Reboot: Towards a happier & healthier life

[JB1997]

Hey jpv21,

Hang in there and keep working to beat this thing. Relapses are an understandable and acceptable step. Just accept that they did happen, and work to move past it so you can re-focus, and continue trying to beat this thing again. Keep going swimming, keep meditating every morning, and keep using that rower that you bought. That's awesome that you bought a rower to keep in your house so you can workout even on days you might not want to go out, or if there is bad weather. If your record is 10 days, go for 11 days. Then, I think you will probably feel good at 11, so go for 15, then after those 2 weeks, try to hit a month. Don't get caught up in the relapses, just stay focused and keep doing these other habbits that you have already mentioned.

Keep posting, I'd like to hear more about your journey.

 

[jpv21]

Last few days were horrible. It felt like my willpower was pretty much nonexistant, and my porn cravings were at 100% for 24/7. I relapsed several times in the last days.
Right now, I feel like a truck ran over my brain. I'm exhausted, have a headache, feel down and depressed. I'm not enjoying anything at the moment. My body is living, but I dont feel alive. I feel like a zombie hearing the clock tick the time away. I now stopped relapsing because I sucked out all energy of my penis. My sexual & emotional battery is completely drained.
I think I relapsed last days because I wanted to let go for a bit. Like I needed to experience what I am going through now, so I could now move on.
I'm 100% convinced that the only cause for me feeling horrible right now are the relapses. That is some extra fuel to continue fighting the good fight.

I've also learned quite a bit from these relapses. The thing is, this rebooting process is a lot more complex than I anticipated. My brain is using a lot of sneaky smart tricks to get me to relapse. It's not the physical/sexual cravings that are so risky and make me relapse.  It's the thought processes that outsmart me, which make me relapse. It's not just a matter of resisting relapses. I need to monitor my thoughts to fully be able to prevent a relapse.

I need to be focussed, and mindful. And I need to find more tricks to grow my willpower.

Let's restart the counter. Today is day 0. Let's beat the old record of 10 days.

Energy 4/10
Cravings 8/10
Happiness 2/10
Motivation/Willpower 3/10

 

[jpv21]

Hey jpv21,

Hang in there and keep working to beat this thing. Relapses are an understandable and acceptable step. Just accept that they did happen, and work to move past it so you can re-focus, and continue trying to beat this thing again. Keep going swimming, keep meditating every morning, and keep using that rower that you bought. That's awesome that you bought a rower to keep in your house so you can workout even on days you might not want to go out, or if there is bad weather. If your record is 10 days, go for 11 days. Then, I think you will probably feel good at 11, so go for 15, then after those 2 weeks, try to hit a month. Don't get caught up in the relapses, just stay focused and keep doing these other habbits that you have already mentioned.

Keep posting, I'd like to hear more about your journey.

Thanks!
That was exactly the kind of motivation I needed 

The more I think about the last 'week of failure', the more I realize this rebooting process is so much more than simply abstaining from porn. It's about completely changing my way of living.
Cause to be honest, my lifestyle in the last years has not been healthy. I barely excercised, had no proper house-cleaning routine, and spent most of my freetime behind a screen, watching movies, playing games, or watching porn. So it's not that strange I only have a handful of friends, am still a virgin, and never had a romantic relationship.

This rebooting process is about so much more than abstaining from porn... Its about eating healthy foods, excercising regularly, meet new people, make friends, find new hobbies and passions.
I hope, it changes my feeling from simply being alive to feeling alive: Live life to its fullest. 

 

[jpv21]

Day 1

Energy 6/10
Cravings 5/10
Happiness 6/10
Motivation/Willpower 7/10

Today went quite well. Woke up pretty tired though. Probably still the aftermath of how horrible I felt during the weekend.  Luckily, when I went to work I gradually started feeling better. Also my energy levels were remarkably good. I stayed at work until 18:30pm, and didn't really feel tired until I ended on the couch at home.

I felt some cravings this evening, but I recognized the mind tricks and was able to ignore them.

I feel I'm back on the good track.  Tomorrow morning I'm going swimming again, and I continued my meditation routine.  There is now another good thing I want to add to my life: Structure.
I've never really been good at planning, mostly because I just didn't bother.
I think I can achieve more calmness & peace in my mind if I properly structure my days. So that's the willpower challenge of this week. 

