7-30-90
- Thread starter 32
- Start date
This morning I looked at myself in the mirror and felt so much disappointment and frustration. I am carrying a lot of tension, stress that is really unwanted and keeps following me around. Just like porn really. Only despite keeping my head up and looking ahead, every once in a while I turn around and face my demons only to surrender to them once again.
I feel like I am tackling this behaviour issue more objectively, but desperately need to not give in and take a stand when the trigger/temptation arises; preparation is key so that I am ready to act accordingly, but in the past (as recent as last few nights) I have not done so. I must allow myself to do what is absolutely necessary: Prepare my exit strategy the moment a trigger or temptation creeps in, the 1/20th of a second that my brain starts to think 'hey, this is an option'.
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Porn is no longer an option
I feel like I am tackling this behaviour issue more objectively, but desperately need to not give in and take a stand when the trigger/temptation arises; preparation is key so that I am ready to act accordingly, but in the past (as recent as last few nights) I have not done so. I must allow myself to do what is absolutely necessary: Prepare my exit strategy the moment a trigger or temptation creeps in, the 1/20th of a second that my brain starts to think 'hey, this is an option'.
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Porn is no longer an option
Loving_Mary
Active Member
all right 32, keep posting 
I've noticed that when things start going well and I am building up my life, it always seems to follow by a relapse. I've spoken about my glass ceiling before, although this week I suspect it is shame which is the cause. On Tuesday, just the second day into the new year, I relapsed big time. Hours of edging/browsing and ultimately PMO (twice). It's has royally fucked my brain up; I can't stop thinking about porn and have been thinking of (and fantasizing) about having an affair. But I know that whilst I have the opportunity, it's not really what I want. It's just a sense of needing to escape from this misery. Ironically, most of these fantasizes have me about to sleep with this girl that I once met (at an SAA group meeting) only to then reject her as "I'm not that sort of person" and "have a wife pregnant with our first child!". It's that emotional connection that is driving my desire for her. I mean she's cute, but not super hot; we share a problem with pornography (and for her sleeping around) so it's an easy way for me to let go of this suffering and escape the misery of being an addict.
I know this won't progress b/c I won't let it, but I feel so shit. Because of the effects on my brain, this has to be the worst relapse I have had in a very long time. Strange as it happened to follow on from one of the best days I have had in a long time.
Guess I just have to ride the storm and hopefully in the next few days it will ease up and I can concentrate on seriously rebuilding my life.
I know this won't progress b/c I won't let it, but I feel so shit. Because of the effects on my brain, this has to be the worst relapse I have had in a very long time. Strange as it happened to follow on from one of the best days I have had in a long time.
Guess I just have to ride the storm and hopefully in the next few days it will ease up and I can concentrate on seriously rebuilding my life.
Broadfield78
Member
Hey 32 how is it going? Been reading your thread and hoping that the new year is a good one for you. Don?t give up mate
Thanks Broadfield78. It's a good feeling knowing that some people read my posts, I appreciate it.
I've actually been having a whirlwind of a difficult time - with some euphoric moments thrown in. Last Tuesday (2nd January), my half arsed new year's resolutions came crashing down as I worked from home that morning I binged from edging through to PMO on two occasions. And I didn't feel any major trigger per se. It was one of those "it just happened" moments, which of course is no excuse.
This was a BIG rock bottom for me, because it wasn't what has become (over the past months) a minute to fifteen minutes of browsing/edging/soft porn. It was full on dopamine rush like I have not experienced in a very long time, not to mention not one but two masturbations. The following days have been really tough in terms of how it has fucked with my brain, literally.
So I have been trying (and in the best part doing quite well) to manage emotions, fantasies and physical/cognitive shit - like painful testies which I ended up going to the doctor for, as well as terrible concentration and memory, plus horrible fatigue.
But as I mentioned, there have been good moments though, like when I had friends over and drank a bit much and more pertinently when I bonded with my pregnant wife. This is what gets me: The reality of becoming a father is really sinking in, as we approach 9-10 weeks until the baby's due date. Yet, last Tuesday was a horror story as far as escaping from reality (via porn) is concerned.
It is scary how 'it just happens', but hit me hard that I am letting it 'just happen'. In other words, I must work harder to commit to taking pro-active stances to ensure that it simply does not happen! I need to re-frame my reality on a subconscious level, which I guess takes time because I listen to audio meditations from my hypnotherapist frequently!
I've been so out of it that I only just remembered that I had already posted last week after Tuesday's ordeal. It sounds cliche but it is making me more determined to avoid letting this behaviour and all of it's ramifications repeat itself - except I am fully aware that determination is not enough. A strong and committed action plan is the way forward. Plus rebuilding my life, like the following expression:
?The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old but on building the new.? Socrates.
