I thought I'd post today as I relapsed a couple of days back. I'm posting more for myself as I need to get down in writing where I'm at at the moment with regards to my recovery. Hopefully some of this will also help others struggling with this insidious and powerful addiction.
Progress Since September 2018
Since last September I have PMO'd twice, this happening a couple of days ago. This is a far cry from where I was a year ago when the longest clean streak I could manage was 4 weeks. Having a girlfriend has helped me with my recovery. I am madly in love with her and using porn feels like betrayal me.
However, this hasn't stopped me on occasions when she's been away for weekends etc. Since last September I have used porn 6 times. On 4 of those times I simply looked. On 1 of those times I looked and edged. On the 6th time (two days ago) I had a full blown relapse and masturbated twice.
What have I Learnt From This?
1.The natural tendency of my addiction is to a full blown PMO session. On the occasions when I have simply looked at porn, it has been a real struggle to tear myself away from it and switch off my computer. I look for hours, usually early into the morning and use energy drinks and cigarettes to spike the dopamine. On the last two times I even used Amyl Nitrate to get a bigger buzz. Yeah, I'm a complete junky when it comes to this online filth.
2. Even looking messes with my ability to get erections and worst of all, it fucks my mind up for several days after. The addiction takes over for a few days (even after just looking) and I become obsessed with using/not using which impacts my ability to be in the moment and get on with my day.
3. Each time my girlfriend has gone away, a few weeks/days beforehand the addictive voice in my head awakens and I start planning to use. Cravings to use increase and porn images start flashing into my mind. This causes extreme conflict within my psyche. One half of me want to stay clean whilst the other half wants to use porn and go all out, like I used to. This dichotomy leaves me feeling quite moody and depressed.
4. I need to totally disregard what my addictive mind is telling me and not feed it once it starts. By feeding it I mean having euphoric recall of times I've used porn in the past and buying into the illusion that it is going to be good.
5. Looking at pictures of sexy girls on Instagram is a pathway to a relapse.
6. I am infinitely happier when I'm not using. I'm productive, my mind is so much sharper, my confidence returns, I look after my health and see a bright future.
7. When I use, the darkness returns and I lose the will to do all the things I need to be doing. I also experience mood swings for several weeks after. The moodiness dissipates when I get a long clean streak.
How Do I Feel Today
I'm left with the feeling that I didn't need to relapse. Why, why why!? I've wasted money, time and my mental and physical health for nothing.
My relapses begin with a thought. It may be a euphoric recall (but porn has always been hell!) or thinking I want to be having sex with loads of women (I have never been a stud/lothario and I am happy in my relationship) or entertaining the idea of a future relapse when I'm not with my girlfriend.
This addiction is subtle and my addictive mind is cunning. I have to be evermore vigilant of the very thoughts in my mind and when I have thoughts to use, focus on my goals instead.
Although they don't give me the quick fix dopamine spike that porn does, in the long term my goals and work towards my life vision, will enable me to finally break my addictive prison and push me to be the best man I can possibly be.
I hope this has helped others on this site. One thing my experiences with this addiction have taught me is that recovery may not be a straight line. There may be relapses along the way. But treat each relapse as a lesson and try and learn from it rather that beat yourself up (or off!) over it.
