JedClampett
Active Member
Deadcat: (Day 11 for me)
I think you have inspired me. I substitute taught gym today. In everyone of those classes I had to line the kids up
after class by the doorway. If you know anything about teaching gym, you know that time can sometimes be a period when
trouble starts.
I found myself singing a Walt Disney song (hopefully I have the words right) "Everybody wants to be the Cat but the
Cat's the Cat who knows where it's at." Of course the 5th graders laughed but the younger kids got something out of
it. Everyone wants to be the Cat or leader. Isn't that true? We all want to be the one who teaches or leads everyone
else. Or we might want to be the comedian. We want to be the Center of Attention!
Anyway I thank you.
I think you have inspired me. I substitute taught gym today. In everyone of those classes I had to line the kids up
after class by the doorway. If you know anything about teaching gym, you know that time can sometimes be a period when
trouble starts.
I found myself singing a Walt Disney song (hopefully I have the words right) "Everybody wants to be the Cat but the
Cat's the Cat who knows where it's at." Of course the 5th graders laughed but the younger kids got something out of
it. Everyone wants to be the Cat or leader. Isn't that true? We all want to be the one who teaches or leads everyone
else. Or we might want to be the comedian. We want to be the Center of Attention!
Anyway I thank you.
ClaudeBolling
Member
70+ days without porn is so far away for me. Well done thats all i can say
D
Deadcat
Guest
Day 84 (nearly 3 months) w/o porn
I had sex again with my wife on Sunday morning. I didn't last long and disappointed both myself and my wife. She mocked me again referring me to minute man several times throughout the day. I hate that I did this to myself and to us.
I was very irritable yesterday. A lot of road rage driving to church and back. I got upset with my family because I wanted to watch sports and the kids kept turning the channel. I recognized that I was very anxious but had not reason. I wonder if this is a side effect of my rebooting. If it is, this is the first time I've recognized it.
I will say my flatline is less the past couple of days. I definitely have more feeling below than in previous weeks. I'm hopeful that this is a sign that I am recovering. My biggest concern now is addressing my PE.
I am thankful that I have had little desire to look at porn. I have wanted click on some click bate on some sports websites I visit. I've also wanted to look up some hot actresses. Thankfully I recognize what I'm trying to trick myself into doing and have resisted. I also find myself looking away from the TV when hot woman or sex scenes come on. It feels weird but I know it's for the best. I don't, however, do that same at the gym or in real life. I have convinced myself that real women are okay, just not pixelated women. I do, however, try not to be that creepy guy who stares too long. It's usually just appreciation of one of God's creations. I also avoid fantasizing as this is a product of porn.
I had sex again with my wife on Sunday morning. I didn't last long and disappointed both myself and my wife. She mocked me again referring me to minute man several times throughout the day. I hate that I did this to myself and to us.
I was very irritable yesterday. A lot of road rage driving to church and back. I got upset with my family because I wanted to watch sports and the kids kept turning the channel. I recognized that I was very anxious but had not reason. I wonder if this is a side effect of my rebooting. If it is, this is the first time I've recognized it.
I will say my flatline is less the past couple of days. I definitely have more feeling below than in previous weeks. I'm hopeful that this is a sign that I am recovering. My biggest concern now is addressing my PE.
I am thankful that I have had little desire to look at porn. I have wanted click on some click bate on some sports websites I visit. I've also wanted to look up some hot actresses. Thankfully I recognize what I'm trying to trick myself into doing and have resisted. I also find myself looking away from the TV when hot woman or sex scenes come on. It feels weird but I know it's for the best. I don't, however, do that same at the gym or in real life. I have convinced myself that real women are okay, just not pixelated women. I do, however, try not to be that creepy guy who stares too long. It's usually just appreciation of one of God's creations. I also avoid fantasizing as this is a product of porn.
TakeActionNow
Respected Member
Cat,
Thank you so much for sharing.
If you dont mind me being open with you.
I apologize if I am too direct.
"She mocked me again referring me to minute man several times throughout the day."
Whatever the history, we dont live in the past and must move on.
I looked back in my past and recognized that I made poor choices because I choose cravings over self respect.
You placed your wife's words here because it bothered you. You have 3 choices:
1. delete them from your memory and move on
2. recognize your challenges, have self respect, tell her that her words hurt and ask her to be respectful towards you too.
