Broccolini's diary

[whereismoxy]

like the gentleman above me mentioned, there is a strong correlation between porn addiction and internet addiction.  maybe for now, we just focus on the porn, then reboot and fight our internet addiction.

good luck & glad too see your still fighting the good fight

 

[broccolini]

Thanks guys!

My opinion is, I've tried both approaches before: the "cold turkey/let's get totally serious about this" approach and the "let's chip away at one addiction at a time and do anything I need to just to overcome the PMO".  In my experience the first approach wins hands down.  When you really get serious about being free from all addiction you get a real sense of mental commitment to the process, and a sense that you CAN do this and that massive benefits are just around the corner.  If you take the other approach you're already going in with a defeatist mindset along the lines of "I'm so hopelessly addicted, I just need to do what I can for the moment" vs. the empowering mindset of "Let's DO this!"  You'll probably also find that the benefits (and hence the motivation) don't come so noticeably and that it's harder to establish healthy brain patterns.  That's my experience, anyway.  So that's why for me, I'm dealing with food and alcohol straight away.  I don't really have an internet addiction but I have a mild phone dependency, so I will be starting to work on that very soon also.  As well as avoiding TV, which - although not an addiction at the moment - would definitely prevent me from developing new healthy habits and could easily become a crutch/addiction to use in place of the other things.  Btw part of the reason I don't have an internet addiction is because I've had the internet blocked at home for years to try and deal with the porn, so I haven't really had the opportunity.  I leave the internet password at work so I can do things I *need* to do while on my breaks, but can't waste hours at home.  Something to consider if it's an option.  But of course, you have to be strict with not taking the password home, which has been a problem for me in the past.  Not anymore.

 

[broccolini]

Day 15
Had a really good day today.  Perhaps it?s the combination of 15 days no PMO and eating properly.  Still felt very foggy headed and most likely will for the next couple of months until the detox finishes but despite that, felt quite positive.  Even had a few glimpses of.....?happiness? again?

Was watching some funny video that had girls in it and noticed just how beautiful they are.  Can?t wait until when/if I find my own.  It?s not that I didn?t notice them in the past, it?s just that I was too preoccupied with wanting to rip their clothes off to be able to notice much about them as people.  Now I see them much more as people and I loooove them.  If I get all the reported confidence benefits from quitting addictions I can see myself going up to them in the street and randomly asking for hugs in a few weeks, since I already feel the compulsion to do that.  Which probably isn?t such a great thing; it might be better if I don?t get arrested at any point during this reboot.

Anyway, the food/alcohol thing is going well.  Very little desire to eat or drink poorly at the moment, although I?m sure that will change over the weekend.  Hopefully the good mood continues and gives me motivation to stick with it.  If I keep feeling like this consistently there will be very little temptation to binge on anything.

 

[broccolini]

Day 16

I never thought this would have such noticeable effects on my social skills - I always thought I was just naturally socially awkward.  While that is still true and I have a long way to go, already I'm amazed by how much more social and positive I've become.  I've been talking a lot more to the attractive girl that sits next to me at work (I'll call her "Fiona") and a couple of times when I had to show her something she came and sat right in my aura zone.  She's never done that before.  At night we were doing overtime alone and she was laughing at everything I said, funny or not.  We were both finding silly, random reasons just to start talking to each other in between working.  I spotted that she'd made a mistake with something so I deliberately saved it up and used it as an excuse to give her a playful whack on the head with some papers.  That took some courage and I was very tempted not to do it, but she took it well and just laughed.  I'm still kind of awkward and boring with conversation but I must be doing OK if she keeps talking to me.  I think that will improve once the detox ends and I have a clearer head and clearer voice.

I did get a bit annoyed and jealous when I found out secretly that she's going to be our new team leader -something that was promised to me at one stage, before she joined the team.  The company is very female-dominated in management and they seem to get all the promotions.  Whenever there's a poster about career progression they always show a photo of some confident, attractive young go-geting woman.  So naturally, because she's that sort of person she got the job.  Reminds me of how Burrell Smith, the guy who designed the original Macintosh, couldn't get a job in Apple's engineering department.  One day he noticed that all the engineers had beards so he grew a beard and immediately got a job there.  If you look the part, you get the job.  Anyway, to make this relevant: the last time this exact thing happened was about 6 months ago.  I was passed over in favour of the young attractive go-getter.  I was extremely angry and jealous and actually considered resigning.  This time it annoyed me a little bit and then I got over it and resumed being flirty.  That could be partly because she's less of a terrible choice than the last girl, but I'm sure not indulging my addictions has made me more emotionally resilient too.

