Back in the fight

js2004

js2004

Active Member
Happy BDay - There is nothing wrong with backing off tinder few a little bit.  Especially if it's putting you in the P&M fog.  I'm certain your next date and eventual girlfriend would want you porn free so relax for a little.  When you're ready you will meet her and not a minute before.
 
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DesperateToHeal

Member
Belated Happy Birthday man! You're kicking ass so keep up the good work. As for Tinder, I know what you mean, I felt it derailed me from the progress I was making so I deleted it. And if I ever want to use it again then all I have to do is download it....so if you're not feeling it right now man then toss it away for the time being. You're doing great!!
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
Just started reading your thread...I'll plan to follow and encourage you in the fight. happy birthday...great way to start year #35!
 
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Mediadude20

Member
Day "0" .... I know... I fell, I went quiet and didn't want to come back here. I'm feeling inadequate and feeling like I disappointed some friends here with whom I started to share my journey with. I'm sorry I let you guys down. Shame & guilt and inadequacy have been the order of the day for me for the past 12 days but I think I will leave those dark passengers at the door right about now. They don't belong in a reboot. So here goes my 2nd reboot on this community.


What I learned leading up to my fall:

  • Pride came before the fall:
    I made it to 42 days last time and I remember getting obsessed about the number. Each day when the number would increase, so would my ego. I know it's ok to feel good about your progress, but I lost myself a little bit, I started to feel invisible, "I got this" I would think to myself. I was also thinking that it would be impossible for me to go back to porn. The ambitious feeling had good intentions, but I lost sight of the reality of this struggle.

  • Not enough lifestyle change:
    I had some good intentions about picking up & learning a new musical instrument, joining some group class lessons. I also thought about taking a course on photography or something. And I had intended on getting involved in social meetup events in order to meet some new real people and improve my social skills. NONE of this was carried out.
  • Taking shortcuts:
    As I mentioned in previous posts, I was still using dating apps on my phone during my reboot. I can see now that this was a bad idea, and I was foolish for not seeing the trap that sexual intrigue can hook you in with. Dating apps do not work during a reboot. For me anyway. Lesson learned. I was also texting girls in my phonebook purely just to get a flirting high from them. This served as a massive distraction from my goal.
  • Alcohol intake:
    During a few local drinks with a buddy of mine, I had a few too many. On this night, I drunk texted some girls with the intention of setting up a sexual encounter, purely just to get my selfish needs met. When the encounter actually happened 2 days later, it was unhealthy (in hindsight) and very unfulfilling, and lead to alot of "chaser effect" urges over the following week.
  • I wanted to jump back into porn:
    I know how this sounds, and I'm probably being too harsh on myself here with this point, but after all of the above conditions were met, this is how I felt and it's important to note it down. If you give your brain an invitation back onto the old neural pathway of porn use, it makes you really want it. It makes you feel like a different person, a screwed up person. But, remembering what I've learned from the brain science helps me here. It's all the dopamine, the delta-fosB chemicals and the old pathways that I have engaged and let back in. When they flood back in, you are buried neck deep in the quick sand of PMO fog in no time at all.


So this is what I have learned from falling. I made it 42 days PMO-free. I acted out/binged for approx. 12 days (not every single day within that period but most days).... But now I'm back to reboot again.

I have a question, Do you guys think I should start an entirely new Thread for a new reboot? Or just keep my whole story within this thread? I can't help but think that I have tarnished this thread with a fall. I wanted it to be perfect, and a story of hope for myself and others. What do you think?

Vulnerably yours again...
 
js2004

js2004

Active Member
Don't start a new thread. Your question made me think of a the famous quote from Thomas Edison when asked about how many failures he had trying to make the light bulb, "I didn't fail, I just found 1000 ways not to make a lightbulb."  This journal is you and now you listed some ways to not be free of PMO. Remember them, learn from them and more forward. My two cents
 
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Mediadude20

Member
Thanks @js2004 for your words.

This is Day 3...

I'm feeling pretty ok. I'm having the usually urges and struggles that are normal at the early stages of a reboot. It's like starting again. I have deleted all dating website profiles & apps from my phone.
I'm also getting over a bad chest infection at the moment. I was out sick from work for 3 days and only went back to work yesterday. I'll rest this weekend until my chest fully clears up. Feeling a little flat mood-wise.

Not much else to say right now. Thanks for listening.
 
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DesperateToHeal

Member
I completely second JS man; starting a new journal is not only dishonest to yourself but also dishonest to others. People who read your journal need to know that this isn't some linear path to success and that to reach your goal (which I have no doubt you will regardless of how many times it takes) you fell a couple of times. Otherwise when they fall, they'll believe they're weak and not just going through the same experiences that every single one of us go through. And like JS said; by documenting and recording the activities or lack there of that led to your relapse you've made yourself and everyone who reads your journal that much more aware of how they can achieve a successful reboot. I personally feel from reading your journal that we share a very similar mentality and it may seem strange but reading the details of your relapse gave me great comfort that each and every one of us are not alone but going through the same hell together. Your story is already an inspiration man because you've dusted yourself and started again. We fall so we can learn to pick ourselves up again (sorry Batman for stealing that)!!
 
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Mediadude20

Member
Thanks DTH, really appreciate your words. They mean alot.

Well I've failed numerous times over the last few days but I've had enough of porn. I'm sick & tired of the whole mindset it sinks me into.

I'm back now to give this a proper shot again! I remember when I began this thread I was already on day 22 of the that reboot. I had such momentum and ease. I felt invisible and got as far as 42 days that time. Even 22 days from where I'm standing now seems so far off and so up hill. But I know that's just a perspective thing, a mindset thing. Need to push through the fog.

