rise and shine
- Thread starter ddmmyyyy
- Start date
ddmmyyyy
Member
DAY 10
Double digits already
Still have some not so funny things going on, but I'm fine and I will deal with it. And my girlfriend is amazing. That helps a lot. Although I didn't tell her about my (hopefully former) PMO habit, because I feel like I have my worst days of addiction already behind me. I'm primarily doing it for me, but not wanting to fuck this relationship up is a huge additional motivation.
Cravings are not strong at the moment, but I will stay vigilant. They'll return for sure!
Double digits already
Still have some not so funny things going on, but I'm fine and I will deal with it. And my girlfriend is amazing. That helps a lot. Although I didn't tell her about my (hopefully former) PMO habit, because I feel like I have my worst days of addiction already behind me. I'm primarily doing it for me, but not wanting to fuck this relationship up is a huge additional motivation.
Cravings are not strong at the moment, but I will stay vigilant. They'll return for sure!
ddmmyyyy
Member
DAY 11
Had dreams about relapsing for the last two nights, like many others report. Already had that kind of dreams on my first committed reboot attempt in spring. I thought I'm past this, but it just shows once again, that my brain just adapted to less porn use during the last months while I'm still addicted. Now that its getting serious again, it fights back...
And some strong cravings emerged today afternoon. The ones that really make you think "fuck all this" and make you loose control for a few seconds. Managed to fight them off though, without peeking or doing anything stupid.
Had dreams about relapsing for the last two nights, like many others report. Already had that kind of dreams on my first committed reboot attempt in spring. I thought I'm past this, but it just shows once again, that my brain just adapted to less porn use during the last months while I'm still addicted. Now that its getting serious again, it fights back...
And some strong cravings emerged today afternoon. The ones that really make you think "fuck all this" and make you loose control for a few seconds. Managed to fight them off though, without peeking or doing anything stupid.
ddmmyyyy
Member
DAY 12 - DAY 13
Didn't get the chance to check in on Saturday and then on Sunday evening I was again loaded with work, also because of procrastination, so I had to stay up almost the whole night to meet a deadline. Super tired today of course.
I need to keep daily updates though. Even if I just drop a single line for check in...
I guess after 10 days the withdrawal symptoms kick in a little more. I notice, that I compensate with compulsively checking my phone, social media, e-mail, sometimes the RN board... Anything that provides a small dopamine fix. It's all way better than porn, but still - time to get back to meditation and focusing on being more offline and putting my phone away at times.
Yesterday I also stumbled across some nude images and soft core gifs. I know I can't avoid that completely. There will always be a pop up or a banner with nudity or even porn. Usually that's no big deal for me. I don't get triggered by these things and I can just close it without craving PMO. Yesterday although, I could have avoided to get to this "dangerous" site (no porn site, but I knew there might be adult content as well) and looked at the pics a few seconds longer than necessary. Without fantasizing, but I had some really strong cravings during the afternoon. This was the first time I really got tempted and felt like I was on the edge of compromising my reboot.
Apart from that, I was super strict and successful in my current reboot. No PMO, no porn peeking, no porn substitutes like browsing dating sites, no MO (only O to real sex) and no indulging in fantasy.
Didn't get the chance to check in on Saturday and then on Sunday evening I was again loaded with work, also because of procrastination, so I had to stay up almost the whole night to meet a deadline. Super tired today of course.
I need to keep daily updates though. Even if I just drop a single line for check in...
I guess after 10 days the withdrawal symptoms kick in a little more. I notice, that I compensate with compulsively checking my phone, social media, e-mail, sometimes the RN board... Anything that provides a small dopamine fix. It's all way better than porn, but still - time to get back to meditation and focusing on being more offline and putting my phone away at times.
Yesterday I also stumbled across some nude images and soft core gifs. I know I can't avoid that completely. There will always be a pop up or a banner with nudity or even porn. Usually that's no big deal for me. I don't get triggered by these things and I can just close it without craving PMO. Yesterday although, I could have avoided to get to this "dangerous" site (no porn site, but I knew there might be adult content as well) and looked at the pics a few seconds longer than necessary. Without fantasizing, but I had some really strong cravings during the afternoon. This was the first time I really got tempted and felt like I was on the edge of compromising my reboot.
