PIED. And wanting to reboot. Second time around

[Andy9120]

DAY FIFTEEN.

I am aware that I am heading into dangerous territory.  This is where my reboot has failed previously.  I believe my previous record was 22 days so that is my first target.  I had a wobble a few day ago and I got through it.  I am so happy that I did.  I would feel awful now if I had relapsed.  Actually, ironically I wouldn't. I would be wasting time watching porn and numbing my feelings.

I wanted todays post to be positive.  And it will be.

So many great things have happened during this reboot

1.  I have gained two amazing pets who are real characters and are giving me company during the day.
2.  I am getting on top of my fitness again.
3.  I am learning how to cook.
4.  My relationship with my wife feels amazing.  I am less short tempered and I feel close to her.
5.  My house and garden are looking amazing.


Hope you are all having a great day too.  Please stay strong.  We are all doing amazing fighting this addiction.

 

[Andy9120]

DAY SIXTEEN.  Very busy and physically tiring day today.  Been engaged and busy a lot which I guess has helped.  Its strange how these cravings come and go.  I think it lures you into a false sense of security and I need to be careful about that.  I personally find it helpful to keep thinking of myself as a porn addict.  Once you term it like that it makes it real and serious in my head.  I am deermined. And once again our house and garden is amazingly neat and my business going really well!

 

[Andy9120]

DAY SEVENTEEN.  Really struggling today.  Difficult day at work, very warm weather.  Very strong porn cravings.  Not sure why it is getting worse after this amount of time.  Not sure if that is normal.  To add to it some idiot on here sent me an explicit message.  Not sure where that person gains pleasure from doing so.

I am determined to stay strong.  Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  Thank you all.

 

[Georgos]

Hi Andy, about a month ago some idiot also started sending me explicit messages, don't know if it was the same person, it really wasn't helpful, well done for not letting it get to you. Thank you.

 

[PE30]

Yeah I've had messages of a similar nature. Well done for rising above it. You just need to get through today, and then tomorrow is a new day

 

[Andy9120]

Thanks guys.  Really appreciate the interactions on this journal it gives me strength.

So.  This is DAY EIGHTEEN.  I have decided that I need to break this down into achievable goals.  The first goal is getting past the first 22 days.  This was how last my reboot lasted last time.  After that I think 30 days is a a nice target.  I don't know how long it will take for the neural links to reestablish themselves but I am excited about how that will happen.

I am getting severe porn cravings this morning.  It is strange how it is getting stronger as the days go by.  Today is going to be a challenge as I am spending a long day on my own.  I am trying to stay busy and engaged by planning loads of things in.  Today is the first day in ages that I do not have a day full of plans.

I really am determined to stay strong.

Have a great day everyone.

 

[PE30]

Brilliant! Well done for getting through each day. It sounds like you're having quite a struggle at the moment but you're persevering. Too many reboots on here seem to fail at the first hurdle. Just remember: today the cravings were strong but you overcame them. So you can do it again! Remember what you're fighting for

 

[Andy9120]

End of day NINETEEN. Closing in on my previous best of 22 days. Really busy day today and the weather was nice. Feeling focussed.

Had my first erotic dream in ages. Is that a result of the reboot do you think?

Cravings not so bad today.

 

[Andy9120]

DAY TWENTY.

Thought this was going to be a happy post today. It was supposed to be a day off with wife at home. A very rare one. An easy day I thought.


Sadly a big argument has happened with her and my previous PTSD is resurfacing. All my brain wants is to get that endorphine fix by looking at porn. I am sitting on my own and struggling badly. Really shaking and hurting. I need your thoughts and prayers today guys

 

[Georgos]

Write out a list of all the reasons you don't want to PMO and how it terrible you feel after PMO. After meditate. Then read through your list.

 

[PE30]

Decent advice there, Georgos. Hang in there, Andy - maybe your brain is also telling that you're approaching your previous record and that you can't do it. That's nonsense. You can get through today.

 

[Andy9120]

Thanks guys.  This means so much that you have taken the time to reply and help me.

@Georgos I am making that list mate.  And I will meditate on it tomorrow morning. I think that is such good advice.

Its been an awful day.  And I think that tomorrow will be very tricky.  I feel tired and sad after our argument.  To make matters worse I have a long day alone tomorrow.  With a need for lots of IT work alone on a computer.  Its a perfect storm.  I will post on here tomorrow.  My record is approaching and I am determined to beat it.

 

[Andy9120]

DAY TWENTY ONE. 

I am halfway through a really tricky day today guys.  Things are still bad relationship wise after yesterday arguemnt with my wife.  And my PTSD is reasserting itself strongly.  All of my muscle memory is telling me that going and looking at porn will make the problems go away.  I am getting such strong cravings.  I have kept myself really busy all morning.  Really focussed on work.  And then another row with wife on the phone at lunchtime.  Sometimes I feel that life is pushing me or testing me.  I am so determined that I will not let this reboot be for nothing.  I need to get through today.  After this I have six full busy days.  And the week after that is busy too, so basically if I can get trough today I will be onto thirty days before I know it.

If you are religious, spare me a prayer today.  I need the help.  If you aren't religous please send me some posiitve thoughts.  Thanks guys.

Have a great day wherever you are.

 

[PE30]

Prayed for you, for strength for today and hope for tomorrow. Keep going, you're a battler.

 

[Dutch Courage]

Keep it up budy! Agree with making the list and meditate or mindfullness exercises. You are almost there to reach 22 days. Confident that you will achieve!

 

[Andy9120]

DAY TWENTY TWO guys.

I think some of you know how important that number is to me. This is now officially my longest reboot. This is the longest I have gone without porn since I was about 18. Feeling really pumped and proud of myself.

Today was a tricky day. I witnessed a horrible car accident and yet didn?t reach for porn. I have arranged to seee my therapist and talk about the PTSD which I think will help.

 

[achilles heel]

Congratulations, around week 3/4 the journey becomes really tough to my experience. I made it past that a couple of times and it was easier from around day 30 on.

Stay very aware these days and prepare yourself for your addicted brain to trick you into getting the dopamine rush again! Withdrawals will pass wether or not you use porn so just stay away from it and keep up the great work!

 

[Dutch Courage]

Congratulations! Keep it up. I'm at roughly the same point and going through the same process which is very tough. But every day is a victory!

 

[PE30]

Ah well done. You've had a few tough days, and you should be proud of yourself for getting through them. Don't let yourself get complacent. Take one day at a time. You can get through this, daily victory by daily victory.

 

[Andy9120]

DAY TWENTY THREE

Very busy day today. Not too many cravings. Wow, not looking at porn gives you so much time to do other fun and productive things!

Thanks for the support guys