elephantricity
Active Member
So I decided to start a journal. Already a couple of weeks into my reboot. Here is some background info on myself.
Turned 29 last month.. and boy do I feel like an old man! Regardless, Porn has been in my life as long as I can remember. I pretty much grew up during the dawn of high speed internet, gaming and the explosion of information at your finger tips. During all those years, I would date women here and there, but could never finish with a climax for myself. Part of me inside knew it was because of years of masturbating to porn, and my body just becoming used to my hand and hand alone to get off. However, it was during the time of realizing what was happening, that I picked up a nasty drug addiction that lasted 3-4 years. Thankfully, I was able to kick that habit, and now have 6-7 years clean. Cleaning up my life really gave me good skills in being able to negotiate potentially threatening situations. I should have figured it out years ago though that my porn use was pretty much identical to my drug use. I just never put the two together like that... until what happened about 2 weeks ago.
So I met this absolutely GORGEOUS girl. 19 years old.. I know,, huge age gap.. but its fun, she makes me feel young and like I'm in college again. Plus she is pretty mature for her age. Tall, hour glass figure, absolutely cute face. Well, when we decide to have sex for the first time.. the nightmare scenario happened. Whatever boner I was able to get up, pretty much died when I put on the condom. I have never felt so ashamed in my life.. because with previous women, I could get rock hard, and go for hours.. even though I couldn't finish.. I was more pressured to please the women than myself.
Thankfully, this girl is amazing, and we tried again.. albeit, I got prescribed viagra, and it made getting an erection really easy. Although still, I couldn't orgasm. So, it was really failing to get an erection the first time we had sex made me know I had to quit porn for good. The masturbating feels neccessary to abstain from, so I can train my mind/body that more than just a hand can get me off.
So this being DAY 19 for me.. I don't think I've really hit a flatline at all. No strong urges to view porn.. although I occassionally feel like I need to release, because I haven't orgasmed in 19 days, which is insane to think about.. I probably haven't gone that long since I was in my late teens. Last night, I woke up several times with a massive hard on. Also, at work, I occassionally get an erection thinking about this girl. I consider these all good things, as I'm being turned on naturally, and not by viewing porn.
The next time I'm going to get some private alone time with this girl is during Thanksgiving break. I plan on not using viagra, but I am scared about me not being able to perform without it, and I def don't want to let myself become dependent on the meds. We will see I guess.
Turned 29 last month.. and boy do I feel like an old man! Regardless, Porn has been in my life as long as I can remember. I pretty much grew up during the dawn of high speed internet, gaming and the explosion of information at your finger tips. During all those years, I would date women here and there, but could never finish with a climax for myself. Part of me inside knew it was because of years of masturbating to porn, and my body just becoming used to my hand and hand alone to get off. However, it was during the time of realizing what was happening, that I picked up a nasty drug addiction that lasted 3-4 years. Thankfully, I was able to kick that habit, and now have 6-7 years clean. Cleaning up my life really gave me good skills in being able to negotiate potentially threatening situations. I should have figured it out years ago though that my porn use was pretty much identical to my drug use. I just never put the two together like that... until what happened about 2 weeks ago.
So I met this absolutely GORGEOUS girl. 19 years old.. I know,, huge age gap.. but its fun, she makes me feel young and like I'm in college again. Plus she is pretty mature for her age. Tall, hour glass figure, absolutely cute face. Well, when we decide to have sex for the first time.. the nightmare scenario happened. Whatever boner I was able to get up, pretty much died when I put on the condom. I have never felt so ashamed in my life.. because with previous women, I could get rock hard, and go for hours.. even though I couldn't finish.. I was more pressured to please the women than myself.
Thankfully, this girl is amazing, and we tried again.. albeit, I got prescribed viagra, and it made getting an erection really easy. Although still, I couldn't orgasm. So, it was really failing to get an erection the first time we had sex made me know I had to quit porn for good. The masturbating feels neccessary to abstain from, so I can train my mind/body that more than just a hand can get me off.
So this being DAY 19 for me.. I don't think I've really hit a flatline at all. No strong urges to view porn.. although I occassionally feel like I need to release, because I haven't orgasmed in 19 days, which is insane to think about.. I probably haven't gone that long since I was in my late teens. Last night, I woke up several times with a massive hard on. Also, at work, I occassionally get an erection thinking about this girl. I consider these all good things, as I'm being turned on naturally, and not by viewing porn.
The next time I'm going to get some private alone time with this girl is during Thanksgiving break. I plan on not using viagra, but I am scared about me not being able to perform without it, and I def don't want to let myself become dependent on the meds. We will see I guess.