Porn......what's that again??

 

[whereismoxy]

i just want too mention this real quick

were both at 16, 17 days respectively & i noticed after the two week period of no PMO, im much more social, i can hold eye contact with females more frequently, & im not  stuck "in my head" as much.  i guess there is less shame too carry around with me.

glad youre having fun!

 

[PE30]

Just quickly because I'm on leave today and so I'm not going to be on my phone much: you're doing so well! Keep it up. And start thinking resilience. Things are going great now and I hope they continue, but life throws blips at us. Think: what am I going to do in that situation? Go back to porn or come up with a better coping mechanism?

Really glad to see the effect this has had on your confidence

 

[broccolini]

i just want too mention this real quick

were both at 16, 17 days respectively & i noticed after the two week period of no PMO, im much more social, i can hold eye contact with females more frequently, & im not  stuck "in my head" as much.  i guess there is less shame too carry around with me.

glad youre having fun!

Yeah that's exactly what I'm noticing - I can just enjoy connecting with people instead of worrying about whether I'm saying the right thing or whatever.  It's a great feeling.

 

[broccolini]

Thanks PE30 and yes, you're right. It's a difficult question because I don't have any hobbies I can just pick up and do at any moment, and also don't really have any friends so can't use them either.  One of the things that's interesting about this attempt though is just that I am determined to succeed so much.  In all other attempts it's been a constant war, with my groin forever attempting to outsmart my brain, and vice-versa in calmer moments.  This time I hope so much to gain the benefits and am scared of porn whereas before I was scared of that big open void without porn and hoped so much (subconsciously at least) to fall so that I could go back to the warm bosom of addiction.  I think that's an important attitude shift everyone needs to succeed.

Day 17l
Very very tired today.  Despite that, did not return to my old grumpy self but was still more sociable than usual! Good sign!  I was expecting to crash down from my high at any moment but it hasn't happened yet.  A couple of bad things though: I'm starting to get addicted to funny videos, which I already knew would be a problem when I started watching them a week ago as an escape/attempt to get more laughter into my life.  So I have to make a commitment about those over the weekend, to at least massively limit them.  And second bad thing: one of the videos, while ostensibly innocent, had a girl in a bikini in it.  Unfortunately I rewound that section and watched it again (it went for about 5 seconds) before immediately stopping and deleting the video.  A pretty microscopic fall but it still left me with a bad taste in my mouth.  At least it didn't send me into a spiral of desire like I would have expected, though.

 

[DavePaular]

Day 17 is pretty great as for me it's the first 2-5 days the hardest usually but maintaining it after 2 weeks, it was always. Good job!
I like to focus on getting a good routine of exercise, ever alone with a lot of motivational talks in my ipod or with people around who want to push themselves too. The body is a strong push when we keep building it. I always start with it because it gave me a lot of confidence in me, and towards my relationships with people, after I spent so much time working on my body and inner balance and strength. You become naturally attractive to people, guys or girls, as you attract yourself first and like yourself genuinly. It took me a lot of time as I was going through things, like loose my hair. Now it makes me smile inside because I remember it was difficult to look at myself in a mirror and feeling like I liked my image. Now I shave my head and grow a beard and I am attracting a lot of people, and most importantly I like myself. And I think that's because I spend months and years to work on myself, investing on myself, buy new close that I wasn't use it to wear because I had this teenager attitude of not wanting to dress up. Now I look like a nice young man and people ask me and look at me with interest for themselves too. Anyway, just to say, the hardest is what you are doing to me, to work to get better, and that's great. Reading your logs, I am actually surprised how what you say about your being shy and actually what I read, your feeling and thoughts, I am thinking you look like a very cool guy to be honest and interesting to listen to. I am pretty when you will be more comfortable, you will attract a lot of people, guys and girls.
Cheers mate

 

[PE30]

Hey - well done on persevering even through difficult times. Be especially vigilant today! My experience is that minor slips can end up leading to greater transgressions if you're not careful.

In terms of friends: I think you just need to be yourself. It's been interesting reading how you've felt more confident and likeable during your reboot. Why not ask someone if they want to go and watch a film or go for a coffee or whatever? Not necessarily in a romantic way, but just to get to know someone. They might be waiting for someone to do so.

You're doing really well, though.