Also, I wanna sleep more. I used to sleep ~7,5hrs a day. But I think I should increase that to 8hrs a day. Hopefully that will help add some more energy to my batteries

 

[jpv21]

Pfff. What a week.  One of the emotionally most complicated weeks of my life. In terms of rebooting, it was a complete failure. I kept on relapsing and relapsing.
But, I got to know myself a whole lot better. It was a storm of fantasies, relapse, regret, doubt, extreme emotional incertainty.


So, I started this reboot journey at beginning of january, and had some first successful weeks; the 10 days without PMO/sex-chatting is a total record. The last time I abstained so long from orgasm is probably many many years ago. My body is so used to the daily PMO/sex-chatting release, I notice how addicted I am.

But, it is more complicated than that. Most of the sex-chatting & fapping I do, I am fantasizing about a fetish: BDSM. Being tied up & dominated by other men. I've had these feelings as long as I can remember. For sure from before I started fapping. The problem is, around the time I discovered these feelings, I started to mature sexually, and a bit later I discovered the internet full of pictures, stories, videos about BDSM.  Since then, I've been hooked. There have been periods where I was more into normal sex videos as well. But still, I have been fapping to BDSM stuff since my very first orgasm. My first orgasm was also from fapping to BDSM-porn. And over the years, the fantasies got more and more extreme.  I can now fap to fantasies that in real life could make me traumatized for life. Disgusting and extreme stuff. 

That was the main reason I started to learn about porn addiction and rebooting. So, I started abstaining from porn & fapping. But then, all these fantasies started to get bigger and bigger in my mind. Most of the relapses in the last month actually came from fapping & fantasizing, without porn. What makes the rebooting so difficult, I think, is that at its core, this BDSM fetish is part of who I am. I just know that. Just like I just know that I am gay. And I cannot change my sexuality.

Still, I've tried some BDSM stuff recently with dates. And I must say, it was like 5% of the excitement I have when I fantasize about it. So yes, there are some natural/original fantasies/interests that are kink/BDSM related.  But the fapping, fantasizing, sex-chatting, etc. has blown up these fantasies out of proportion, up until the point I cannot distinguish porn-induced fantasies from original fantasies anymore. 

Having tried some of these fantasies helps me realize that 95% of it is not really me, but porn/internet-induced.  Also, the fact that these fantasies started going crazy & started dominating my mind once I stopped fapping also show that there is an addiction here.

So, what to do now? To be honest, I don't know. Part of me wants to explore these fantasies a bit more in real life, to distinguish porn/internet-induced fantasies from the real ones. Still, perhaps it's better to first reboot for 30-60 days. To let the porn-induced fantasies fade away. And then discover which sexual interests are really part of who I am.

It is going to be an extremely though ride though. I'm a bit scared of what's to come if I would go for a reboot. These fantasies are gonna explode. It's gonna be a heavy storm, with a too easy short term escape: PMO.
So I need to feel 100% motivated to go for a reboot. And at this very moment, I'm not sure that I do......

For sure, I know I need to change the way I now live my life: I need to keep meditating, do regular excercise, and become more social. But what to do with these porn-induced fantasies, I don't fully know... I wanna get rid of them, as they are dominiating my mind. But if rebooting is the best way? How can I control/block these fantasies if I don't know if they are really part of me or porn-induced?

 

[jpv21]

Ok. So I have done some thinking. Or a lot of thinking would be more accurate.

Yes, part of the kinky fantasies are innate and part of who I am.  But at this point, I cannot distinguish them from the extreme porn-induced fantasies. PArt of the solution could/would be to try out these fantasies a bit more in real life.  But at this point, there is not really much point in doing that; I'm suffering form PIED and PIDE, so I'm not able to enjoy any real life sexual experience at this moment. 

Also, the bad side-effects of excessively fapping are getting more and more clear. It affects my mood at a far greater level than I thought.
Over the last years, I have regularly experienced 'unexplainable' negative emotional states, like being intensely irritated & angry for no reason, wanting to be alone, social anxiety, depression, etc.  I'ts now very clear to me that part of these experiences are caused by excessive fapping.

So clearly, I need to reduce this fapping. It doesn't really matter wheter I'm fapping to porn, sex-chatting, or fantasies. It's affecting me in a bad way.
Still, as I am a virgin and sexually almost compeletely inexperienced, I do want to start experimenting some more. How to balance that with rebooting, I'm not completely sure about. But for the coming months, I do want to follow 1 simple rule. No fapping to porn, pictures, sex-chatting, dating sites, etc. No 'digital orgams'.

