rise and shine
- Thread starter ddmmyyyy
- Start date
ddmmyyyy
Member
DAY 01
Thanks for your message EmB. It's definately a step in the right direction! Today was a better day. I started my meditation and was more active in general. Had another moment of jealousy in the afternoon, when my gf didn't reply for a while and I started to imagine stupid things again. But I accepted it and it passed. And I realized how stupid and unnecessary it is afterwords. There is absolutely no reason for it. It's just my momentary lack of self esteem and selfworth thats worrying me that she finds other men more attractive then myself...
Went out to have a few drinks with friends in the evening and it felt really good to socialize again. I really think I just need to get my life back - socializing with friends and finding purpose in work again and this problem will fade away again.
And of course no PMO today.
Thanks for your message EmB. It's definately a step in the right direction! Today was a better day. I started my meditation and was more active in general. Had another moment of jealousy in the afternoon, when my gf didn't reply for a while and I started to imagine stupid things again. But I accepted it and it passed. And I realized how stupid and unnecessary it is afterwords. There is absolutely no reason for it. It's just my momentary lack of self esteem and selfworth thats worrying me that she finds other men more attractive then myself...
Went out to have a few drinks with friends in the evening and it felt really good to socialize again. I really think I just need to get my life back - socializing with friends and finding purpose in work again and this problem will fade away again.
And of course no PMO today.
ddmmyyyy
Member
DAY 02
Another step in the right direction. Some mild cravings in the afternoon, but nothing I couldn't handle. (Considering how easily I relapsed multiple times without a second thought for the past two weeks, I might have relapsed again, but restarting journaling and meditation got me back an track.)
Meditation - check
No PMO - check
Another step in the right direction. Some mild cravings in the afternoon, but nothing I couldn't handle. (Considering how easily I relapsed multiple times without a second thought for the past two weeks, I might have relapsed again, but restarting journaling and meditation got me back an track.)
Meditation - check
No PMO - check
ddmmyyyy
Member
DAY 03
Not too much to report. Mood was not as good during the day as the 2 days before, but all ok. Had a nice evening with my gf. We had some intense sex later in the evening, so today I need to be super alert because of my chaser-effect sensibility. Did my meditation. Gonna try to make day four a productive one. (I usually struggle a bit on mondays.)
Not too much to report. Mood was not as good during the day as the 2 days before, but all ok. Had a nice evening with my gf. We had some intense sex later in the evening, so today I need to be super alert because of my chaser-effect sensibility. Did my meditation. Gonna try to make day four a productive one. (I usually struggle a bit on mondays.)
Pete McVries
Active Member
Hey ddmmyyyy,
I read your first few entries and then skimmed through your journal! Good on you for coming back and posting again.
I just have a few quick tips from my own personal experience, if I may:
1. Don't vanish after a relapse. Relapsing sucks and reporting a relapse is a pain in the ass as well. But no one of us is perfect and if you don't hold yourself accountable to yourself and others, you give your addiction way too much power. Also, no one will ostracize you for it (at least no one in the right mind...)
2. From my own personal experience, I would recommond hard mode to you (no PMO, no MO). I found that when I MO, I always crave for more. I masturbated enough times in my life and also I don't see the point in MOing anymore. At least not on a (semi-)regular basis.
3. Making it through the first 40-60 days is key. It will get easier after that. Abstaining from PMO will become the new norm, like a habit, and the DeltaFosB will have vanished which will reduce the cravings by a huge margin. Embrace the grind in the beginning!
4. Relapsing every other week might even make your addiction stronger. I can't find the article right now (but it is somewhere on YBOP) but if you relapse every weekend (for example), the pathways of your addiction might become stronger than if you were to relapse every two days or so. I know, it sounds paradoxical but apparently, there is some truth to it.
5. No negative self talk. Relapses may happen and if you keep relapsing, you might not have found the right formula for you yet. If you start bashing yourself, you will put more and more pressure on your shoulders and every eventual relapse will become more dramatic until you throw in the sponge or so... Keep trying until you succeed!
6. Take yourself up on your promise. No negative self talk but also no slacking. You are here for a reason. PMO has affected you negatively in one way or the other and it will continue to hurt you, if you keep it in your life. Be aware of the fact that it has the power to destroy relationships, mess up your sexuality, negativel affect your career or do other harm.
7. Be kind to yourself and take care of your basic human needs. Relapses are more likely to happen when you are hungry, thirsty, cold, lonely, ill, hungover and so on and so forth. Therefore, I also recommend you to stop drinking alcohol if you drink. Personally, I'm always super horny when I'm hungover. Therefore, I stopped drinking for now.