3. Alternatively, look deeper into her words. Is she mocking you or is she disappointed with herself? Get to the root of her concerns so that there is no misunderstanding. Tell her that you care.
"I hate that I did this to myself and to us."
The most important thing is that you are making effort.
Stop hating yourself and your past. The only thing that matters is you making effort now for today and tomorrow.
You need to know this and so does your family.
Self hurt and blame does not help.
Only effort helps.
"I was very irritable yesterday. A lot of road rage driving to church and back. I got upset with my family because I wanted to watch sports and the kids kept turning the channel. I recognized that I was very anxious but had not reason. I wonder if this is a side effect of my rebooting. If it is, this is the first time I've recognized it."
Porn for the long time has been a means of escape for us from all things difficult in life.
Escaping means not addressing the root of the problems.
Now that we are not escaping, 2 things are happening :
1. our problems and emotions are real and in our face
2. we got to deal with them
What might be happening to you is:
1. build up of tension from lack of escape time
2. recognition of your reality and what you need to face
3. feeling a lack of control in your environment
This is coming to terms with the root of our addiction. It is not porn. It is reality.
Recognition and coming to terms is GOOD !
It is only when we have awareness of what is the problem can we start to address them.
This is the most difficult part of reboot.
It is not the abstinence or lack of access to porn, but the coming to terms of conditions and situations that drove us to addiction in the first case.
Now comes the fun part.
Lacking old escape routes, how do you address your reality problems now ?
Are you now able to see clearly the causes and effects that lead to your emotional states?
Can you find ways to better monitor and moderate your emotional states?
Can you identify what is more important at any point in time?
I was very irritable yesterday. A lot of road rage driving to church and back.
(Recognition of emotional state is good. Perhaps it helps to dive deeper for the root)
I got upset with my family because I wanted to watch sports and the kids kept turning the channel.
(you were already edgy and trying to relax in a chaotic environment. Would removing yourself or engaging with the family be a better choice? )
I recognized that I was very anxious but had not reason.
(a little time to think about this usually reveals the root)
I wonder if this is a side effect of my rebooting.
( this is not a side effect. It is the unblocking and recognition of what we have been unwilling to face for a long time. Reboot is about coming to terms. )
If it is, this is the first time I've recognized it.
(This is good. Keep your eyes wide open. All these are clues and hints to what you need to address and are what's important and affecting you. Engage them deeply and with gusto )
I wish you well and great success in your recovery!!!
Thank you so much for sharing.
If you dont mind me being open with you.
I apologize if I am too direct.
"She mocked me again referring me to minute man several times throughout the day."
Whatever the history, we dont live in the past and must move on.
I looked back in my past and recognized that I made poor choices because I choose cravings over self respect.
You placed your wife's words here because it bothered you. You have 3 choices:
1. delete them from your memory and move on
2. recognize your challenges, have self respect, tell her that her words hurt and ask her to be respectful towards you too.
3. Alternatively, look deeper into her words. Is she mocking you or is she disappointed with herself? Get to the root of her concerns so that there is no misunderstanding. Tell her that you care.
"I hate that I did this to myself and to us."
The most important thing is that you are making effort.
Stop hating yourself and your past. The only thing that matters is you making effort now for today and tomorrow.
You need to know this and so does your family.
Self hurt and blame does not help.
Only effort helps.
"I was very irritable yesterday. A lot of road rage driving to church and back. I got upset with my family because I wanted to watch sports and the kids kept turning the channel. I recognized that I was very anxious but had not reason. I wonder if this is a side effect of my rebooting. If it is, this is the first time I've recognized it."
Porn for the long time has been a means of escape for us from all things difficult in life.
Escaping means not addressing the root of the problems.
Now that we are not escaping, 2 things are happening :
1. our problems and emotions are real and in our face
2. we got to deal with them
What might be happening to you is:
1. build up of tension from lack of escape time
2. recognition of your reality and what you need to face
3. feeling a lack of control in your environment
This is coming to terms with the root of our addiction. It is not porn. It is reality.
Recognition and coming to terms is GOOD !
It is only when we have awareness of what is the problem can we start to address them.
This is the most difficult part of reboot.
It is not the abstinence or lack of access to porn, but the coming to terms of conditions and situations that drove us to addiction in the first case.
Now comes the fun part.
Lacking old escape routes, how do you address your reality problems now ?
Are you now able to see clearly the causes and effects that lead to your emotional states?
