Hey mate, sorry to hear about the difficulties. But you've proven you can go a long time sober, and you're improving, so this is the right path, and it's difficult - you know that, and you're in the fight. to quote a nofap vid I recently saw. you're in a prison, and it's a horrible place, and it's through no fault of your own, but there are no bars, there are no guards, you just have to get past yourself to walk out there. You can do this
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A new chapter?
- Thread starter 32
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thanks for your words of encouragement.
This week I am working so damn hard to stay on the right track.
Today it was very hard not to objectify women in the street, but I did keep catching myself out and refocusing. Similarly, I am working from home this afternoon and it is testing me, but just about doing OK. I really must guard my eyes today, it is really really important.
This week I am working so damn hard to stay on the right track.
Today it was very hard not to objectify women in the street, but I did keep catching myself out and refocusing. Similarly, I am working from home this afternoon and it is testing me, but just about doing OK. I really must guard my eyes today, it is really really important.
Shortly after I wrote the last post I edged which let to browsing some porn images and masturbating. The twisted part was that I was doing it I was saying to myself how disgusting and being in a state of disbelief; the thoughts and actions are out of sync despite my level of awareness. I know it's compulsion which we all experience, but I once again gave-in despite being prepared and ready for the monster.
It's like after fighting it for hours on end I finally took hold of me. The only thing is this is not an external thing, the demon is within me (as it is with us all). I was feeling frustrated and perhaps there was some element of limiting beliefs, but again, I am so ashamed and disappointed in myself for not staying strong and disciplined. It's easy to make excuses. I know that this is an extremely long standing problem of 16/17 years, but when your level of awareness is so strong and you are thinking about consequences and putting reality in the frame how can I still not force myself to move away from my computer and meditate or take a cold shower?
As I mentioned in my last post, I have been working extra hard and it was an important day for me to stay clean (obviously for personal reasons), yet this has happened. I need to try to take this on the chin, think of it factually and remove any emotions as best as I can. Specifically anxiety (and guilt) in case my wife says that she wants sex tonight.
It's like after fighting it for hours on end I finally took hold of me. The only thing is this is not an external thing, the demon is within me (as it is with us all). I was feeling frustrated and perhaps there was some element of limiting beliefs, but again, I am so ashamed and disappointed in myself for not staying strong and disciplined. It's easy to make excuses. I know that this is an extremely long standing problem of 16/17 years, but when your level of awareness is so strong and you are thinking about consequences and putting reality in the frame how can I still not force myself to move away from my computer and meditate or take a cold shower?
As I mentioned in my last post, I have been working extra hard and it was an important day for me to stay clean (obviously for personal reasons), yet this has happened. I need to try to take this on the chin, think of it factually and remove any emotions as best as I can. Specifically anxiety (and guilt) in case my wife says that she wants sex tonight.
Spent less than a minute browsing, didn't see any nudity but a few pics of a model. Decided that it is not what I want, that it is not good for me and will make me miserable. So I turned it off and came here to stay focused on what is most important it my life and trying to think ahead about possible consequences - both positive and negative. I know that I am at the start of my recovery even though I have been trying to years on end. At the end of the day it is a commitment to living by a new mindset and that is what will take 90 days (phase 1). I now choose to let go of any bad feelings and not to be hard on myself for the momentary blip in loosing focus; it is part of the process to learn how to make the right decisions but next time I must be proactive and realise where possible triggers may present itself; of course it's not always possible but on this occasion it was because I was reading some articles and came away feeling like I was not enough and worrying about not succeeding.
This morning I had sex with my wife for the first time in about 2 months (she hadn't wanted it previously due to pregnancy issues). Whilst it was really good it has left that appetite for more sex and now that she went to the bedroom to sleep and since then left the house I have struggled with porn subs which also resulted in me looking at a few porn images. my mindset shifted backwards to how it used to be but thankfully I managed to stop myself from cumming (which gives me huge guilt) and also to shut down the disgusting pictures and make a stand. Of course I wish i had done so before temporarily giving in but at least I have made some progress. i am now thinking a lot clearer and simply do not want to repeat that type of behaviour. So long as I do not go back to that type of activity in the next few days and built upon recent successes, then I will not mark it as a relapse and set the counter back to zero. Rather I would treat it as a lesson learnt and part of the process of withdrawal. But I clearly must strengthen my resolve to be clean without any further repeats.