Apart from that, I was super strict and successful in my current reboot. No PMO, no porn peeking, no porn substitutes like browsing dating sites, no MO (only O to real sex) and no indulging in fantasy.
ddmmyyyy
Member
DAY 14
Tired from the work-night after day 13 as I wrote previously. But I'm fine and more positive again. Feeling a more motivation to do things, solve problems and so on.Two weeks is good. Looking forward to get to the one month mark. In the end, days don't matter cause I want to stay away from porn forever. But right now the day-counter helps to get somewhere. Planning to meditate tomorrow morning and hopefully it will be a day with high productivity and little procrastination.
Tired from the work-night after day 13 as I wrote previously. But I'm fine and more positive again. Feeling a more motivation to do things, solve problems and so on.Two weeks is good. Looking forward to get to the one month mark. In the end, days don't matter cause I want to stay away from porn forever. But right now the day-counter helps to get somewhere. Planning to meditate tomorrow morning and hopefully it will be a day with high productivity and little procrastination.
Andyshealthyself
Member
Hey man,
Thanks for sharing and posting. I fell off this board a month ago and now i'm back and ready to to do this. You are an inspiration and I wish you the best of luck. Cheers!
Thanks for sharing and posting. I fell off this board a month ago and now i'm back and ready to to do this. You are an inspiration and I wish you the best of luck. Cheers!
ddmmyyyy
Member
Thanks Andy, I followed your first journal - good to see you back! Dropping out and coming back is just part of the process
It's great you are back already. Took me a lot longer after my 55 days of sobriety half a year ago... Let's go all the way this time, to 90 days and beyond! Looking forward to follow your journal again.
It's great you are back already. Took me a lot longer after my 55 days of sobriety half a year ago... Let's go all the way this time, to 90 days and beyond! Looking forward to follow your journal again.
ddmmyyyy
Member
DAY 16
Another late night filled with work. Not happy about getting no sleep until 3am. Enough sleep and getting up early makes the reboot way easier. I'm really glad when I finished this project. Hopefully soon...
Apart from that, all good. Looking forward to see my gf again on Friday.
16 days into the reboot and still going strong. No doubts about it. Progressing, one day at a time...
Another late night filled with work. Not happy about getting no sleep until 3am. Enough sleep and getting up early makes the reboot way easier. I'm really glad when I finished this project. Hopefully soon...
Apart from that, all good. Looking forward to see my gf again on Friday.
16 days into the reboot and still going strong. No doubts about it. Progressing, one day at a time...
Hopin4Better
Member
Great Job buddy. Keep it going almost to 3 weeks.
ddmmyyyy
Member
Thanks man! It's actually a bit tougher right now, than I would have hoped. But no way I'm giving in to PMO / Porn / binging.
DAY 20 - DAY 21
Somehow I lost my positive outlook over the past week. Not really sure why. Maybe it's just the stage of my reboot (over two weeks), because I am used to go at least 10 days without any problems. Now that my primitive brain realized I am serious this time, it makes me feel bad...
Maybe it's just a bit of an autumn down and the lack of sun. Or the lack of physical activity. Didn't do any sports for the past two weeks. But that will change this evening. And I'll get back to meditation right after I finished this post. I am disappointed with myself, that I seem to be unable to make meditation a daily habit.
I also have to acknowledge that I MOed yesterday, which is completely against my plan. I'm not in hardmode anyway, since I have more or less regular sex with my gf. But I stayed away form MOing for the first 20 days and it's the only way for me. Even though, it was a quick thing, without fantasizing about porn or anything but my gf and without edging and prolonging the act, I felt rally bad and depressed afterwards. I won't reset my counter for MOing once, but I need to make sure it was a one time slip to keep my positive feeling about this streak.
DAY 20 - DAY 21
Somehow I lost my positive outlook over the past week. Not really sure why. Maybe it's just the stage of my reboot (over two weeks), because I am used to go at least 10 days without any problems. Now that my primitive brain realized I am serious this time, it makes me feel bad...
