Ready to fight with no surrender

[RebooterOne]

Welcome in 2019!
I want to share one important thing with you. Yesterday I relapsed but for the first time in almost a year I PMOed because I was horny, not because I was craving porn. Few weeks ago I felt like I was flatlining. Then since the beginning of 2019 I had a 10 day streak and few 2 days long ones. Since last week I feel like my body is waking up somehow even though I kept on relapsing. It gives me motivation to keep going. I know that flatlines often come and go but now I trust the process even more since I saw that they can lift even after lasting a very long time.

I wish you all best in new year and I'll try to post here soon.

 

[RebooterOne]

Hi everyone, I'm back.
For past few months I've been trying to fight this drug but to no success. I ran out of ideas of how to approach this problem. I think I need to talk to someone in real life about it but I am afraid to tell anyone. Only one of my friends knows and he agrees that PMO is a problem but it seems he doesn't understand how serious problem it is for me. So I need to talk to somebody else. I want to tell my parents but I don't know how to do it. I'm 27 and it seems awkward to talk with parents about such things. Moreover, I know that my dad watches P too. On the other hand I know that I can't fight it all alone. I feel isolated. I literally see what aspects of my life are affected by my addiction and I have to do something about it.

Recently I failed a job interview. Somehow I managed to get to the final phase of recruitment process but I failed. I got a feedback form a woman that was interviewing me and she said: "you are a very good candidate but the things you say about youself don't match the way you say them and the way you behave". Well, that was spot on. This is exactly how I feel everyday. I cannot express myself. I cannot be me. I feel uncomfortable and out of control. I want to be more real but I'm fake. And it is only getting worse.

I am going to work a way to tell my parents about my problem and how it affects me. How it hinders my entire life.

I am not going to PMO today.

 

[Redfire03]

The best thing I did was log off all social media and hit the gym everyday man. Make the gym your motivation better yourself and see how much more confident you will be.. I am telling you 90 days in the gym your body will change so much and your confidence. 

 

[RebooterOne]

Thanks for advice. I have no problem with social media. I barely use it.

As for gym, I cannot lift due to back problems. But I do calisthenic exercises regularly. It is not enough to stay away form PMO.

 

[Lero]

Recently I failed a job interview. Somehow I managed to get to the final phase of recruitment process but I failed. I got a feedback form a woman that was interviewing me and she said: "you are a very good candidate but the things you say about youself don't match the way you say them and the way you behave". Well, that was spot on. This is exactly how I feel everyday. I cannot express myself. I cannot be me. I feel uncomfortable and out of control. I want to be more real but I'm fake. And it is only getting worse.

I know how that feels, man. It something I've been through. Porn made me like that. I didn't have confidence and I had a tone of social anxiety. When I went to job interviews I was weak and submissive. They can feel that. They see it in your eyes, in your body language. I only did better when I had streaks away from porn. It used to take about 2 weeks to have noticeable effects for me. My best job interview came after 2 weeks away from porn.

Also, it's a vicious circle. Not doing well in your life makes you feel down and feeling down sends you to porn as a self-medication. However, porn is like a water with a tone of salt in it. The more you drink, the more thirsty you get but it never satisfies you. Porn doesn't heal anything. It adds problems, actually. Feeling down is not healed by porn. I said to myself that no matter how bad I felt, porn would not make me feel better. It would make me feel worse, in fact. 

 

[RebooterOne]

I only did better when I had streaks away from porn. It used to take about 2 weeks to have noticeable effects for me. My best job interview came after 2 weeks away from porn.

I noticed it too. After about 10 days without PMO I feel way better about myself. More like myself actually.
Even though I experience most of the known benefits I'm also having powerful cravings to use P. It is so hard to stay away form it even though I see evidence that quitting P works. And it works wonders for me.

But how do I stay away from it for an extended period of time? How to quit it for good?
It's been almost 4 years since I started fighting this addiction and the best streak I got was 12 consecutive days without PMO.

 

[Lero]

Even though I experience most of the known benefits I'm also having powerful cravings to use P. It is so hard to stay away form it even though I see evidence that quitting P works. And it works wonders for me.

Exactly. The irony. It's better without porn but we go back to it. Unfortunately, until the brain reboots itself, we will experience suffering. There is no other way. After years and years of pleasure, pain is inevitable. Every addiction has withdrawal. It sucks but only like this we can do it. Everybody goes through withdrawal to quit an addiction.

But how do I stay away from it for an extended period of time? How to quit it for good?
It's been almost 4 years since I started fighting this addiction and the best streak I got was 12 consecutive days without PMO.

Yes, I've been struggling for years too. I've been fluctuating between periods of success and periods of weekly relapses that made me feel I had no hope. I don't think there is an ultimate solution. I had moments when I wished something could come and make the addiction seem like it had never happened. But it doesn't work that way in real life. The only thing is to follow the advice and plans that we could find on the forum and around the Internet on similar places, add willpower and determination for it and face the pain. It won't be forever. But the pain of porn will be forever if we don't do it. It's our long term well being vs short term pleasure that harms us and leaves us craving for more.

I visualize how I feel after a relapse, I visualize how I feel without porn, I remember those times in the past when I had a good time staying away from porn, when I did well at job interviews and conversations with people, when I had a lot of energy, when I needed less sleep to feel alright (I was alright even after a sleepless night), when the energy made my brain work better, remember things better and find words so fast. I can't give up on all this for a harmful pleasure. I can't anymore. It's been too long. I can't go on like this my whole life.

Hang in there, man. We can do this. The idea is, we should learn from every relapse and struggle. We should not let it go to waste. After all those years of struggling with this, I've come a long way in terms of "plan". When I started, I didn't know all I know now. If relapses have been necessary for me to learn all this, then so be it. The past is past. We can't change it. But we could change ourselves everyday from now on.

