Journey to a better me

[Jake323]

4/2/17

Another tough day, my mind is starting to mess with me and play tricks on me, that's always the hardest part for me. I've  been really tired and stressed lately, and have also had bad headaches, not sure if it's from no PMO or just stress, but it is tough, I've gotta keep going though, I've come too far to quit now, just gotta live in the moment and realize that the future is happening in my head, not in front of me.

 

[Jake323]

4/3/17

Yet another tough day. It's starting to really get difficult to accept these painful emotions instead of fighting them. For some reason in my class at school we talked about sex, and this instant feeling of shame and depression washed over me, the teacher posted this stat that said something like: most everyone in college has experienced a hook up at one time or another. Instant. Shame. Instant. Depression. Being a virgin, you carry that stuff everywhere you go, it's pretty depressing. It also got me thinking how "pornified" our society is. If most people are just randomly sleeping with some stranger at a party, is that really any different from porn? Obviously it's not all staged and stuff in real life, but it's just fucking some random stranger, and that's it. There's no love or intimacy. You're both just drunk and fucking in the bathroom or whatever. It's pretty difficult to ignore when porn is so mainstream and so accepted, oh well, just gotta focus on me I guess.

 

[DFTS]

Hey, Jake! There's nothing wrong in being a virgin.

I was a party man, I had occasions to stick my stick here and there, but I didn't. (let's ignore the fact of PIED I was experiencing not so long ago, because I wasn't even aware of that back then)
Fucking a stranger was completely wrong for me. In my opinion, if you want to have sex, you have to trust the person that you're having it with.
You shouldn't be ashamed, you just haven't found the right girl yet.

Society is what it is, you don't have to be like the others, it won't make you a better person for sure. Have your own ideals.

Keep it up brother,

DFTS

 

[Jake323]

Hey, Jake! There's nothing wrong in being a virgin.

I was a party man, I had occasions to stick my stick here and there, but I didn't. (let's ignore the fact of PIED I was experiencing not so long ago, because I wasn't even aware of that back then)
Fucking a stranger was completely wrong for me. In my opinion, if you want to have sex, you have to trust the person that you're having it with.
You shouldn't be ashamed, you just haven't found the right girl yet.

Society is what it is, you don't have to be like the others, it won't make you a better person for sure. Have your own ideals.

Keep it up brother,

DFTS

Definitely, easier said than done though haha. Especially now in the days of social media where so many people post pictures of their "amazing" relationships and all the "amazing, incredible" times they have together, that's why I don't really go on facebook or Instagram anymore, I always end up comparing myself to others and making myself miserable and even more lonely and anxious than before.

4/4/17

Pretty decent day I guess, kinda boring, but at least I've been having an easier time being in the moment.

 

[Jake323]

4/5/17

Pretty good day as far as urges go. I'll be starting a new job next week. Hopefully there's some ladies there that I can talk to there  because at my job now, there is no ladies at all, lol.

 

[Jake323]

4/6/17

A decent day I guess. Don't really have any words to describe it other than ordinary. I'm just in my head too much, though. I over complicate and over think things that are irrelevant.

 

[Jake323]

4/7/17

Another day of no PMO, felt really anxious and confused all day, nothing out of the ordinary for me I guess, lol. I'm so indecisive, I can't just make a decision and go with it, there's always an argument between two different sides going on inside my head about the pros and cons of living my life a certain way, and it just causes a lot of anxiety and tension in me. It really sucks. It's just like a broken record playing in your head over and over again when you have ocd and social anxiety. I obsess and worry about every little detail of social situations and the decisions I make in my life. I guess that's not always a bad thing, though. At least I care, at least I want to make a difference in my life and in the world. Nobody I live or work with on a daily basis seems to give a flying rats ass. They just complain and never do anything. They're perfectly happy with living the "American dream". Get married, have kids, work, retire, and die. I don't want that. I want something great. We only get one shot at life, so why the hell waste it? Nothing scares me more than me sitting on my deathbed at 85 years old, regretting things I should have done in life, wishing I could've been something greater than what I was. I want my name to be heard and remembered, I don't want to just be another John Doe that withers away into nothingness after a life of wishing and hoping and never doing. I need to go to bed, lol.

