Orbiters Journal of Recovery

[Orbiter]

DAY 11

Urges are beginning to creep back in and there have been some mild cravings I have managed to control so far. This might potentially be due to the ongoing after effects of a nights sleep lost plus some very strong MDMA on New Years eve. I shall keep up the rest, eat well and keep myself occupied whenever necessary.

I am thinking of bringing occasional MO back in after I have passed the 1 month mark but I haven't decided yet. It would seem no P and occasional MO would be more sustainable in the long run or it might just reactivate the old pathways and lead me straight to a relapse. I don't know.

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 12

Okay so to cut a long story short, I have steered myself away from the brink of relapse TWICE today. I think poor sleep, mindless browsing and some exposure to triggering sexual discussion on Reddit are to blame. Despite the strong, persistent urges, I don't have any libido or response downstairs today which should make it clear to me this is nothing more than withdrawals at work.

I really, really, REALLY do not want to lose my streak at this point as I feel I am finally on a sustainable streak and making progress but the urge is very strong. After the second close call, I put down my phone, made myself a big meal, did chores and did one round of pushups in an attempt to snap myself out of it.

Lessons learnt - Mindless browsing is a no-no. I attempted 'mindful browsing' in another streak earlier that I seemed to recall worked out quite well for me. This means logging onto the internet for a specific purpose that is decided earlier and logging off as soon as it is finished. The next seven or so days will be a difficult period as days 12-19 usually are. I need to be vigilant and making better use of my time to better my life and make habits to curtail the aimless browsing and time-wasting.

Also, having two strong coffees in the morning after a bad nights sleep and before any breakfast was a bad idea. Even mild stimulants I need to be very careful with.

Also no more Reddit at these early stages. It is far too risky.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey man, good job on recognizing the triggers and for the streak.

What I felt helped for me is to immediately do push-ups or squats the second I feel the urge coming. Maybe this, or some similar counter trigger will help you.

I wish you all the best and good luck on day 12-19

 

[Orbiter]

Hey man, good job on recognizing the triggers and for the streak.

What I felt helped for me is to immediately do push-ups or squats the second I feel the urge coming. Maybe this, or some similar counter trigger will help you.

I wish you all the best and good luck on day 12-19

Hey Shade,

Thanks so much for dropping by. Pushups, squats and situps are great when you need that short-term urge kill. I did it myself on that day and have been periodically doing so here and there. I'm trying to make it into a regular or at least sustainable habit.

Great job on your own streak. Glancing at your journal, you seem to be making great progress yourself!

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 16

This is starting to get difficult. Lots of urges and sexualized thoughts that I am trying to control at the moment.

To recap, the urges on day 12 just kept coming back again and again. In the end I 'tested' but did not orgasm. I took it really slow, focusing & being aware of the sensations through my body and what areas felt sensitive and what didn't. Downstairs woke quite slowly but was one hundred percent solid once it was. It was almost tantric and beyond a certain point felt overwhelming, much more powerful than any PMO I have ever had. I did this for awhile and eventually reached a point where I had to make a choice to stop or pass the 'point of no return'. I decided eventually that it was time to stop.

It worked surprisingly well. I felt really great afterwards with no blue balls, mood drop, brain-fog or anything else. I also felt no urges after. On the other hand, it was pretty risky and not something I will attempt again until I have passed my monthly mark.

I have avoided triggers over the last few days by being productive and spending a lot of time doing things outside the house. This has been very positive but I have been staying up and partying too much as a result. I was tempted to peek on my phone last night but thankfully did not. My sense took over in the end but I need to be careful to put myself in positions where I am too tired and short on self control as this is a danger.

Today will be a day of rest and getting up to speed on domestic tasks. I will be vigilant.

 

[Orbiter]

Relapsed in the early hours of Day 17. I was scanning my hard drive to recover some files and a few images and videos resurfaced. After looking through I closed the computer and went outside only to hear my neighbours loudly having sex in the next apartment. I caved in and relapsed for roughly an hour. I will make a secure erase of my hard drive to get rid of any remaining porn tomorrow and endeavor to learn from this lapse.

For now I will sleep on it.

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 2

One more relapse in the early hours of yesterday again but I feel like that's out of my system now and my head is clear. One of the problems leading up to the last relapse was that I had not made the effort to put any positive habits to subsitute the cravings. I staved them off for awhile by going out a lot and keeping busy but when I was too exhausted to continue, all the triggers and no strategies faced me at home. I also wiped the free space on my computer yesterday so hopefully this means no unexpected porn should resurface.

Today I will start working on an exercise for the morning and I will spend the rest of the day with family. Time to get this back on track.

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 3

Exercise went well. I feel much better after despite some soreness from not doing it for two months. I'll take a rest day and get back to it tomorrow.

Mood & energy have been quite low over the last two days but i'm hoping if I keep with abstaining and healthy habits i'll bounce back.

