I am addicted to webcam-chat

[chat-addict]

Hello Everybody.

I am 40 - and I am part of the usual timeline: Magazines, VHS, slowspeed internet, highspeed-internet. All normal, I guess.

But in one point I am very far from normal: I met my wife, when we were 16 and 17 years old. We've been together for 23 years. That means that I have never had a sexual relationsship with anybody else. We have two children (10 and 12) and my wife is everything a man could want: Pretty, sweet, kind, tolerant, patient, helpful, and intelligent. Our marriage is close to perfect and we have sex about twice a week. (I might want sex more often than that - but I definetely know that I should not complain)

I've done PMO since I was 11 or 12 years old (don't remember!) and it has never caused me problems like ED, DE or anything else. But I do wish that I could last longer during intercouse.    I don't really regard myself as addicted to PMO - but maybe I am!

But... I am totally addicted to webcam-chat with random strangers (females) that I can MO with. I don't pay online-girls - It would be a turnoff knowing that they only do it for the money. I chase real girls on free sites - and they are very hard to find. This means that I spend hours and hours just seeking before I find one. I've tried to quit this habit for more than a year, but is is SO hard, and I relapse time after time - feeling awful about it. The longest I've been "clean" is 2 months....  I don't really consider it "cheating" on my wife - but maybe it is... Maybe part of me is just missing that I've never been with anybody else. I don't really know. I would never cheat on my wife IRL and I would never leave her - I know, I couldn't live without her for more than a few days

I want to quit this habit in order to:
- get rid of social anxiety
- gain more self-confidence
- use all the hours I spend on my bad habit on something more constructive
- preserve my sexual energy
- get rid of unnatural sexual-desire and just enjoy my perfect wife

Triggers that I feel I've almost overcome
- If my wife goes to bed early, leaving me up alone
- If I wake up early in the morning before the rest of the house wakes (I live en Europe, so this would be a good time to be online because it would be evening in the USA)
- If something goes wrong or doesn't work out the way I wanted etc. (could we work-related or anything...)

But the main remaning triggers, that causes me to relapse time after time:
- I am a musician - which means that I often work at night. This gives me a lot of daytime-hours alone in our home while my wife is at work and our kids are at school. I try to get out of the house as much as possible to avoid the trigger, but it is not always possible...
- it is also a big trigger that I tell myself: "This is not artificial - I am actually interacting with a real person".
- I watch P once in a while but I do not consider myself addicted to P. But I do realize that P is a trigger to relapse to the chat-insanity, so I want to avoid it during reboot.
- the chaser effect after real sex is a major trigger.
- the fact that somebody in here told that they relapsed after 120+ days (I've always thought that if I could just go 90 days I would be "cured"

I just relapsed today after I did aobut 20 days straight... damn... just before (and while) i relapsed, I felt that there was nothing wrong in doing so - and spent three hours....

So... I am on day zero!
I don't know how common my kind of addiction is - I can't find much about it on the internet. But I've read a lot on ybop and I think the points stated there still applies to me.
Today is Monday. Monday is the "big trigger day" because I teach at home in the morning and then have 5-6 hours alone in the house before my children come home.
Tuesday - Friday I am usually out of the house and in the weekends I am with my family... So I know that I will be alright until next Monday

My wife doesn't know about all this. She probably assumes that I do PMO once in a while - and since I want sex more often than her, I don't really think that she regards it as a problem. But I doubt that she would be happy about me MO with random strangers in a chat-session....

Any respons and advices would be more than welcome.

Kind regards....

 

[57yrold]

Good luck achieving your goals!

Are you giving up all porn?  What about M and O?

I'm doing 'hardmode' which is NO P, NO M, NO O, for at least 90 days.  I've heard this is the best way to 're-boot' from porn related issues.

I would recommend you read as much as possible about porn addiction, PMO, Sexual Side effects, etc.

And find something to fill the time that you used to chat.  Meditate?  Exercise?  Go for walks in nature?  Learn a new instrument?

