Back On The Wagon: 2
- Thread starter PE30
- Start date
broccolini
Member
Glad you're still going, and that you're keeping positive. Sounds like you're starting to see some benefits already. 
Day 11
I'm starting today as I started my last day working from home: youtube on, listening to worship music and praying. I've decided that it's right for me to give up all social media for Lent - I've never done this before but I feel led to strip away every crutch that might lead me away from pursuing my faith and battling this addiction.
I don't want to bore people who are reading this who don't have faith, but honestly, I've been so convinced of the realness of God during this past week. I feel able to surrender all my fears and doubts to Him, and it's feeling like it's working. Church was great yesterday - I could really sense the Holy Spirit's presence with us as we sang. I feel like God is doing a healing work in me that's going deeper than before.
Aquarius - thanks for the message. You're totally right: there's no room for porn in my life, as a reward or otherwise. I think I just used that as an illustration of the kind of wrong-thinking I've slipped into in the past. And yes, there are a handful of people who know everything. My pastor has been especially good to me: we've known each other for about 15 years now and he's seen my ups and downs. The thing that's the trickiest is the temptation to misrepresent my life on Facebook. I guess it's inevitable in a way - it's nice to tell people the good news, the holidays, the breakthroughs at school etc - but it's easy to end up craving validation through the approval of others.
Anyway, things have been good over the weekend. We went for a couple of walks with the girls, had some time chilling out at home, ate pizza, ate cake, enjoyed family life. Any ED problems are long gone, my sex drive is normal again and our sex life has been good.
I need to guard against unexpected temptation, not get complacent and fight a daily battle. Thanks for all your support.
I'm starting today as I started my last day working from home: youtube on, listening to worship music and praying. I've decided that it's right for me to give up all social media for Lent - I've never done this before but I feel led to strip away every crutch that might lead me away from pursuing my faith and battling this addiction.
I don't want to bore people who are reading this who don't have faith, but honestly, I've been so convinced of the realness of God during this past week. I feel able to surrender all my fears and doubts to Him, and it's feeling like it's working. Church was great yesterday - I could really sense the Holy Spirit's presence with us as we sang. I feel like God is doing a healing work in me that's going deeper than before.
Aquarius - thanks for the message. You're totally right: there's no room for porn in my life, as a reward or otherwise. I think I just used that as an illustration of the kind of wrong-thinking I've slipped into in the past. And yes, there are a handful of people who know everything. My pastor has been especially good to me: we've known each other for about 15 years now and he's seen my ups and downs. The thing that's the trickiest is the temptation to misrepresent my life on Facebook. I guess it's inevitable in a way - it's nice to tell people the good news, the holidays, the breakthroughs at school etc - but it's easy to end up craving validation through the approval of others.
Anyway, things have been good over the weekend. We went for a couple of walks with the girls, had some time chilling out at home, ate pizza, ate cake, enjoyed family life. Any ED problems are long gone, my sex drive is normal again and our sex life has been good.
I need to guard against unexpected temptation, not get complacent and fight a daily battle. Thanks for all your support.
broccolini
Member
Glad you are already seeing the benefits, spiritual and otherwise. Always good to keep those before our eyes for those moments of temptation! God bless you, keep up the fight!
Eh, I got my days mixed up. So today is day 11! (And yesterday was day 10).
Working from home went okay yesterday. I put on lots of music, took a proper lunch break, stayed away from my usual replacement activities. Trying to push myself further away from things that might either waste my time or trigger a relapse. The brain is a funny thing, isn't it? It's almost like I'm going on a dopamine diet: adjusting myself to a life that's not constantly seeking the next high.
I'm chewing over some thoughts about some of the journals I've read on here. Not quite ready to share them yet, though.
Working from home went okay yesterday. I put on lots of music, took a proper lunch break, stayed away from my usual replacement activities. Trying to push myself further away from things that might either waste my time or trigger a relapse. The brain is a funny thing, isn't it? It's almost like I'm going on a dopamine diet: adjusting myself to a life that's not constantly seeking the next high.