I have always been inspired by this quote, but never really listened and followed its wisdom. But I want to. I need to because my life really depends on it. I have responsibilities and those that depend on me; the side effects of porn use is damaging me and I want to become a better version of myself. Recovery and healing will take time, and probably some more tough days like today, but back to the basic approach of one day at a time. I just need to internalise and practice my signature below. For those that have come this far, thanks for reading.
---
Porn is no longer an option
I've actually been having a whirlwind of a difficult time - with some euphoric moments thrown in. Last Tuesday (2nd January), my half arsed new year's resolutions came crashing down as I worked from home that morning I binged from edging through to PMO on two occasions. And I didn't feel any major trigger per se. It was one of those "it just happened" moments, which of course is no excuse.
This was a BIG rock bottom for me, because it wasn't what has become (over the past months) a minute to fifteen minutes of browsing/edging/soft porn. It was full on dopamine rush like I have not experienced in a very long time, not to mention not one but two masturbations. The following days have been really tough in terms of how it has fucked with my brain, literally.
So I have been trying (and in the best part doing quite well) to manage emotions, fantasies and physical/cognitive shit - like painful testies which I ended up going to the doctor for, as well as terrible concentration and memory, plus horrible fatigue.
But as I mentioned, there have been good moments though, like when I had friends over and drank a bit much and more pertinently when I bonded with my pregnant wife. This is what gets me: The reality of becoming a father is really sinking in, as we approach 9-10 weeks until the baby's due date. Yet, last Tuesday was a horror story as far as escaping from reality (via porn) is concerned.
It is scary how 'it just happens', but hit me hard that I am letting it 'just happen'. In other words, I must work harder to commit to taking pro-active stances to ensure that it simply does not happen! I need to re-frame my reality on a subconscious level, which I guess takes time because I listen to audio meditations from my hypnotherapist frequently!
I've been so out of it that I only just remembered that I had already posted last week after Tuesday's ordeal. It sounds cliche but it is making me more determined to avoid letting this behaviour and all of it's ramifications repeat itself - except I am fully aware that determination is not enough. A strong and committed action plan is the way forward. Plus rebuilding my life, like the following expression:
?The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old but on building the new.? Socrates.
I have always been inspired by this quote, but never really listened and followed its wisdom. But I want to. I need to because my life really depends on it. I have responsibilities and those that depend on me; the side effects of porn use is damaging me and I want to become a better version of myself. Recovery and healing will take time, and probably some more tough days like today, but back to the basic approach of one day at a time. I just need to internalise and practice my signature below. For those that have come this far, thanks for reading.
---
Porn is no longer an option
Broadfield78
Member
Sounds like you are having a rough time at the moment - but from what I have read on here it will go in waves so ride it out and get to the other side.
Have you tried anything to make it more difficult for you to access P? I have put 3 different p blockers on my laptop, generated a random password for each, Pasted them in to each program and forgotten them. One of them (K9) even needs the password to uninstall it so that would take an awful lot of hassle to sort out if I really tried. As it happens I am on day 3 and had a strong urge today, but the system I put in place worked because I came to the conclusion that it was so much work to remove all the P blockers, knowing I would only go and put them all back on again after my release, that it just wasn?t worth it. I survived the day.
I?d also really focus on your new arrival (massive congrats on that). Remember what a privilege that is and I?m sure you will feel very different when he/she arrives. Maybe it will help. My wife and I have been trying for kids for 2 years and have found out we might not be able to. It really is something to cherish.
Look forward to reading your future updates. Keep going. It can only get easier.
Have you tried anything to make it more difficult for you to access P? I have put 3 different p blockers on my laptop, generated a random password for each, Pasted them in to each program and forgotten them. One of them (K9) even needs the password to uninstall it so that would take an awful lot of hassle to sort out if I really tried. As it happens I am on day 3 and had a strong urge today, but the system I put in place worked because I came to the conclusion that it was so much work to remove all the P blockers, knowing I would only go and put them all back on again after my release, that it just wasn?t worth it. I survived the day.
I?d also really focus on your new arrival (massive congrats on that). Remember what a privilege that is and I?m sure you will feel very different when he/she arrives. Maybe it will help. My wife and I have been trying for kids for 2 years and have found out we might not be able to. It really is something to cherish.
Look forward to reading your future updates. Keep going. It can only get easier.
I know it sounds stupid but I hadn't installed any filters because I feel like surely it's too easy to overcome. Plus I think my wife will find out as a result. Of having filters which I know is backwards.
I actually. Just pmo again half ago. I was home alone but doing fine minding my own business, noticed a couple of subtle triggers which I dismissed only to find myself acting out for a few minutes and then pmo.
