Moth-head
Member
Day 2:
I am 2 days in to my cold-turkey.
I have tried rebooting many times on my own, before I discovered this site (through Gary Wilson?s Your Brain on Porn, which I found to be a great resource). I am sure anyone reading this is familiar with the short paths to relapse: ?I have been so good for 2 weeks now, it won?t hurt to reward myself,? or, ?The wife/parents/roomate is out tonight, I can?t pass up a night alone,? and many more too numerous and pathetic to recount.
I have been a porn-addict since I was 12. It has filled my days and nights for most of my life now. It is terrifying to think, if someone from the outside was watching my life, what they would think of me. They would see all the things I think of as me, the things I do at my job, the time I spend with my family, but they would also see all the hours I spend on porn. If it were me looking down on another person like that I would judge them pretty harshly for not having the willpower to stop.
In my mind, however, that is a different person. I am a hard-working and productive member of society, he is the one who cannot resist the urge to fap as soon as he is left alone. I am a shy, polite person who respects women, he is the one who watches with pleasure as women get degraded for no logical reason. I have control over my life and my actions, he is the addict. I really don?t like him, and would happily get rid of him. But, sadly, he is me and I can only hope that I can find a way to quiet him such that the real me, or the me I aspire to be, is the dominant one in my life.
Where I stand at present:
I regard myself as pretty lucky, given what I have read about what others have suffered with Porn Addiction. I have a good job, a loving wife and kids. I am able to prioritise all of these things above porn, and have managed to keep my addiction a secret from everyone in my life for nearly 20 years. I suffer very limited ED, and only during times where I have completely over-indulged. I can usually avoid this by cutting back, which is usually possible. I have not binged in a very long time now, possibly 3 years or so.
DE is more of a concern for me, and it makes thing uncomfortable for my wife when it takes too long for me to climax. It is one of the things I would like to remedy by getting this particular gorilla off my back. I also want to see my wife?s beautiful face when I close my eyes during climax. Not some stranger who I would probably not respect in real life for choosing to work in the porn industry (Yes, I am aware of how deep my hypocrisy runs)
I have, through habit and necessity, managed to regulate my habit to a very regular hour to hour and a half session every night. It sounds pretty awful to put it like that, but I find it far more manageable than what it was 4 or 5 years ago, when sessions would last 3-4 hours and sometimes happen as many times per day.
Somehow, the routine, like an addict who can take a measured dose of their drug of choice comfortably for many years, is sadder. It is so much a part of my life I have it worked into my daily schedule. I also know that a backslide is possible, even likely, if my routine is altered, and I hate that it takes up so much of my time.
I have a number of projects that I would dearly love to finish. Ones I know I am capable of finishing, and which offer me opportunities to greatly improve my working life, but which I give up on when the inspiration runs dry and I have to do the really hard work. It is far easier to fap and enjoy the mindless passage of time that is like a sort of de-energising meditation.
While I feel, in my current state, I could potentially manage my life and Porn Addiction without too many problems (and I am well aware that those are probably the famous last words of every addict), I want to be done with porn now. I want the hours of my life I have spent hunched over in praise to the pixel gods back. It makes me furious to think the work I could have done, or the skills I could have learned in the countless hours I spent in self-pleasure. Hours which, even more regrettably, I have almost no memory of, or even any association of pleasure or enjoyment.
My hopes:
With the help of this journal my hope is to get clean of Porn Addiction. I am aware that I am addict, and have been aware for a long time. I want to spend my time on this Earth more productively, and leave behind something more of myself than a few soggy tissues at the bottom of a landfill somewhere. Hope to be a better husband and lover to my wife, she certainly deserves that and more, and I hope that my children don?t have to find me one day, dead from a heart-attack or aneurysm, slumped over my PC, limp dick in hand and porn still playing on the screen. I want them to think better of me than that.
So this is the start of my new run at a clean lifestyle. I will try to post on here regularly. While I appreciate support, you do not need to feel the need to comment. This my way of screaming into the void, and, because I need two hands to type, at least one way of sitting in front of my PC without fapping.
