alongtheriver
Member
My story begins at around age 10. I found my dad?s stash of magazines and must have been too obvious in how I was looking at them because he caught me. We *did not* talk about it. Instead he (in my memory, anyway), said I needed to stay away from his, but then asked if I wanted my own. I said yes and he drove me to the convenience store and bought me my first adult mag. I was not excited, but rather full of embarrassment and shame. I?ve never felt good about my porn usage my entire life. I used that and fantasized about girls in school, etc. a ton. I indulged in voyeuristic tendencies and used it for masturbation fodder.
Then, in the 90s came in the internet and I immediately began using it to find porn. First it was slow and a single photo took a while to obtain, but then after some time I got faster and faster internet and I was on there all the time. The free video sites were a killer. I just could not stop. I never did spend money on it though. I?m thankful for that.
During this whole time I was riddled with anxiety. I was this way from an early age. I?m also introverted and the combination of anxiety, porn, and introversion kept me in the house inactive for many years. I did have a reasonable social life and some volunteer work and jobs, so I wasn?t a total shut in, but I sure could have been and wanted to be. And if I could at all get away with staying in and using porn, I did.
Over 15 years ago I met my wife and I?m so lucky and thankful to have her in my life. We?ve been together though some tough times over the years, but dealing with this addiction is one of the worst. She says she is staying by me even while knowing about it, but it is killing her to know how much different the majority of our lives together could have been without it. She?s only found out the intensity and longstanding issue I?ve had for the past 3 years. During that time I?ve ready a bunch on this stuff via Your Brain on Porn and the subreddit nofap.
I also went to therapy for over a year with a focus on this and made some decent progress for a while. However, eventually I began lying to them about relapses and smaller issues which spiraled out of control to full on usage again. During this time I edged mostly and saved myself for my wife. I really do love her and did not want to deprive her of sexual activity and if I just orgasmed all the time outside of our relations, then it would dwindle down to nothing. I had convinced myself that edging was the solution to this thing even though I knew the science and how wrong that was. I can?t even get into all the details about how this has fucked up the trust we have on so many levels. I?m deeply ashamed of this and can only get by from day to day by avoiding thinking about how bad it really is. She is an amazing woman and doesn?t deserve this. I feel like a monster.
Today I?m on day 3 of a reboot.
- Did I use porn today?
- I?ve not used porn today
- What were my triggers?
- Website ads with women
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- I put down the computer and picked up a book (Kindle, but still)
- What am I grateful for today?
- My wife and family
- Day counter!
- Day 3
Then, in the 90s came in the internet and I immediately began using it to find porn. First it was slow and a single photo took a while to obtain, but then after some time I got faster and faster internet and I was on there all the time. The free video sites were a killer. I just could not stop. I never did spend money on it though. I?m thankful for that.
During this whole time I was riddled with anxiety. I was this way from an early age. I?m also introverted and the combination of anxiety, porn, and introversion kept me in the house inactive for many years. I did have a reasonable social life and some volunteer work and jobs, so I wasn?t a total shut in, but I sure could have been and wanted to be. And if I could at all get away with staying in and using porn, I did.
Over 15 years ago I met my wife and I?m so lucky and thankful to have her in my life. We?ve been together though some tough times over the years, but dealing with this addiction is one of the worst. She says she is staying by me even while knowing about it, but it is killing her to know how much different the majority of our lives together could have been without it. She?s only found out the intensity and longstanding issue I?ve had for the past 3 years. During that time I?ve ready a bunch on this stuff via Your Brain on Porn and the subreddit nofap.
I also went to therapy for over a year with a focus on this and made some decent progress for a while. However, eventually I began lying to them about relapses and smaller issues which spiraled out of control to full on usage again. During this time I edged mostly and saved myself for my wife. I really do love her and did not want to deprive her of sexual activity and if I just orgasmed all the time outside of our relations, then it would dwindle down to nothing. I had convinced myself that edging was the solution to this thing even though I knew the science and how wrong that was. I can?t even get into all the details about how this has fucked up the trust we have on so many levels. I?m deeply ashamed of this and can only get by from day to day by avoiding thinking about how bad it really is. She is an amazing woman and doesn?t deserve this. I feel like a monster.
Today I?m on day 3 of a reboot.
- Did I use porn today?
- I?ve not used porn today
- What were my triggers?
- Website ads with women
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- I put down the computer and picked up a book (Kindle, but still)
- What am I grateful for today?
- My wife and family
- Day counter!
- Day 3