Hey mate,
Yeah, sex and recovery are a tricky one. I suffer from the same problem myself. I can only say, we've learned a lot, we know what is right and as time goes by I gradually make less mistakes. Less zoning out (and fantasizing, internet surfing) is a big part of that, and more zoning in helps - mindfulness - stay in the real world - sex with wife, having a cup of coffee - real; going online and going into a cyber world, not real. STay focused and don't waste all the hard work you've done!
Yeah, sex and recovery are a tricky one. I suffer from the same problem myself. I can only say, we've learned a lot, we know what is right and as time goes by I gradually make less mistakes. Less zoning out (and fantasizing, internet surfing) is a big part of that, and more zoning in helps - mindfulness - stay in the real world - sex with wife, having a cup of coffee - real; going online and going into a cyber world, not real. STay focused and don't waste all the hard work you've done!
Thanks Gazz for your post, I am grateful for your message.
It sounds stupid, but I had not really appreciated the strength of the link between having sex with my wife and and urges that follows in the subsequent days to watch porn. In retrospect I can clearly see that, but this was something of a revelation to me! Always knew I was a late bloomer but at least now I have learnt to recognise and be aware of that pattern.
This week I have busy and also tried to focus on taking action (in general) which would help me to move forward with my life goals, and similarly to do things which make me feel good; I do not think its a coincidence that I have not had any real temptation or distraction for porn.
Today I am feeling a little down because last night as I was falling asleep the guilt and reality of my situation hit me hard. Lying next to my pregnant wife and knowing that I have been lying to her for our entire relationship of 5 years.
Extremely tired today after a busy and stressful week, maybe/maybe not more tired as I continue to withdraw from using porn to self-medicate. I really feel sick by the idea of using it for this purpose and have had enough, but also know from experience that it will try to get a hold of me sooner or later so I must be extra vigilant.
It sounds stupid, but I had not really appreciated the strength of the link between having sex with my wife and and urges that follows in the subsequent days to watch porn. In retrospect I can clearly see that, but this was something of a revelation to me! Always knew I was a late bloomer but at least now I have learnt to recognise and be aware of that pattern.
This week I have busy and also tried to focus on taking action (in general) which would help me to move forward with my life goals, and similarly to do things which make me feel good; I do not think its a coincidence that I have not had any real temptation or distraction for porn.
Today I am feeling a little down because last night as I was falling asleep the guilt and reality of my situation hit me hard. Lying next to my pregnant wife and knowing that I have been lying to her for our entire relationship of 5 years.
Extremely tired today after a busy and stressful week, maybe/maybe not more tired as I continue to withdraw from using porn to self-medicate. I really feel sick by the idea of using it for this purpose and have had enough, but also know from experience that it will try to get a hold of me sooner or later so I must be extra vigilant.
I have been so angry/moody these past few days, including this morning, but I turned it around. It was as simple as going out to buy myself a cup of coffee and to simply accept how I was feeling, and to give myself permission to let it go and focus on healthy, productive mindset. I took the attitude today of being calm and looking at things objectively.
I now feel a lot calmer and happier. The anger/mood has left me.
My focus needs to be on regularly thinking about (no, actually internalising) what I am letting go of (entitlement to look at porn) and to concentrate on what I am moving towards (a man of integrity and living a life of health and feeling connected).
I now feel a lot calmer and happier. The anger/mood has left me.
My focus needs to be on regularly thinking about (no, actually internalising) what I am letting go of (entitlement to look at porn) and to concentrate on what I am moving towards (a man of integrity and living a life of health and feeling connected).
Last night I didn't sleep well and felt fantasy trying to creep it's way into my head. I fought with it but mostly refused to fantasize. I recently heard someone say that first you must stop (repeating the action) and then you must stop thinking about it; if you think about it there is a strong possibility of it catching up with you and you allowing to go back to that behaviour.
This has been playing through my head for days and it is actually helping to me get focused and treat this thing with a healthy dose of reality. That said, as expected today the idea/temptation of porn (in this instance, despite to see 'soft' porn and nothing hardcore) is playing with my mind but I am working so hard to stay focused on real priorities and not to get swayed. I must stay strong, and I will.
This has been playing through my head for days and it is actually helping to me get focused and treat this thing with a healthy dose of reality. That said, as expected today the idea/temptation of porn (in this instance, despite to see 'soft' porn and nothing hardcore) is playing with my mind but I am working so hard to stay focused on real priorities and not to get swayed. I must stay strong, and I will.
thanks Toph.