I'm chewing over some thoughts about some of the journals I've read on here. Not quite ready to share them yet, though.
Hi PE30, I read your story and felt it also resonated with me. I also have a beautiful wife and daughter and want my relationship to improve with my wife and my daughter is the cutest thing on this planet as she's only 1.5 years old!
I've struggled with PMO for a long time and I think the longest I've been without PMO is probably like 10 days. However this time I'm quite serious about it and want to give it up for good!
I've read a substantial amount on ybop.com as well as watched a lot of inspirational youtube videos. One thing that really stands out for me is that it is obviously no easy task doing this, but self-forgiveness and self-compassion is really important - which is something I think you've started looking into reading/judging from your posts.
All the best with your journey!
I've struggled with PMO for a long time and I think the longest I've been without PMO is probably like 10 days. However this time I'm quite serious about it and want to give it up for good!
I've read a substantial amount on ybop.com as well as watched a lot of inspirational youtube videos. One thing that really stands out for me is that it is obviously no easy task doing this, but self-forgiveness and self-compassion is really important - which is something I think you've started looking into reading/judging from your posts.
All the best with your journey!
Hey I'm on a day's leave today so I'll keep the journal entry brief, but thank you for your encouragement. Self forgiveness is so important. It's a skill I need to keep learning.
It's weird how we end up deceived into thinking we need more than we have. You have everything you need in your family! It's a tough time though, especially with a child that young. Stay strong!
Day 12 anyway. Better go and make breakfast.
I'm on a day's leave today so I'll keep the journal entry brief, but thank you for your encouragement. Self forgiveness is so important. It's a skill I need to keep learning.It's weird how we end up deceived into thinking we need more than we have. You have everything you need in your family! It's a tough time though, especially with a child that young. Stay strong!
Day 12 anyway. Better go and make breakfast.
Another brief check in as I'm on leave today. But it's day 13.
I keep thinking: what's my plan for when temptation returns? Right now I'm as likely to put my head into a hot oven as I am to watch porn, but there'll come a time when the revulsion I feel towards my addiction fades. That's the point where I need to dig in anew, reject this addiction and accept afresh the grace of God and the strength He provides me to keep going.
I've given up social media for Lent, which is strangely liberating. Been trying to use the time to meditate and pray instead.
It's really good to have a few folk on here who are at roughly the same stage of their reboot. Let's keep each other going. The class of 2018 who beat their addictions this year!
Lord, keep me from the love of sinning.
I keep thinking: what's my plan for when temptation returns? Right now I'm as likely to put my head into a hot oven as I am to watch porn, but there'll come a time when the revulsion I feel towards my addiction fades. That's the point where I need to dig in anew, reject this addiction and accept afresh the grace of God and the strength He provides me to keep going.
I've given up social media for Lent, which is strangely liberating. Been trying to use the time to meditate and pray instead.
It's really good to have a few folk on here who are at roughly the same stage of their reboot. Let's keep each other going. The class of 2018 who beat their addictions this year!
Lord, keep me from the love of sinning.
Day 14
A few things:
1. I felt a little voice in my head last night say "you're going to fail today, you're going to mess up". So I feel like I've had to dig in overnight, pray, commit myself to the task afresh. In previous reboots, I've found that I've had little problem getting through the first 10 days but have come unstuck further down the line.
2. Linked to the above: I heard something interesting a couple of weeks ago, which stuck with me. The Devil has none of the fruit of the Spirit. And one of the fruits of the Spirit is patience. Therefore the Devil is impatient and will give up and go away if we resist him. (For those who don't believe in a god, let alone a devil - I think the point still stands. Temptation is never permanent, unless we sit there all day with a porn site URL typed into the browser and our finger over the return key. It passes)
3. I had a really, really nice day yesterday. Went for a walk with my wife and daughters in the winter sunshine, had lunch at a nice pub, had some friends over to watch a film in the evening. The sun has been shining over the past few days and looks set to continue! Giving up Facebook and social media has helped me to be more mindful, to think and pray and contemplate. To wrestle with my thoughts and be victorious over them where necessary.
