7-30-90

[32]

Thanks dude, I appreciate your comments PE30 (especially the last one); it means a lot to me.

I've been trying not to obsess about coming on to this forum, so perhaps once or twice next week rather than feeling the absolute need to come every day; I think it can sometimes create stress. As my therapist says, therapy happens between sessions. I think of it in a similar way.

But that said, I am constantly obsessing about the notion of being addicted to porn. And that too has been creating a great deal of stress for me, as is counting the days. I'm not saying that I shouldn't be thinking that way, but just need to 'be' for a while whilst also staying very alert.

This past week I have been consciously more alert to my emotions and triggers and apart from a brief moment I have stayed away from p and been disciplined for a change.

Life is getting real. I must get a grip on life and stay 100% focused on what is most important.

 

[32]

Day 19. I'm not really counting, just keeping tabs.

I've had a few hypno therapy sessions recently, which has really been working for me. Still, I have experienced withdrawal symptoms over the past two weeks, incl. anxiety ad fatigue, etc. Today's session has allowed me to experience great energy and empowerment.

I have, of course, experienced a few triggers/urges, but these have been quick; I have thankfully been decisive and strong to reject pornography, strengthening my belief and associations (to triggers) that it is something that I do not do anymore as it is negative, harmful to my health and well being. It is does not support me or give me shelter as i used to pretend that it did. Even soft porn is dangerous and harmful to my health. I am learning to live with self respect and honour.

 

[32]

If I get through today then it will mark 3 weeks sober. I'm working from home today (my wife is too thankfully); I'm feeling very stressed about my career and a bit fatigued too, which may very well be withdrawal symptoms. But b/c of this stress I feel the urge to escape  from it. But I will NOT give in. Not even for a moment, or looking at something relatively innocent that could tease my brain. No, I must stay on track. It is very important that I stay on track.

 

[gazz]

excellent work mate. You just keep going til you win it.

 

[aquarius25]

Pregnancy is so tricky. I read your journal and something that popped out at me, from a woman's perspective take it or leave it, is this. Yes some of her emotions are due to hormones but there is an underlying issues especially with pregnancy. There is a need for the mom to be to feel safe and secure. She may be picking up on your addiction. Most women know, they don't know it's porn specifically, but they do feel the distance and detachment that porn creates. I felt it when I was pregnant. I think, for me personally, it made me more emotional because I know something was off and I didn't know what. When you are expecting a child everything feels so important and you want to do everything right because you are realizing that your life isn't just about you, there is another human depending on you. In those moments you need to breathe, acknowledge yes that is important, but one step at a time. One of the best things you can do to make a woman (pregnant or not) feel safe and secure if to communicate. This may not be the time to tell her everything but I would start talking more often about your thoughts. What are you most looking forward to? Tell her what you are worried about, work it out together. Her knowing that your relationship is good is the foundation. You will need to tell her at some point or the guilt will never leave. To start just tell her you love her, you are glad to be together, you are happy about the future.

Also maybe get some counseling and or join a support group. That way you have more in person accountability. It really does make a huge difference in recovery. I wish you the very best in your recovery and in your relationship. Kids are amazing, they change your life in ways you never dream! Congrats to that!

 

[32]

Gazz - thanks mate. I read some of your posts and it provides me with an objective motivation that I can really relate to.

Aquarius25 - Wow. It's incredible to hear from you with your perspective as a woman (not something I get often on this forum). I agree with much of what you have said, but the guilt will only always be there if I frankly don't progress with recovery. I have worked very hard at talking and communicating with her; but I messed that up for the period of one day (and paid the price!).

We went away for the weekend and it was nice to connect after so much busy-ness following our house move etc.

This morning I have been struggling a bit, those old temptation for a fix is pretty apparent and I was looking a bit at models etc online but didn't allow myself to actually view porn etc. I stopped before it got out of hand and left the house to do an errand. I simply cannot allow myself to be slack b/c guilt etc will set in when my wife could pop at any time! Even since coming back home to work those temptations for a fix are back but I am staying focused and disciplined. It's not all about me anymore (as if it ever was).

I am experiencing change, hence the 'need for a fix'. It is happening. I am withdrawing. I am rejecting pornography.

One thing I did notice was my feeling of empathy towards these women who are so desperate (for whatever) that they let themselves get involved with porn etc. Well, if I look at them than how do I have self respect? So no more. Breath and be mindful is what I am focusing on now. Just being. Being me.

---
Porn is no longer an option.

 

[32]

I've been hard on myself today (finding it hard not to) as I expect so much from myself. Just feel really down, knowing that this is such a long road. I've been doing well for the past few weeks, but today that urge for a fix had been bullying me. I've been meaning towards giving in, and this evening I came even closer to looking at porn. I saw a few thumbnails and one a few topless models /actresses popped up and stopped and turned it off. It's part of the process I know, but need to generate energy and work towards building up my life but taking steps back. One day at a time. Hopefully tomorrow will be good, and the next few days in terms of how I feel about myself ; I want that feeling of passive energy and joy, excitement for what the next few weeks will hopefully bring.