 

[broccolini]

Day 17 is pretty great as for me it's the first 2-5 days the hardest usually but maintaining it after 2 weeks, it was always. Good job!
I like to focus on getting a good routine of exercise, ever alone with a lot of motivational talks in my ipod or with people around who want to push themselves too. The body is a strong push when we keep building it. I always start with it because it gave me a lot of confidence in me, and towards my relationships with people, after I spent so much time working on my body and inner balance and strength. You become naturally attractive to people, guys or girls, as you attract yourself first and like yourself genuinly. It took me a lot of time as I was going through things, like loose my hair. Now it makes me smile inside because I remember it was difficult to look at myself in a mirror and feeling like I liked my image. Now I shave my head and grow a beard and I am attracting a lot of people, and most importantly I like myself. And I think that's because I spend months and years to work on myself, investing on myself, buy new close that I wasn't use it to wear because I had this teenager attitude of not wanting to dress up. Now I look like a nice young man and people ask me and look at me with interest for themselves too. Anyway, just to say, the hardest is what you are doing to me, to work to get better, and that's great. Reading your logs, I am actually surprised how what you say about your being shy and actually what I read, your feeling and thoughts, I am thinking you look like a very cool guy to be honest and interesting to listen to. I am pretty when you will be more comfortable, you will attract a lot of people, guys and girls.
Cheers mate

Thanks Viper Yeah I've always been very likeable and kind, just that I spoil it by having too many mood swings and being grumpy and introverted a lot of the time.  But I've always felt that I was a charming alpha extrovert held back by my own insecurities, rather than a genuine introvert antisocial.  Glad to hear you've got the motivation to start some positive routines and improve yourself too!

 

[broccolini]

Hey - well done on persevering even through difficult times. Be especially vigilant today! My experience is that minor slips can end up leading to greater transgressions if you're not careful.

In terms of friends: I think you just need to be yourself. It's been interesting reading how you've felt more confident and likeable during your reboot. Why not ask someone if they want to go and watch a film or go for a coffee or whatever? Not necessarily in a romantic way, but just to get to know someone. They might be waiting for someone to do so.

You're doing really well, though.

Thanks PE!  Yeah normally I need to be extra vigilant after little falls but it's funny, this time it didn't seem to affect me at all.  It was just "oh maaaan she looks sooooo niiiiiice" *drool* for about 5 seconds and then on with life! 

Not quite so easy to just ask people out, especially as I really don't have the same interests as most people.  I'm not into pop culture/TV/sport etc. which makes it hard.  But anyway, we'll see how I feel in a month or so, maybe my confidence will grow to that kind of level.

 

[broccolini]

Day 18

Extremely tired again.  Thought I was about due to head back into grumpy antisocial Broccolini mode, but as soon as I got into work and saw Fiona, I effortlessly greeted her with ?I?m greeeeeeeat, how are you?!?  And that pretty much set the tone for the rest of the day, despite the tiredness.  I deliberately made a big effort to keep eye contact with her whenever I spoke to her and although I found it awkward, I found it so intoxicatingly enjoyable that I was able to keep doing it anyway.  Fiona invited me to after work drinks - she wasn?t asking me out or anything, just being friendly.  Was too tired to go but it was nice that someone reacted that positively to me. I said I might go next week.

Day 19
Went to lunch with my Mom and brother.  Made a strong effort to maintain eye contact with my brother at all times and noticed that he was constantly shifting his gaze.  Also noticed how bad his posture is compared to mine now.  He looked like a crumpled heap.  When mom took a photo of us she said afterwards ?How come Broccolini smiles and you don?t??  I felt kinda bad for him.  No idea if he?s fapping but there?s a good chance just based on probability.  Made an effort to smile at the waitresses and - imagine my shock - they actually smiled back! Usually a little sheepishly like they were shy about receiving my attention!  It feels sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo gooooooooooooooooooooood when you make a girl blush.    Fapping to pornhub just cannot compare.  Our waitress at the first place had a gap in her teeth and a slightly raspy voice - not someone I?d normally consider attractive but all I could notice was what lovely hair and skin she had.  Depsite not being conventionally attractive, she still seemed beautiful to me.  Such a change in perspective.
Had to do some shopping after that and was in a super-positive mood for the rest of the day.  Kind of expecting to crash down at any minute and go right back into super-negative grumpy mode, as has always happened in the past.  But no sign of it yet!!?