Can you find ways to better monitor and moderate your emotional states?
Can you identify what is more important at any point in time?
I was very irritable yesterday. A lot of road rage driving to church and back.
(Recognition of emotional state is good. Perhaps it helps to dive deeper for the root)
I got upset with my family because I wanted to watch sports and the kids kept turning the channel.
(you were already edgy and trying to relax in a chaotic environment. Would removing yourself or engaging with the family be a better choice? )
I recognized that I was very anxious but had not reason.
(a little time to think about this usually reveals the root)
I wonder if this is a side effect of my rebooting.
( this is not a side effect. It is the unblocking and recognition of what we have been unwilling to face for a long time. Reboot is about coming to terms. )
If it is, this is the first time I've recognized it.
(This is good. Keep your eyes wide open. All these are clues and hints to what you need to address and are what's important and affecting you. Engage them deeply and with gusto )
I wish you well and great success in your recovery!!!
JedClampett
Active Member
Deadcat:
I get mad when I hear that stuff about a guy not lasting. Maybe that's why I still a virgin.
To my knowledge women do not have performance anxiety. All they have to do is lay there.
It's not fair for her to judge you.
Yes, if she was Pam Anderson Lee no one would have a problem! I guess maybe that's where
the fairness comes in?
I saw this thing on You Tube.com where this guy talked about how when we go to the beach, or
other places where beautiful young women might be, just because we look does not mean that
we love her any less. We are just wired to look. We crave variety. Sex is very different for women.
At least that is what I have been told!!!
I get mad when I hear that stuff about a guy not lasting. Maybe that's why I still a virgin.
To my knowledge women do not have performance anxiety. All they have to do is lay there.
It's not fair for her to judge you.
Yes, if she was Pam Anderson Lee no one would have a problem! I guess maybe that's where
the fairness comes in?
I saw this thing on You Tube.com where this guy talked about how when we go to the beach, or
other places where beautiful young women might be, just because we look does not mean that
we love her any less. We are just wired to look. We crave variety. Sex is very different for women.
At least that is what I have been told!!!
D
Deadcat
Guest
Day 85 w/o porn
TakeActionNow - thank you for your thoughtful response. I agree with much of what you wrote. I have forgiven myself and am actually pretty good with self reflection. I don't know if I can pinpoint the cause of my frustration the other day. It was a lot of little things adding up that really shouldn't have. I probably needed a timeout to calm down before exploding on my family. I'm naturally anxious and have to do a better job controlling my emotions.
In regards to my wife, I've told her many times that I don't appreciate her making fun of me and that doing so might only add to the problem. She doesn't care. She is obviously frustrated with our challenges in bed and taking it out on me. I love her though so I put up with it. I also blame myself for being here. It was my sin that caused our problem, not hers.
On a broader note, I wonder how much of my problem is PIED now and how much is caused by a strain in my spousal relationship? My first experience with PIED was on vacation with my now wife (then girlfriend). When my first wife was sick, I sought escape with porn far too frequently. After she passed, I stopped PMOing and MOing and unknowingly rebooted. That's why we had some of the greatest sex of my life. When my wife left a few days before me to go on vacation, I was stressed, insecure, and jealous so I went back to porn in her absence. When I arrived on our trip, my body had adjusted back to porn and shut down. PIED occurred which my wife (then girlfriend) did not handle well. This was a first for me so I too did not handle it well. I should have recognized the problem and sought healing then, but I didn't. It took me years of misdiagnosing the problem and still using porn, now to overcome my challenges in bed, before I finally realized the true problem: PORN. I never had problems in bed with my first wife. I wonder sometimes how much my wife's verbal abuse has affected me. I won't truly know until I finish my reboot.
Jed - Thank you as well for your concerns. Through experience you'll find out that the man is always expected to perform. You'll also find more of a connection with some women than others. It's that chemistry you always hear about. And it's real. Some women will be crazy in bed with you and you'll greatly appreciate the things they do for you. Others will, like you say, just lay there. If a woman just lays there, move on. That's not chemistry and not someone you should stay with. My wife most certainly doesn't lay there when I am performing. It's quite awesome in fact, which is why I so much want to get that magic back. Some day my friend, you will understand. Keep up the fight.
TakeActionNow - thank you for your thoughtful response. I agree with much of what you wrote. I have forgiven myself and am actually pretty good with self reflection. I don't know if I can pinpoint the cause of my frustration the other day. It was a lot of little things adding up that really shouldn't have. I probably needed a timeout to calm down before exploding on my family. I'm naturally anxious and have to do a better job controlling my emotions.