Working from home today. Got some uplifting music on and am trying to renew my mind over and over again. Push this addiction into the past. Keep praying for me, those who pray, and keep sharing your wisdom with me.
A few things:
1. I felt a little voice in my head last night say "you're going to fail today, you're going to mess up". So I feel like I've had to dig in overnight, pray, commit myself to the task afresh. In previous reboots, I've found that I've had little problem getting through the first 10 days but have come unstuck further down the line.
2. Linked to the above: I heard something interesting a couple of weeks ago, which stuck with me. The Devil has none of the fruit of the Spirit. And one of the fruits of the Spirit is patience. Therefore the Devil is impatient and will give up and go away if we resist him. (For those who don't believe in a god, let alone a devil - I think the point still stands. Temptation is never permanent, unless we sit there all day with a porn site URL typed into the browser and our finger over the return key. It passes)
3. I had a really, really nice day yesterday. Went for a walk with my wife and daughters in the winter sunshine, had lunch at a nice pub, had some friends over to watch a film in the evening. The sun has been shining over the past few days and looks set to continue! Giving up Facebook and social media has helped me to be more mindful, to think and pray and contemplate. To wrestle with my thoughts and be victorious over them where necessary.
Working from home today. Got some uplifting music on and am trying to renew my mind over and over again. Push this addiction into the past. Keep praying for me, those who pray, and keep sharing your wisdom with me.
Day 15
So I didn't fail yesterday! I got a little bored working from home but I read a couple of news articles, listened to some music (regular and Christian) and took breaks every so often . I'd actually forgotten about the voice in my head until I reread my journal this morning!
Went out for dinner last night with my wife, was lovely.
Had a couple of fairly racy dreams last night. I guess my subconscious is probably still looking for ways of satisfying itself. I'm digging in, though.
It's felt like a long fortnight. For me, this reboot has not just been about renouncing those things that sought to destroy me and my relationship, it's also been about trying to rediscover who I actually am. It's been hard work doing this without various crutches and replacement activities but I feel like it's enabling a deeper work of healing.
There are things like Facebook that I've put a pause on, in order to give myself breathing space. It's not bad per se but it is really tempting to present a skewed picture of myself on there. I've got til Easter to make up my mind as to whether it stays in my life.
Anyway, all is good today!
So I didn't fail yesterday! I got a little bored working from home but I read a couple of news articles, listened to some music (regular and Christian) and took breaks every so often . I'd actually forgotten about the voice in my head until I reread my journal this morning!
Went out for dinner last night with my wife, was lovely.
Had a couple of fairly racy dreams last night. I guess my subconscious is probably still looking for ways of satisfying itself. I'm digging in, though.
It's felt like a long fortnight. For me, this reboot has not just been about renouncing those things that sought to destroy me and my relationship, it's also been about trying to rediscover who I actually am. It's been hard work doing this without various crutches and replacement activities but I feel like it's enabling a deeper work of healing.
There are things like Facebook that I've put a pause on, in order to give myself breathing space. It's not bad per se but it is really tempting to present a skewed picture of myself on there. I've got til Easter to make up my mind as to whether it stays in my life.
Anyway, all is good today!
Day 16
Just a quick note to say that I'm still going and still clean. Had an awful dream last night that I'd been unfaithful again, and woke up in a panic.
"The thief seeks to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come to bring life, and life in abundance" (John 10:10)
Have a great day everyone.
Just a quick note to say that I'm still going and still clean. Had an awful dream last night that I'd been unfaithful again, and woke up in a panic.