I think one thing I really need to take to heart from this last relapse is I will not suceed unless I am working towards some other form of betterment or self-actualization while doing this. There are simply too many triggers and moments of weakness to be idle and sit around doing the same old waiting for recovery to happen. This needs to be a proactive processs.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Orbiter,

I've been reading your struggles and hats of to you for keeping on going, despite the relapses. I applaud you. For keeping up, for accepting what went wrong and for keeping on analysing. Although it may not seem like you are successful, you actually are for doing all this. Keep on going strong brother, I am rooting for you

 

[Orbiter]

Hey Orbiter,

I've been reading your struggles and hats of to you for keeping on going, despite the relapses. I applaud you. For keeping up, for accepting what went wrong and for keeping on analysing. Although it may not seem like you are successful, you actually are for doing all this. Keep on going strong brother, I am rooting for you

Hi Shade,

Thanks for the encouragement and the positive comments. I try not to dwell too often on how long I have been doing this for, but I do know in the back of my mind it has been almost 8 years of on-and-off reboot attempts. There have been a lot of other life struggles in that time I have had to focus where rebooting wasn't a priority but it has still been a long time, especially to still be at this point. However I must persevere, if for no other reason than I simply have no choice.

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 4

I really want to continue the exercise today but i'm also still quite sore all over from the last session. Perhaps if I stay hydrated, eat well and do some stretches I will feel better.

So far very little to report today other than I feel like I am coming out of my post-relapse slump which is nice. My committment to this has not waned since but I still need to be vigilant, days 4-8 are a danger point for relapses.

 

[Orbiter]

Relapsed just now.

Update to come.

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 0

Relapsed in the early hours of the morning and two more times later that morning. I had come home from a friends birthday far too late after having far too much to drink. I also noticed i've been smoking more this week, perhaps a slow buildup of stress due to the reality of returning to work next week.

I think the solution is to simply make sure I don't put myself in this situation during rebooting process. Excessive drinking has to be controlled and I need to leave social events earlier. Being drunk and home alone at 4am is not a good situation to put myself in and I should know better by now.

Back to square one.

 

[Freddy]

DAY 0

Relapsed in the early hours of the morning and two more times later that morning. I had come home from a friends birthday far too late after having far too much to drink. I also noticed i've been smoking more this week, perhaps a slow buildup of stress due to the reality of returning to work next week.

I think the solution is to simply make sure I don't put myself in this situation during rebooting process. Excessive drinking has to be controlled and I need to leave social events earlier. Being drunk and home alone at 4am is not a good situation to put myself in and I should know better by now.

Back to square one.

Good that you face the truth. I think you might need to rethink your approach somewhat or consider if you are really committed to what you are trying to achieve? I have been in this vicious circle for years and I would not want it for anyone else, that is why I am proposing that you would look at some alternatives.

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 0

Relapsed in the early hours of the morning and two more times later that morning. I had come home from a friends birthday far too late after having far too much to drink. I also noticed i've been smoking more this week, perhaps a slow buildup of stress due to the reality of returning to work next week.

I think the solution is to simply make sure I don't put myself in this situation during rebooting process. Excessive drinking has to be controlled and I need to leave social events earlier. Being drunk and home alone at 4am is not a good situation to put myself in and I should know better by now.

Back to square one.

Good that you face the truth. I think you might need to rethink your approach somewhat or consider if you are really committed to what you are trying to achieve? I have been in this vicious circle for years and I would not want it for anyone else, that is why I am proposing that you would look at some alternatives.

Hey Freddy, thanks for dropping by and for your thoughts.

Committment is a tricky one I admit. I go through phases where I am committed and others where I feel too exhausted and give up for a period until I have sunk low enough to recommit to the process. It can sometimes feel easy to despair of ever being free of this, especially after such a long time of battling it. It's like a sort of limbo state. Giving up is not an option, succeeding often feels impossible. What to do but keep trying and looking for new ways to break through? I am open to alternatives but is there actually one?

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 3 No P - DAY 1 No MO

The last few days have been easy to fill with various things to keep me busy. I've been persuing activities outside the house and spending a lot of time with friends and family. Exercise has been a boost and a big help in getting me back on track. One MO in the morning yesterday with no porn involved which I am not beating myself up over.

Not much else to report...

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 6...to 0

H.A.L.T Check - L & T

Relapsed. Similar situation & reasons to last time though the relapse itself not as severe. Feeling very down tonight but I will sleep on it and regroup tomorrow.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Orbiter, just checking in. I understand about you feeling down. But you are still posting here, and that means you are still fighting! That's what matters.

Could you identify the triggers from last night and the similar time before?? They might help you understand.


Good luck man

 

[Orbiter]

Hi Shade,

Tiredness & fatigue I have realized are a big trigger for me and are something I need to avoid. When I get overly tired I get into a negative and depressed state of mind. Both of the recent relapses have been under these circumstances.

As with last time, thanks for dropping by and for your support.

DAY 2
Been busy with work the last two days. Focusing on my exercise and maintaining a calm, healthy state of mind while doing so and not pushing myself too hard. So far, so good.

 

[Orbiter]

Relapsed on day 6 and MO'd yesterday so I guess that makes it...

H.A.L.T Check - L & T

DAY 2 no PMO - DAY 1 no MO

Similar triggers as last time. I have been very busy the last few days travelling interstate visiting friends and had both a lot to drink as well as very little sleep the whole time. There is a woman I know I also have feelings for who I am somewhat sure does not reciprocate them. I finally admitted to myself this is getting to me more than I thought and contributing to the urge. Also work is stressful.

Relapsing every week is obviously better than every day but this is nowhere near where I want to be. Had some erection difficulties with the MO yesterday as well which is a sign I have lost some of the progress I have made recently.

The next week looks quieter. I need to relax my schedule, regroup with this focus more on myself. I feel like I was so out of it I didn't even realise I was relapsing until half way through.