Anything to keep your eyes off the pixels and your hands off your junk!

Also, as a personal note, when I started all this I thought I could do it on my own and my wife didn't need to know.  I was wrong.  After a little while I told her everything.  Of course she was upset and confused, but soon she was more understanding and helpful.

I cannot tell you what to do regarding your wife, but for me I had to be honest with her and let her know what was going on.

Again, best of luck to you!

 

[TakeActionNow]

Truth hurts, but knowing truth is necessary.

1. Your addiction will never leave you.
But what will change is your focus

2. Understand your root
It goes much deeper than just sex. Its about your held beliefs, your emotional stability, your sense of achievements etc.

3. Its also habit
Its become activities you're used to, become practiced in, got comfortable with. That doesnt mean it'll bring meaning. You have to find out what is meaningful for yourself

Action plan
If you want true recovery you need to spend significant time on study, research, and journalling.
They serve as reminders for your self on what is important.
Find the deep ones, that talk of psychology. True recovery is mindset change, life view change. Its not about sex. Its about whats important to you.

 

[chat-addict]

Wauv, I think posting here is one of the best things I've done in my attempt to reboot.

57yrold - My plan is:
no PMO,
no P at all,
and only MO if it prevents me from slipping back into the chat-rooms. I just relapsed after 20 days, but after 15 days, I chose to MO because I was pretty sure that I would relapse if I didn't. So yes, MO, once in a while to protect myself from relapsing.
I am not planning on giving up sex, so "NO O" is not really in my plans... But I am aware of the chaser effect after sex...

I have a lot of things in my life I want to do : Run 3 times a week, swim once a week, have more time to practice my instrument, spend more time on meditating, spend more time cleaning the house, etc. So I should really just do these things because that's what I want to do... After I relapsed today, I didn't feel like doing any of those good, healthy things.

If I were to tell my wife anything, I would just call it regular PMO addiction. The symptoms/problems are the same. But I don't think I should tell her that I've spent 5 years MO with random girls in chat-rooms.... that would just hurt her too much...

TAN
1) Thanks for telling me - although I feel as if you just slapped me real hard in my face... I am afraid that you are right.
2) I know this, but thanks for reminding me. My goal is to remember this when the urge is strong.
3) Makes good sense. That should be possible to overcome.

 

[TakeActionNow]

CA,
Dont worry about addiction.its not about appeal. Its about choices.
Change is slow, but it will come. Give yourself time. But mostly give yourself broader purpose and reason.

My reason is I'll only live once.
I dont want to give myself, my time, my love and my energy to some one/thing/activity that doesnt appreciate it.
I'm giving it here though, as its more meaningful to me.
Its about pride, and its about appreciating whatever little we have that's worth cherishing. Its about staying in touch with our real lives, with real people.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Here's a little tip to help you along:
1. Think not of your desires but what you dont want.
2. Think not for short term returns but long term and long lasting rewards.

Coming to reboot is a good journey.
It has little to do with sex, but much more to do with returning to yourself. I know you will enjoy it. The long term rewards are tremendous.

 

[chat-addict]

This is day 2 - and I'm fine.

But I know that I'll be fine untill next Monday.
I have so much work to do, and a few concerts this week to prepare for - and most of the time I'll spend outside my home, so there will be no triggers and no opportunities. Besides I really don't have any urges right now, because I totally binged out Monday and thus released a lot o dopamine to keep me going for the next days....

But I am really scared about this next Monday. I know that I will be exhausted / physically and mentally tired after a tough weekend with concerts, rehearsals etc. But Monday is my day off, and I need AND deserve this day off - we all need free time to gather new energy and just relax.

