A new chapter?

[32]

I do not relapse, I lapsed. Note the nuance. These past few days since I acted out I have struggled with temptation and fantasy, etc, but I have not given in to it. Today I am feeling healthy again.

In the Jewish calendar tonight and tomorrow is the Day of Atonement. It's a massive opportunity to refocus our energy and mindset. On this subject, I was listening to a lecture who explained the following:

It is NOT about willpower or discipline (although this is a part of it), but fundamentally about making a clear and absolute DECISION about how we want to live our lives; as long as we are clear on the truth (aka integrity) then we have a strong enough REASON (aka sustainable motivation).

Once we make our mind up then we commit to it; if we are not 100% invested then alternative behaviours (e.g. PMO) becomes an option, which is of course when we then struggle and think about willpower, etc. 

 

[longtimequitter]

Thank you for clarifying. I am a little rusty on the different terminology. Good to hear you're feeling better!

 

[32]

I'm glad I have this forum to express how I am feeling: Irritable, angry and anxious all wrapped into one! Also exhausted.

Trying my best to keep my emotions in check, but feel quite alone about work-related issues. My wife hasn't really been there for me lately; I know that I cannot relay on her alone.

 

[32]

I'm at work, the office is quiet and I had a trigger. Let myself 'browse' after typing in a random girl's name into google. It led me to a twitter account of a hot girl and some online flirt type website. I looked for a moment and struggled to get off it, but I did. There was no porn per se, but it was a form a sub porn. Now I am here. I wasn't on it for long, but enough time for it to make enough impact and to start feeling guilty. Although I did think about my priorities in life, especially my relationship with my wife and us expecting a baby. I do not want - I cannot - go on living how I have done for so many years; I need stability, a normal healthy and well balanced psyche and life. That is why I am back here now, taking advantage of this forum and expressing how I feel. I may have slipped into browsing subs for a minute, but I am still taking control. However, the lesson is to prepare for such battles and to know that since I am tired and there are emotional triggers, I must be ready and decisive so that this doesn't happen again.

 

[TakeActionNow]

32,

when we meditate, we learn that nothing is permanent, and everything passes away in time.
itch, pain, nagging thoughts, difficult emotions, all transient feelings rise peak and fall away.
All of them.

Please give a try
prove to yourself that triggers and cravings can also pass away in time, without you taking any action.
The key is not to have attachment. Attachment to the feeling will lead craving and finally action.

How not to have attachment is to acknowledge and then let go
"ok, i feel myself wanting to sneak a peak" (acknowledge)
"back to work!" (let go)

 

[32]

Thanks 'Take Action Now'.

I've been away for a couple of days, but last night I had crazy desire for some nudity. Managed to resist it though.

This morning I was home alone, and suddenly found myself looking at porn and m*bating. As always, the second it was over the rush of guilt and shame came upon me, feeling dirty, anxious and sick these past few hours. I am very disappointed in myself as I felt that 'rush' of temptation but reality isn't enough to keep me in check. Of course, I had not thought ahead and planned what is possible (ie temptation) when using my mobile at home alone. School boy error. Now I have to live with the guilt and shame. True, this will eventually pass but it is so difficult and emotionally painful living this double life.

 

[32]

I had a scheduled appointment with a therapist but in (subconscious) apprehension and whilst working at home, alone, I got lost in the porn bubble. I have learned a few important things today:

1. It is absolutely essential to meditate and focus my intentions (consciously) on how I want to behave, my motivators and reasons for being focused and guarding my eyes. It is clearly an ongoing problem if I just switch on the laptop with all good intentions only to find myself battling with triggers. Porn is a vehicle for me to escape reality; if I am prepared than I can focus my mind and energy on building towards my future.

2. I have learned to not tell myself "do not watch porn" or any other negative command, as apparently the subconscious does not listen to these negative suggestions (i.e. "not, do not" etc). Instead, the brain receives the message "do watch porn".
Rather, I need to form a habit of telling myself something positive, such as "guard your eyes" or "stay in control".

My therapist also advised me to write down some positive change or improvement, or something that I have noticed, each and every day. This action of writing coupled with awareness/or gratitude will tell my brain that change, whether big or small, is good and makes me feel happy.

I am also going to try hard to work on letting go of any feelings of guilt and shame, as it no longer serves me well.

 

[gazz]

Great stuff mate. I've never had the courage to share with a therapist. And I think I'm about 5years older than you, so if I'd have taken the step at your age, I'd have saved 5years not being in the 'pleasure prison'. In the success stories there's a guy called 'golden jacket' or something. He used a therapist, and is doing really well. Stay strong!

 

[32]

Thanks Gazz.

Whilst I am still processing a lot of my discussion with my therapist, I watched porn this morning and m*ated.

I am now listening to Porn Free Radio which is helping me to understand myself better - my need for connection and to feel loved, which is something I have not felt from my wife (in the way that I need from her and not just the way how she gives it). This affects my esteem and such feelings of being devoid of a sense of connection and love doesn't help me, but I can try to re-focus this matter.

Also, I just realised that as a result of being so desperate to be free from this problem, I guess I am putting a lot of pressure on myself (to be free from it). But at the same time, I have a subconscious fear of failure; i.e. that I don't succeed and keep watching P..and how that will continue to negatively effect my life.

So I really do need to try and shift some of these feelings/beliefs otherwise I will continue to self sabotage.

Does anyone else relate to either of these points?

 

[RealityCheck]

32,

I completely relate to where you are coming from.  It's easy to fixate on the problems you currently have, because they are in front of you.  And we become what we think about.  The hardest part is the beginning, shrugging off the negative emotions that stare us in the face every day, and fixate on the positive vision we are working towards.  I think it would help you to not only write down what positive changes you see, which sounds like a great idea, but also be SPECIFIC about what you are working towards.

This might sound like the dumbest thing ever, but hear me out.  I also had a lot of negative self-talk in the past, it sounds like you have some of that going on, like putting pressure on yourself.  One way out of that is to make your whole situation lighter, inject some humor into it.  Literally nobody in the world knows I do this, but I have a specific name for my dick.  It's not in a cocky way, like Zeus or anything, it's a normal name you hear all the time.  For example, (this isn't the name), if you name your dick "Steve".  When you have an urge, instead of beating yourself up, and thinking about how difficult it is to fight the urge, just say to yourself "Steve, dude, calm down.  We're going on a date Friday."  Stress and pressure is self-induced.  Humor can help to lighten the load.