Back On The Wagon: 2

[PE30]

Day 21

I've made it to three weeks I had a much less disturbed night's sleep, no bad dreams and woke up feeling a bit more together.

It's been quite a useful process to give up Facebook and other social media as part of this reboot. It's helped concentrate my mind on the important things in my life: God, my marriage, my family, my job. I spend far too much of my time indulging my need to be validated, and I know that this isn't healthy! I don't need to prove myself; I am loved as I am.

I keep thinking about my reboot in terms of rocket launching. At some stage I hope to be free from the gravitational pull of addiction, but I know that in the meantime it continues to take effort to flee from the things that have chained me. I continue to fight.

 

[chiefmitch88]

Big congratulations on 3 weeks! It's amazing how long that can seem to an addict in recovery isn't it? Cheers! Keep going man, day by day. I'm standing shoulder to shoulder with you.

 

[PE30]

Day 22

Thanks for the encouragement chiefmitch - you're right, it's felt like a long three weeks! But it's a crucial time- three weeks, 40 days, 60 days. They're all milestones.

I'm continuing to have weird dreams but they seem to be less effective at making me feel bad about myself. I'm starting to brush them off, which means I feel better about myself.

It's 3pm UK time and I've been out for the day with my family. It's been a good day and I'm hoping for a good rest of the weekend. Staying focused and strong.

Let's keep it going, everyone!

 

[PE30]

Day 23

Another quick check in as it's evening here and I've been busy all day. Church was good again and I had a nice day with the family. Had a bit of an argument with my wife but we've apologised to each other and all is fine now. I don't expect to lead a perfect life but I know that I can live one free of porn and chat rooms. I'm continuing to seek God daily. I'm so glad for the chance to live in grace that I don't deserve.

It's really encouraging to read other journals on here especially as there are quite a few of us who are at around the three week mark. Let's stay strong together!

 

[PE30]

Day 24

No massive change. Had a really nice evening with my wife - talked lots, watched some TV together, listened to some music. Was feeling really grateful / thankful when I went to sleep.

Had yet another bad dream last night - this was to do with my daughters rather than with my addiction. I'm growing sick and tired of these bad dreams. I was awake for maybe half an hour afterwards before I drifted off again. Is this a common thing amongst people who are in recovery? I guess my brain has a lot of catching up to do.

This Friday will mark one month clean. Okay, February is a short month so it's an easy win, but I'm happy about it. I know that I've relapsed a few times but since June I've been clean for maybe 6 out of the 9 months. I'm beginning to feel quietly confident that I can beat this for good and live a life full of integrity.

Speaking of which, I've been feeling challenged about other aspects of my character. The language I use, for example - I swear too often, regularly at myself. I need to be speaking about myself more positively!

 

[broccolini]

Woooohooo.  You can do it!  Nearly 4 weeks - GREAT job!

I personally haven't experienced any bad dreams (I hardly remember my dreams at all), but I have heard of that happening.  People usually say their dreams are more vivid - maybe your subconscious is confronting and dealing with things that it has put aside while it has been occupied with porn?  I'm sure they will pass as your recovery progresses.

 

[PE30]

Day 25

Brief one today as I've got lots to do at work and a busy evening ahead. Dreams were a little more normal last night and I feel pretty calm today. It's freezing cold in the UK though!

Just going to say briefly how grateful I am for the layers of support I've got around me: my wife, a small handful of good friends who know my struggle, my counsellor (who I'm not seeing at the moment but is available), and this place. We're stronger together.

Hope you're all doing well. stay strong.

 

[PE30]

Day 26

A good day yesterday: productive at work and had a good evening even though I had to attend a meeting I didn't want to attend. This morning it's snowing! My wife and children are off for the day but sadly the trains are running alright and so it's easy enough to get to work.

I know the temptation will return one day but I'm grateful that porn and chat rooms hold no allure for me right now.

Trying to keep my life as simple as I can. Love God, be a good husband and dad, work hard, be a good friend to people. Simple living seems to work well.

 

[PE30]

Day 27

Another clean day yesterday. I'm trying to keep things as far away from danger as possible. For instance: there was a story on a news website and one of the subjects of the story was quite attractive, and I was tempted to Google her for more images. But I didn't - I don't want to be anywhere near any of that.