 

[32]

Yesterday was extremely difficult and I nearly lost my way but somehow survived. I was very closer to looking at porn and although it was far from perfect as I was I survived. But I was still buzzing and it has. Left me feeling a lot of. Negative feelings. Sorry. I'm not being clear. Just feel the need to forgive myself for not being perfect and struggling yesterday. Feeling sad and anxious. Need to breath.

 

[32]

Yesterday I kind of gave in - but did not give up. I felt like I had taken a step back, as the urges were taking a hold of me rather than me being in control. For periods of the day I was 'browsing' images and coming close to looking at porn type of images, but didn't really let me self. Not until last night when I 'allowed myself' to look at this shit for a small amount of time; when it came to nearly watching porn I turned it off. I'm not pleased, but feel like I have got past this horrible wave. Of course, there is some guilt but more so a shame that this is still a struggle; however, it is a process especially as I have been battling this disease for my entire adult life.

 

[PE30]

Hey

I said this to someone else on here and I thought I'd say the same to you. Sounds like you've been skating a bit too close for good- but you know that. Stop, and take stock. What caused you to go there? What triggered it, was it tiredness, boredom, what was the thought process? And now think: next time you're bored or tired or grumpy, what are you going to do instead of porn, or porn-lite? What's the healthy alternative? Find it and pursue it.

Don't be defeated by the slips of the past couple of days. there'll be a part of you thinking "I've blown it, I might as well go and indulge myself" but don't do it. You're on a journey and you've made huge progress.

 

[32]

Thanks PE30. It means a lot to me. You're right about what is natural to think, but also that I am trying to take a step back and remember that I have been making huge progress (even at the time of slipping up, ironically).

Working hard to breath through any anxiety and not berate myself; I am only human after all and what is important are my aspirations and overall effort to sort out my life and get ready for becoming a parent in the next week or so.

 

[32]

Last week my wife birthed our beautiful girl. I am over joyed and have a great sense of clarity, necessity and responsibility. She has provided me with instant meaning.

 

[PE30]

Congratulations! That's lovely. Enjoy this precious time even if it seems overwhelming to the two of you. Listen to all the advice you receive but don't act on all of it

 

[32]

Thanks PE 30
Now that the adrenaline rush is over and we're finding our feet, the tiredness is kicking in although I'm not sure how much of it is withdrawal. Either way, I'm trying to accept it and adjust without over thinking it. It's actually been 48 days since I last PMO fully (20 days since a blip, but not at our per se). As much as I'm thinking about reality amidst my new live circumstance, whilst trying to stay positive and upbeat I must admit that there is a shadow of pain knowing the weight of consequences of I were to misuse this new lease of life. I recognise that the real test will be in the weeks ahead when I get back into a routine and my level of responsibility will be tested.

 

[iwanttobeagoodman]

Well done on making some progress dude. Keep it up!

 

[32]

I feel like porn has been on my brain the last couple of days; I am noticing change as to my discipline, values/priorities in life, and also what I think of the porn industry (disgust). Also, I do think that I have spent years wiring my insecurity regarding work/career with acting out.

Just before I had temptation to look at something, just a quick fix; thankfully I stopped myself in time. At least I am making progress. I have to.

---
Porn is no longer an option

 

[Loving_Mary]

I feel like porn has been on my brain the last couple of days; I am noticing change as to my discipline, values/priorities in life, and also what I think of the porn industry (disgust). Also, I do think that I have spent years wiring my insecurity regarding work/career with acting out.

Just before I had temptation to look at something, just a quick fix; thankfully I stopped myself in time. At least I am making progress. I have to.

---
Porn is no longer an option

Well porn is and will be in your brain for a while.

But every day you get along without it, it gets weaker.

I'm not saying that it feels that way always. But it does get weaker.

There's only one cure: stopping.

It's like a spa for our brains. Or more like a losing weight boot camp

Every day you stay clean, you win a battle.

Keep it up!

 

[gazz]

congrats mate. really happy for you. any 'alluring' thoughts come to you, say 'you are poison. fuck you!' , take a breath and think about the blessings in your life. if you your thoughts stray, refocus on the present

 

[32]

Thanks both. I can feel my brain changing (as wierd as that sounds) and am aware of how I am thinking. Last night I went to sleep thinking I should really take up yoga classes again but then my mind went to sexual fantasies, but I quickly icky nipped it in the bud.

 

[32]

Today was a crazy struggle and tonight I finally 'gave in'. After 61 days I PMO. My previous PB was 63 days (although typically once a week or so). So yes, progress. But I am very disappointed in myself b/c there didn't seem to be a real trigger today, it felt more like my brain was hijacked. Still, I wasn't armed with a strategy even though I knew it was necessary.

Right now there's some relief, but I also know that guilt and shame may very well kick-in sooner or later. Especially now that I have a newborn in the house. Yet I know that I must keep my head up and start again with aim on building upon this overall sense of progress. It needs to be with true conviction and clarity as to what I want (and don't want). So much so that it must be a necessity and not just a 'nice to have'.

Anyway, it's only just happened so these are my immediate thoughts, also I need to go away and process this. Hopefully I can reignite the joy in my life of having a newborn to take care of and a sense of duty.