If I would meet someone and we would start having sex, if it feels good & I am aroused, I won't hold back. But all artificial stimuli are forbidden now.

 

[jpv21]

Day 0

Mood: 7/10
Energy: 6/10
Willpower: 6/10
Anxiety: 6/10


So. Time to get back on track. No fapping & orgasming from artificial stimuli for the coming 30 days.
How do I feel after many days of relapsing & fapping?  Horrible. Absolutely horrible. I feel intensely irritated, like I always do after too many relapses. I can actually feel it happening in my brain. Like the silence after a big storm. The whole weekend, I spent watching tv, eathing unhealthy food, and fapping. This afternoon, I finally got myself together and started to clean up my home, did the dishes and the laundry. I also spent 15 minutes on my rowing trainer.  I now slowly start to feel a bit more normal now.

 

[jpv21]

Day 4.

Finally back on track.  No relapses till now.  My willpower is coming back, my motivation as well.
I did make the decision though to quit swimming in the morning. It is simply too early. Waking up at 6:15 instead of 7:30 has quite an impact on my day/night rythm. At the end, I do feel the good effects of the physical exercise, but I get too tired to benefit from it. In summer, I ususally go cycling in the evening with my racing bike. I now bought winter tires, proper lamps, and winter clothes: I wanna try to go cycling after work in the dark. We rarely have snow in my country, so that means cycling is no real problem if it doesn't rain. I just have to stay on the main roads when temperatures drop below 0C.
Exercise really really helps boost my willpower, mood and energy levels. So I hope this evening-cycling will work

Yoga on the fridays is also paying off. I begin the weekend fully relaxed, as I do now yoga on friday evening. After an hour of Yoga, I feel much more in contact with my body. It would not surprise me if this will also help rewire my brain a bit faster: Yoga may learn me to me focus more on the (sexual) sensations I feel in my body during, instead of focussing on pixels on a screen while fapping to porn/sex-chatting. Perhaps this will help me a bit to enjoy real sex even more once I finished the reboot

 

[jpv21]

Ok. So its been a while since I?ve posten something here. How am I doing? I?m for sure fighting this addiction. I?ve had some short streaks of 4-5 days, then a single relapse, and againg a streak for 4-5 days, etc.

So although I havent made it as far as 12+ days, I am making some progress. I also bought a book about sex/porn addiction, which is very helpful. It basically starts with teaching how to strengthen midfullness & willpower. When the willpower & mindfullness are sufficiently trained, the real battle begins: the true reboot.  I like this approach, as I think one of the reasons I kept failing to fight this addiction is because I didn?t have the willpower strength to do it.  Now I feel my willpower is slowly getting stronger. I?m into a meditation programme, where the goal of next week is to meditate at least 40 minutes each day. I?m curious how this will go.

Also I?m noticing a good development in my sexual interests. Some of the extreme porn videos I used to watch are now giving me mixed feelings. Yes, I still get a boner. But there is a resistance growing when I watch these videos. What is happening in these videos is extreme, not nice. My sexual interests are slowly evolving back towards the real, intimate, warm loving sex. It?s a slow process, but it is happening...

I?m now at day 4 of my streak. And it starts to get more easy to resist porn. My interest is fading. Only in my weak moments, I slip and watch porn. But I don?t enjoy it anymore. I?m closing the porn-chapter bit by bit.

 

[jpv21]

Ok. Let?s be honest. The last posts feel like I?ve been avoiding the true battle. The first weeks of january I did great, but since then it?s been back to normal.  Sure, I made some progress. But not by far as much as I wanted.

This meditation & mindfullness I?m doing now is for sure helpful. But I need to be tougher on myself. I gotta be strict. This isn?t working like this.  I need to re-start the proper reboot. 30+ days without porn & fapping. Period.

I do now clearly see that most of the extreme fantasies I?ve been fapping on are purely porn-induced. I would never-ever want to experience them real-life.  So. I have to stop kidding myself!!!

The only way out is reboot.  Come on, Pieter. Stop fapping. Be tough!!!

 

[jpv21]

Day 4.

The focus is back on the reboot.  The book I bought is very helpful. It helps me step by step with mindfullness training & willpower training to detect triggers and act accordingly. Part of the book are excercises to train this. I?ll share these exercises with you. Today I did a questionairre about my triggers:

Porn Triggers
1. Imagine you are about to use Porn. Where are you?
? At home. On the couch or behind my desk.