"The thief seeks to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come to bring life, and life in abundance" (John 10:10)
Have a great day everyone.
broccolini
Member
Ugggh hate those dreams! Always nice when you wake up from them though. Our subconsciouses are annoying some times eh? Sometimes I think if my subconscious had a butt I would kick it. Great that you're still going strong though; so many more great benefits to look forward to as you reboot.
Day 17
Morning all. Had a really good weekend: lots of time with the family; great church service on Sunday; plenty of rest. This week I'm back in the office which means I'm back on the train this morning.
I'm slightly worried that something is going to go wrong. I've been feeling so happy and relaxed over the past few days that I'm thinking in the back of my head: when is the bubble going to burst?! And then it occurred to me that maybe a life spent worrying every single day is a life wasted, and that it wasn't the worst thing in the world just to experience a bit of contentment in the moment.
But anyway, clean feels so good. Sex is so much better at the moment and I don't have to hide anything from my wife or compromise on my sleep or work ethic. I'm so glad not to be stuck in that rut anymore.
And maybe, just maybe, I've got enough in me this time to break free of the shackles of addiction for good. That's my prayer.
Morning all. Had a really good weekend: lots of time with the family; great church service on Sunday; plenty of rest. This week I'm back in the office which means I'm back on the train this morning.
I'm slightly worried that something is going to go wrong. I've been feeling so happy and relaxed over the past few days that I'm thinking in the back of my head: when is the bubble going to burst?! And then it occurred to me that maybe a life spent worrying every single day is a life wasted, and that it wasn't the worst thing in the world just to experience a bit of contentment in the moment.
But anyway, clean feels so good. Sex is so much better at the moment and I don't have to hide anything from my wife or compromise on my sleep or work ethic. I'm so glad not to be stuck in that rut anymore.
And maybe, just maybe, I've got enough in me this time to break free of the shackles of addiction for good. That's my prayer.
aquarius25
Respected Member
I have been thinking on this shame thing quite a bit. As a partner I carry shame too. I went through a long period where I felt so much shame for so many things. I even had friends telling me that it's my fault. I carried so much insecurity, like I am not good enough and that is why my husband views porn and so forth. Those are all lies that keep us off our focused and keep us from being on purpose. If you are a Christ believer than you believe at your core that you are designed to serve Christ, to honer him, to love him, and most importantly to share his heart with others preferably through actions. Words are only meant to reinforce what my actions are saying. This is my personal belief anyway so feel free to disregard if you like, lol. When you carry shame, insecurities, self loathing, and unforgiveness for yourself and others (this was and is a big part for me) you prevent yourself from walking fully in the way you are created to walk. This prevents you from really being fully usable for God. Yes we are all broken, but we need to starts walking in the healing that comes with accepting him in our life. We need to start really walking with the heart that we are forgiven and made anew. He has crafted us perfectly, live that. Live that with your actions and attitudes for others. I have been practicing anytime I feel myself have thoughts (because it starts with thoughts) that aren't in alignment with this wholeness approach, I stop, repent and claim my restoration and healing. I declare that I am forgiven, repaired and perfectly made. For me I feel this is so important because my kids are watching, and I don't want them to carry these attitudes of brokenness. They hurt so much and my heart for them is that they feel loved and alive.
I am so glad that you are doing well! Keep it up, you can absoutly do this!
I am so glad that you are doing well! Keep it up, you can absoutly do this!
broccolini
Member
PE30 said:
Of course you do! And it's much easier when you really start feeling the benefits; much more to hold onto in times of temptation. When that little voice whispers in your ear, you'll have much more to answer it with. Glad you've been going well too!
Day 18
Thanks broccolini and aquarius for your words! Aquarius - you're totally right - I have no need to feel shame in Jesus. He has taken away my shame. I feel like it's a daily choice at present to *reject* that shame, to declare that it has no part in my life. (As an aside, have you heard of a book called Unashamed by Christine Caine? My wife and some other women from our church have run a course using this material, and people found it really helpful). You are doing a fantastic job, by the way.
