One Vision

[camus]

Thanks for your support guys.

I managed to get a long streak (3 month approx April - July) earlier this year before relapsing. Since this relapse it has been difficult to get back on track. What I do know is that my life is so much better when I'm clean - calmer, happier, healthier etc etc. To be honest, I can't see any advantage to using porn. It is a waste of life.

During the past 2 months, the obsession to use/not use has been overwhelming at times. What I have learnt is that at some point prior to relapse, I internally give up trying to fight thoughts of using, and instead start planning a relapse (for example when I get a free weekend alone).

This addiction is. for me, the battleground of a spiritual war. Not in a sense that porn is a sin or I am bad in any way. For me spirituality is that which is not of the mind. That place where I am fully in the present moment is a position of strength from which I can beat this addiction, because being present means I am not caught up in my mind's thoughts and therefore not vulnerable to my addictive thought process.

I have consciously chosen to be present in the midst of bad cravings and the cravings subside. Trouble is, I then allow my mind to go back to porn thoughts, which can give me enough of a spike in dopamine, to set of a severe bout of cravings.

In some ways, my addiction is a gift. It is teaching me the value of having a disciplined mind.

 

[camus]

Maybe I need to question myself; 'why is it so hard to not do it?'

When I ask myself that question I am pointed in the direction of my thinking. My thinking leads me to using.

Who is is control of my thinking. Well me of course. I may not be able to control the first thought, but I can control the others...if I want to.

The wrong thinking leads to using.

 

[Iloveicecream]

Camus,

you said there are no Advantages to using porn. But actually there are. We do not Need to spend Energy thinking About romance, courtship etc......so we should not say we hate porn....hate and love are Always very close......the best is to not care About porn anymore and instead realize for our nice life we Need to get our asses up and get shit done instead of wanking in front of a pc.....easier said than done obviously....but the fact that you have been here so Long is really excellent and three months without pmo is perfect...you should be proud of yourself...WELL DONE MAN

 

[Lero]

We might not be able to control thinking about porn or seeing porn flashbacks and images, but we sure have control over whether to start searching for porn or not. One thing I've learned in those 40 days without porn: Contrary to what our addiction tells us (sure, because it's got a reason to) we don't have to act out. It usually goes like: Urges? Search for porn. Do you feel lonely? Search for porn. Are you stressed out, tired, anxious, depressed etc.? Search for porn. Did a girl reject you? Search for porn. But actually, we don't need to search for porn in any of those cases. It's called "life". People are supposed to deal with their lives not try to medicate it with porn (that doesn't medicate shit, it promises "soothing" and leaves misery behind). We are addicts and porn pops up in our mind on its own, we can't do shit about this but we can do one thing after that : Not search for porn. For 40 days I've been bothered by images of porn stored in my memory but I haven't searched for porn deliberately. Sometimes it feels like shit. It's brutal to do this. The addiction reacts violently to your decision to starve it but this means that you're doing the right thing. This is how it's supposed to be. Starve the fucking addiction until it dies.

 

[Iloveicecream]

Lero,

I really like your words. Starve the addiction. Yes we can think About porn but we do not Need to act on it....nobody is forcing us....porn is the easy way out to solve Problems and thereby fuck up our lives...

 

[Lero]

Lero,

I really like your words. Starve the addiction. Yes we can think About porn but we do not Need to act on it....nobody is forcing us....porn is the easy way out to solve Problems and thereby fuck up our lives...

That's right. It's not like someone puts the gun to your head and asks you to watch porn. You have the last word. If you say "No" then "No" will be. Porn is not an easy way out, it only looks like it (because the brain knows how to make it feel like this). The things that we try to medicate with porn are still there. Porn doesn't cure them. Porn actually adds a problem to our problems already.

 

[camus]

TO MY FUTURE SELF WHO IS THINKING OF USING PORN:

I am a porn addict and will always remain so unless I stop entertaining the idea of using porn NOW and focus my mind on making my dreams a reality. After reading this, switch off the computer, get out the flat, go to the gym, read, meditate, do something, anything, but don't let the addiction win. It has taken enough of my life already and will continue to do so. It will destroy me and only I have the power to change.

I may say to myself, one last time. Think back to the literally 100s of times I have said 'one last binge'. This isn't me talking, it is the addiction. It will always want me back and will throw up any flimsy excuse for indulging again.

I may say to myself, just have a few hours looking, go on, I deserve it. This is also the addiction talking. The reality is I binge over a the period of around a day, waste money, time and destroy my mind, soul and body. The reality is I'm an addict and once I look, I'm hooked. It won't let me go. I won't eat properly, I will cancel my plans for the day, I will put my phone on silent, I will shut out the world as much as I can. The reality is I won't sleep that night and will lie awake all night and most probably PMO the next morning as I will be too depressed and be thinking what's the fucking point anyway. By the way, this is also my addiction talking.

If the above doesn't prevent me from using, then use porn. But do so in the knowledge that after spending hours looking for something that will never truly satisfy, I will cum. I will then feel disgusted with myself and immediately regret what I have done. That is the reality of the situation. I am guaranteed to feel shit about myself afterwards. And then for the next 2-4 weeks, I will be going through a mental roller coaster of mood swings which will affect the way I interact with my girlfriend and colleagues.

So the choice of whether or not to use is mine. I control my mind. I will either be a porn addict for the rest of my life or live the life of my dreams.

What is it to be?