In regards to my wife, I've told her many times that I don't appreciate her making fun of me and that doing so might only add to the problem. She doesn't care. She is obviously frustrated with our challenges in bed and taking it out on me. I love her though so I put up with it. I also blame myself for being here. It was my sin that caused our problem, not hers.
On a broader note, I wonder how much of my problem is PIED now and how much is caused by a strain in my spousal relationship? My first experience with PIED was on vacation with my now wife (then girlfriend). When my first wife was sick, I sought escape with porn far too frequently. After she passed, I stopped PMOing and MOing and unknowingly rebooted. That's why we had some of the greatest sex of my life. When my wife left a few days before me to go on vacation, I was stressed, insecure, and jealous so I went back to porn in her absence. When I arrived on our trip, my body had adjusted back to porn and shut down. PIED occurred which my wife (then girlfriend) did not handle well. This was a first for me so I too did not handle it well. I should have recognized the problem and sought healing then, but I didn't. It took me years of misdiagnosing the problem and still using porn, now to overcome my challenges in bed, before I finally realized the true problem: PORN. I never had problems in bed with my first wife. I wonder sometimes how much my wife's verbal abuse has affected me. I won't truly know until I finish my reboot.
Jed - Thank you as well for your concerns. Through experience you'll find out that the man is always expected to perform. You'll also find more of a connection with some women than others. It's that chemistry you always hear about. And it's real. Some women will be crazy in bed with you and you'll greatly appreciate the things they do for you. Others will, like you say, just lay there. If a woman just lays there, move on. That's not chemistry and not someone you should stay with. My wife most certainly doesn't lay there when I am performing. It's quite awesome in fact, which is why I so much want to get that magic back. Some day my friend, you will understand. Keep up the fight.
TakeActionNow
Respected Member
Thank you for your reply Cat.
Imo, porn is not the problem.
Its our understanding and approach to our life's challenges thats the problem.
That's where we need to put more study and effort on.
You say you're naturally anxious.
Thats very good self recognition.
Anxious people also worry alot, think alot and are often high strung. Turns out i am too!
So please go find methods that would help you when you feel tense.
Try to see the world differently.
Try to see people differently.
On your wife, since we cant change others, change ourself.
Change the way you approach her.
Instead of asking, do.
Experiment. Go back to dating mode.
Find ways to wow and surprise her.
Make her feel special.
By your description, she sounds like a lively person.
Be lively yourself too.
Reboot is not about porn abstinence.
It is about coming back to terms with one's life challenges AND doing things differently now.
Please keep trying.
I know you will do well.
Imo, porn is not the problem.
Its our understanding and approach to our life's challenges thats the problem.
That's where we need to put more study and effort on.
You say you're naturally anxious.
Thats very good self recognition.
Anxious people also worry alot, think alot and are often high strung. Turns out i am too!
So please go find methods that would help you when you feel tense.
Try to see the world differently.
Try to see people differently.
On your wife, since we cant change others, change ourself.
Change the way you approach her.
Instead of asking, do.
Experiment. Go back to dating mode.
Find ways to wow and surprise her.
Make her feel special.
By your description, she sounds like a lively person.
Be lively yourself too.
Reboot is not about porn abstinence.
It is about coming back to terms with one's life challenges AND doing things differently now.
Please keep trying.
I know you will do well.
D
Deadcat
Guest
87 Days and just not there yet.
I'd been feeling better the past couple of days. Waking up with significant wood. Experience wood a couple times during the night. I've been fighting off the urge to MO but today I broke down. I started down that path but did not have good EQ. I knew it was a bad road to tread down but I opened up twitter to help getting me over the hump. Didn't work, still limp with M'ing. This just breaks my heart for two reasons. One, I went back to a bad habit. Two, I still can't get hard.
I didn't watch porn and never plan to. I stopped myself after experiencing limp dick. I'm sure I didn't help the rewiring of my brain and probably set myself back but I don't want to think of it. I'm probably on a journey of six months or longer before I heal. Which is sad.