And I keep making the right choice, the choice of integrity, the choice that keeps me close to God and close to my wife and family.
It's a daily choice. So, today:
- I choose to accept myself as I am, loved and honoured and forgiven;
- I choose to reject thoughts of worthlessness, guilt and shame;
- I choose to reject porn of all kinds;
- I choose to accept God's perfect will for my life as His child;
- I choose to life in the goodness of who I am, to enjoy life and be full of joy.
Bring it on!
Thanks broccolini and aquarius for your words! Aquarius - you're totally right - I have no need to feel shame in Jesus. He has taken away my shame. I feel like it's a daily choice at present to *reject* that shame, to declare that it has no part in my life. (As an aside, have you heard of a book called Unashamed by Christine Caine? My wife and some other women from our church have run a course using this material, and people found it really helpful). You are doing a fantastic job, by the way.
And I keep making the right choice, the choice of integrity, the choice that keeps me close to God and close to my wife and family.
It's a daily choice. So, today:
- I choose to accept myself as I am, loved and honoured and forgiven;
- I choose to reject thoughts of worthlessness, guilt and shame;
- I choose to reject porn of all kinds;
- I choose to accept God's perfect will for my life as His child;
- I choose to life in the goodness of who I am, to enjoy life and be full of joy.
Bring it on!
broccolini
Member
Hooray! Much better than the old choices we made, eh?
-I choose to escape real life and live in a fantasy world?
-I choose to use my god-given sexual energy and reproductive faculties for purposeless self-indulgence?
-I choose to isolate myself from my fellow-man and indulge in feelings of worthlessness and shame ?
No thanks!! XD Not much of a choice to be made here, eh?
-I choose to escape real life and live in a fantasy world?
-I choose to use my god-given sexual energy and reproductive faculties for purposeless self-indulgence?
-I choose to isolate myself from my fellow-man and indulge in feelings of worthlessness and shame ?
No thanks!! XD Not much of a choice to be made here, eh?
Day 19
Weird start to the day: had another very intense and scary dream, this time with some kind of crab or beetle that kept pouring out of me and onto the bed. Must have woke my wife up in the process.
I felt really peaceful when I woke up, but then I was on the school run and my daughters were being really difficult so I felt pretty lousy by the time I got on the train.
I feel like things have settled down again now - feel a bit drained but otherwise well.
Weird start to the day: had another very intense and scary dream, this time with some kind of crab or beetle that kept pouring out of me and onto the bed. Must have woke my wife up in the process.
I felt really peaceful when I woke up, but then I was on the school run and my daughters were being really difficult so I felt pretty lousy by the time I got on the train.
I feel like things have settled down again now - feel a bit drained but otherwise well.
Day 20
My dreams are all over the place at the moment. Once again, dreamt that I'd kissed someone who wasn't my wife. Feeling a bit down right now, but hopefully my day will improve.
I don't feel tempted though. I feel like I've been thrown a lifeline of sobriety, and it's good. I want both feet on solid ground, not wavering, steadfast and stable. Am going to pray for a bit and hopefully that will help my mood improve.
My dreams are all over the place at the moment. Once again, dreamt that I'd kissed someone who wasn't my wife. Feeling a bit down right now, but hopefully my day will improve.
I don't feel tempted though. I feel like I've been thrown a lifeline of sobriety, and it's good. I want both feet on solid ground, not wavering, steadfast and stable. Am going to pray for a bit and hopefully that will help my mood improve.
broccolini
Member
Will pray for you too. I'm already noticing that even though I had a tough day, I'm already starting to feel better (which would never happen in the past). So I'm sure your lousy period will get better soon. The longer we stay clean, the more resilient we'll become without resorting to the highs and lows of addiction. Just remember that!