I'm at work (empty office) and I was reading an excellent article on self-esteem (link below; worth a read), which made reference to escaping from reality. In addition I have been thinking about going back to therapy. Suddenly, I typed something in the search engine and opened four tabs in incognito of hot women. Not porn. No nudity (one was close). I felt the start of an erection and my heart beating fast. This lasted a maximum of 45-60 seconds. But it was too long. One second is too long. I do not have room in my life for this anymore. Another few seconds, or practically speaking another couple of tabs and I could have been reviewing porn. Even if it's softcore/porn subs, etc - NO. NO MORE. I WILL NOT DO THIS TO MYSELF, MY WIFE, OUR FUTURE.
Instead, I literally said to myself that I must not do this. I set a timer for 3 minutes and meditated/breathed. I then starting to listen to a video about family and relationships. And I have come here. The moment has passed. It has been and gone.
This is progress because I have let it pass, rather than trying to 'fight it'.
http://www.nathanielbranden.com/what-self-esteem-is-and-is-not
I'm at work (empty office) and I was reading an excellent article on self-esteem (link below; worth a read), which made reference to escaping from reality. In addition I have been thinking about going back to therapy. Suddenly, I typed something in the search engine and opened four tabs in incognito of hot women. Not porn. No nudity (one was close). I felt the start of an erection and my heart beating fast. This lasted a maximum of 45-60 seconds. But it was too long. One second is too long. I do not have room in my life for this anymore. Another few seconds, or practically speaking another couple of tabs and I could have been reviewing porn. Even if it's softcore/porn subs, etc - NO. NO MORE. I WILL NOT DO THIS TO MYSELF, MY WIFE, OUR FUTURE.
Instead, I literally said to myself that I must not do this. I set a timer for 3 minutes and meditated/breathed. I then starting to listen to a video about family and relationships. And I have come here. The moment has passed. It has been and gone.
This is progress because I have let it pass, rather than trying to 'fight it'.
http://www.nathanielbranden.com/what-self-esteem-is-and-is-not
Today marks 30 days. I'm at a hotel on my own and temptation crossed my mind but then I dismissed the idea. However I do need to consciously reject the thought of looking at porn (there is a difference). Also, the fact is that I am still thinking about porn (aka lust / sexual desire etc). So that will of course take a long time, at least 90 days but probably a lot longer. So I must avoid complacency in the coming weeks. Progress but still early days.
Aargh, it's been so difficult today. I'm at the office alone and temptation has been knocking at my door (not literally!). For the first time in a month I have been 'giving in' by browsing, although I have NOT seen any porn or sub-porn per se. Just nonsense. Maybe a couple of model type pictures but nothing inappropriate per se. It's just one of those days when I feel a little insecure about life events so p*** is trying to creep its way back into steeling my life. What a lie! I am trying to focus on rejecting this temptation and be honest and truthful to myself.
Good luck with your own journey.
Good luck with your own journey.
Last night I lapsed after 34 days. It was the end of an exhausting day and I was alone. It was at the point when I should have switched off my electronic devices and meditation; I knew it, but soon ?found myself? browsing for model/lingerie pictures. I was hard and touching myself over my trousers and when I nearly climaxed I switched it off. For a moment I had a reality check, but not sufficient enough to change my behaviour as within a minute I was back online, this time looking at a few porn pictures. I knew it was ?wrong? and despite having awareness throughout of a racing heartbeat I simply carried on.
I have to say, the whole experience was a strange one. The past 34 days had been really good because I knew it would be hard and I managed well to ride the waves on several occasions. I knew I was being tested and I responded with a sense of duty and purpose. It made me feel good about myself and these past few weeks have (generally) been great in terms of my concentration, productivity, happiness and energy levels.
This morning, I tried to make a conscious decision for last night?s lapse not to become a relapse. I cannot afford for it to all-consume my mind, but yet I must learn from it. Despite feeling an incredible rush of anxiety as I ended the porn use and tried to sleep last night, I made a decision this morning to not let that same anxiety creep-in and take over my mind just like porn itself did for 30 minutes or so yesterday.
So how do I feel now? Disappointed ? big time. I?m not angry with myself and not trying to be hard on myself as I knew I was exhausted and alone. But I have massive regret for not committing to my gut instinct which was to meditate (prior to the lapse). For perhaps the first time in circa a month of withdrawal, I was nowhere near ready and prepared to take action (e.g. change environment, mediate or pray, etc) and that is fundamentally the main reason why porn took over. Because it still does have that power over me. I am still an addict (and perhaps will always be one). But as long as I am prepared for it to show its face and subsequently for me to battle any such temptation ? that is when I have a strong chance of winning. And if I can win one battle at a time then my brain will start to re-wire and it will eventually become second nature to me. This is my lesson. It came at a hard-price but if I actually internalise it and stay focused on building upon my overall recent successes, then last night will be a lapse, but not a relapse.