2. What would you use to watch porn?
? My laptop, ipad, iphone or desktop computer
? ?> Do you have porn blockers installed? No

3. What time of the day would it be?
? In the weekdays, always in the evening. Very rarely in the morning
? In the weekends, could be any time of the day

4. What would you do immediately before using porn?
? Watch TV
? Surfing the internet
? Looking at (non-sex) dating apps like Tinder

5. What emotions would you experience before viewing porn?
? Anxiety
? Stress
? Loneliness
? Feeling ?not good enough? because I?m sexually inexperienced
? Boredom
?
6. What would usually happen before you used porn?
? Vague question. But one big trigger: smelly feet

7. In what ways are you putting your self at risk of relapsing?
? Browsing the internet/dating apps needlessly
? Watching e.g. 50 shades of grey
? Watching ?just that one video?
? ?Just looking once on that seks-dating website?
?
8. Are you part of any fetish subculture, and how can you limit your involvement in that subculture?
? BDSM: Account on Recon/Gayromeo, etc.
i. Solution: Delete account and don?t make a new one

9. What difficult situations or feelings could trigger your porn use?
? Negative feedback at work
? Not being able to sleep
? Feeling insecure about still being a virgin
? Feeling ?not being good enough? to date someone
? Stress of important deadlines

10. In your daily routine, when are you most vurnable to relapse to porn?
? Right after dinner when I?m sitting on the couch
? In the weekends: In the morning/early afternoon when I?m sitting on the couch

11. Many relapses are triggered by stress. Name a few examples of stressful situations that trigger your porn use
? Big presentation the next morning
? Too big workload
? Feeling insecure for e.g. A date.
? Feeling that I?m not good enough for someone I like or want to impress

12. When you experience urges or cravings, what do you feel?
? Tense
? Feeling like the current world is not so nice, but if I do porn I can escape it and enter ?the good world?
? Unable to focus on anything but Porn/Fapping
? Nothing matters, only porn

13. What feelings place you at greatest risk for relapse?
? Feeling ?not good enough? for someone I like and want to date.



14. These are the characteristics of my porn addicition:
i. I hide my porn from others
ii. I lie to maintain contact with porn
iii. I have an addicted nature
iv. I turn to porn when Im bored
v. My greatest sexual satisfaction occurs when i watch porn
vi. I use porn when I feel distressed and want to feel better
vii. I turn to porn instead of real people for comfort
viii. I continue to use porn even though it is inconsistent with my values and beliefs
ix. I prefer to use porn alone
x. My sexual interests have become more extreme since I watch porn

15. 3 triggers that tell me I?m close to use porn
1. I am bored and alone
2. I am desparate for some sexual intimacy but feel insecure
3. I am needlessly browsing the internet
4. I am enjoying the smell from my dirty socks.



I must say, this questionairre is very helpful. It shows me in what situations I have to be extra alert & mindful. Last night and this afternoon, I think I already prevented a relapse.
Right now it is very tough. I am experiencing some very strong cravings. I think I?ll just go to bed early and sleep through them.

 

[skyislimit]

Hey man
You seem to be very self aware.. And that is awesome! It will lead you to a good result if you recognize this. Also, set small goals along the way! I think this will help you recognize your long term goal. Don't let just a few moments of pleasure and dopamine rush delay your future boyfriend/sexual function/wellbeing!
Keep it up!

 

[jpv21]

It?s been a few weeks since I?ve been posting here.
Not much has changed since. The truth is, I?ve had some pretty shitty weeks since I started this fight. Its like the harder I fight this addiction, the harder it fights back.
I?ve come to the very sad realization that I?m far more addicted than I thought I was. When I stop fapping, all the big problems I?ve been avoiding for many many years start attacking me. I need to solve these problems in order to be really free from my addiction.

My biggest problem is utter utter loneliness. I have only 3 friends right now, and I only see then 1-2x a month. For the rest, I am alone. I do have a job I love, which is basically my biggest hobby. But besides work, I have nothing. So every empty weekend, every extra day off is utter utter boredom.

Therefore, naturally, most of these days off end up in relapse: my ony distraction and source of ?joy? in these days is fapping. Now I?m stopping with fapping, weekends are extremely depressing. I simply have nothing to do and no-one to talk to for 48 hours. The only people I talk to are the people in the supermarked asking if I want a reciept.

To try and solve this, I now joined the local climbing association. I?ve always loved the outdoors, and would like make new friends. My social anxiety is not making this easy for me, but I do feel I cannot screw this up.  I significantly more social interactions and friends in my life to climb out of this deep dark pit.