Yesterday I watched a video yesterday on sexless marriage. For those married rebooters, click the link below. It's worth a watch.
https://youtu.be/LVgzOyHVcj4
The video talks about marriage without sex and says if you have sex with your partner less than 10 times a year, you have a sexless marriage. It talks about the benefits of sex alone and also to a marriage. My wife and are a probably down to twice a month, 24 times a year. Not sexless but damn near close. This is due to my inabilities in the bedroom which are due to my choice to watch porn. I want a better marriage than this. I need to stay strong.
I'd been feeling better the past couple of days. Waking up with significant wood. Experience wood a couple times during the night. I've been fighting off the urge to MO but today I broke down. I started down that path but did not have good EQ. I knew it was a bad road to tread down but I opened up twitter to help getting me over the hump. Didn't work, still limp with M'ing. This just breaks my heart for two reasons. One, I went back to a bad habit. Two, I still can't get hard.
I didn't watch porn and never plan to. I stopped myself after experiencing limp dick. I'm sure I didn't help the rewiring of my brain and probably set myself back but I don't want to think of it. I'm probably on a journey of six months or longer before I heal. Which is sad.
Yesterday I watched a video yesterday on sexless marriage. For those married rebooters, click the link below. It's worth a watch.
https://youtu.be/LVgzOyHVcj4
The video talks about marriage without sex and says if you have sex with your partner less than 10 times a year, you have a sexless marriage. It talks about the benefits of sex alone and also to a marriage. My wife and are a probably down to twice a month, 24 times a year. Not sexless but damn near close. This is due to my inabilities in the bedroom which are due to my choice to watch porn. I want a better marriage than this. I need to stay strong.
T
Totte
Guest
Awesome work ther 87 day's
im on my first after relaps
im on my first after relaps
D
Deadcat
Guest
88 Days w/o Porn
Yesterday was not a good day. It started with my strong desire to MO and my inability to get erect. I then experienced a lot of flatline yesterday. I had a feeling my wife was in the mood so I took a pill last night to help but avoiding going to bed with her. I worked and really wasn't tempted to watch porn. As I've said before, my porn days are done. Unfortunately I still like looking at sexy women and haven't convinced myself that looking at the occasional still photo is just as bad. As I learned yesterday, it pretty much is. I recognize that those photos didn't work yesterday because my brain was shocked enough. As I've read and watched, I know my brain was looking for something new or different to jump start the dopamine. I didn't give in and was left with a limp dick.
This morning, as I had guessed, my wife decided to give her a try. Even though I took the pill, I wasn't hard and I knew things were not going to go well. My EQ was poor and I even told my wife as we started that I wasn't going to last long. My F'ing PE kicked in after about 10 seconds. So embarrassing and humiliating. I could tell both my wife and I were disappointed. I at least have hope that this will end. I'm not sure she does. That scares me. How can I keep my wife from straying if she doesn't have any hope that I'll ever be able to satisfy her again. She's not that kind of woman but after 4 years of this S, I think even the strongest woman would start to stray (but that could be me thinking like a man). The video I shared yesterday says that men stray to save their marriages and women stray to leave them. I don't want to lose my wife and my family over something I started years ago. If only I'd listened to the numerous people that warned me.
I now have to believe that my healing is going to be more of the 180 to 360 day variety instead of the 30-90 day variety which I was hoping for. After pushing through those marks, experience some signs of healing, I still find myself mostly flatlined with many of the same issues I had for that past four years.
What I'm confused about is why then? I know my last post explained the unconscious reboot and my soon after relapse. But before my unintentional reboot I hadn't ever experienced PIED. But ever since my relapse, it's been devastating. Did I increase my porn use at that time? Did the years of watching finally catch up to me? I know my wife wonders why I never had these problems with my first wife and now can't seem to get away from them with her. I wonder that as well but I know it's not what she thinks. I'm crazy attracted to her. My feelings for her are every bit as strong as for my first wife. I feel bad for her. She likely feels like I don't love her, that I'm not attracted to her. Or, she believes that I'm too busy watching porn all day instead of loving her. She hasn't said that last one. I guess I'm waiting for her to do so before I confess that I've had PIED for the past four years and have found a cure. Giving up porn. I know who she is and how she'd react to that betrayal. I want to avoid hurting her and would prefer to heal naturally rather than have to confess. Plus, I've shared with her many times my "solutions" to my ED and PE. None of them have been accurate diagnosis so she's stopped believe I know what the hell I'm talking about. To some degree, I have too. This reboot has to work though. Has to! I feel like a unik. I feel like my sins have led me to a place where I'll never be allowed to experience pleasure from sex again. That can't be the case, can it?