This is what I want to do next Monday: I want to relax, listen to some nice music, run 3,5 miles and just do nothing. I have one hour of piano-teaching in the morning (from 8am to 9am) but after that I'll be alone in the house untill 3pm when my kids come home. I am afraid of these six hours. Because the urge will be strong, and my addiction will try to convince me that I deserve (and have the right to) binge out, because I've worked so hard. That's exactly what happened to days ago, after I went 20 days straight... (Maybe because I had sex with my wife Sunday night, so I was also hit by the chaser effect)

I know that you guys would suggest that I leave the house - but where should I go for 6 hours?!?!? I want to stay home and just relax, and I deserve to do this. On the other hand, I am fully aware that being home alone for 6 hours while being tired is a major, major trigger. And even if I should "survive" this next Monday - will I also be able to survive the next Monday, when the urge will be even stronger??

One other problem: Our kids are not that small so they want to stay up quite late on Friday and Saturday nights - but Sunday night they need to go to bed earlier because of school Monday. So Sunday night would often be the night, when my wife and I have time together alone. So Monday is My day Off - I'm alone in the house AND often hit by the chaser effect.

I am afraid of Mondays.... But Tuesday through Sunday, I know that I'll be fine.

 

[jjacks]

Hey, chat_addict, I faced a very similar dilemma to yours. I work in a private corner of our home and I know how difficult Mondays can be. (My wife knows not to disturb me while I am working). I was addicted to webcam chats too, and physically destroyed my webcam and closed all my accounts but that was still not enough -- being alone always led me back to pictures and pants down and, you know the rest.

So I started working in an open place. When my wife is around, in the dining room, not far from her workshop. When she is not, in front of an uncurtained window with a view from the street. 400 days later, I believe I have conquered the addiction. And the problem that brought me here in the first place, PIED, is pretty much history. This works!

Good luck with your reboot. Feel free to reach out any time. Stick with the program - the results are worth it.

-JJ

 

[chat-addict]

Hi JJacks - thx for your response. I actually just read through the first 2 pages of your journal - and yes our stories are quite similar.
Awesome that you are on day 400! How strong is your urge to relapse now compared to early in your reboot!?

Did you ever tell your wife about your addiction? I have not told mine.

Another trigger for me is that lots of guys in here have a motivation because they want to get rid of PIED. I am so fortunate that I do not suffer from that - I have plenty of sex with my wife. But I feel very bad and tired and all that stuff after a relapse - so I know that there should be major benefits if I am able to stop

 

[jjacks]

Relapse? The thought crosses my mind once in a while, even 400 days in, but now it is more like "this is what I would have done at this moment" instead of "this is what I need to do". It usually just dissipates, but I can just come and check in here and the ridiculousness of the whole idea becomes instantly clear. I still masturbate once in a while - most guys do -  but it is more like using a little extra soap in the shower, a purely self-indulgent physical thing, fun like a morning wood, and not something fake on the internet. My wife and I have sex more often than that, though.

I never told my wife, against some powerful advice to tell her. She was already a couple of years cancer-free and there was no way I was going to put any obstacles in the path of her healing. In retrospect, it was a good decision. But only because I stuck to the program and fought the temptation to relapse.

Bottom line, like any other addiction, you have to be vigilant going forward. A small price to pay, indeed, for a huge prize.

 

[chat-addict]

Jjacks -> I hope your wife is all right and still cancer-free.

If I can overcome this addiction without telling my wife - that would be the best thing to do. Why hurt her? The only good reason to tell her would be, if that is THE ONLY way to quit the addiction. I've tried to quit for about one year - but being on this forum and reading on ybop is new to me - so I'll see how far this community can take me without sharing anything with my wife!

I have one question - and I would really like advices from guys who have succeeded the reboot.

Let's say I am in a situation, where I am very, very close to relapse. Let's say that I have 4 hours ahead of me, and I feel that it's an impossible mission to fight the urge for that long. I may be able to fight for 30 minutes or one hour, but sooner or later I will relapse, and deep inside I know this! In this case, would it be advisable to MO? (without any kind of artificial P) just to find release and get myself out of the immediate danger?

I just went through 20 days straight, but on day 15 I chose to MO, because otherwise I would have relapsed that day. Then again.... 5 days later I relapsed anyway....

 

[57yrold]

If you're about to relapse, MO is NOT the best thing to do.

Exercise, meditate, go for a walk in nature, get out of the house, anything BUT MO.