Really annoyed and disappointed. I know it was triggers playing in my mind from last Tuesdays binging but still, it's frustrating as well as self harmful as being alone tonight was an opportunity to take one step forward ;that was the goal and I didn't achieve it. To the contrary if was one step back.
I'm trying to focus on our new arrival and don't take it for granted, just years and years of addictive and negative behaviour behind in my own way.
Feel free to comment and critise. Am I selfish?
I actually. Just pmo again half ago. I was home alone but doing fine minding my own business, noticed a couple of subtle triggers which I dismissed only to find myself acting out for a few minutes and then pmo.
Really annoyed and disappointed. I know it was triggers playing in my mind from last Tuesdays binging but still, it's frustrating as well as self harmful as being alone tonight was an opportunity to take one step forward ;that was the goal and I didn't achieve it. To the contrary if was one step back.
I'm trying to focus on our new arrival and don't take it for granted, just years and years of addictive and negative behaviour behind in my own way.
Feel free to comment and critise. Am I selfish?
Broadfield78
Member
I don?t think you are necessarily selfish 32. I just think you should try and focus your energy on the good things in your life. Nourish them and cherish them and I am sure they will reward you 10 times the ?value? of PMO. It?s just that you haven?t given yourself a chance in recent times to allow that appreciation to fully shine through.
You will get there, and I am not for one minute judging you. I too have neglected the good things in my life for too long. It?s day 3 for me but I am determined to reach 30 and hopefully begin to see a new path and new way of living
You will get there, and I am not for one minute judging you. I too have neglected the good things in my life for too long. It?s day 3 for me but I am determined to reach 30 and hopefully begin to see a new path and new way of living
Loving_Mary
Active Member
Broadfield78 said:
one day at a time dude, one day a time
Day 6. Now that my wife has gone to bed, I felt the idea of searching for topless girls online but feel very strong and committed to not going down that road ;more decisive in coming here and also reading other things which is more interesting and productive then eating my time and energy (not to mention seed!).
Last Monday I had hypnotherapy which was amazing. It felt like I had felt removed layers of trapped porn from my body and psyche. Perhaps another time I will describe it, but it was amazing. Whilst I feel like it has genuinely changed me, I must remember that I am still an addict. Being prepared is key.
Finally, I also want to say that I had a trigger with my wife today (about an unrelated matter) which brought up a lot of guilt and shame concerning pmo.
Anyway just wanted to check in.
Last Monday I had hypnotherapy which was amazing. It felt like I had felt removed layers of trapped porn from my body and psyche. Perhaps another time I will describe it, but it was amazing. Whilst I feel like it has genuinely changed me, I must remember that I am still an addict. Being prepared is key.
Finally, I also want to say that I had a trigger with my wife today (about an unrelated matter) which brought up a lot of guilt and shame concerning pmo.
Anyway just wanted to check in.
It's been a really hard week, struggling not to look at porn but somehow managing too, especially these past few days in a more 'geniune' way. By that I mean I am thinking carefully about my values and motivations; implications on my health and marriage. Also thinking about the weeks and months ahead. But porn is on my brain a heck of a lot these days. I am constantly vulnerable and having to force myself to think clearly, and to be aware of my emotions. Each and every time I act out if costs me hugely, especially as I only really have my therapist to talk to. And I am not trying to relay on him. I have been 'fighting' this addiction for many years but not 'forcing' myself to abstain/reject PMO. Instead I have constantly given into it nearly each time it has shows its ugly head. Even though right now I am trying to be careful, I know that tonight or tomorrow might be a different story. Well, I don't even know how recently I last acted out properly, but it has been screwing with my brain in more ways than I can ever recall (although this may be because I am now admitting to myself the extent of my problems as a result of PMO - in the past I was probably in denial). But shit just got real. I am going to become a father in seven weeks time and I need to be in a good place now so that in the coming weeks I can be there for my wife and in a good state of mind for my child. So I am trying to focus on the present day. One day at a time is a fundamental approach for me right now. I am trying to be OK with feeling huge sadness for finding myself in this situation; does anyone know a good way to forgive oneself?
Feel like shit, really down. I've been having dreams at night which makes me feel stressed and fearful! A mixture of everything that's going on in my life - career, relationships/family. Lots self esteem and confidence at the moment; porn use keeps telling me a step back so having make problems with withdrawal. I doubt uttermost day this but fml
32 said:
If it's any consolation, I'm struggling with self-forgiveness too at the moment. There are some useful resources I could give you on forgiveness if you're a Christian but I'm not sure if that is your thing.