 

[RebooterOne]

Thanks Lero for your response.

I did it. I told my mom about my problem. It was very hard to do but the situation I got myself in yesterday helped a lot.

I got robbed yesterday. I won't go into details but I was so stressed that I knew that I was going to relapse. But instead I told my mom about my addiction, I showed her Gary Wilson's TED Talk. She is supportive and suggested me to see psychologist. I decided to give it one more go and if I fail I'll seek help.

I didn't relapse yesterday. Today I'm 5 days clean already. I'm still feeling stressed because of robbery but at the same time my mind is clearer and I'm more at ease in terms of my PMO problem. All thanks to telling mom about it and resisting cravings yesterday.

To put my recovery in some frame and have some clear steps to follow everyday I decided to re-read No More Mr. Nice Guy book and do all the Breaking Free Activities. I am not full-blown Nice Guy but there are definitely some things to work on.

 

[Lero]

That's outstanding progress, man! A good step forward.

 

[RebooterOne]

I relapsed. I binged. I am starting over.

Among the things that make me relapse being home alone is the worst. And this is what happened yesterday. Also, I had a lot of stressful situations lately but it is impossible to avoid stress completely so it can't be an excuse.

 

[Lero]

I relapsed. I binged. I am starting over.

Among the things that make me relapse being home alone is the worst. And this is what happened yesterday. Also, I had a lot of stressful situations lately but it is impossible to avoid stress completely so it can't be an excuse.

Let's get back on track. I'm coming from a binge too.

 

[RebooterOne]

I managed to get out of relapse cycle.

I realized that it makes me uncomfortable to not have urges. I don't like this empty state when I feel asexual.

 

[RebooterOne]

Withdrawal started to kick in.

I'm on day 6 right now.
Today I woke up at 3:00 AM soaked in cold sweat. Fell asleep. Woke up again at 4:30 AM. Soked in sweat again and with... rock hard erection. No sexual dreams, no wet dream. I was lying in bed and started to M and fantasize about girl I know. After few minutes those fantasies became more and more P-like. When I realized that, I stopped. Waited until erection faded away and took cold shower.

I know that if I would O, chaser effect would push me to P. It happend countless times before.

I am tired now because of little sleep but I am happy that I didn't relapse. Also, I am happy because of that erection. I don't remember the last time I had such a solid erection even with P.

 

[Lero]

That's outstanding, bro! You stopped before the relapse. Look at it like an achievement for today and not like: "It's hard, man!"

 

[RebooterOne]

Day 7 free from P. I'm not necessarily counting days but it is easy to say what day I'm on since I started on June 1st.

Well, like yesterday I started this day with M to fantasy. But this time I edged a bit. I remember reading on YBOP that M with fantasy that reminds P is similar to PMing for brain. I know I have to stop doing it but I'm not hard on myself and don't consider it a relapse. It is very hard to stop PMO anyway.

I stopped myself, I haven't O and most important thing is that I haven't looked at P.

I'm going to take a cold shower now. Tomorrow I'm going to jump out of bed when I wake up to prevent M.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Good call on the plan to jump out of bed!

I know a lot of sources say that M without P is okay, and you know what works for you best. But I've never been able to have any sort of M without it leading to PMO. For me at least it's all the same thing.

I guess what I'm saying is that quitting PMO is really hard, but it has been easier for me when I cut out M also. May or may not be something helpful to think about.

 

[Lero]

Good call on the plan to jump out of bed!

I know a lot of sources say that M without P is okay, and you know what works for you best. But I've never been able to have any sort of M without it leading to PMO. For me at least it's all the same thing.

I guess what I'm saying is that quitting PMO is really hard, but it has been easier for me when I cut out M also. May or may not be something helpful to think about.

Same for me. You know, I think we can feel ourselves if it's a good thing or not. Many people ask if they can masturbate and some guys tell them yes others tell them no. I think you know if it works for you or not. For me it doesn't.

 

[RebooterOne]

I don't talk about M alone. I talk about M to P-like fantasy. You know, fantasizing about the things that remind P or recalling P scenes in mind. This is bad. I don't think M alone is a good or a bad thing. It is just useless activity in my opinion.

Also, M alone for me is not an option because:

1) Unreliable erections; sometimes I can get an erection by slight touch, sometimes I cannot whatever I would do, it is a form of PIED,

2) I believe the recovery will be more effective if I abstain form MO too, not only from PMO. I don't consider myself being on "hard mode" but if there is no oppportunity to have real sex at the moment I don't want to O with M. If there will be a chance to have sex I won't refrain from trying, being intimate with a real person is a way to rewire brain. If I fail because of PIED so be it, I'll try again other time,

3) Just as BlueHeronFan said: "I've never been able to have any sort of M without it leading to PMO". Actually, I managed to stop myself after M for some time, but if I would O chaser effect would make me relapse with P. It happens to me every time with MO.

Today I am feeling good. Benefits of abstaining started to kick in yesterday. Clearer mind, higher confidence and this "attraction" thing. Don't really know why the latter happens but people start notice me more, people who never paid attention before (at work for example) start saying "hi" and begin conversations with me. Maybe it has something to do with my general attitude.

Yesterday I started talking with girl at work. We have never talked before. I had no expectations nor I gave it a second thought to approach her or not. I just did it. It was way more rewarding than pixels on a screen. This is my favourite benefit: friendly interactions become rewarding.

 

[RebooterOne]

I haven't posted in a while.
I want all of you to know that I'm still fighting this and I'm still failing to quit.

It doesn't sound good, I know but actually I have a very positive outlook for coming year 2020 and a lot of realistic plans that I already started to work on.

I wish you all the best in a coming year.