I mean, we're never going to get away from that first level of temptation - the attractive woman on the train, the advert, the sidebar of an otherwise innocuous website. But it *is* possible to make a choice at that point. Do I linger my gaze? Do I click through on the sidebar? Do I justify myself that it's not really porn, it's not this, it's not that? I feel like I'm making good choices at the moment. But frankly, I'm not really interested in that. I'm beginning to realise the deceptiveness of my own brain, I'm beginning to realise that it's possible to make *good* choices, not just ones that substitute one dopamine thrill for another.

I'm also really happy not to be on Facebook. I will probably go back on after Easter but the break is doing me good. It's keeping me focused on my own life and the things immediately around me, rather than continually comparing myself to others or seeking validation. It feels really good.

I am working from home today - I'd be lying if I said that I felt *no* temptation - but I feel that the temptation is manageable, I have coping strategies, I have strength. Tomorrow will mark one calendar month clean. I'm looking to keep the momentum going. I keep thinking of what it takes to send a rocket into space. Incredible power and energy compared with the pull of gravity. This is what addiction is like. But there is a point where gravity no longer has a pull. And I'm beginning to believe that there will be a point where porn and chat rooms and all kinds of addictions will have no pull on my life.

 

[aquarius25]

Awesome job! You have a great attitude and perspective! It sounds like you are shifting from objectification to really seeing people. Porn objectifies everything. People, men and women, are just there for gratification. That thinking is infectious and will seep into so many areas of your life unknowingly. The women online or the cute girl walking down the street. Yes the first glance you can't help, but to continue looking is kind of like your brain treating her like a nice object here for you to enjoy instead of seeing her as a person. The awareness of this shift is really difficult to be aware of in the moment, it happens so fast. Also to shift. I know my husband would do a lot of afterwards thinking, like I should have done this, or I wish I had done that, ect. You sound like you are really becoming aware of this shift and it is a really big deal. You should be proud of that! That is big. Remember when you start to feel that pull, rather than focusing on looks think about the person. Think about your people. She may be someone's wife, sister, mother. Then think about your wife, kids, family. My husband said he is trying to shift his focus to have his thoughts be something he would be ok sharing with people. Example: he wants what he thinks to be acceptable for the person he is thinking them about to know. If it's something He wouldn't be comfortable telling them, maybe it's not appropriate to be thinking in the first place. That really is the best way to battle objectification.

Great job!

 

[PE30]

Thanks for that, aquarius. You know that old clich? / meme "dance like there's no-one watching, sing like there's nobody listening..."? I think us addicts could do with an alternative one. "Browse your internet like your wife is stood behind you... walk down the street like everyone can see what you're fixing your eyes upon"... It'd serve as a useful reminder.

So anyway

DAY 28

The first big milestone - one calendar month porn and chat-room free! Some positives:

- I feel a lot better about myself. I still have a long way to go to truly love myself and be kind to myself but I am getting there.
- I am sleeping better. I had reasonable dreams last night - still more vivid than when relapsed, but nothing scary. I am getting a good 7-8 hours' sleep per night, which is optimum for me.
- I am working harder, am definitely more productive at work. I feel like I'm a better colleague too, more fun to be around, more present.
- I'm really enjoying time with my wife and daughters. Life is good with them.
- I've been working on feelings of regret; I'm trying not to feel hopeless but instead I'm trying to be thankful for God's grace on my life: that I haven't got what I deserve, that I have a home, a job, a family, when I could easily have lost everything.
- My relationship with God has really blossomed and I feel closer to Him than I have felt in years. I am as a result a lot more comfortable in church, and feel happier round my brothers and sisters there.
- I've quit Facebook and have also quit a music forum that I used to contribute to on a regular basis. I've been acutely aware how they've both been feeding my addiction to dopamine, my addiction to the same thrill of acceptance and validation that chat rooms gave me.

Next goals:
30 days (should be easy enough)
60 days (end of April, I think I can get there)

and then I'll keep going and keep going until the pull of addiction is no longer strong.

 

[PE30]

Day 29

Short one today as it's the weekend. Just checking in to say I'm still in the game.

 

[PE30]

Day 30

Yay, made it to 30 days! Can honestly say that there have been no slip ups or be misses, which I'm really pleased about.

