act out. Alas.
This is my life, my one chance to be happy, fulfilled and capable of contributing to society. I have to train my brain that despite any temptation or trigger, I have the control, the choice to think clearly and to behave appropriately. I can control the switch to turn the level of consciousness brighter or dimmer; it is about wiring our brains to learn how to best operate our mind and function our choices.
This isn?t just about 90 days, although that is a significant benchmark for which to achieve. The truth is, it will take me between 9 to 12 months before I notice real and sustainable change, where triggers and temptations will not be common place and when it does occur, my natural instinct will be to reject it without any further possibility of acting out.
That is my ambition, hope, dream and goal. One which is also fundamental if I am to carry on living. I cannot bear the pain and suffering that comes with withdrawal (typically 2 to 4 weeks from abstaining from pornography), but I also know that ?no pain, no gain?. It is a part of the process of withdrawing and it must be accepted. The best way to deal and manage it is by first accepting the emotions and then to counter it with appropriate channels of feel-good actions.
Next steps is to remind myself of who I am, a married man who is supposedly honest, reliable and positive. It is time that I start building a sense of consistency as to how I behave and life my life in mind of bringing out the best version of myself, so that I can become a better husband and all-round person. I have been figuring out my life and learning a lot about who I am and what makes me tick, but also to acknowledge and accept my short comings with priority on refining them. Consistency and commitment are the keys, but enough of knowing the theory and been transfixed on my past, it is about being present and facing the future in a responsible manner.
So whilst I am feeling sadness (and perhaps shock) from my relapse, it is now in the past. I must learn to let it go by smiling, being mindful and learning to love again ? to love myself and then my life and everyone/everything in it.
This is my life, my one chance to be happy, fulfilled and capable of contributing to society. I have to train my brain that despite any temptation or trigger, I have the control, the choice to think clearly and to behave appropriately. I can control the switch to turn the level of consciousness brighter or dimmer; it is about wiring our brains to learn how to best operate our mind and function our choices.
This isn?t just about 90 days, although that is a significant benchmark for which to achieve. The truth is, it will take me between 9 to 12 months before I notice real and sustainable change, where triggers and temptations will not be common place and when it does occur, my natural instinct will be to reject it without any further possibility of acting out.
That is my ambition, hope, dream and goal. One which is also fundamental if I am to carry on living. I cannot bear the pain and suffering that comes with withdrawal (typically 2 to 4 weeks from abstaining from pornography), but I also know that ?no pain, no gain?. It is a part of the process of withdrawing and it must be accepted. The best way to deal and manage it is by first accepting the emotions and then to counter it with appropriate channels of feel-good actions.
Next steps is to remind myself of who I am, a married man who is supposedly honest, reliable and positive. It is time that I start building a sense of consistency as to how I behave and life my life in mind of bringing out the best version of myself, so that I can become a better husband and all-round person. I have been figuring out my life and learning a lot about who I am and what makes me tick, but also to acknowledge and accept my short comings with priority on refining them. Consistency and commitment are the keys, but enough of knowing the theory and been transfixed on my past, it is about being present and facing the future in a responsible manner.
So whilst I am feeling sadness (and perhaps shock) from my relapse, it is now in the past. I must learn to let it go by smiling, being mindful and learning to love again ? to love myself and then my life and everyone/everything in it.