 

[jjacks]

I agree with 57yo. Do anything else ... you will be wasting that time anyway so waste it cleaning the basement, looking for stuff to bring to the goodwill, making your Christmas shopping list, and so on. Or change current order of tasks if you can if you work at home.

Try to recognize the trigger in that situation that you think brings you close and find an alternative. Is it working alone? Go to a local wifi cafe to do your computer-related tasks.

It gets easier over time.
-jj

 

[chat-addict]

I'm on day 6 - clean.
As I thought - it's been quite easy. I've been very busy with enjoyable work / performances.
I got 4 hours of sleep last night - there was no way to get more sleep because of work
So obviously I'm exhausted right now - and heading for bed.
tomorrow from 9am to 3 pm I am alone in my house.
I'm scared....
I don't feel strong urge right now - but I know it will be there tomorrow when I actually have the opportunity - and really, really deserve a "day off".

I've made a list of things I could do instead - I can not complete the list in 6 hours - but the list consists of things I pretty much enjoy to do.
Tomorrow I can freely pick any task on the list - whichever I feel I want to do the most. As long as I stay strong and don't slip. I really hope that I can get through tomorrow. Then I should be fine for the entire next week (maybe a few hours in the danger-zone Thursday afternoon, but I should be able to manage that...).

I really hope that I'll get through tomorrow.

 

[chat-addict]

This Monday went beyond expectations.
I'm on day 7 - doing great.

No strong urge, really! I managed to do some tasks from my list - and I got outside the hours for 3 hours. I know being home by the computer is a trigger.

So it worked quite well for me to be prepared for the day: I knew that I would be in the danger-zone today - I prepared carefully for the day and thought about a long list of enjoyable doings I could do instead. It worked!

I may have a few hours in the danger-zone Thursday afternoon, but I should be able to manage that.

So, a week from now it'll be Monday again, and that will be the next Major challenge - because I'll be alone in the house for 5 hours. The urge will be stronger a week from now - I know that from previous attempts to reboot. I definetely need to make a detailed plan for my next Monday. Otherwise I might slip and I don't want that to happen.

-----

I assume there are two major benefits of "staying clean"

1) Less O's mean less sexual energy wasted through O - more energy for work, socializing and all that. I have already experienced how beneficial this can be - because the reward comes after a few days without O. And O with a partner/wife means A LOT less waste of energy than MO

2) I assume that there is a major benefit once the dopamine receptors go back to normal - I will be able to enjoy "the small things in life" much more - that's what a lot of guys who's been through this say! I have to admit that I have never been sticking to my reboot long enough to feel this award. But I will this time. I did manage to stay clean of chat-rooms for 2 months, but I watched regular P during the period - I won't this time.

 

[tiredofthe struggle]

Hi Chat Addict

Thanks for the reply to my post firstly.

Having read yours, our lives seem quite similar, met wife at 17/18, 2 children very similar age, no ED, still love wife, healthy sex life, yet struggle with this somewhat deceitful addiction.

My addiction is porn, but this has lead me to chase real interaction which i have also wondered is it because i have only ever been with the same woman, but i have learnt that doesnt really mean anything, another body doesnt improve anything for me, you cant better that natural interaction and attraction you have with the person you love.

Your addiction whilst a different source, i.e. the chat rooms is really just the same thing, its all about the chemical high you get in your brain, not the substance/source. All us addicts are the same i beleive, drugs, alcohol, sex etc make you feel good, we have programmed our brains to be stimulated by a certain course of action and we need to break that habit and replace it with good habits.

I really wish you well and will keep tabs on your progress.

All the best to you and your family

 

[chat-addict]

This is day zero.

after a few relapses - almost always on Mondays - I need to reset my counter. damn...