Hopefully be back soon.
I am 2 days in to my cold-turkey.
I have tried rebooting many times on my own, before I discovered this site (through Gary Wilson?s Your Brain on Porn, which I found to be a great resource). I am sure anyone reading this is familiar with the short paths to relapse: ?I have been so good for 2 weeks now, it won?t hurt to reward myself,? or, ?The wife/parents/roomate is out tonight, I can?t pass up a night alone,? and many more too numerous and pathetic to recount.
I have been a porn-addict since I was 12. It has filled my days and nights for most of my life now. It is terrifying to think, if someone from the outside was watching my life, what they would think of me. They would see all the things I think of as me, the things I do at my job, the time I spend with my family, but they would also see all the hours I spend on porn. If it were me looking down on another person like that I would judge them pretty harshly for not having the willpower to stop.
In my mind, however, that is a different person. I am a hard-working and productive member of society, he is the one who cannot resist the urge to fap as soon as he is left alone. I am a shy, polite person who respects women, he is the one who watches with pleasure as women get degraded for no logical reason. I have control over my life and my actions, he is the addict. I really don?t like him, and would happily get rid of him. But, sadly, he is me and I can only hope that I can find a way to quiet him such that the real me, or the me I aspire to be, is the dominant one in my life.
Where I stand at present:
I regard myself as pretty lucky, given what I have read about what others have suffered with Porn Addiction. I have a good job, a loving wife and kids. I am able to prioritise all of these things above porn, and have managed to keep my addiction a secret from everyone in my life for nearly 20 years. I suffer very limited ED, and only during times where I have completely over-indulged. I can usually avoid this by cutting back, which is usually possible. I have not binged in a very long time now, possibly 3 years or so.
DE is more of a concern for me, and it makes thing uncomfortable for my wife when it takes too long for me to climax. It is one of the things I would like to remedy by getting this particular gorilla off my back. I also want to see my wife?s beautiful face when I close my eyes during climax. Not some stranger who I would probably not respect in real life for choosing to work in the porn industry (Yes, I am aware of how deep my hypocrisy runs)
I have, through habit and necessity, managed to regulate my habit to a very regular hour to hour and a half session every night. It sounds pretty awful to put it like that, but I find it far more manageable than what it was 4 or 5 years ago, when sessions would last 3-4 hours and sometimes happen as many times per day.
Somehow, the routine, like an addict who can take a measured dose of their drug of choice comfortably for many years, is sadder. It is so much a part of my life I have it worked into my daily schedule. I also know that a backslide is possible, even likely, if my routine is altered, and I hate that it takes up so much of my time.
I have a number of projects that I would dearly love to finish. Ones I know I am capable of finishing, and which offer me opportunities to greatly improve my working life, but which I give up on when the inspiration runs dry and I have to do the really hard work. It is far easier to fap and enjoy the mindless passage of time that is like a sort of de-energising meditation.
While I feel, in my current state, I could potentially manage my life and Porn Addiction without too many problems (and I am well aware that those are probably the famous last words of every addict), I want to be done with porn now. I want the hours of my life I have spent hunched over in praise to the pixel gods back. It makes me furious to think the work I could have done, or the skills I could have learned in the countless hours I spent in self-pleasure. Hours which, even more regrettably, I have almost no memory of, or even any association of pleasure or enjoyment.
My hopes:
With the help of this journal my hope is to get clean of Porn Addiction. I am aware that I am addict, and have been aware for a long time. I want to spend my time on this Earth more productively, and leave behind something more of myself than a few soggy tissues at the bottom of a landfill somewhere. Hope to be a better husband and lover to my wife, she certainly deserves that and more, and I hope that my children don?t have to find me one day, dead from a heart-attack or aneurysm, slumped over my PC, limp dick in hand and porn still playing on the screen. I want them to think better of me than that.
So this is the start of my new run at a clean lifestyle. I will try to post on here regularly. While I appreciate support, you do not need to feel the need to comment. This my way of screaming into the void, and, because I need two hands to type, at least one way of sitting in front of my PC without fapping.
Hopefully be back soon.