Deadcat's Journal

[Deadcat]

72 Days w/o Porn

Yesterday I broke down and masterbated but not to porn.  I had been concerned about my lack of feeling below and decided to give it a test.  Everything worked well but my concern now is that I need physical stimulation (my hand) in order to get hard.  With just the appearance of my gorgeous wife....nothing.  I don't want to train my brain to my hand, I want everything to work on attraction alone.  I likely need to stop MOing. 

This morning I decided to give sex with my wife a try.  Everything worked again but I was quicker than I'd like. I chalk this up to nerves and lack of practice.  I hoping and praying that around 6 months in I should be stronger, harder and able to last longer.

 

[JedClampett]

Deadcat:

I suggest you change your name to StrongCat or something a bit more positive.  I read through your entire thread and found your writing spectacular.  (I am a writer by profession.)

Like you I wonder if I also need to be PIED for 9 months or more to get back to where I was
in the past.  But I find your words about your struggle encouraging.

"Undertake what's easy as if it were hard, and what's hard as if it were easy."
17th Century Jesuit Priest, Baltacar Gracian

 

[Karzam]

Hi Deadcat,

I'd chalk up the sex as a definite win! That's the healthy version of sex release, the fact it was faster than you'd like is an aside realistically. As you say, that's just an issue of a lack of practice and easily resolvable.

Karzam

 

[Deadcat]

Thank you, gentlemen.

I was a creative writing major in college and love to write.  I one day would like to write a book about my experiences with my first wife's passing but am not there yet.

Today is day 73 without porn.  A visit to the gym has caused me the urge to MO.  I've resisted and come here instead.  I honestly believe I need to quit MOing in addition to giving up porn (at least in the short term).  I don't believe it's healthy until I can get a strong erection w/o physical stimulation.  I haven't done it a lot since quitting porn.  In fact, I believe I can count on both hands the number of times.  I just know that the flatline effect falls shortly after MOing.  And I hate the flatline effect!

I must admit too that I cheated taking Viagra the past couple of nights to help with performance.  I don't like doing this and encourage others not to, but failing in bed effects my wife.  After having sex, even not the greatest sex, I can feel an improvement in my relationship with my wife.  It's been the case with both my wives that long periods of time without sex tends to affect how we get along.  I know when I'm healthy I plan to increase my frequency with my wife and both of us will enjoy it.  I just need to get healthy first.  Currently my less than stellar performance keeps her desire down.  I know from early on in our relationship that this changes when my performance improves.

 

[JedClampett]

Deadcat:

You are one winning Cat!  I read that you were once in the military.  Did you have some good experiences there that
can help you continue to win now? 

I have heard that our brains have a larger size for negative memories because they are more complex than positive
memories.  So it's hard not to focus on what's been positive in our past.  If that is true then we must work hard to
always remember those things which were positive.  (I wonder what is actually a positive thing.  Was knowing certain
girls definitely were interested in me in my college years a positive memory?  I mean if I screwed those possible relationships
up because of inaction on my part a positive memory?  Maybe I'm confused as to what is a positive memory or a negative
memory.  But there are many activities and things that we know are negative!)

Continue winning Cat!!!

 

[JedClampett]

Hey Deadcat I'm finishing Day 3 here.  It's 11:09 and I WANT to do the dishes.
Stick with it, we are all pulling for you here!  You will soon be known as "StrongCat."
"One thing about that man, he is strong!"

 

[GreenDevil]

Wow that list of ED causes hit home.
Tried everything,been porn free almost 100 percent since Jan 1st
Just a couple times now no interest in at all.still not a lot of improvement
But I think it will get there

 

[JedClampett]

Day 5 here guys.  My productivity has gone up 100%.  To me that is the big thing.  Even if I never do another woman it's worth
it to avoid the P!!!

8) 8) 8) 

 

[Deadcat]

Day 76, not too bad

I am disappointed by the lack of recovery.  Lots of flatlining going over here.  I?m sad that for 23 years of my life I barely used porn aside from an occasional peek at my mother?s VS catalog or the latest SI Swimsuit Edition.  But because of my desire to perform, I got caught in the porn trap for the next 20 years.  And now, here I am unable to please my much deserving wife.  I hate myself a little for this but look forward to recovery.  More and more I expecting it to take closer to 6 or 9 months.  I do believe my MO slips have hurt my recovery as it is training my brain to react to physical stimulation instead of visual stimulation (live bodies not porn).