Still, I?m doing a bit better with nofap than before I started. I used to fap every single day at least twice a day. No I fap perhaps 1-2 times a week. It?s still not 0, but already a lot better than 3 months back. I hope that once I?m living a more active and social life, that I can finally ditch this porn addiction.

 

[jpv21]

Wow. 1,5 month since I've been online at Reboot nation.

Truth is, I have not been doing well for quite a while in terms of my addiction. It's like I forgot I need to stop this addiction. I went rock-bottom and stayed there for some weeks.
It was a big confirmation of what I already knew. Life is not worth living when I'm fapping to porn/sex-chatting. It's a fake life, an empty life. A lonely life.

So I started fighting the addiction once more. The last 3 weeks were better. I reached a 10-day streak recently, for the first time in quite a while. After 10 days I relapsed big time. And now I'm 6 days into my next streak. I hope I now can finally start closing this chapter.

I started here on rebootnation in January, and thought I could 'just' decide to stop. I started pretty good, with exercising, meditating, adding structure to my life, etc.  And then the addiction struck back big time. This thing is so much bigger than I originally thought... I made a sort of summary of what I learned in the last 5 months about this monster:

Effects of Relapsing on my well-being:
- The general 'joy of life' dissapears. After a series of relapses, I feel slow, empty, numb
- My motivation to do good & healthy things weakens
- Any normal sexual & romantic interest in other guys completely dissapears
- I feel extremely lonely. Any interest in other people completely dissapears.

Effects of Rebooting:
- I feel more 'fresh' and energetic
- I feel motivated to do healthy things s.a. exercise, eating healthy, etc.
- I enjoy life more.
- I am less stressed, and more focused
- I truly enjoy the company of other people

Right now, 6 days after the last series of relapses, I feel I still did not start recovering. I still feel empty, numb, agitated. Like any structure, motivation and joy in my life is gone. At least I did not feel the cravings really starting yet. The only way out is to go throught it. I should start to feel a bit better soon...

I know what I really want. I don't want porn/sex-chatting in my life. I don't want meaningless sex-dates, one-night stands.  I want to meet someone special. I want to get really close with someone. Fall in love. Love someone. And only then, I want to have sex and reach orgasm. I want it to mean something. I want to feel good afterwards, not disgusted, frustrated and lonely.

So, I made myself a promise. When I'm 'clean' for 60+ days, I will start to assess how I feel. If after 60+ days I feel ready, I can start dating. This is my motivation. My reward. I don't care anymore about anything else anymore. This just needs to work. I need to beat this once and for all. And then finally, after 27 years, hopefully meet someone I care so much about, I want to become intimate with.

 

[jpv21]

Day 10 already.

Finally I'm starting to feel a little bit better again. Some Joy and "life energy" is returning. I still experience brainfog, numbness, etc. But it is slowly getting less. My motivation for things like small household tasks is getting increasing. Last night I vacuumed my house, and did the dishes. at 22:30 PM. Normally in a mid-week evening I feel no motivation to do anything at all.

Still I feel I have a long way to go. The cravings are starting to get more frequent. But they are not very strong yet, so I can handle them. Perhaps my meditation is also finally starting to pay off, and I am getting stronger to resist the cravings. One thing that really helps me, is to use the power of rational thinking. Whenever a craving appears, I ask myself "do you really want this?". And this answer is mostly "no" as they are extreme porn-induced fantasies.
However, I also notice that my cravings/fantasies are slowly changing. The extreme SM-porn fantasies I used to fap to are getting less interesting. I'm slowly starting to feel what my real sexual interests are about: warmth, intimacy, connection, etc;  instead of lust, hard-porn, dominance, etc... But when these kind of 'good' cravings appear, I ask myself "are you ready for this?". And also that answer is "no". I know I will not have a healthy boner/orgasm if I would now start to do 'normal' sex. My body just doestn't feel healed yet.

So, let's continue this healing journey. Let's go to 20 days no PMO!

 

[jpv21]

Wow. Just came really really close to relapse.

I started chatting again. Got a bit horny. But then I realised what I was doing. Like an inner voice was telling me "dude, what are you doing?!"
And suddenly my interest weakened. My willpower came back. And I immediately removed the chatting app. No orgasm. No relapse.

So what stopped me? I guess the realization that I don't really wanted to be chatting. The realization that the only thing I want is to get healed. And that the only reason I was chatting, was that my addicted brain wanted me to fap to orgasm.

