One Vision

[camus]

I've been feeling a bit down this evening over past relationships that I've screwed up. I can't believe I ever thought I could be in a relationship and have a serious porn addiction. No wonder they didn't work out!

I've had very minor pulls to PMOing tonight but nothing serious. I am pretty tired from the working week so am going to get an early night. It's sleep I need, not porn. Sometimes I compensate what I truly need ie food, sleep, exercise etc for PMO.

If I don't use today, I will have a life tomorrow.

 

[TakeActionNow]

dont look back my friend
the past is over, never to return
instead put all your attention to the here and now.
we might be dead the day after, so make the most of today, and do a little planning for tomorrow

that way you'd feel good about yourself today having done something, and have another thing nice to look forward to tomorrow.

Isnt life better this way ?

 

[camus]

Yes it certainly is TakeActionNow. Thanks for your words of advice. I appreciate your input.

Well it's the weekend and this is always a testing time for me. I think I'm in a dangerous place at the moment. My mood has spiralled downwards throughout the day and just feel down although I'm not quite sure why.

I have been minimising the effect porn has had on my life. I think I'm actually finally waking up to how much of a destructive force it has been.

For example, for the last two years I've been trying to escape this rut I find myself it. On the surface, I am actually doing alright. 10 years ago I was drinking myself to death. I was living in a room, getting arrested frequently for being drunk and disorderly and on the verge of losing my job.

Now 10 years on, I have a nice flat, a job that pays me well and friends that actually want to know me. But I feel like I am living a lie. People who know me, think I'm doing OK. If only they really knew what was going on.

In reality I am a porn addict, who spends most weekends indulging in activities that I feel ashamed of. On Monday mornings I can barely look anybody in the eye, although I have learnt to act as if nothing is going on. Being an addict has given me some great acting skills.

Beating this addiction has to be my number 1 priority. Posting here is not going to be enough for this addict. In many ways, this addiction is tougher to overcome than my alcoholism was, as it links right to the drive for sex, which is natural.

Man, even as I write this I feel the pull to PMO. Unbelievable! My mind is saying:

1) Go on - just ONE more time
2) You have the weekend to recover from a binge
3) You'll be able to escape for a few hours - go on you deserve a release
4) It doesn't matter if I make my PIED worse as I don't have a girlfriend anyway
5) Real relationships are too difficult - porn is easy

Chatter, chatter, chatter.

I will NOT succumb this time. Enough is fuc*ing enough!

Wow...feels so much better to get all this down. There is no easy way out of this but through total abstinence. I used porn for the last time last weekend. I'm done. I surrender. I know that I can't do it anymore. I KNOW that I won't do it anymore.

If I don't use today, I can live tomorrow.

 

[camus]

When I was aimlessly browsing the internet last night (a dangerous thing for a porn addict to do!) I decided to look up a 'skype escort'. I searched for her, found her, then immediately shut skype down.

Just seeing her image in Skype gave me a small rush and it affected me the rest of the night ie increased my cravings to PMO.

What does this tell me:

1. I can't afford to be aimlessly surfing the internet at this stage
2. My brain is hypersensitive. I only saw a thumbnail image of this model's face for 2-3 seconds and this was enough to wake up the porn beast within
3. There is an automatic element working here where one part of my brain is saying, this is not a good idea, and another part is overriding this good advice - the rational part of the brain vs the reward system? It's as if my actions contradict my higher self.

Anyway, I survived. I have woken up today clean and sober and have an even better understanding of how powerful my addiction really is.

If I don't use today, I can live tomorrow.

 

[camus]

I had a couple of urges to PMO today. One was because it is the weekend. My brain figures that because I don't have work tomorrow, I can indulge. The second was when I was talking to a woman I quite fancy. Isn't it strange that instead of asking her out on a date, I start thinking about using porn. This addiction has totally warped my mind!

All in all, I am feeling a whole lot better today. The main thing I have noticed is that some of the brain fog is beginning to disappear and I don't feel so negative.

I have spent a lot of time today, coming up with a plan for the remainder of this year. I figure why wait till the New Year to make resolutuions when you can make them now.