Day 20
Guys, I can?t....even.....
That?s all I can say.  I?m so happy that I just don?t even know how to deal with it.  I?ve been making eye contact with everyone and smiling at them.
I was listening to a song earlier (?Tomorrow? from ?Annie? lol) and for some reason it made me super emotional.  I had to just lie down and cry tears of joy.  For absolutely no reason.  That has, like, never happened.  The day I got engaged to my ex I wasn?t happy but I am today.  I feel a massive overload of sexual energy but it?s all in my chest instead of in my groin.  It just makes me want to hug every girl I see and tell her she?s beautiful.  I saw a girl in the street jogging - she was a bit overweight and had a plain face but I just wished I could hug her and say ?don?t worry sweetheart, you?re still beautiful.  God loves you.?  Went to a cafe in the afternoon and gave the waitress a big smile and a cheerful ?thank you so much!?  She had purple hair and normally I would have just thought ?Eww, what a freak? but she had a lovely, kind face and she gave me a smile back that melted my heart.    When I left the cafe I said another thank you to her so I could get another smile back.  I think I?m addicted to girls? smiles now.  XD  Maybe if more people smiled at her like that she wouldn?t feel the need for the silly hair.
I?m still severely lacking in confidence and get nervous at the thought of making conversation or confronting people, but hopefully that will change in time.  That?s not really bothering me at the moment.  Right now the only thing that?s bothering me is I seriously don?t know how to deal with this much happiness, it?s totally foreign to me - definitely a little out of my comfort zone.  But oh well, good problem to have!
I should point out that I don?t think this is 100% PMO abstinence - I have also been doing some energy healing work, as well as the Neuroptimal neurofeedback sessions.  I?m not sure how much each one has contributed to it but PMO was obviously the missing piece that stopped everything else from falling into place.

 

[PE30]

This is really heartwarming stuff to read. I'm so glad for you that your reboot is having such a positive impact on your life. it sounds like your taking things at a good, sensible pace too, not rushing things with Fiona but allowing a friendship to develop.

Stay strong this week! You can do it.

 

[broccolini]

Thanks for your support as always, PE.  To be honest I doubt anything with happen with "Fiona", for starters I'm still not confident enough to be attractive to women (except the bossy ones ) but it's still good to have female attention and hone my skills a little.

Day 21

After calm seas in my pants the last week, I woke up today with the Apollo 13 rocket ready for launch.  I say Apollo 13 because it wasn?t quite capable of flying to the moon yet, but we?re getting there.  It?s a great feeling to wake up with a female-seeking nuclear missile in your pocket, even if it?s a work in progress.  I used to roll out of bed at the sound of the alarm and dread the thought of the day ahead but this morning it felt like the two of us could conquer the world and establish a really weird global dictatorship together.  Anyway, that was probably way more information than anyone needed, but it?s almost like it says to you ?come on, rise and shine!  The sooner you get up, the sooner we can meet some CHICKS!?  I said ?almost? by the way.  It doesn?t actually talk to me.  I sincerely hope my withdrawal symptoms don?t reach the talking doodle level until at least week 6.

Ridiculously tired again, but so was ?Fiona? so it gave us something to talk about.  I felt a sense of excitement and sexual energy in my chest whenever she came near me.  When we had to walk to a meeting in another room she walked really close to me.  Not close enough to assume she?s interested, but close enough that I felt energy from it, and II can tell you that a few weeks ago she would have given me much more distance than that.
Later on I threw a balloon at her hard while she wasn?t looking.  XD  Unfortunately she caught me checking her out at one point.

Overall I?m not on the same level of high as yesterday, but that?s not really surprising.
Porn doesn?t even cross my mind these days.  Last time was while I was sleeping in on Saturday morning; some images went through my head but there was still NO desire to look.  The flashbacks mostly consist of one girl that I only discovered about 3 weeks before I quit.  Bad timing!  My attitude towards looking at women has changed too - yes it?s still very hard to control my eyes but I? notice their faces and the whole package more instead of just uncontrollably checking out their butts, curves and legs all the time like an amorous beast.

Only thing that concerns me a little bit is I feel like I?m getting addicted to playiful female attention.  While that?s certainly much better, and it?s helping to rewire me to think ?excess sexual energy = talk to chiiiiiiiiiiiicks; not porn?, I hate that I always end up addicted to something.

 

[PE30]

You know, I wouldn't despise your shyness. Reason being is this: I think sometimes it's good to take things at a slow pace. I was always cripplingly shy with the opposite sex - I was absolutely fine as a friend but I was terrible at asking people out. Before my wife and I were going out, it took me six months to pluck up the courage to tell her how I felt! And actually, she tells me that she'd probably not have said yes if I'd asked her immediately. So if it takes you a few weeks to pluck up the courage, it's no bad thing.

Keep going

 

[broccolini]

Thanks PE.    I think it would take more than a few weeks, haha.  But given the way things are going and the incredible changes I've seen in the past 22 days, who knows!!  XD

Day 22
Train was late in the morning.  Became very grumpy.  A bit annoyed with myself and felt like I was slipping back into my old ways.  But not so!  As soon as I got into work I was talking to people and feeling better already. 