Yesterday was not a good day. It started with my strong desire to MO and my inability to get erect. I then experienced a lot of flatline yesterday. I had a feeling my wife was in the mood so I took a pill last night to help but avoiding going to bed with her. I worked and really wasn't tempted to watch porn. As I've said before, my porn days are done. Unfortunately I still like looking at sexy women and haven't convinced myself that looking at the occasional still photo is just as bad. As I learned yesterday, it pretty much is. I recognize that those photos didn't work yesterday because my brain was shocked enough. As I've read and watched, I know my brain was looking for something new or different to jump start the dopamine. I didn't give in and was left with a limp dick.
This morning, as I had guessed, my wife decided to give her a try. Even though I took the pill, I wasn't hard and I knew things were not going to go well. My EQ was poor and I even told my wife as we started that I wasn't going to last long. My F'ing PE kicked in after about 10 seconds. So embarrassing and humiliating. I could tell both my wife and I were disappointed. I at least have hope that this will end. I'm not sure she does. That scares me. How can I keep my wife from straying if she doesn't have any hope that I'll ever be able to satisfy her again. She's not that kind of woman but after 4 years of this S, I think even the strongest woman would start to stray (but that could be me thinking like a man). The video I shared yesterday says that men stray to save their marriages and women stray to leave them. I don't want to lose my wife and my family over something I started years ago. If only I'd listened to the numerous people that warned me.
I now have to believe that my healing is going to be more of the 180 to 360 day variety instead of the 30-90 day variety which I was hoping for. After pushing through those marks, experience some signs of healing, I still find myself mostly flatlined with many of the same issues I had for that past four years.
What I'm confused about is why then? I know my last post explained the unconscious reboot and my soon after relapse. But before my unintentional reboot I hadn't ever experienced PIED. But ever since my relapse, it's been devastating. Did I increase my porn use at that time? Did the years of watching finally catch up to me? I know my wife wonders why I never had these problems with my first wife and now can't seem to get away from them with her. I wonder that as well but I know it's not what she thinks. I'm crazy attracted to her. My feelings for her are every bit as strong as for my first wife. I feel bad for her. She likely feels like I don't love her, that I'm not attracted to her. Or, she believes that I'm too busy watching porn all day instead of loving her. She hasn't said that last one. I guess I'm waiting for her to do so before I confess that I've had PIED for the past four years and have found a cure. Giving up porn. I know who she is and how she'd react to that betrayal. I want to avoid hurting her and would prefer to heal naturally rather than have to confess. Plus, I've shared with her many times my "solutions" to my ED and PE. None of them have been accurate diagnosis so she's stopped believe I know what the hell I'm talking about. To some degree, I have too. This reboot has to work though. Has to! I feel like a unik. I feel like my sins have led me to a place where I'll never be allowed to experience pleasure from sex again. That can't be the case, can it?
All wives will react to a disclosure of porn use. But, the reaction is largely based on the secret keeping. Listen to the podcast at the top of the partner forum. Read the items in. Pink at the top also. Go to markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com. All great resources. Your wife is your partner, your "other half", the problem is much easier to solve with two. Your brain and marriage heal faster with no secrets. Read with your wife. Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight 7 conversations.
Yes thiswill hurt, but it does get better!!!
Yes thiswill hurt, but it does get better!!!
D
Deadcat
Guest
Thank you, Gracie. I tremendously appreciate your help.
I've not necessarily kept my porn use a secret from my wife. I told her once that I used porn to get off while on a business trip. I believe she suspects, and has hinted as much, that I still use porn. What I have kept secret is my discovery of PIED and that this is likely the cause of my problems. As I have stated numerous times in my thread, I've announced to her too many times that I've discovered the cause of my problem and the solution that will fix everything only to lead each time to nothing but disappointed. While I could use a partner in my healing, I don't want to give her false hope again.
It's also worth noting that her first husband was a drug addict. The pain she went through with that was tremendous. To announce to her that she married a second addict (this time porn) I think would be over the top. I'm not sure that she'd remain with me and would cut bait to protect herself from further harm. While I agree that's her choice and she should be free to make it, I'm not about to hurt her any further. I'm a good man, a good husband and a good father. Now that I've recognized the problem, I won't let porn hurt us anymore. I know many addicts have announced that and relapse. I'm barely an addict. I openly used porn but never recognized how it was hurting me. Now that I have discovered the effects, there is NO WAY I am going back to that lifestyle.