Maybe it's just a bit of an autumn down and the lack of sun. Or the lack of physical activity. Didn't do any sports for the past two weeks. But that will change this evening. And I'll get back to meditation right after I finished this post. I am disappointed with myself, that I seem to be unable to make meditation a daily habit.
I also have to acknowledge that I MOed yesterday, which is completely against my plan. I'm not in hardmode anyway, since I have more or less regular sex with my gf. But I stayed away form MOing for the first 20 days and it's the only way for me. Even though, it was a quick thing, without fantasizing about porn or anything but my gf and without edging and prolonging the act, I felt rally bad and depressed afterwards. I won't reset my counter for MOing once, but I need to make sure it was a one time slip to keep my positive feeling about this streak.
ddmmyyyy
Member
DAY 23
I was in a REALLY bad mood all day. Struggled to get my work done and luckily I did not have to communicate with a lot of people during the day. Would have had a hard time to hide my anger. Doesn't happen often that I am so grumpy and negative about anything and everything. Went out for a drink with a friend in the evening as I had it already scheduled. Surprisingly my mood improved and I feel ok now.
I hope this was just a single bad day or - even better - it's temporary side effects of the reboot. As this would mean, things are about to change and should improve in the long run. Anyway, no real urges today, but it's still a struggle!
I was in a REALLY bad mood all day. Struggled to get my work done and luckily I did not have to communicate with a lot of people during the day. Would have had a hard time to hide my anger. Doesn't happen often that I am so grumpy and negative about anything and everything. Went out for a drink with a friend in the evening as I had it already scheduled. Surprisingly my mood improved and I feel ok now.
I hope this was just a single bad day or - even better - it's temporary side effects of the reboot. As this would mean, things are about to change and should improve in the long run. Anyway, no real urges today, but it's still a struggle!
ddmmyyyy
Member
DAY 24
Felt better again today. Not great, but ok. Was away working pretty much the whole day. It's way better than home office. I need to keep this a priority - making enough money, so I can rent a co-working space permanently. Working part time from home not only makes staying away form porn harder, it also makes being happy harder... when you don't get out enough. And being unhappy makes not PMOing even more difficult. And there you are, right in the downward spiral...
But I'm going strong and looking forward to getting closer to the 4 week mark!
Good night and stay focused!
Felt better again today. Not great, but ok. Was away working pretty much the whole day. It's way better than home office. I need to keep this a priority - making enough money, so I can rent a co-working space permanently. Working part time from home not only makes staying away form porn harder, it also makes being happy harder... when you don't get out enough. And being unhappy makes not PMOing even more difficult. And there you are, right in the downward spiral...
But I'm going strong and looking forward to getting closer to the 4 week mark!
Good night and stay focused!
Andyshealthyself
Member
I know the feeling of working from home. I worked from home a few days ago because of a snowstorm and that?s when I relapsed... I struggled real hard after that and it spiraled. I?m back on track now but it?s so hard to avoid it when you are home alone. Just gotta focus on what projects you can take on. A lot of times I?ll pick up my guitar or play some games of chess to avoid PMO. Keep at it man, doing great!
ddmmyyyy
Member
Thanks for your support Andy! And good to know you are back on track as well!Home office is always dangerous. I usually have different projects I can focus on. But sometimes you are just to lazy and/or need some rest.
DAY 25
Worked at home again today. Got some strong urges and tempting thoughts. They didn't last too long, but came back regularly. If I wouldn't be at 25 days already I would have given in for sure. I am in the phase now, where I tend to forget that I can't control porn and I feel like I deserve a little treat from time to time. Everybody does it and it won't be so bad... But, well... luckily I know that feeling already.
Staying strong and fighting it day by day.
DAY 25
Worked at home again today. Got some strong urges and tempting thoughts. They didn't last too long, but came back regularly. If I wouldn't be at 25 days already I would have given in for sure. I am in the phase now, where I tend to forget that I can't control porn and I feel like I deserve a little treat from time to time. Everybody does it and it won't be so bad... But, well... luckily I know that feeling already.