I have two main goals I want to achieve by the end of the year and have a clear idea of what I need to be doing each day in order to get there. I have been a bit obsessive in the detail, even planning when I need to be in bed and get up. I have basically worked out all the spare time I have each day and divided it amongst actions I need to take for recovery, health, relaxation and finances/business.

I need to be this organised otherwise I just cruise around aimlessly then relapse because I find life meaningless.

There are other areas of my life that I need to work on such as relationships and contribution to the world, but for now I need to keep things simple. I need to take baby steps, before I can walk, before I can run etc. But as long as I am progressing a little each day in the right direction, I will get to where I want to be.

If I don't use today, I will have a life tomorrow.

 

[camus]

I'm exactly 1 week clean today. I have been here before, but I have never taken my recovery so seriously. I attended two online PAA meetings today.

I am happy to have found a place where I can share verbally and listen to others. It makes my addiction/recovery seem more real when i announce that I'm a porn addict.

Believe it or not, there's actually a part of me that thinks I'm over porn - just a week from a relapse. It is this denial that I keep needing to challenge. Other wise I will continue to remain in the relapse cycle.

If I don't use today, tomorrow I will have a life.

 

[camus]

I am pretty tired but want to check in before bed.

This has been the first day of me actually sticking to a schedule and I've managed to do everything I planned.

I'm feeling pleased with myself. I am on Day 8 and my brain feels like its returning to normal. I have also given up smoking, so am 1 day off nicotine too.

If I don't use today, I will have a life tomorrow.

 

[camus]

I've woken up and feeling slightly irritable. I am having imaginary arguments with various people in my head. Thankfully I realise how insane this is!

If I don't use today, I will have a life tomorrow.

 

[camus]

I'm 10 days into this reboot and I am noticing that a slight mourning for PMO has entered my mind. It is so subtle that I wouln't normally notice it. But I'm aware of my need to be extra vigilant this time.

It's like my brain is viewing a PMO session through rose tinted glasses.

I need to get honest here. There is a certain aspect of my porn addiction that I find comforting. It's an escape from the world, like going on a drink and drugs binge. I like that. I like escape from the world/reality.

Maybe I need to explore this further. Why do I like escaping and how can I find more constructive ways to escape, that I may actually enjoy.

Anyway, I don't feel in danger of actual relapse and I feel in a pretty good space otherwise. It's just that I am beginning to realise how cunning, baffling and powerful this addiction is.

If I don't use today, I will have a life tomorrow.

 

[camus]

I'm feeling pretty centred today. At just 11 days off PMO, my thinking is a whole lot clearer and my confidence is returning. It strikes me that PIED is one of countless negative consequences of excessive porn use.

For me other unwanted effects from my porn use include:

1. Lack of career progression
2. Loss in earning potential
3. Failed relationships
4. Loss of friendships
5. Having addictions in other areas eg smoking, eating too much junk, YouTube bingeing

As I mentioned in my previous post, the only illusory 'benefit' I obtain from PMO is escape. But whatever I am escaping from, I have to return and face, hours, days, weeks later. Because someday or other I will have to face my problems.

I haven't had any real tests since my relapse. I am actually terrified of using again as I can't go through the withdrawal and deal with endless days of mood swings and inability to focus.

So I guess there is only one solution to that

If I don't use today, I will have a life tomorrow.

 

[TrueMe]

As I mentioned in my previous post, the only illusory 'benefit' I obtain from PMO is escape. But whatever I am escaping from, I have to return and face, hours, days, weeks later. Because someday or other I will have to face my problems.

So true. Can relate to everything you listed there. Congrats on your continued progress Camus and here's to building a better list now we're off the PMO hamster wheel.

TrueMe

 

[camus]

I relapsed yet again. I was resisting coming back here and posting as I feel pretty stupid at the moment.

Today I just feel so angry with myself for being so weak. I keep asking why, why, why and there is no reason and there is no excuse.

How bad does it have to get before I stop for good?

One thing though, I will never give up on myself and my dreams so I need to get back on the path NOW.

 

[57yrold]

I relapsed yet again. I was resisting coming back here and posting as I feel pretty stupid at the moment.

Today I just feel so angry with myself for being so weak. I keep asking why, why, why and there is no reason and there is no excuse.

How bad does it have to get before I stop for good?