I'm so thankful I didn't relapse... Guess it gives me quite a confidence boost.. That even when I lose control over strong craving, I can still always fight back. 

So. Still at day 10. Let's continue the reboot.

 

[jpv21]

Day 13. Relapse.
Ok. I was not looking at porn or sex-chatting. But I was fapping about porn-induced fantasies. So I still count it as a relapse.

I think these fantasies are the hardest part of the reboot. They are way stronger than the porn/sex-chatting cravings. The issue is that these fantasies have, in it?s core some true natural fantasies in them. Porn has blown them out of proportion. They are fantasies about BDSM. Being tied up and dominated. Part of it is an inherent part of who I am. But thanks to porn, they have become more and more extreme over time. I think that is the true battle I?m fighting. 99% of the porn I used to watch was extreme BDSM porn. And that is the problem. That is why i?m still single. My biggest fear is that I won?t be able to like normal sex anymore because the BDSM fantasies are so blown out of proportion.

I?m afraid that when I?ll start dating guys, I will only be able to get a hard on if we do BDSM-stuff.

The ironic thing is that I?ve done some real BDSM things in the past. And I never really liked it. It?s not that I disliked it, I just didn?t turn me on. It did nothing with me.  Why? Probably because I didn?t feel a connection with my dates.

Sometimes I wonder. Do I really have PIED/PIDE? The only times I experienced this was during these BDSM dates. Maybe I had the PIDE/PIED symptoms because I simply wasn?t horny. Because I felt no connection with my dates?

The only way to test this is to find someone. Someone I like/love and who feels the same about me.
What if the reason I keep relapsing is because I am fighting my bodies natural need for intimacy & sex? I?m still a virgin, how do I know I am really suffering from PIED/PIDE?
But what if I finally find someone I like & love, and then discover I do really suffer from PIED/PIDE?

I don?t know. I really don?t know.  But I need an answer. Because I need to answer this to break the cycle of relapses....

 

[jpv21]

Day 7.  So far so good.
I think after the last relapse I went into a sort of semi-flatline. No sexual thoughts/cravings. Only now I feel some sexual energy coming back. No strong cravings for Porn, more geniune sexual interest in guys. So perhaps that is a sign I'm healing. Whether I would be able to perform sexually again I'm not sure, but I do feel some sexual enery flowing through me I haven't experienced in years.
My interest for Porn is now also pretty much nonexistent. Only when I see a hot guy, sometimes some cravings to fap and fantasize come up. But I know how to control myself

So I'll continue this healing road. And I'm proud of myself. The last 31 days I only relapsed on PMO once, and MO once. So there definately is progress..

 

[jpv21]

Day 13.
Still no porn craving. Haven't visited any porn sites in a long long time.
I'm definitely breaking personal records here. I also feel that my natural sex drive is coming back. I know it's not porn induced aousal.. This comes from deeper inside me. This feels natural. This is part of me.

Also every day I wake up with a rock hard boner. Feels like it's about to explode sometimes.
So these are all good developments. I feel so good, I'm ready to start experimenting with some real inimacy. I have a date tomorrow with someone I 'played' with before. I'm not planning "full sex" perhaps, orgasm is not my goal. I just want to see if I can enjoy real intimacy more than I used to.

Very curious about tomorrow

 

[jpv21]

Hi All,

It's been more than 1,5 months since my last post. That date I was talking about never showed up. My sexual tension got up so high, that I relapsed to porn again. I tumbled back down into a long series of relapses. Im basically back to square 1 again. Im basically still going downhill. Im feeling quite depressed, empty. It's like my body is telling me "please no, not another series of relapses". I can't do this anymore.

I've come to a realization. I cannot solve this porn addiction if I don't solve the other problems I've been having. I've tried to solve them, but have failed every time.
I've decided to seek professional help from a therapist. On wednesday I have my first appointment with her.

The underlying problem of my porn addiction is that I'm suffering from social anxiety. It makes me avoid social situations, which results in me having almost no friends, and being single for already 27 years. So, I'm quite lonely. I love my job, but in my free time I'm bored, alone and depressed. I need to fix this anxiety. Whether this anxiety is porn-induced, I don't know. But it keeps me sort of 'locked up'. As long as I don't get more friends, a hobby, and something that I truly enjoy, I won't be able to get out of this addiction.

This is what I will be talking about with my new therapist. I hope she can help. Cause I for sure cannot do this alone.