Broccolini's diary

[JasonGuitar]

It will last, just stay strong and stay active in other pursuits to keep your mind off of any temptations. Seeing attractive women in public is still a bit of a trigger for me, but I am able to shake it and not take that energy home and release it in unhealthy ways. But my thoughts when I see those women are FAR less dirty and degrading than they used to be, which is progress!

I'm glad to hear you are excited about planning for your future. That is so important. A no porn/no-fap lifestyle is very liberating and exciting.

 

[broccolini]

Thanks Jason, appreciate your comments.

Day 21
Can reeeeeeaaaallly feel the energy now.  It has been a frustrating few days.  On Monday I was going crazy, yet at no point did I seriously contemplate looking at anything.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to spontaneously O at work, which would be rather embarrassing.  Porn flashbacks keep popping into my mind but the temptation is mostly to fantasise about these images rather than to look.  Mostly though my temptations to fantasy are about girls I know or real situtaions, not porn.

Kind of excited to see what happens from here, but also feeling very veeeeery frustrated and a little tempted.  Interesting times ahead I guess.  Also still feeling a bit depressed about my ex; hope that doesn't lead me into a worse depression where porn might seem like a good idea.

 

[broccolini]

Struggling a LOT.    I need to get back into posting on this journal daily; I guess I got slack because after a few weeks I didn't have much else to say.  But now I do.  I had a couple of minor slips - one was fetish porn (no nudity) and O without M.  The other was MO with some material I found on a filter-leak in my phone.  The range of material I can access through the leak is very limited but it's bad enough to cause me problems.  Besides that I've been basically clean for the last month.  So I've done 5 weeks - fall - 4 weeks - fall.  All up 9 weeks with only 2 serious fall-clusters is not bad.  But I'm still very annoyed with myself that I can't just maintain a continuous streak.  Even with the major improvements I'm noticing in mood, confidence, outgoingness etc.  I still feel like a failure because I can't maintain an ongoing streak. And the worst thing is, because my desire has shifted to real sex instead of pictures and my desire has gone up significiantly due to excess sexual energy, I keep getting ideas in my head about visiting prostitutes or signing up for Tindr.  Neither of those are things I approve of, and nor would they serve me in any way.  I would immediately become a severe addict to physical sex instead of pictures.  That would be better for the mind and body but far worse in other ways.  It would be the beginning of a major downward spiral.  And yet I still can't convince myself to utterly rule out the possibility. 

And despite the shift towards desiring real sex, my brain is still screaming out at me "I DON'T CARE!  I'LL TAKE ANYTHING!! LOOK AT SOME VIDEOS OF REAL SEX IF YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!!"

And again, I still haven't decisively rejected that idea.  Which means I'll probably give in soon.   There's one particular nationality of girls that's driving me absolutely INSANE at the moment.  There's a girl in my team who's one of them and although she was born here, so she isn't of that race culturally, she gives me the nicest smiles and I have to try very very hard not to fantasise about ripping all her clothes off and doing unspeakable, untypeable things.  My brain is starting to make up fallacious excuses like "well now that you've had some minor slips, better just to start again with a clean slate so you can make sure you don't get backed into this corner again next time."  I know that's complete garbage and I'm better to stick with it and learn to resist even when it becomes excruciating, but I'm not sure that I want to anymore.  This is when falls always happen - when your desire for indulgence overcomes the desire to resist.

As you can see, I haven't reached 9 weeks of (mostly) abstinence for a long, long time and I'm struggling with how to deal with all this excess desire.  It's a lot harder than I imagined in the first few weeks.