One thing though, I will never give up on myself and my dreams so I need to get back on the path NOW.

First thing:  Don't beat yourself up.  This shit is really difficult.  And I don't think that when you relapse, you erase all your progress and start back at zero.  You've got some PMO-Free days there.  Focus on those, and the progress you made there.

Next:  Learn from what happened.  What triggered you?  What are you going to do differently next time that trigger comes up?  Meditate?  Exercise?  Walk in nature?  Cold shower?

And finally (and I'm not real good at this) try not to focus on the short term.  Your reboot may take a long time, and you may go through some rough shit.  Flatlines are terrible.  I was too depressed to get out of bed some days.

Focus on filling the void.  You've probably got lots of time on your hands now that your not PMO-ing all the time.  What are you going to do with that time?  Take up a new hobby?  Learn a new instrument?  Work out like a madman?

I'm not sure how I did this, but I just know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I'm never going to look at porn again.  It's totally out of my life forever.  I'm not on a 90 day reboot from porn.  I'm on a rest_of_my_life reboot from porn.

I'm also going No M and No O.  My wife and I fool around, and I make her O, but neither one of us touches my penis.  Hands off.

GOOD LUCK!  It's fantastic that you're here getting support, knowledge and suggestions.  Take 'em all with a grain of salt and find what works for you.

You seem like you've got the determination, and you've got the curiosity to learn, you just need to get rid of some old habits and take on some new, healthier habits.

I know you can do it.  NO PMO!!

 

[TakeActionNow]

Camus,

life and emotions are not a straight line. there will be ups and downs.

1. take your lesson and learn from it.
being hard on yourself does no good. learn from it

2. true recovery is not about abstaining from your addictions
its about understanding yourself and what drove you to addiction in the first case
it is about understanding how others achieve success, so that you can too

I'm logging all my thoughts here now.
many are not directly related to pmo, but to thoughts, behavior and action
i am hoping it can be helpful to others

 

[camus]

Thanks TakeActionNow & 57YrOld.

Wise words and suggestions. I'm trying to get back on the path and learn from this relapse. My main trigger for me is stress, particularly when socialising.

I have been practicing acceptance around my imperfect life. Yesterday, I was cursing myself for having relapsed again, which was driving me down a dark hole of depression.

Today I need to accept my life exactly the way it is, despite this addiction. I'm on a journey of healing, and things will gradually get better as long as I remain clean and sober.

I DON'T USE PORN. PORN USES ME.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Camus,
I've been on that same path as you have.
With clean living comes inner strength.
I've come to accept and ignore to past, and focus on living for the here and now.
When we take care of the now, the future will take care of itself, and the past is no longer relevant.
Today and tomorrow is really better when we have finally reconnected with ourselves.

 

[camus]

Thank you TakeActionNow. Living in the Now is so important isn't it? It is where I can experience true serenity. The only problems I think I have are generally mind made and come from past regrets or future worries. Both of which are illusions.

I've had a pretty good day all in all and am porn free which is the main thing. Experienced waves of anger earlier over silly things. I have also experienced moments of calm and happiness. I have acceptance today, of the many colours my mood has. It is all part of the human experience.

I DON'T USE PORN. PORN USES ME.

 

[camus]

My head has been in a really weird space the last few days. Felt utterly depressed at the back end of last week, like I just gave up on myself and didn't care about anything.

I think I have ground myself down with endless relapsing. I have got to a kind of rock bottom where I think that using porn has more benefit that not using it, because at least it will give me an hour's release from misery.

Well that was how I felt last week - totally nihilistic, bordering on suicidal.

Today I don't feel too bad!

Reading these last few posts, I must appear insane. Going from happy to suicidal in a matter of days. If I continue to f&ck with my brain's reward system, this kind of thing will happen.

I need more than anything, to restore balance to my life.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Camus,
I want to tell you that you are not alone.
I was in the same place as you were.
Things are much clearer and better now.
There is hope and life will be vastly better !
If you need someone to talk to, please reach out.
I'm here if you need.

 

[Whynot]

Take it one day at a time. Set small goals and reach them, then set larger goals and reach them. You can do this, at least you are here and trying to fix this problem. We can do this!!  And we will do this!