Life was suppose to be lived away from porn. I must remember that. I think I will go back and re-watch all those porn addiction science videos again. That really gave me the boost I needed at the very beginning. Time to refresh my memory of the importance of getting away from porn.

Wish me luck.

 
R

RealityCheck

Active Member
I'm just now reading your posts, and I appreciate your openness and honesty.  There's nothing to be ashamed of, as it takes courage to acknowledge a problem, and this is a safe space for which you can do so.

A lot of my posts and advice have a theme - practical strategies to help you push through.  The issue with group classes and going to the gym (etc) as an escape from PMO is that they only occur at certain times.  Now, I literally go to the gym everyday, so I'm not saying I'm against the gym.  But here is the reality: it probably doesn't take longer than 1 minute for you to regress at any point.  Relatively quickly you can open up your computer to whatever videos you find most fulfilling, whip it out, and start masturbating.  60 seconds.  Which means out of the day, if you are awake for 16 hours X 60 minutes/hour  = 960. 

In other words, there are 960 vulnerabilities for you to relapse every day.  So sure, a hobby or two can take care of 120 or so of those minutes, but what about the rest?  I think the solution is the mindset you have to be in.  I have found that planning out my entire day is very beneficial.  I always know what task I should be working on, or person I should be talking to.  And if something interrupts me while I am performing a task, that's fine, because my mind remains ENGAGED.  I think the quickest way to relapse is to find yourself bored.

Keep it up, I look forward to hearing more about your progress.
 
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humaninprogress

Member
Hey there, Mediadude. Just stumbled on your thread. Your reboot journey reminds me of my own in many respects.

I know what you mean about the first time having so much momentum and ease. Maybe you aren't feeling that way right now, but I assure you your 42 days of sobriety aren't lost. Maybe your reboot isn't a continuous upward linear trajectory. Doesn't matter. What matters is trying to get back in the saddle.

I've fallen my fair share on this journey, but I always get back up. And you know what? After several years I can easily go really long stretches without porn. That said, I've learned my triggers -- and yes, dating apps, shows with nudity (i.e. Game of Thrones), social media, and Google image search are typically the beginning of the end for me, too.

The struggle is worth it. Every time you piece a stretch of sobriety together you'll learn something. One day you'll look back and see that a non-linear journey taught you more than getting it right your first shot ever could have.

Stay strong,
HiP
 
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DesperateToHeal

Member
Couldn't have said it better than that post right above. Good luck in this current reboot MD and remember the most important thing above all is to enjoy life and not to stress too much about the little upsets and downfalls. Everything will be good man!
 
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Mediadude20

Member
Day 2... Still good.

Guys, thank you to all of the above comments. They really meant alot and felt like a pat on the back. This is just a drop-by check-in. But I will reply again hopefully later today with more details/thoughts/feelings.

I'm facing the usual battles that come early on in a reboot, ie. looking at girls on the street, lustful thinking, strong urges, etc. Just gotta ride it out.

#cantwaitfortheflatline!
 
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Mediadude20

Member
Fail... :( I fell last night... was up til 3 am drenched in porn. I don't know how this one happened. Well I do really. This reboot is turning out to be a disaster. I'm caught in a churning rapid and keep getting pulled under. I'm praying for the peace & strength I had before. I just don't seem to have strength right now.
 
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Mediadude20

Member
Well... I'm back again, and motivated. But I've alot of work to do.

This is just an initial post to state my intention of Rebooting again. Hopefully with some fresh insight and some lessons learned.

A welcome back would feel good and definitely help me back into the community.

Please feel free to read my story from the very beginning. It's all there.

Thanks guys... Day 4.
 
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Mediadude20

Member
Day 7! No PMO.

Thanks guys, really appreciate the welcome back. I'm feeling encouraged, but also with a healthy level of caution because I know this addiction all too well.

The past week has been good, I've had some minor urges and cravings but I'm bouncing my eyes from attractive females at work and in the street and staying focused on my goals.
I'm reading motivating material everyday and meditating.
I've plans to learn an instrument but need to save up some cash for it.

Trying to focus on improving myself as a person overall, rather than just 'resisting'.

Any other tips please feel free to drop them on me!
 
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Mediadude20

Member
Day 8 Still PMO free. Feeling thankful.

After a tiring day at work yesterday, I have today off. I got some much needed rest which was nice.

Took a cold shower which really helped to elevate my mood and kick start my day.

I've been using today as a "getting things done day".... House work, tidying, organising my home office desk, running errands, etc.

Did some light exercises at home.

Overall a pretty good day.

Urges: Mild
Mood: Very good
Motivation: Very good
 
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Mediadude20

Member
Day 9

Had some mild urges last night while Keeping up with the Kardasians was on tv in the background. So ridiculous! I don't even like the Kardasians, but all that hair & make-up is sometimes a trigger. Anyway, that faded and I was ok.

Today I went on a 1st date with a girl from a dating app. She was the last person I had connected with before I deleted all my dating apps. I had her number & we were texting, and decided to meet.
The date went quite well to be honest. Nice decent girl and good conversation happened. No alcohol involved either which was nice.

About halfway through the date I got a sudden hit of urges. To be honest it came out of nowhere. Like a rush of excitement. A weird little high. And my brain just said "Yes we're gonna do porn tonight". And I had a happy rush of something to look forward to. Then I realised and came to my senses said to myself "No. Hang on a second. We don't do that anymore remember? Not today. No." And this was all while trying to listen to what my date was saying to me. My concentration levels were jacked up! Anyway, thankfully the feeling passed and I forgot about it and was back in the moment with my date.

Right now I'm at home about to goto bed and I'm happy to be able to say I didn't act out and PMO. The urge came & went. Another 24 hours PMO free!
 
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