 

[Jake323]

4/8/17

Stayed away from PMO again. That's good, however, I'm really confused lately as to what I think my values in life are at this point, I don't really know what to think or what's truly important to me, it's a difficult question to ask on this journey we call life.

 

[Jake323]

4/9/17

Another day of no PMO. Feel really stressed lately about moving out on my own and finding my way in the world. It can be scary to think about. I'm not a baby anymore, lol.

 

[Jake323]

4/10/17

The stresses of life and the urge to PMO is slowly creeping up on me, just gotta be self aware and avoid any escalating behaviors, as well as staying in the moment, because that's all we ever have.

 

[Jake323]

4/11/17

Can really start to feel the urge creeping in, I'm so stressed too. Ughhhh, this sucks so bad.

 

[DFTS]

Hey, Jake!

Do not stress yourself this much. I have a feeling that a good part of it is created by you, by thinking way too much.

I have moved out of my hometown almost 2 months ago, I am living at my sister's flat at the moment, but I take care of myself on my own. I buy my own food, I cook, basically I am more of a roomie for my sister than a brother.

But next week I'm moving out to my own place. It is not scary for me anymore. I know that living on your own isn't that bad. It will take a lot of your free time for sure, so reboot will be easier.

I have good news for you too. It is only scary in the beginning. After a week or two, you'll see that there was nothing to be afraid of.

Cheers,

DFTS

 

[Jake323]

Hey, Jake!

Do not stress yourself this much. I have a feeling that a good part of it is created by you, by thinking way too much.

I have moved out of my hometown almost 2 months ago, I am living at my sister's flat at the moment, but I take care of myself on my own. I buy my own food, I cook, basically I am more of a roomie for my sister than a brother.

But next week I'm moving out to my own place. It is not scary for me anymore. I know that living on your own isn't that bad. It will take a lot of your free time for sure, so reboot will be easier.

I have good news for you too. It is only scary in the beginning. After a week or two, you'll see that there was nothing to be afraid of.

Cheers,

DFTS

Thanks man. You're right, I'm probably thinking it over too much, but what do I not overthink? Lol. I guess I'll never truly know until the moment comes that I move out....


4/12/17

Felt really down on myself in the middle of the day, but I picked myself back up fairly quickly, and the rest of the day went pretty good.

 

[Jake323]

4/13/17

I can feel the urges starting to creep up on me, just gotta recognize that it's not me, just the craving talking. Anyways, no PMO, so it's a good day in my book.

 

[Jake323]

4/14/17

Last day of my old job, and first day of my new job, and my new job is MUCH better, and no PMO, so it was a good day.

 

[Jake323]

4/15/17

Forgot to update my log yesterday, but the day was tough. A lot of strong urges to PMO, but I recognized it for what it was, an urge, not me, and I ended up being alright, even though it was hard to ignore at times.

 

[Jake323]

4/16/17

Man, the urges are hitting me hard today. Maybe it's because I've been using tinder for the past couple of days and have 0 matches. Depressing, but a reality.

 

[Jake323]

4/17/17

Didn't PMO today, but I had a severe mental breakdown and was panicking all day. All in all, the day was absolute shit. Intense urges to PMO, as well as panic/anxiety thinking about going out and meeting women. Oh well. Can only do my best I guess.....

 

[Jake323]

4/18/17

Better day, not great though. The PMO urges are still strong at times, but I've been doing my best to focus my attention away from the urges, as well as not trying to fight them or get rid of them, but accept them for what they are.

 

[Jake323]

4/19/17

Pretty good day, asked a girl out for coffee at the mall who was working in one of the shops, she said no, but at least I faced my fear.