While I greatly (and I'm being completely sincere) appreciate the female/wife perspective, you have to trust that I know my wife and am making my decision in our best interest. I will tell her if the proper moment arises. I'm just not rushing to do so.
Again, thank you. Please continue to comment. I will definitely look at the sites you've provided and try to comment appropriately after reading/watching the content.
I've not necessarily kept my porn use a secret from my wife. I told her once that I used porn to get off while on a business trip. I believe she suspects, and has hinted as much, that I still use porn. What I have kept secret is my discovery of PIED and that this is likely the cause of my problems. As I have stated numerous times in my thread, I've announced to her too many times that I've discovered the cause of my problem and the solution that will fix everything only to lead each time to nothing but disappointed. While I could use a partner in my healing, I don't want to give her false hope again.
It's also worth noting that her first husband was a drug addict. The pain she went through with that was tremendous. To announce to her that she married a second addict (this time porn) I think would be over the top. I'm not sure that she'd remain with me and would cut bait to protect herself from further harm. While I agree that's her choice and she should be free to make it, I'm not about to hurt her any further. I'm a good man, a good husband and a good father. Now that I've recognized the problem, I won't let porn hurt us anymore. I know many addicts have announced that and relapse. I'm barely an addict. I openly used porn but never recognized how it was hurting me. Now that I have discovered the effects, there is NO WAY I am going back to that lifestyle.
While I greatly (and I'm being completely sincere) appreciate the female/wife perspective, you have to trust that I know my wife and am making my decision in our best interest. I will tell her if the proper moment arises. I'm just not rushing to do so.
Again, thank you. Please continue to comment. I will definitely look at the sites you've provided and try to comment appropriately after reading/watching the content.
T
Totte
Guest
Thanks for sharing!
You address many of the concerns I have, so thanks for sharing.
And I will look in to the book ?Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight 7 conversations? some one talked about.
T
You address many of the concerns I have, so thanks for sharing.
And I will look in to the book ?Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight 7 conversations? some one talked about.
T
JedClampett
Active Member
Deadcat:
I appreciate your comments and encouragement. Since you have been faithful to your wife I see a bright future for you as well.
We are a product of our upbringing but none of us could be prepared for what IT would bring to us.
It was so hard to MO before IT that it's totally a joke. As a 60 year old virgin I am not going to share all of my experience,
but I will tell you that I did not have my first MO until about age 37. That was a surprise! The tv station accidently leaked
some fuzzy picture porn.
I did M like any young kid. I think my religious training discouraged that kind of thing though.
I was a huddle leader for a church group and everyone in that group said I was perfect. That was not true and it certainly
is not now. I do have some mild disabilities but have always been a good athlete. But the disabilities kept me
from connecting with a woman on a serious basis. That and I have high standards.
I can see why some Priests and ministers have come out and said that pre-marital sex is not wrong and that we should
encourage it. I do think that one should seriously consider having sex with a woman a serious matter because of what
it does to the mind. So does the other stuff.
I am rambling here but you guys have helped me and I feel the need to reciprocate.
I appreciate your comments and encouragement. Since you have been faithful to your wife I see a bright future for you as well.
We are a product of our upbringing but none of us could be prepared for what IT would bring to us.
It was so hard to MO before IT that it's totally a joke. As a 60 year old virgin I am not going to share all of my experience,
but I will tell you that I did not have my first MO until about age 37. That was a surprise! The tv station accidently leaked
some fuzzy picture porn.
I did M like any young kid. I think my religious training discouraged that kind of thing though.
I was a huddle leader for a church group and everyone in that group said I was perfect. That was not true and it certainly
is not now. I do have some mild disabilities but have always been a good athlete. But the disabilities kept me
from connecting with a woman on a serious basis. That and I have high standards.
I can see why some Priests and ministers have come out and said that pre-marital sex is not wrong and that we should
encourage it. I do think that one should seriously consider having sex with a woman a serious matter because of what
it does to the mind. So does the other stuff.
I am rambling here but you guys have helped me and I feel the need to reciprocate.
D
Deadcat
Guest
Past the 90 day mark, today is day 91!!!!