8. Analyze your triggers or your relapse patterns. The better you know your enemy, the better you can fight. Relapses don't usually happen in a heartbeat. There are preceding sexual fantasies or certain activities that lead the way of a relapse. The sooner you say 'no' and manage to snap out of the relapse the easier it will be. Once you got the clips loaded and your pants at your ankles, it's already too late.
That's all I can think of for now! I hope, I could be of some help...
Take care and I'm curious to follow your journey!
I read your first few entries and then skimmed through your journal! Good on you for coming back and posting again.
I just have a few quick tips from my own personal experience, if I may:
1. Don't vanish after a relapse. Relapsing sucks and reporting a relapse is a pain in the ass as well. But no one of us is perfect and if you don't hold yourself accountable to yourself and others, you give your addiction way too much power. Also, no one will ostracize you for it (at least no one in the right mind...)
2. From my own personal experience, I would recommond hard mode to you (no PMO, no MO). I found that when I MO, I always crave for more. I masturbated enough times in my life and also I don't see the point in MOing anymore. At least not on a (semi-)regular basis.
3. Making it through the first 40-60 days is key. It will get easier after that. Abstaining from PMO will become the new norm, like a habit, and the DeltaFosB will have vanished which will reduce the cravings by a huge margin. Embrace the grind in the beginning!
4. Relapsing every other week might even make your addiction stronger. I can't find the article right now (but it is somewhere on YBOP) but if you relapse every weekend (for example), the pathways of your addiction might become stronger than if you were to relapse every two days or so. I know, it sounds paradoxical but apparently, there is some truth to it.
5. No negative self talk. Relapses may happen and if you keep relapsing, you might not have found the right formula for you yet. If you start bashing yourself, you will put more and more pressure on your shoulders and every eventual relapse will become more dramatic until you throw in the sponge or so... Keep trying until you succeed!
6. Take yourself up on your promise. No negative self talk but also no slacking. You are here for a reason. PMO has affected you negatively in one way or the other and it will continue to hurt you, if you keep it in your life. Be aware of the fact that it has the power to destroy relationships, mess up your sexuality, negativel affect your career or do other harm.
7. Be kind to yourself and take care of your basic human needs. Relapses are more likely to happen when you are hungry, thirsty, cold, lonely, ill, hungover and so on and so forth. Therefore, I also recommend you to stop drinking alcohol if you drink. Personally, I'm always super horny when I'm hungover. Therefore, I stopped drinking for now.
8. Analyze your triggers or your relapse patterns. The better you know your enemy, the better you can fight. Relapses don't usually happen in a heartbeat. There are preceding sexual fantasies or certain activities that lead the way of a relapse. The sooner you say 'no' and manage to snap out of the relapse the easier it will be. Once you got the clips loaded and your pants at your ankles, it's already too late.
That's all I can think of for now! I hope, I could be of some help...
Take care and I'm curious to follow your journey!
ddmmyyyy
Member
Thank you Pete for all the valuable input! I'll get through it point by point.
1. Actually I never really vanished because of a relapse I think. Usually I started to give less updates after some time, lost focus, felt not addicted anymore and so on. By the time I relapsed I had already stopped being active. So for me, it's more like staying active in my journal after the first month and maybe posting more personal stuff. Otherwise posting gets very repetitive after a while. I felt like I didn't want to expose myself by giving away too much information, so that I will stay anonymous in case someone who knows me reads this. Maybe that's bullshit after all.
2. Absolutely. I guess it's not "real" hardmode as I will not abstain from sex with my gf. But PMO, MO and fantasizing are definately off the table. Not masturbating from time to time seemed crazy and unnatural for me about a year ago. But like you, I discovered that there is no point in it really.
3. Hopefully I'll get to 60+ days this time. Made it above the 40 day mark twice and still relapsed...
4. That's an intersting point. If anyone knows where to find this article, let me know! And I guess you are right. On the one hand it makes me feel less addicted than before and my life improved a lot since I made it from PMOing about 6 out of 7 days to 1 out of 7 days in average. But even more than before I am now using it as medication when I feel down or depressed. I never really have the feeling anymore that I want to watch porn because I like. I only crave the dopamine and the (short time) emotional relieve I get from it.
5. & 6. True. I think I managed not being too negative after a relapse already some time ago. But even though I am not bashing myself I usually have a hard time to get back on the rebooting track seriously. (I don't binge also. I just keep relapsing weekly for months...)