What's working well? Two things, really. One is that I'm finding it really helpful to avoid my usual replacement behaviours like Facebook and online forums. It does mean that from time to time I find myself feeling bored at home or at work, but I don't think that's the worst feeling in the world ever. I remember a time before porn, a time before chat rooms when I would be bored at home and would always find a practical way to occupy myself. Those years were really productive! So it's good to be operating on a lower level of dopamine and to find pleasure in simple things such as a nice walk or a chat with a friend.

The second thing that's working well is that my relationship with God has blossomed over the last month. I think it's a two way thing: I'm seeking God more as I'm desperate for Him to be real in my life, and I'm more open to Him as there's less blocking me from His presence.

I submit myself again and say that I am powerless against addiction without him, lost without him. I am so glad for His strength in my life.

 

[PE30]

Day 31

Back at work today. The snow has passed and it's beginning to look a bit like Spring might be on its way. We went for a walk round the park yesterday afternoon, just to get some fresh air. It felt good. Then in the evening I chatted with my wife, we read some books and I fell asleep listening to music.

One of the side-effects of this reboot seems to be that I'm sleepier than normal. Is this because I'd previously been on high alert the whole time, waiting for a message back or an opportunity to sneak online? I'm not sure. I think it's partly because it's winter (or at least, early spring) and my body is still in hibernation mode.

Interestingly, my wife is out tonight and I don't feel fearful about slipping. I am still alert against temptation. But in previous reboots I've been scared in the run-up to time alone. I'm feeling strong without feeling over-confident.

I continue to renounce porn and all forms of sexual sin.

 

[PE30]

Day 32

Things are okay here. Drove to work this morning and was aware of how angry and stressed I get when behind the wheel - bad language and generally feeling a bit crabby. It's funny how, by examining one area of my life and bringing it to the surface, other character flaws are coming to my attention too. "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks" - I'm trying to let God examine my heart and bring things up that need restoring.

My wife was out for the evening last night - I did a couple of jobs and then played some guitar. Was quite a nice evening actually. And I didn't feel particularly tempted to relapse! This is definite progress. I've had previous reboots where I've felt like I was hanging on by the skin of my teeth.

Let's keep going

 

[aquarius25]

Great job really thinking about how you are feeling and being aware of your attitude! You are doing really great!

 

[PE30]

Day 33

Felt a bit low last night. There are quite a few small but annoying things going on in my life at the moment: bits to do with church, bits to do with our house, bits to do with my family... various things. Also I think I do struggle around this time of year emotionally. It's coming up to the 20th anniversary of when my mum died and I think it affects me on a subconscious level every March / early April.

It's also to do with the way that winter seems to bleed into March. I think I *expect* March to be full of new life, warmth, light etc... but in reality it's still cold and damp. I'm sure this would make a good metaphor for something or another.

Anyway, on the plus side, I still feel a long way away from wanting to look at porn or go on a chatroom. It's what I'm aiming for: keeping these things a long way away and taking captive ever thought that tempts me back to my old ways.

 

[PE30]

Day 34

I'm feeling a bit better today. I'm pleased with myself, in that I haven't used my low mood as an excuse to act out, or even to go after subs / things that I know are bad for me. A full Facebook fast is good for me; also I'm keeping myself from clicking through on news stories where I know that the pics are going to be triggering. I mean, it's a minefield, and it's impossible not to accidentally stumble across someone in swimwear, or whatever, but I'm walking away in such instances, and I'm not clicking through when I know that my motives are ultimately lustful.

I've had a few other small things bothering me over the past few days but I'm trying to get them in their right perspective. Also, I have had quite a productive morning of work, which means that I feel a bit better about myself.

Most importantly, I'm trying to stay close to God. Honestly - I don't want to be preachy, but the more I dwell upon it, the more I'm totally convinced that God is real and has a loving interest in my life. If anyone on here wants to talk to me about that kind of thing then I'm more than happy to share.

Onwards and upwards!

 

[PE30]

Day 35

Five weeks clean!

Had a busy day yesterday working from home, which included having to do a couple of things at my daughter's school. I'm really pleased because I was struggling with WFHing for quite a while - it was a real area of weakness. But I was able to get through the day, far from danger.

Looking forward to the weekend. Got friends coming over for dinner on Saturday so am going to cook something nice for them. Church on Sunday should be good.

Clean feels good, everyone.

 

[aquarius25]

Congrats! Big milestone!!! You should be proud! Be sure to communicate your successes with our wife so you can share in the celebration together! It's so important to communicate the good!