I have to say, the whole experience was a strange one. The past 34 days had been really good because I knew it would be hard and I managed well to ride the waves on several occasions. I knew I was being tested and I responded with a sense of duty and purpose. It made me feel good about myself and these past few weeks have (generally) been great in terms of my concentration, productivity, happiness and energy levels.
This morning, I tried to make a conscious decision for last night?s lapse not to become a relapse. I cannot afford for it to all-consume my mind, but yet I must learn from it. Despite feeling an incredible rush of anxiety as I ended the porn use and tried to sleep last night, I made a decision this morning to not let that same anxiety creep-in and take over my mind just like porn itself did for 30 minutes or so yesterday.
So how do I feel now? Disappointed ? big time. I?m not angry with myself and not trying to be hard on myself as I knew I was exhausted and alone. But I have massive regret for not committing to my gut instinct which was to meditate (prior to the lapse). For perhaps the first time in circa a month of withdrawal, I was nowhere near ready and prepared to take action (e.g. change environment, mediate or pray, etc) and that is fundamentally the main reason why porn took over. Because it still does have that power over me. I am still an addict (and perhaps will always be one). But as long as I am prepared for it to show its face and subsequently for me to battle any such temptation ? that is when I have a strong chance of winning. And if I can win one battle at a time then my brain will start to re-wire and it will eventually become second nature to me. This is my lesson. It came at a hard-price but if I actually internalise it and stay focused on building upon my overall recent successes, then last night will be a lapse, but not a relapse.
Yesterday me mind was plagued with thoughts of porn; every women I saw in the street I imagine things which were inappropriate. This is after 34 days clean and then some sub p/porn images and it has taken over my mind. Its so hard to accept after that feeling of being (psychologically) free from withdrawing and abstaining from porn. It also possessed my dreams at night.
But today is a new day. On route to a work meeting this morning I had to force myself not to chat-up some hot neighbour when walking by; I also saw a smoking hot girl but as we passed each other by on the street (of course she didn't look at me the same way) I told myself not to look back at her; she is a real life fantasy. Fine. So what? I am married and we are expecting a child, so I'm not going to flirt with her and knock-her up. I need to re-learn to reject fantasy. I must not think about sex with other women or any such thought if I am serious about leaving porn related behaviours for once and for all.
But today is a new day. On route to a work meeting this morning I had to force myself not to chat-up some hot neighbour when walking by; I also saw a smoking hot girl but as we passed each other by on the street (of course she didn't look at me the same way) I told myself not to look back at her; she is a real life fantasy. Fine. So what? I am married and we are expecting a child, so I'm not going to flirt with her and knock-her up. I need to re-learn to reject fantasy. I must not think about sex with other women or any such thought if I am serious about leaving porn related behaviours for once and for all.
RealityCheck
Active Member
One day at a time . . .STAY ENGAGED!
L
longtimequitter
Guest
The porn substitutes and mental fantasy are a slippery slide back to PMO for me. I know this but when I do it, I rationalise, that I am not doing anything wrong, and it's too enjoyable to stop. It only brings more suffering though. I suppose we all know this, but convincing ourselves once triggered is the difficult part. I hope you can find a way through this period, 30+ days clean is a big achievement. It is my goal right now, to go 30 days without porn and masturbation. Don't throw it away bro, it's never worth it.
I know to never give up, but it is about reconditioning our thoughts (and subsequently our behaviours) for the moment the triggers fight back, because they will.
The past few days since my PMO (4 days ago) I have definitely lost the 'joy' I had been feeling before acting out; anxiety has returned as well as regular thoughts/fantasies about women.
Need to cleanse my mind and body.
The past few days since my PMO (4 days ago) I have definitely lost the 'joy' I had been feeling before acting out; anxiety has returned as well as regular thoughts/fantasies about women.
Need to cleanse my mind and body.
L
longtimequitter
Guest
It's tough to get started again. I have the same problem, especially after a long streak. I misread the post and didn't realise you had relapsed. All you can do is take it one day at a time and resist those urges to ogle, fantasise or use porn substitutes. We are in the fight together, I am struggling at the same stage. Things will improve.