I?ve also been taking Viagra for help.  I am not certain this is good.  Many sites I?ve read are okay with it.  I?m a hypocrite because I?ve advised others to avoid help from drugs.  I do believe that?s best but as a married man with serious flatline issues, I can?t afford to continue to fail in bed.

 

[mousemat1]

The flatline can be hell but don't let it trick you into thinking your reboot isn't working! Stay strong and maintain your reboot. You will heal! My longest flatline was 146 days after which I panicked and watched porn. I was very stupid! It's for this reason I'm rebooting again. Good luck!

 

[JedClampett]

mousemat1:

Please explain what "the flatline," is to me.  I'm new on Reboot Nation and this term confuses me.
I am also a 40+ year old virgin.

Thank you!!!

 

[Karzam]

Hi Deadcat,

At the end of your post, you say that 'you can't afford to continue to fail in bed' - has your wife actually said something to that effect? I'm not trying to have a go at her, I'm just wondering whether you're unduly putting pressure on yourself here...

Karzam

 

[JedClampett]

Flatline...what does it mean?

 

[mousemat1]

The 'flatline' is a period many porn addicts have to go through before they recover.

Basically, after stopping masturbating to porn many addicts report that their libido drops to zero. In my case I have no libido, no desire for sex. This is often accompanied by a dead penis. I also have a dead penis. I have only managed to get a decent erection on two or three occasions. For the last 98 days my penis has effectively been dead. There is little or no sensation.

It's important not to panic and check if you can get an erection to porn. It's very tempting because if feels as if my penis is completely lifeless and will never recover. Do not check your erections to porn!

 

[JedClampett]

mousemat1

Thank you for having the courage to tell me what flatline means.  I truly did not know.
A friend of mine told me he has no desire for the P.  I did not believe him.  Now I do.
He had regular TV with P on years ago.  This is one of my best friends and the guy is a genius
when it comes to technology.  But I think he ruined his life with the P.  (I think he could come out
of it of course...no one is a lost cause)

Hopefully we can be models for all the men involved in PMO.  We have to believe that more men
do it than would ever admit to it.  Even fewer still would admit they have a problem.
Can you imagine the young kids that get ahold of it?  It seems to me that is much scarier than anything.
They do not realize the problems and I bet many think they have discovered a secret to winning women.

I admit that one thing I thought porn did for me is make me more confident around women.  I think it did
dull me to their beauty somewhat.  But I may have been disillusioned about gaining confidence.
One gains confidence by doing something worthwhile! 

 

[TakeActionNow]

Addiction is not simply on P.
It can be drugs, gambling, smoking.
Addiction simply means dependence.
And dependence stems from denial/avoidance

To come out of any addiction is to become independent and facing up to all of life's challenges.
That is the foundation towards development of personal strength.
With strength comes experience, and with experience, character.

Women have to face up with their reality day in and day out, so they dont like men who avoid or cannot endure.

So you are right, build your confidence by doing more, experiencing more. You gain nothing with assured outcomes, but everything when you do something new and challenging.

 

[JedClampett]

TakeActionNow:

You are correct.  For me that means being more social.
I cannot do it alone.
No one can.
Let's do it!!!
: 8)

 

[Deadcat]

79 Days w/o Porn

Still some flatlining.  Morning wood is coming back which I am thankful for.  Need to focus on the cause instead of the symptom.  I have been incredibly lazy recently. I need to get more active at work to fill my time.  This past week I?ve been oversleeping and not focusing on production. I need to start planning and getting stuff done.

 

[JedClampett]

Deadcat:

I am on Day 9 now.  I've heard that no one is really lazy.  It's motivation that get's things done.
So motivate yourself.  Lately I have been getting back into my secular music.  However I do tend
to play the songs that inspire me.

Everyone needs inspiration in their life to be motivated.

I learned a long time ago from my mother to make lists.  Everyone should make lists.  I am finding
that I need to make short-term lists as well as long-term lists.  Inch by inch, life's a cinch.  Yard by
yard it's very hard.  We need to just do better than we did the day before.  Then continue to improve
the following day.

I'm writing this for me, just as much for you.

 

[Deadcat]

81 Days and counting!

Had an interesting session with my wife last night it was great.  We really just made out.  I tried to resisting Oing but could only hold off so long.  I believe the interaction was positive though and she enjoyed it which means more than anything.