Maybe think of it like this: if your best friend came to you and confessed a porn addiction to you, how would you respond? I would expect that you would be sympathetic, you would be willing him on to beat it, you would encourage him to get back on his feel after times of relapse, and you would praise him for the clean days and for the progress made.
So if you would do this for a friend, why would you hold yourself to a higher standard of account? Why would you punish yourself more severely?
You are fighting this. Fight one day at a time.
Thank you PE30.
I am not Christian but am grateful for your words.
Whilst I would feel sorry for a mate in this position, I would also feel extremely sorry for his/her spouse/family. It's a horrible position to be in and causes so many ramifications.
I think my wife is hormonal today - unless there's something troubling her - so she has been lashing out at me. I do not feel strong enough to just take it on the chin, but am biting my lip. I simply do not want to retaliate as she is heavily pregnant and there is enough stress as we have the builders in for the next couple of weeks. But yesterday I did snap at her a couple of times - I have been feeling very angry and sad. Very disappointed in myself. Extremely anxious. I think that she is starting to worry about my tiredness of late and poor memory/productivity around the house; you can guess that root cause of these symptoms.
I am not Christian but am grateful for your words.
Whilst I would feel sorry for a mate in this position, I would also feel extremely sorry for his/her spouse/family. It's a horrible position to be in and causes so many ramifications.
I think my wife is hormonal today - unless there's something troubling her - so she has been lashing out at me. I do not feel strong enough to just take it on the chin, but am biting my lip. I simply do not want to retaliate as she is heavily pregnant and there is enough stress as we have the builders in for the next couple of weeks. But yesterday I did snap at her a couple of times - I have been feeling very angry and sad. Very disappointed in myself. Extremely anxious. I think that she is starting to worry about my tiredness of late and poor memory/productivity around the house; you can guess that root cause of these symptoms.
Oh yeah, there are ramifications. But at the same time, you're fighting this, and you're working towards a porn-free future. Does your wife know this struggle? Or is there a close friend in real life you could share with?
Also, I wonder if there's anything positive you could do for your wife to help negate these feelings of disappointment? How about cooking her a nice meal or offer to do the laundry / something else? I don't know what makes her tick and what makes her feel loved, but use that as your basis for showing her practical love. I'm finding that the best antidote for feelings of self-loathing / negativity is to be a positive influence on other people's lives. For instance, I was really upset yesterday but I made the sandwiches for our lunches today and my wife was really happy.
Anyway I hope this is of some use!
Also, I wonder if there's anything positive you could do for your wife to help negate these feelings of disappointment? How about cooking her a nice meal or offer to do the laundry / something else? I don't know what makes her tick and what makes her feel loved, but use that as your basis for showing her practical love. I'm finding that the best antidote for feelings of self-loathing / negativity is to be a positive influence on other people's lives. For instance, I was really upset yesterday but I made the sandwiches for our lunches today and my wife was really happy.
Anyway I hope this is of some use!
Thanks PE30.
No, she doesn't know. Now is definately not the time to tell her.
I read this article (link below), always a good reminder that I am not alone despite the difficulty. It all makes sense and feels like I have been damaging my brain, but hope that it will recover and heal.
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/what-does-withdrawal-from-porn-look-like
I just want to stop feeling the sadness and pain.
No, she doesn't know. Now is definately not the time to tell her.
I read this article (link below), always a good reminder that I am not alone despite the difficulty. It all makes sense and feels like I have been damaging my brain, but hope that it will recover and heal.
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/what-does-withdrawal-from-porn-look-like
I just want to stop feeling the sadness and pain.
Oh yes I agree: she's got enough on her plate.
If it's any consolation I'm experiencing many of the symptoms listed in that article: severe anxiety, shooting pains in my head (that's a new one!), mood swings, fatigue. In the past I've got through reboots by subbing my chatroom use with other online forum usage or Facebook usage. But I'm trying to avoid that this time round as eventually the buzz wears off and I just want to go back to the chat rooms.
I think it's just important to realise that these feelings are fleeting. I remember how good it felt last year when I got to day 60/70/80... I need to remember how good clean feels, even if it doesn't feel amazing to start with.
You can get through this, one day at a time. You seem like a fighter to me.
If it's any consolation I'm experiencing many of the symptoms listed in that article: severe anxiety, shooting pains in my head (that's a new one!), mood swings, fatigue. In the past I've got through reboots by subbing my chatroom use with other online forum usage or Facebook usage. But I'm trying to avoid that this time round as eventually the buzz wears off and I just want to go back to the chat rooms.
I think it's just important to realise that these feelings are fleeting. I remember how good it felt last year when I got to day 60/70/80... I need to remember how good clean feels, even if it doesn't feel amazing to start with.
You can get through this, one day at a time. You seem like a fighter to me.