I did the following:
- taped a little piece of black paper on the webcam. I can easily take it off - but maybe i will remind myself not to...
- deleted Google Chrome - my favorite browser for PMO'ing
- changed the wallpaper on my desktop to a black background with the text : I want to break free. That my be a reminder too.
- I want to reinstall K9 web-blocker. I can bypass it, but it still serves as a reminder.
- I am going to leave my computer at work on Sundays (yes, I work on Sundays) and leave it there untill Tuesday, since I always relapse on Mondays.
- I am going to watch the video on the frontpage on RN (The Great P-experiment) every time I feel the slightest trigger.

Wish me luck...

 

[joepanic]

Good morning Chat addict

      Our stories are similar regarding chat  although I havent elaborated too much about it here  I can still quite understand  where you are coming from  I am now on day 32  no pmo at all  and no chat at all  although i have  watched a workout video with an attractive gal  it only served to mke me work out harder in my home gym  which is also a goal of mine      Did you leave your computer at work yesterday  how is your day going so far

    cheers

      Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[chat-addict]

JP -> thx for you feedback - and 32 days - that's great - keep going...

Yesterday I spent 3 hours relapsing with my computer - today is day one.

Maybe I learned a lesson: Every time I relapse and start over, I am very, very aware of triggers and planning out in details how to "survive" my Mondays, when I have the entire day alone in my house. And it actually seems to work. But after a few weeks, I losen my grip - maybe I think: These two previous Mondays, I did awesome, so I can survive another one. And then I forget to mentally prepare myself for the next Monday. Yesterday I relapsed badly - it came out of nowhere - and I did not plan in advance how to avoid a relapse.

 

[chat-addict]

I'm on day 4 - that's nothing to be proud of - yet!

I've several times experienced the major benefits in mood, energy and motivation that comes already after 2-3 weeks. That's great.
But I've yet to learn what's on the other side of a succesful reboot - say 90 days - with dopamine levels rebalanced.

I want to see what's on the other side. I WANT TO!!! I don't know what's on the other side. I'm curiuos. I want to go there.

This is what I've done:
- reinstalled K9 blocker
- thrown two pair of boxers in the trash (absurd, but they were major triggers!)
- uninstalled FLASH, which is needed for sex-chat
- covered my webcam with paper/tape

AndyM told me that I cannot rely on my will-power - that I need to buy a $500 blocker that I can't bypass, physically destroy my webcam in my $2800 macbook and so on.... But I know for sure that it will not work for me, if I don't WANT to quit.

And here's why all these things won't work if I don't WANT to quit:
- I know quite a bit about computers. I can bypass ANY blocker with or without the password. I'm not going to tell you how! I wish I couldn't!! But If I don't WANT to quit, I can just bypass the software-blocker

- I have other boxers (!) that I can use if I don't WANT to quit. But those I throw away were triggers....

- I can reinstall flash if I don't WANT to quit..

- If I destroyed my webcam physically, I could easily buy a $20 USB-webcam if I don't WANT to quit. That would happen sooner or later... (I actually tried several years ago, before webcams were integrated in a laptop - and I just suffered for a month then bought a new one....

If I don't WANT to quit there is only one way to success: Go to a far away island with no computers, no computer stores and no internet - and stay there for at least 90 days. That's just not possible...

If I stay at my house in my city with lots of computer stores I can only quit if I WANT TO!!!! I will bypass ANY obstacle if I don't WANT to quit.

---

So the way to win this battle for me is to keep WANTING to quit. TO KEEP WANTING.

And here's how I am going to do it keep WANTING to quit
- reading and writing here on RN
- especially reading WILLIAM's excellent journal here on RN
- watching "The great P experiment" video on RN's front page every time I feel the slightest urge. That makes the urges fade away before it turns from a weak urge to an uncontrollable relapse.
- leaving my computer at work as much as possible. This is written on my iPad - I said that I would leave my computer at work from Sunday to Tuesday. Today is Friday. I'm going to leave it until Tuesday. This is to avoid temptations! Of couse as far as my reboot goes, but also there would be life-improving aspects in spending less time on checking mails, news-sites, tech-sites and so on..

I'm on day 4. I WANT TO QUIT. I WANT TO LEARN WHAT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE 90 DAYS REBOOT