7-30-90

[32]

My last post was a month ago, when I 'gave in' after after 60 Days. Since then, I've had a bad 3 weeks in that regard, having easily been swept aside from urges and triggers. Today is Day 7 of my renewed commitment.

How do I feel? Fatigued. Angry.

I just want to scream and shout, and probably cry too. This is all too much for me, or at least that's how it feels as I approach my 34th birthday in a few weeks' time. I am facing a lot of change in my life (home, work) and it can be scary at times. 

 

[Loving_Mary]

My last post was a month ago, when I 'gave in' after after 60 Days. Since then, I've had a bad 3 weeks in that regard, having easily been swept aside from urges and triggers. Today is Day 7 of my renewed commitment.

How do I feel? Fatigued. Angry.

I just want to scream and shout, and probably cry too. This is all too much for me, or at least that's how it feels as I approach my 34th birthday in a few weeks' time. I am facing a lot of change in my life (home, work) and it can be scary at times.

I know how you feel. But you showed to yourself that you could live without P for a while.

I think that if you manage your stress and ansiety, that will help you with PMO

take care

 

[32]

I've been having a terrible few weeks and have acted out multiple times.

This morning I spoke to my therapist (who specialises in addiction) which was a comfort.

We are going to keep working through my emotional blocks.

 

[Loving_Mary]

I've been having a terrible few weeks and have acted out multiple times.

This morning I spoke to my therapist (who specialises in addiction) which was a comfort.

We are going to keep working through my emotional blocks.

I think therapists are good.

Mine is helping me a ton

cheers

 

[32]

Since I spoke to my therapist on Monday, I've been feeling more in control. I'm also starting to create a new routine before using the Internet of reading my journal (re porn entries) to get me focused on motivated to stay on track.

Tonight I feel sad that I've not been honest to my wife.

I need to practise gratitude to keep perspective of life and to avoid depression from creeping in.

 

[Georgos]

Honesty is a strange thing. In the Orthodox Christian tradition ones preoccupations are all things that separate one from God, and we are Gods, both husband and wife. The technique for dispelling them is to confess to a priest, which if the priest is truly ordained, will result in them literally disappearing from one's reality through the power of forgiveness. Of course, husband and wife can administer forgiveness to each other too, as can anyone else who is so inclined, however telling everyone can result in gossip that just reinforces and builds on the initial contents of one's mind, making it even harder to break free. I think the thing to remember is that we are never truly one with another 100%, at least I have never experienced such a thing, but maybe I am wrong, maybe husband and wife truly can be united as a single life. Thank you.

 

[32]

Day 10. Things feel different in that I am really trying to commit each day to intercept thoughts or urges with something healthy by way of re committing each day.

For example, I may get a thought about porn so I will think and ideally and ideally tap into my feelings and take action such as focusing on my motivations and also an action like going for a walk or taking a break or reading a book.

It sounds simple but I've always struggled with this sense of committing to taking appropriate action in the face of adversity, but at least now I am doing it.

Right now, I've been having urges (actually creative energy which I once would have miss channeled) so decided to read my personal motivating statements to make this suit real to me and to remind me how harmful and fake porn is. I decided to then take action by writing this piece.

Hopefully the more I consistently do this I can retire my brain and slowly (but most importantly sustainable) I can recover and then heal.

 

[32]

I made it to Day 16 before slipping for a few minutes. Unfortunately this escalated and I binged last night and first thing this morning.

It's strange because I have been very much in tune with my values etc, but when the challenge arose I hadn't been prepared enough (aka strong) to tap into my call to action - going for a walk, connecting with someone, etc.

It feels disheartening to be 'out of control'; I seriously could have been caught red handed by my wife, which would not have ended well. Similarly, I was thinking about my daughter but yet dismissed this value; such is the gravity of this addiction.

Now, I must be pick myself up and turn this around. As guilty and ashamed as I may feel, the most important thing is that I learn from these past days and to do something different going forward - to prepare by taking a minute before logging on to my pc to get my motives in order, similarly to commit to an action if the temptation comes.

 

[Loving_Mary]

I made it to Day 16 before slipping for a few minutes. Unfortunately this escalated and I binged last night and first thing this morning.

It's strange because I have been very much in tune with my values etc, but when the challenge arose I hadn't been prepared enough (aka strong) to tap into my call to action - going for a walk, connecting with someone, etc.

It feels disheartening to be 'out of control'; I seriously could have been caught red handed by my wife, which would not have ended well. Similarly, I was thinking about my daughter but yet dismissed this value; such is the gravity of this addiction.

Now, I must be pick myself up and turn this around. As guilty and ashamed as I may feel, the most important thing is that I learn from these past days and to do something different going forward - to prepare by taking a minute before logging on to my pc to get my motives in order, similarly to commit to an action if the temptation comes.

hi 32 I'm sorry you slipped but take into account that there's a psycatric factor in all of this. Our brain is focused on P and it takes a long time to reboot the brain.

Sounds that your motivation and attitude are good, I think that will help you.

One thing that surely won't is shame and guilt. They will crush your self steem and make you weaker against temptation.

Whe you slip I think it's better to make a cold and brief self critique, look at what things could have been made better and reinforce your motivation.

Cheers

 

[32]

Thanks Loving Mary.

Yeah, I'm feeling pretty numb from the end of last week and allowing myself to slowly digest and accept my relapse.