Staying strong and fighting it day by day.
ddmmyyyy
Member
DAY 26 - DAY 29
Mood and motivation have been mediocre the last days. Still struggling. Today I got really close to relapsing, as my mind was trying to convince me to go back to porn again and again throughout the day. Usually, when I thought about porn - in a non explicit manner - during the last months I concluded, that I don't need it, don't like it and don't want it. That I gain nothing from it. (Didn't stop me from PMOing once in a while anyways, when I just gave in without thinking about it.) But now it's getting tougher and my brain starts telling me again, that I want it, that I would like it and that I deserve it.
Still, I am porn free for 4 weeks now and I will fight to extend that streak. I was lazy during the last week with my plan, to go to bed early and meditate in the morning. I know I need to change that and stick to it or I will fail sooner or later.
Mood and motivation have been mediocre the last days. Still struggling. Today I got really close to relapsing, as my mind was trying to convince me to go back to porn again and again throughout the day. Usually, when I thought about porn - in a non explicit manner - during the last months I concluded, that I don't need it, don't like it and don't want it. That I gain nothing from it. (Didn't stop me from PMOing once in a while anyways, when I just gave in without thinking about it.) But now it's getting tougher and my brain starts telling me again, that I want it, that I would like it and that I deserve it.
Still, I am porn free for 4 weeks now and I will fight to extend that streak. I was lazy during the last week with my plan, to go to bed early and meditate in the morning. I know I need to change that and stick to it or I will fail sooner or later.
ddmmyyyy
Member
DAY 00
Time to get back to posting. Made it to day 47 on my last documented attempt. For the past 4 months I continued to have casual relapses after 5-14 days average. Things went well mostly and I guess I could go on like that living an average life without feeling like a porn-addict. But I always knew that I am still far from using my full potential - in life, work and my relationship - this way. I was still using porn to calm myself down and tranquilise my mind when I was stressed, depressed or anxious. Even though it was never out of control. I always postponed getting back to journaling... don't really know why. I just kept reading on here.
Lately things have gone a bit downhill. I have a serious (not life threatening and hopefully fully or at least mostly reversible) physical problem for almost 2 months now. Trying everything I can to improve the situation. But right now I am very limited in my social activities and I can only work part time. This means financial and emotional pressure. My relationship is still going well, but I am having issues with jealousy at the moment - which I am not used to. My self-esteem is suffering big time from not being able to work and having minimal social activities at the moment. This feeds into jealousy and makes me want to check my gf phone for anything suspicious. (I know she is going out with work associates regularly. She is very open about it and doesn't hide anything.) I have not acted on this impulse and I hope I never will, because I do trust her and I would feel like shit afterwards. All this made me relapse more often during the last week and sent me further down the rabbit hole
I am feeling quite depressed right now and I am a bit scared to fuck everything up. So it's really time to turn the wheel around. I will try to reintroduce meditation into my life from tomorrow on, hoping that it will also help with my jealousy issues.
Time to get back to posting. Made it to day 47 on my last documented attempt. For the past 4 months I continued to have casual relapses after 5-14 days average. Things went well mostly and I guess I could go on like that living an average life without feeling like a porn-addict. But I always knew that I am still far from using my full potential - in life, work and my relationship - this way. I was still using porn to calm myself down and tranquilise my mind when I was stressed, depressed or anxious. Even though it was never out of control. I always postponed getting back to journaling... don't really know why. I just kept reading on here.
Lately things have gone a bit downhill. I have a serious (not life threatening and hopefully fully or at least mostly reversible) physical problem for almost 2 months now. Trying everything I can to improve the situation. But right now I am very limited in my social activities and I can only work part time. This means financial and emotional pressure. My relationship is still going well, but I am having issues with jealousy at the moment - which I am not used to. My self-esteem is suffering big time from not being able to work and having minimal social activities at the moment. This feeds into jealousy and makes me want to check my gf phone for anything suspicious. (I know she is going out with work associates regularly. She is very open about it and doesn't hide anything.) I have not acted on this impulse and I hope I never will, because I do trust her and I would feel like shit afterwards. All this made me relapse more often during the last week and sent me further down the rabbit hole
I am feeling quite depressed right now and I am a bit scared to fuck everything up. So it's really time to turn the wheel around. I will try to reintroduce meditation into my life from tomorrow on, hoping that it will also help with my jealousy issues.