broccolini
Member
Thanks again, PE. 
Day 25
Still feeling fairly social and joking around a lot with workmates today. We had to go for a long boring meeting and I ended up sitting next to ?Fiona?. The chairs were packed in quite closely and so we were sitting quite near each other. The presenter made some comment about how the people from one department had been very upset by something that had happened, and I leaned over and whispered ?do they need a hug?? To Fiona as a joke. She didn?t hear me properly and I spent the next forty minutes feeling extremely awkward and hoping she didn?t think I said ?Do you need a hug?? :S This is the sort of thing that always happens with me and it?s part of the reason I became so social phobic in the first place. Anyway I made sure I clarified that afterwards and all is well.
Day 26
Grumpy and agitated today. Not sure why. When I was walking around the city I was constantly looking out for fetish things; very hard to control my eyes. Interestingly though it felt more like a deeply ingrained habit and less like a painful compulsion.
My mood wasn?t helped by what happened in the afternoon. I told the girl on the dating site that she wasn?t my type, basically, in a nice way (or so I thought?) Then I got back a two line reply that was basically a polite tantrum. I couldn?t reply to it because she had deleted her profile. I know it?s not really my problem but I can?t help but feel lousy for seemingly upsetting her. She must have got her hopes up as well. Gaaaah I hate upsetting women. It?s the worst thing in the world. At least if she had left her profile up I could have tried to cheer her up in some way. Not trying to draw a halo over my own head or anything but sometimes I really am too compassionate towards others and take their sufferings upon myself - especially women. Other times I can be a complete bastard though, lol.
One positive though: while it was a bad experience, it kind of just felt like a toothpick in my heart or something. It didn?t crush me or send me into a depressive cycle like it probably would have previously.
At night an online friend send me a POV pic of her lounging around, showing her bare legs (and they happen to be very nice legs). My reaction was basically ?gaaaaaaaaaaaaa? *pinch to zoom in* .... *delete*. I looked for about 3 seconds. It?s really good to know that my anti-porn instincts took over automatically instead of my former lustful instincts. Great sign of progress!
Day 27 - (Wow!! Can?t believe I?m nearly at 4 weeks !!!)
Still feeling a bit grumpy. Definitely nothing like the highs of last Sunday. But not like the lows of the Sunday before that, so I really shouldn?t be complaining. Was still looking out for fetish things and found some a couple of times, but it didn?t really do anything for me. It fees kind of like I?m flatlining, like I?m not really responding to stimuli, but I still have the compulsion to seek it out. At least it?s not the uncontrollable excruciating hair-tearing compulsion it used to be. Now it just feels like a sharp pain that?s very annoying rather than something that?s eating away at my entire brain and soul.
Funny thing is, after years of being certain that I was at the very extreme end of introversion, I think now that I?m actually an extreme extrovert. Sounds like a weird mistake to make but if you go by the definition that extroverts get energised by socialising, then that would be me. Because I?m alone on the weekends I tend to feel lower on those days? Plus I?m not a bookworm who?s happy just to keep to themselves - I?ve always been a bit of a show-off and love attention as long as I?m certain that it?s good attention. On group chats online or at work I?m always the life of the party. I think it?s just a severe confidence issue more than anything.
Another thing I?ve found interesting throughout this reboot, which has never happened before, is that when I feel those surges of sexual energy they seem to have been much more balanced - i.e. All over my body, including the chest/heart, not just stuck in my groin making me as horny as all heck. Feeling that loving energy in the heart seems to be what makes healthy sexual activity vs. Unhealthy. Obviously when you?re looking at porn there?s no emotional connection to the person at all, so your heart doesn?t get involved - just your groin.
I think this is the whole reason why they make those ridiculous porn movies that actually have a plot - because when you get to know the characters first before seeing them engage in unspeakable acts, it helps to simulate that feeling of knowing and caring about a person, which then makes the unspeakable acts all the more pleasurable. Or at least, that?s the theory. It doesn?t really work when your plot?s so bad even Dan Brown is pointing out the holes and the acting almost makes you think Jack Black could headline at the Royal Shakespeare Company.
I won't bother going into details but in addition to the dating site girl, I had 2 arguments with 2 different friends this weekend (internet friends, since that?s pretty much my entire social life). In the first argument I was able to keep calm and even laugh at times. In the second argument I just tried to explain myself, then said I had to go. I don?t think our friendship can recover from that one. But I feel OK anyway. So there?s the proof that this makes you more emotionally resilient. At most I feel a mild sense of disappointment, and a bit of fear about any further confrontations we might have, but nothing more.