7. Good point as well. I still drink alcohol, but in a moderate way. If I am not getting wasted with a hangover I am fine. Drinking all night and being miserable with a hangover was a sure recipe for a relapse though. Compared to my previous two serious streaks it's harder this time because of my medical condition right now. (A lower back injury that prevents me from being active and working and basically almost everything I enjoy in life. I am as active as I can, which includes walking and physio-therapy. But I miss working out and doing real sports activities.)
8. Done that already months ago, but it's definately time to contemplate about my triggers again. And write it down, to make sure I will stay ahead of them...
So, thanks again! A lot of things I already thought about past. But it's important to re-internalize those things.
1. Actually I never really vanished because of a relapse I think. Usually I started to give less updates after some time, lost focus, felt not addicted anymore and so on. By the time I relapsed I had already stopped being active. So for me, it's more like staying active in my journal after the first month and maybe posting more personal stuff. Otherwise posting gets very repetitive after a while. I felt like I didn't want to expose myself by giving away too much information, so that I will stay anonymous in case someone who knows me reads this. Maybe that's bullshit after all.
2. Absolutely. I guess it's not "real" hardmode as I will not abstain from sex with my gf. But PMO, MO and fantasizing are definately off the table. Not masturbating from time to time seemed crazy and unnatural for me about a year ago. But like you, I discovered that there is no point in it really.
3. Hopefully I'll get to 60+ days this time. Made it above the 40 day mark twice and still relapsed...
4. That's an intersting point. If anyone knows where to find this article, let me know! And I guess you are right. On the one hand it makes me feel less addicted than before and my life improved a lot since I made it from PMOing about 6 out of 7 days to 1 out of 7 days in average. But even more than before I am now using it as medication when I feel down or depressed. I never really have the feeling anymore that I want to watch porn because I like. I only crave the dopamine and the (short time) emotional relieve I get from it.
5. & 6. True. I think I managed not being too negative after a relapse already some time ago. But even though I am not bashing myself I usually have a hard time to get back on the rebooting track seriously. (I don't binge also. I just keep relapsing weekly for months...)
7. Good point as well. I still drink alcohol, but in a moderate way. If I am not getting wasted with a hangover I am fine. Drinking all night and being miserable with a hangover was a sure recipe for a relapse though. Compared to my previous two serious streaks it's harder this time because of my medical condition right now. (A lower back injury that prevents me from being active and working and basically almost everything I enjoy in life. I am as active as I can, which includes walking and physio-therapy. But I miss working out and doing real sports activities.)
8. Done that already months ago, but it's definately time to contemplate about my triggers again. And write it down, to make sure I will stay ahead of them...
So, thanks again! A lot of things I already thought about past. But it's important to re-internalize those things.
ddmmyyyy
Member
DAY 04 - DAY 07
It's ups and downs. Mostly downs right now unfortunately. Usually I always started with a lot of positivity and energy into a new streak when I was journaling here. Thats different this time. With my lower back injury I can't really stay active. And the financial pressure is getting more intense by the day the more work I have to cancel. A lot of worries with not much positivity at the moment. Haven't felt this depressed and hopeless in a long time. But all I can do for now is hang in there, trying not to relapse and continue to work on my physical recovery. Did my meditation and increased the time from 10 to 20 min per day.
I hate to be so negative and usually try to see the positive things and the potential to grow in every crisis. Right now I don't have the energy. But I think it's important to stay active here. Maybe the better days are just around the corner.
It's ups and downs. Mostly downs right now unfortunately. Usually I always started with a lot of positivity and energy into a new streak when I was journaling here. Thats different this time. With my lower back injury I can't really stay active. And the financial pressure is getting more intense by the day the more work I have to cancel. A lot of worries with not much positivity at the moment. Haven't felt this depressed and hopeless in a long time. But all I can do for now is hang in there, trying not to relapse and continue to work on my physical recovery. Did my meditation and increased the time from 10 to 20 min per day.
I hate to be so negative and usually try to see the positive things and the potential to grow in every crisis. Right now I don't have the energy. But I think it's important to stay active here. Maybe the better days are just around the corner.
ddmmyyyy
Member
DAY 08 - DAY 11
I am still hanging in there and I am definately feeling better than the last time I posted. Still struggling with motivation and with my lower back issues of course - still will not change any time soon - but at least I got my hope for better days back
I failed to do my meditaion now for two days. Once I simply forgot, and today I ran out of time. Well, I would have plenty of time during the day, as I was mainly procrastinating. Also, today was not perfect in terms of the reboot, as my mind wandered to fantasy again and again. But it was at least only about my gf and I always stopped myself before it went too far. So no touching myself or MOing.