During overtime when there were maybe 10 people left on the floor, I was making jokes with one of the extrovert managers from one side of the floor to the other.  That?s not something I would have done a few weeks ago.

Got a reply from a girl on a dating site that I was just about ready to quit from a few weeks ago.  She seems potentially extremely compatible, which is always a minor miracle in itself with me.  We?ll see how that goes.  That would be nice if she were because that?s my only complaint at the moment - so much love for everyone and no-one to share it with.   Not quite hugging lamp-poles yet but probably not too far off either.

When I got home I had to cook dinner and clean up, and then had no time left for anything except going to bed.  That made me a little tired and frustrated but I noticed that even when irritating things happened I was much more in control, whereas previously I would have flown into an orgy of irritation and anger.

 

[broccolini]

Day 23

A bit grumpy again today at times.  I don't like that that's creeping back in, but I guess I'm still overwhelmingly better than I was 23 days ago.  Still feeling very much more positive and extroverted than usual.  And still feeling no desire to look at anything.  So far in 23 days I've been seriously tempted once, in the first week.  That's it.  Every other temptation i've felt powerfully for a few seconds or minutes and then have been able to easily move on.  Something is very different this time and the main thing I can identify is the constant reflecting on the benefits by reading the PDF file of benefits from YBOP for 30 minutes each day.  Try it guys - it really changes your perspective from "this is sooo hard, my cravings are sooo baaaad" to "wooohooo, soon I'm going to have all these benefits".

 

[broccolini]

Day 24

Well, some good and bad stuff today.  Was grumpy in the morning again and quite tired and listless during the day.  Despite this, I was still joking around with my workmates and being much more extroverted than normal.  Sent a few joke replies to people through email that they found funny too - wouldn?t have done in the past for fear of being ?misinterpreted? or something.  So that?s the positive.  The negative part is, the girl that seemed potentially perfect for me on the dating site updated her profile and put some things that turned me off.  ?I?m a strong woman? is one.  ?I like (insert multiple manly activities here)?.  I?d love to put ?I?m a weak man? and ?I like needlework and classical ballet? on my profile and see how much the girls like that.  So because I always get too excited when I find anyone who fulfils my basic 4 criteria for compatibility (because it?s hard enough just to find someone who fits 1), I got really disappointed.  So that has made me a little depressed and grumpy.

I?ve been top of the world for the past....9 days?  So it hurts to be feeling a little low again, even though I?m nowhere near as low as I was.  It?s also making me feel a little jealous about my ex again, and thinking ?she?s the only one there?ll ever be for me, why couldn?t I overcome this, then I?d still have her? etc.  Etc.  Which is painful, especially since I barely thought of her during the past week.

Also had a few porn flashbacks go through my mind that hadn?t come back for a while.  And they were painful.  For the first time in a few weeks porn actually kinda felt like a little bit of a good idea for numbing my pain, at least for a few seconds.

Trying to tell myself this is just a temporary setback, and trying to remember all the incredible progress I?ve made, but it?s been hard.  It was tempting to think all my problems were completely solved so to see them come back is, naturally, difficult.

At least when I got home I felt a bit better, despite a few short bouts of rage.  The temptation to drink or look at porn was still there.  A couple of fetish images went through my head that I hadn?t thought about for a while, and that made me grit my teeth and want to rip great clumps of hair out.  But I?m in that phase where you can feel the sexual energy going through your body like you?ve stuck your finger in an outlet or something, and - agonising as it is - I?m really enjoying it.  Especially if you can get it into your chest instead of your groin, then you feel a great sense of love and well-being.  Not wanting to lose that feeling was enough to stop me from PMOing, - in fact I even hoped I would not have any wet dreams, whereas in the past I?d be desperately hoping for one as my only hope of relief.  Not now - bring it on!  I also feel like there?s just some big red cross over PMO, whenever the thought even passes my mind.  It just feels so wrong to contemplate doing that.  Of course, that?s not an obstacle the addicted mind can?t overcome if it wants something badly enough, but it?s a good start.

Did some pilates on my reformer and with all the sexual energy I was seriously worried I might have a spontaneous O, but I didn?t.  Felt much looser & less tense after that.

 

[PE30]

Keep going, broccolini. It's a clich? but there are plenty of other women out there,even if this one doesn't seem compatible.

Also, if the two of you get on well and enjoy talking to each other then it may be that the other things you think of as "essential" start to become less significant. Either way, it's no reflection on you.

Stay strong!