This was a good weekend. There was nothing more than cuddling with my wife so no failures to regret. I feel like my morning wood and other lower regions activity is increasing. I noticed last night that I had a strong erection multiple times. I also had some activity yesterday during the day. Nothing like seeing my wife or a hot girl and getting a boner, but still something other than a dead dick. I pray that this is a sign of future recovery. I still have a long way to go but am thankful for this. My hope is that I can avoid sex with my wife (man, I can't believe I am saying this) until I can recover more. I just don't want any more failures.
With recovery started here, my next goal needs to be avoiding what I often refer to as work avoidance. I've become really good and work really hard at avoiding work. This is dumb because I have a great job that I like a lot. I could help myself and my family a lot by just doing a lot of little things. I believe improving my work habits will go a long way towards improving other areas of my life. This too is part of my healing.
This was a good weekend. There was nothing more than cuddling with my wife so no failures to regret. I feel like my morning wood and other lower regions activity is increasing. I noticed last night that I had a strong erection multiple times. I also had some activity yesterday during the day. Nothing like seeing my wife or a hot girl and getting a boner, but still something other than a dead dick. I pray that this is a sign of future recovery. I still have a long way to go but am thankful for this. My hope is that I can avoid sex with my wife (man, I can't believe I am saying this) until I can recover more. I just don't want any more failures.
With recovery started here, my next goal needs to be avoiding what I often refer to as work avoidance. I've become really good and work really hard at avoiding work. This is dumb because I have a great job that I like a lot. I could help myself and my family a lot by just doing a lot of little things. I believe improving my work habits will go a long way towards improving other areas of my life. This too is part of my healing.
T
Totte
Guest
Deadcat said:
Nice man
My hope is that on vacation in July I want to have sex with my wife and that all is working like should.
You give me hope!
JedClampett
Active Member
Deadcat:
One of my jobs I really do like and yet do not always work that hard at it. I feel good when I do though.
Thank you for sharing what it's like to be married and having trouble having sex. This I feel is probably
more common than anyone could imagine. I mean who is going to admit it...even on a survey.
One of my jobs I really do like and yet do not always work that hard at it. I feel good when I do though.
Thank you for sharing what it's like to be married and having trouble having sex. This I feel is probably
more common than anyone could imagine. I mean who is going to admit it...even on a survey.
D
Deadcat
Guest
JedClampett said:
Agreed. There's a reason for the increase in ED drug advertisements and ED Clinics. This companies are benefiting on man's addiction to porn. They aren't letting us know that all we need to do is give up porn to get healthy. That solution doesn't make them money.
D
Deadcat
Guest
Day 92 w/o Porn
Last night was good. Not as many erections during sleep but I did feel some arousal when my wife touched me. That's new and welcomed. I still recognize it's time that I need. After crossing the 90 day barrier, I'm now looking forward to 180 days. I'm hoping that landmark brings greater healing and a healthier physical relationship with my wife. I'll be so glad to say goodbye to my PE. ED and PE has to be the most humiliating things a man can experience.
I will never succumb to porn's lies again. I am also trying to avoid MOing. I read something yesterday about Ming while limp. That's our addiction telling us to get a fix and not our body telling us we need this. That makes perfect sense and is the exact reason we should avoid giving in. Our brains must learn to go without the fix that we all love so much. I'm also trying to avoid instigating sex with my wife. I love her so much and extremely want make proper love to her. But I first must heal. I'm certainly not going to turn down any offers, but I'm hoping I can heal more before my next attempt so that my performance can be more of what she deserves.
Best of luck gentlemen. Keep up the good fight.
Last night was good. Not as many erections during sleep but I did feel some arousal when my wife touched me. That's new and welcomed. I still recognize it's time that I need. After crossing the 90 day barrier, I'm now looking forward to 180 days. I'm hoping that landmark brings greater healing and a healthier physical relationship with my wife. I'll be so glad to say goodbye to my PE. ED and PE has to be the most humiliating things a man can experience.
I will never succumb to porn's lies again. I am also trying to avoid MOing. I read something yesterday about Ming while limp. That's our addiction telling us to get a fix and not our body telling us we need this. That makes perfect sense and is the exact reason we should avoid giving in. Our brains must learn to go without the fix that we all love so much. I'm also trying to avoid instigating sex with my wife. I love her so much and extremely want make proper love to her. But I first must heal. I'm certainly not going to turn down any offers, but I'm hoping I can heal more before my next attempt so that my performance can be more of what she deserves.
Best of luck gentlemen. Keep up the good fight.