It was a binge like I haven't experienced in a while and it's hard to swallow. I am trying not to let it take the wind out of my sail and working on raising my frequencies (aka keeping my head up), but it may take a little bit of time as I work to humble myself and not enter a sense of denial and pretend that everything is OK. It's not. It's really not OK as it plagues my mind - both porn hijacking the brain and also sucks the life out of me. It's not how I want to spend my days. It's not really living is it?

But I am learning from this experience, because I need to grow from it.

I have learnt how to better manage and prepare to take action. That every time I use the internet I need to get my head (and heart) in terms of motivation and to have an action plan for when temptation comes calling. And to commit to this practice each and every time.

 

[Loving_Mary]

Thanks Loving Mary.

Yeah, I'm feeling pretty numb from the end of last week and allowing myself to slowly digest and accept my relapse.

It was a binge like I haven't experienced in a while and it's hard to swallow. I am trying not to let it take the wind out of my sail and working on raising my frequencies (aka keeping my head up), but it may take a little bit of time as I work to humble myself and not enter a sense of denial and pretend that everything is OK. It's not. It's really not OK as it plagues my mind - both porn hijacking the brain and also sucks the life out of me. It's not how I want to spend my days. It's not really living is it?

But I am learning from this experience, because I need to grow from it.

I have learnt how to better manage and prepare to take action. That every time I use the internet I need to get my head (and heart) in terms of motivation and to have an action plan for when temptation comes calling. And to commit to this practice each and every time.

I'm never in the position of giving advice, but these days I feel pain and weakness, so even less.

What I can say is that I really understand you. Couldn't have said it better.

Relpses are a source of humblness and reality. Me myself I'm afraid of them even after more than 5 months clean.

But I also believe that is not like starting over again.

The counter might start from 0. But the brain has rewired partially.

I've got to congratulate you for you effort and I thing your attitude will help you a ton.

You sound mentally pretty healthy and it sounds you're on the right track.

Maybe sharing my experience will help you: lately I'm under more stress. That's when temptation came back.

Cheers man

 

[32]

I'm getting a lot of spam on this site.

Does anyone know how I can report it or contact an administrator?

If I done get this sorted quickly I will be leaving the platform.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Andy9120]

I have too.  I have managed to establish "rules" in the settings that filter spam from the users that are sending it.

Hope you are having a great and positive day.

 

[PE30]

Andy, can you share how you set your rules up?

32- the mods are aware and have IP banned the spammer in question. But I got 16 messages today. Whoever it is obviously doesn't want you to succeed. Thrive in spite of him! You can do it.

 

[ddmmyyyy]

Wow, 16 messages on one day. Some people must be really bored...Not sure how to set rules, but in your inbox on the left, under "preferences/change settings" you can set "Receive personal messages from:" to "Administrators only" or "Buddies and Administrators only".

 

[Andy9120]

@ddmmyyyy thanks for that!  Such a good advice.

I think that anyone who sends these messages has a much bigger problem than anyone who is rebooting and joining in fellowship together on here.  Lets pity them.

 

[32]

I am having a torrid time at the moment. These past couple of weeks my brain has been truly hijacked. I cannot concentration and have limited motivation, with porn constantly on my mind especially when I see any women in the street - all because I have spiraled into a relapse. I simply feel like I cannot stop or help myself. I am experiencing mild depression and feel alone. I know you're going to say I am not alone and that we're all in it together, but this is my secret and it is consuming me. My problem is getting worse. I know that I am stressed concerning my business and am experiencing change which I am afraid of. It is a time when I need to feel a sense of self respect, confidence and assurance in my ability to figure things out. But porn is taking me back to a very unhealthy state and I cannot deal with life. I feel like I am about to breakdown. I just need to stop acting out for 7 days and then breath; regain a sense of neutrality to see things for what they are. But I am trying to do that, and still not controlling my urges and acting out. This is making me so miserable that I cannot even see or feel things.

 

[PE30]

Hey

Would you feel any better if you admitted to this problem to someone in person? To a close friend, or a relative, or whoever? I don't think you're a religious man but there's a lot in the Bible about darkness and light. Temptation and addiction thrives in the darkness. It convinces you that if you tell someone that you'll lose everything; it keeps you captive. Every so often it might taunt you by letting you go free for a few days, letting you convince yourself that you can do it alone, but it sucks you back in.

 

[Loving_Mary]

I am having a torrid time at the moment. These past couple of weeks my brain has been truly hijacked. I cannot concentration and have limited motivation, with porn constantly on my mind especially when I see any women in the street - all because I have spiraled into a relapse. I simply feel like I cannot stop or help myself. I am experiencing mild depression and feel alone. I know you're going to say I am not alone and that we're all in it together, but this is my secret and it is consuming me. My problem is getting worse. I know that I am stressed concerning my business and am experiencing change which I am afraid of. It is a time when I need to feel a sense of self respect, confidence and assurance in my ability to figure things out. But porn is taking me back to a very unhealthy state and I cannot deal with life. I feel like I am about to breakdown. I just need to stop acting out for 7 days and then breath; regain a sense of neutrality to see things for what they are. But I am trying to do that, and still not controlling my urges and acting out. This is making me so miserable that I cannot even see or feel things.

I think you're doing good 32.

You are aware of your lack of self control, your stress due to your business and your sense of loneliness.

I do believe you're lonely. People with that problem tend to feel that way. I think it's because you're connected with P than anything else. And P isn't real company. 

I think attacking your stress and ansiety would be a good start for breaking the cycle.

Peace, man.