Day 25
Still feeling fairly social and joking around a lot with workmates today. We had to go for a long boring meeting and I ended up sitting next to ?Fiona?. The chairs were packed in quite closely and so we were sitting quite near each other. The presenter made some comment about how the people from one department had been very upset by something that had happened, and I leaned over and whispered ?do they need a hug?? To Fiona as a joke. She didn?t hear me properly and I spent the next forty minutes feeling extremely awkward and hoping she didn?t think I said ?Do you need a hug?? :S This is the sort of thing that always happens with me and it?s part of the reason I became so social phobic in the first place. Anyway I made sure I clarified that afterwards and all is well.
Day 26
Grumpy and agitated today. Not sure why. When I was walking around the city I was constantly looking out for fetish things; very hard to control my eyes. Interestingly though it felt more like a deeply ingrained habit and less like a painful compulsion.
My mood wasn?t helped by what happened in the afternoon. I told the girl on the dating site that she wasn?t my type, basically, in a nice way (or so I thought?) Then I got back a two line reply that was basically a polite tantrum. I couldn?t reply to it because she had deleted her profile. I know it?s not really my problem but I can?t help but feel lousy for seemingly upsetting her. She must have got her hopes up as well. Gaaaah I hate upsetting women. It?s the worst thing in the world. At least if she had left her profile up I could have tried to cheer her up in some way. Not trying to draw a halo over my own head or anything but sometimes I really am too compassionate towards others and take their sufferings upon myself - especially women. Other times I can be a complete bastard though, lol.
One positive though: while it was a bad experience, it kind of just felt like a toothpick in my heart or something. It didn?t crush me or send me into a depressive cycle like it probably would have previously.
At night an online friend send me a POV pic of her lounging around, showing her bare legs (and they happen to be very nice legs). My reaction was basically ?gaaaaaaaaaaaaa? *pinch to zoom in* .... *delete*. I looked for about 3 seconds. It?s really good to know that my anti-porn instincts took over automatically instead of my former lustful instincts. Great sign of progress!
Day 27 - (Wow!! Can?t believe I?m nearly at 4 weeks !!!)
Still feeling a bit grumpy. Definitely nothing like the highs of last Sunday. But not like the lows of the Sunday before that, so I really shouldn?t be complaining. Was still looking out for fetish things and found some a couple of times, but it didn?t really do anything for me. It fees kind of like I?m flatlining, like I?m not really responding to stimuli, but I still have the compulsion to seek it out. At least it?s not the uncontrollable excruciating hair-tearing compulsion it used to be. Now it just feels like a sharp pain that?s very annoying rather than something that?s eating away at my entire brain and soul.
Funny thing is, after years of being certain that I was at the very extreme end of introversion, I think now that I?m actually an extreme extrovert. Sounds like a weird mistake to make but if you go by the definition that extroverts get energised by socialising, then that would be me. Because I?m alone on the weekends I tend to feel lower on those days? Plus I?m not a bookworm who?s happy just to keep to themselves - I?ve always been a bit of a show-off and love attention as long as I?m certain that it?s good attention. On group chats online or at work I?m always the life of the party. I think it?s just a severe confidence issue more than anything.
Another thing I?ve found interesting throughout this reboot, which has never happened before, is that when I feel those surges of sexual energy they seem to have been much more balanced - i.e. All over my body, including the chest/heart, not just stuck in my groin making me as horny as all heck. Feeling that loving energy in the heart seems to be what makes healthy sexual activity vs. Unhealthy. Obviously when you?re looking at porn there?s no emotional connection to the person at all, so your heart doesn?t get involved - just your groin.
I think this is the whole reason why they make those ridiculous porn movies that actually have a plot - because when you get to know the characters first before seeing them engage in unspeakable acts, it helps to simulate that feeling of knowing and caring about a person, which then makes the unspeakable acts all the more pleasurable. Or at least, that?s the theory. It doesn?t really work when your plot?s so bad even Dan Brown is pointing out the holes and the acting almost makes you think Jack Black could headline at the Royal Shakespeare Company.
I won't bother going into details but in addition to the dating site girl, I had 2 arguments with 2 different friends this weekend (internet friends, since that?s pretty much my entire social life). In the first argument I was able to keep calm and even laugh at times. In the second argument I just tried to explain myself, then said I had to go. I don?t think our friendship can recover from that one. But I feel OK anyway. So there?s the proof that this makes you more emotionally resilient. At most I feel a mild sense of disappointment, and a bit of fear about any further confrontations we might have, but nothing more.