For tomorrow my top priority is getting back to meditation (no excuses), followed by being more productive again and avoiding any kind of fantasy. Overall I feel like I am on the right way.
I am still hanging in there and I am definately feeling better than the last time I posted. Still struggling with motivation and with my lower back issues of course - still will not change any time soon - but at least I got my hope for better days back
I failed to do my meditaion now for two days. Once I simply forgot, and today I ran out of time. Well, I would have plenty of time during the day, as I was mainly procrastinating. Also, today was not perfect in terms of the reboot, as my mind wandered to fantasy again and again. But it was at least only about my gf and I always stopped myself before it went too far. So no touching myself or MOing.For tomorrow my top priority is getting back to meditation (no excuses), followed by being more productive again and avoiding any kind of fantasy. Overall I feel like I am on the right way.
Pete McVries
Active Member
Regarding the fantasies, I think they are perfectly fine and normal. But the key is not to indulge in them and daydream about sex and related stuff for a long period of time. You are not your thoughts, they come and go like clouds in the sky. And once in a while a cloud looks like a penis or like a pair of boobs
Take care!
Take care!
ddmmyyyy
Member
Haha, you are right, some boob clouds from time to time are fine and only normal. I just have a bad history of fantasizing as a starting point for relapsing. And when I think back, it is crazy how much I used to fantasize about sex in addition to wasting countless hours on watching porn in the past. I know I can't control my thoughts completely, but for the first few months I guess it's wise stop as soon as possible and not indulge in anything, even if it's just about my gf.
DAY 12 - DAY 13
Did my meditation and today I was more productive than the days before. Not too many urges. My back is still troubling me, but I try to make the best of it doing what I can do not worrying too much about the future.
DAY 12 - DAY 13
Did my meditation and today I was more productive than the days before. Not too many urges. My back is still troubling me, but I try to make the best of it doing what I can do not worrying too much about the future.
OrangeSpider
Active Member
I also struggle with fantasizing and going down afterwards, so I hope I can keep my eyes away from those kinda clouds.
Good job on day 13. Happy to hear you are being more productive and how meditation helps you out. I should try that; any suggestions?
Good job on day 13. Happy to hear you are being more productive and how meditation helps you out. I should try that; any suggestions?
ddmmyyyy
Member
DAY 14 - DAY 18
Most of the time was easy going, considering cravings. My focus is on my back recovery and the noPMO days seem to stack up rather effortlessly for now. Except for yesterday. Monday was another troublesome test with way too much fantasizing and procrastination again. So, there seems to be a pattern with two hard mondays in a row...
But I stayed away from PMO, M and O. The fantsizing gave me a little dopamine rush as well. That's not good, but I am happy I made it through the day. I will be super alert on the upcoming mondays. My action plan will be to be sure to meditate first thing in the morning and to go for a walk as soon as cravings hit. And to come here and post about it to stay accountable.
I am optimistic to be more productive today again. Generally things are improving. Slowly but steadily.
Most of the time was easy going, considering cravings. My focus is on my back recovery and the noPMO days seem to stack up rather effortlessly for now. Except for yesterday. Monday was another troublesome test with way too much fantasizing and procrastination again. So, there seems to be a pattern with two hard mondays in a row...
But I stayed away from PMO, M and O. The fantsizing gave me a little dopamine rush as well. That's not good, but I am happy I made it through the day. I will be super alert on the upcoming mondays. My action plan will be to be sure to meditate first thing in the morning and to go for a walk as soon as cravings hit. And to come here and post about it to stay accountable.
I am optimistic to be more productive today again. Generally things are improving. Slowly but steadily.
Pete McVries
Active Member
You are doing great!
Making it out the hell hole of cravings/urges can be really tough in the beginning. I guess this is the main reason why the success ratio of rebooters is so low. Of course I don't have any numbers but just look at the success story section, you can hear the crickets chirp over there. Good thing though is that it will get so much easier at a certain point. Abstaining in the beginning can be a grind, so better embrace it
Making it out the hell hole of cravings/urges can be really tough in the beginning. I guess this is the main reason why the success ratio of rebooters is so low. Of course I don't have any numbers but just look at the success story section, you can hear the crickets chirp over there
. Good thing though is that it will get so much easier at a certain point. Abstaining in the beginning can be a grind, so better embrace it
OrangeSpider
Active Member
Good job on having a action plan, and for identifying that need on Mondays. I definitely need to improve in that area.
ddmmyyyy
Member
Thanks OS and Pete. Really looking forward to get to the point when the brain rewires and the "chemicals change" - way beyond the 40 or 60 day mark! But I am getting there. Day by day.
