Mediadude20
Member
Hi All,
I had initially posted a brief message without first reading the "Before You Post" topic. (My bad.)
I'm 34, and this is day 22 of my PMO reboot.
Here is my story...
I had a fairly standard upbringing without any real trauma or tragedy or abuse growing up. I am the youngest of 4 kids so I guess you could say I was probably even sheltered a bit growing up.
Although I mention I had no 'trauma' in my life, I was quite sick as a child. I suffered mild epilepsy at the age of 4-5, which thankfully did not return. Then, as a teenager I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease (an Inflammatory Bowel Disease). This definitely had an affect on my development in many ways.
My growth was stunted and puberty was delayed meaning I was the smallest in my class and quite timid/shy as a result. Despite this, I never really had any problems making friends. I had and still have some really great friends. However, during my teens, my sickness deprived me of alot of social interaction. On days when I was very ill, I would stay in the house playing video games or lying on the couch while my friends played outside in the neighbourhood. Sometimes I would go out and join them when I was well enough to do so, and they liked when I did.
Around that time is when I discovered masturbation, which quickly became my best friend. An escape from the pain as I see it now, but at the time it was just an exciting new hobby. Starting with pictures of lingerie models, and then MTV music videos, and so on.
To be completely honest, sometimes when my friends would call to the door for me, I would use my sickness as an excuse (even on days when I was well enough) just so I could stay indoors and masturbate, rather than go outside and play football with my friends.
Fast-forward a few years and my family gets Broadband Internet in the house, I move the family computer into my bedroom (convincing my parents that it would help my studies in school!). In fairness, my parents didn't really know any better. I was very good at covering up and hiding my new-found hobby, which later became my addiction.
With the affect my illness had on my physical health as well as my social skills, coupled with the availability of Porn at my fingertips, I never really had to worry about talking to girls and getting a girlfriend. I had my porn in my bedroom. And so, I never really ever had a girlfriend and any high-school sweetheart. Sure I had a number of crushes, but no young love-life to speak of. That hurts to write actually.
Throughout my 20s my addiction obviously progressed as the porn I was watching became more and more hard-core. While searching for more shocking scenes to give my brain more of a dopamine hit, I eventually dabbled in tranny porn(in more recent years). To this day I can't believe how this even happened because I'm not even gay. I have no same-sex attraction at all. It was completely porn-induced (I've heard other men have had similar issues). This is a source of great embarrassment for me to talk about and is difficult to share. But if I can't be real & honest here then where can I be.
In addition to my porn addiction, my curiosity & lust for women lead me to visiting lap-dancing clubs on my own, wasting lots of money and increasing my shame and loneliness. I also went as far as browsing escort agencies and meeting with a number of escorts, (although that hasn't happen for over a year now). Oddly enough, I never had sex with any of the escorts, just received hand-jobs and sometimes even just wanted to lie next to them.
I know I have fallen into a deep trap and did things I never thought I would do in a million years, but this is my story and there's no running away from it anymore. I have to own it.
With the help of a very good counselor, I haven't visited an escort agency for over a year. But porn still continues to be a problem.
My dating life usually involves Tinder. I have been on a lot of dates but I have never really had anything longer than 3 or 4 dates with a girl. I'm still a virgin but I have had offers of sex on dates. I turned them all down as I just felt that I wasn't ready. Too much shame in my head I think.
Also, just to wrap up this post.... I have PIED. So, it's the end of the road for this addiction. Time to fight back.
Thanks for listening,
Vulnerably yours...
I had initially posted a brief message without first reading the "Before You Post" topic. (My bad.)
I'm 34, and this is day 22 of my PMO reboot.
Here is my story...
I had a fairly standard upbringing without any real trauma or tragedy or abuse growing up. I am the youngest of 4 kids so I guess you could say I was probably even sheltered a bit growing up.
Although I mention I had no 'trauma' in my life, I was quite sick as a child. I suffered mild epilepsy at the age of 4-5, which thankfully did not return. Then, as a teenager I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease (an Inflammatory Bowel Disease). This definitely had an affect on my development in many ways.
My growth was stunted and puberty was delayed meaning I was the smallest in my class and quite timid/shy as a result. Despite this, I never really had any problems making friends. I had and still have some really great friends. However, during my teens, my sickness deprived me of alot of social interaction. On days when I was very ill, I would stay in the house playing video games or lying on the couch while my friends played outside in the neighbourhood. Sometimes I would go out and join them when I was well enough to do so, and they liked when I did.
Around that time is when I discovered masturbation, which quickly became my best friend. An escape from the pain as I see it now, but at the time it was just an exciting new hobby. Starting with pictures of lingerie models, and then MTV music videos, and so on.
To be completely honest, sometimes when my friends would call to the door for me, I would use my sickness as an excuse (even on days when I was well enough) just so I could stay indoors and masturbate, rather than go outside and play football with my friends.
Fast-forward a few years and my family gets Broadband Internet in the house, I move the family computer into my bedroom (convincing my parents that it would help my studies in school!). In fairness, my parents didn't really know any better. I was very good at covering up and hiding my new-found hobby, which later became my addiction.
With the affect my illness had on my physical health as well as my social skills, coupled with the availability of Porn at my fingertips, I never really had to worry about talking to girls and getting a girlfriend. I had my porn in my bedroom. And so, I never really ever had a girlfriend and any high-school sweetheart. Sure I had a number of crushes, but no young love-life to speak of. That hurts to write actually.
Throughout my 20s my addiction obviously progressed as the porn I was watching became more and more hard-core. While searching for more shocking scenes to give my brain more of a dopamine hit, I eventually dabbled in tranny porn(in more recent years). To this day I can't believe how this even happened because I'm not even gay. I have no same-sex attraction at all. It was completely porn-induced (I've heard other men have had similar issues). This is a source of great embarrassment for me to talk about and is difficult to share. But if I can't be real & honest here then where can I be.
In addition to my porn addiction, my curiosity & lust for women lead me to visiting lap-dancing clubs on my own, wasting lots of money and increasing my shame and loneliness. I also went as far as browsing escort agencies and meeting with a number of escorts, (although that hasn't happen for over a year now). Oddly enough, I never had sex with any of the escorts, just received hand-jobs and sometimes even just wanted to lie next to them.
I know I have fallen into a deep trap and did things I never thought I would do in a million years, but this is my story and there's no running away from it anymore. I have to own it.
With the help of a very good counselor, I haven't visited an escort agency for over a year. But porn still continues to be a problem.
My dating life usually involves Tinder. I have been on a lot of dates but I have never really had anything longer than 3 or 4 dates with a girl. I'm still a virgin but I have had offers of sex on dates. I turned them all down as I just felt that I wasn't ready. Too much shame in my head I think.
Also, just to wrap up this post.... I have PIED. So, it's the end of the road for this addiction. Time to fight back.
Thanks for listening,
Vulnerably yours...