DAY 19 - 26
Sorry for the lack of updates. Have been away for 5 days and I don't like to type too much on my phone. Went to a music festival over the extended weekend with some friends and had (mostly) a great time. Would not have gone there with my lower back issue and my current financial situation, but everything was pre-booked months ago without the possibility of a cancellation/refund. Towards the end I had some issues with my back, but otherwise everything was great and real fun. There were a lot of beautiful girls around with not much clothes on. So there was some ogling involved, but nothing that went beyond a natural and normal level. No real sexual or porn-fantasies. Just once there was this girl that that looked exactly like one (very cute) pornstar and I got a bit obsessed to find out if its really her or not. Reminded me, that my addiction is still lingering below the surface. But again - no fantasizing about her later on. And the good thing is, it reeally took a long time until I remembered the name of that pornstar.
Right before I went to the festival I had a very strange evening. Met with my girlfriend and got angry with her about something. I still think it was reasonable to be upset and she also understood. But at the time, there was also a bit of a misunderstanding about something and I think I overreacted a bit in being pissed and unkind. I am usually a very calm person and it was the first time ever we had any kind of disagreement since we got together. Anyway, it was resolved rather quickly the same evening and afterwords I really got emotional and started crying in her arms. (Not just because of that issue, but my whole situation right now. Maybe also because of my reboot and the involved higher emotionality?) I had not cried in a very long time before. Also crying and being comforted by a girlfriend is something completely new to me. At first I felt a bit ashamed about it. Deep down I think I have this conception of always pretending to be strong and not too emotional, being able to deal with everything by myself. I know it's stupid. So in a way, this felt very liberating. Letting my "guard" down and giving up control, being comforted by her and not judged in any way.
Today morning I feared I have to reset my counter. I thought I accidentaly stumbled upon a very explicit nude image on my phone right after waking up and kept looking at it and orgasmed pretty fast because I didn't have sex in over a week (and no O) and am easily aroused at the moment. Later I realized I just dreamed to wake up but it was really still a dream So no counter reset fortunately. But another reminder, that my lizzard brain is not giving up jet and that I need to stay alert
DAY 19 - 26
Sorry for the lack of updates. Have been away for 5 days and I don't like to type too much on my phone. Went to a music festival over the extended weekend with some friends and had (mostly) a great time. Would not have gone there with my lower back issue and my current financial situation, but everything was pre-booked months ago without the possibility of a cancellation/refund. Towards the end I had some issues with my back, but otherwise everything was great and real fun. There were a lot of beautiful girls around with not much clothes on. So there was some ogling involved, but nothing that went beyond a natural and normal level. No real sexual or porn-fantasies. Just once there was this girl that that looked exactly like one (very cute) pornstar and I got a bit obsessed to find out if its really her or not. Reminded me, that my addiction is still lingering below the surface. But again - no fantasizing about her later on. And the good thing is, it reeally took a long time until I remembered the name of that pornstar.
Right before I went to the festival I had a very strange evening. Met with my girlfriend and got angry with her about something. I still think it was reasonable to be upset and she also understood. But at the time, there was also a bit of a misunderstanding about something and I think I overreacted a bit in being pissed and unkind. I am usually a very calm person and it was the first time ever we had any kind of disagreement since we got together. Anyway, it was resolved rather quickly the same evening and afterwords I really got emotional and started crying in her arms. (Not just because of that issue, but my whole situation right now. Maybe also because of my reboot and the involved higher emotionality?) I had not cried in a very long time before. Also crying and being comforted by a girlfriend is something completely new to me. At first I felt a bit ashamed about it. Deep down I think I have this conception of always pretending to be strong and not too emotional, being able to deal with everything by myself. I know it's stupid. So in a way, this felt very liberating. Letting my "guard" down and giving up control, being comforted by her and not judged in any way.
Today morning I feared I have to reset my counter. I thought I accidentaly stumbled upon a very explicit nude image on my phone right after waking up and kept looking at it and orgasmed pretty fast because I didn't have sex in over a week (and no O) and am easily aroused at the moment. Later I realized I just dreamed to wake up but it was really still a dream
So no counter reset fortunately. But another reminder, that my lizzard brain is not giving up jet and that I need to stay alert