Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
- Thread starter 67reboot
- Start date
Hi,
at this time no, been told she has no feelings for me what so ever and is still actively looking for a house to rent for her and the boys. Nothing I do or say seems to make any difference ... must confess I am at a very low point at the moment. Still porn free and behaving myself.
Thanks for the support ... 67
at this time no, been told she has no feelings for me what so ever and is still actively looking for a house to rent for her and the boys. Nothing I do or say seems to make any difference ... must confess I am at a very low point at the moment. Still porn free and behaving myself.
Thanks for the support ... 67
bob
Respected Member
Oh 67,
Please stay strong.
A logical and easy answer would be to stay strong for her. It seems to makes sense. But I say stay strong for yourself. As an individual struggling with this process, you are the only one that you can control. And if, god forbid, you have to be on your own, you sill need to exist without p.
I hope that reconciliation is in your future. Though not religious, I pray that this is what will happen. I know this is what you want and I am behind you. But you need to take care of you and a pmo free life is the only way you will be able to grow into the man you must become. Ironically, it is what may also turn the tide with your wife. The pmo life displays secrecy, dependency, and weakness. Not particularly desirable characteristics. A life free of pmo shows strength, integrity, and a sense of purpose that your wife may come to respect.
I hope you can see these comments as heartfelt. It has to be difficult, lonely too. These are times that the desire to "medicate" are the strongest. But we must overcome this.
Peace
Please stay strong.
A logical and easy answer would be to stay strong for her. It seems to makes sense. But I say stay strong for yourself. As an individual struggling with this process, you are the only one that you can control. And if, god forbid, you have to be on your own, you sill need to exist without p.
I hope that reconciliation is in your future. Though not religious, I pray that this is what will happen. I know this is what you want and I am behind you. But you need to take care of you and a pmo free life is the only way you will be able to grow into the man you must become. Ironically, it is what may also turn the tide with your wife. The pmo life displays secrecy, dependency, and weakness. Not particularly desirable characteristics. A life free of pmo shows strength, integrity, and a sense of purpose that your wife may come to respect.
I hope you can see these comments as heartfelt. It has to be difficult, lonely too. These are times that the desire to "medicate" are the strongest. But we must overcome this.
Peace
WEEK SEVEN ? Monday
Well the good news is that I am still clean of porn and chat room activity and I am well on the road to being a monk with no masturbating either. Not been that easy but not that hard either, trick has been to keep busy and reach for the blog to both give those idle fingers something to do and to give the brain another jolt of reality.
Mondays are my therapy session with my councillor. Today we were discussing last weeks homework and looking at boundaries, what is and is not acceptable. Acceptable to my wife. It was suggested that being friends with ?ex partners? may be provocative, I can see how that ?could? be the case but I truly don?t believe it is in our case as we both brought ?ex partners? with us as friends into our relationship. But I will be examining if I have been ?over flirty? in some circumstances .. OK looking back I have been and have to work hard to put a stop to that.
Interesting thought, the longer I embark on monkhood I seem to to ?eyeing up? women less not sure if its connected or linked to my depressed state of mind at the moment.
WEEK SEVEN ? Tuesday
Late to hotel last night and late again today due to issues at work. Spare time spent playing Minecraft on my phone.
WEEK SEVEN ? Wednesday
Works meal tonight and quite a few strong beers, back to hotel ?. checked some nice messages on Reboot Nation then bed. All well behaved.WEEK SEVEN ? Thursday
Thursday is home day. Have helped wife with financial references to rent a house, holding it together in the office has been difficult. The thought of living in a different house to my family makes me feel ill to the core so here I am again writing yet another letter to my wife, why a letter? Because when I try and speak these words it just gets too emotional and messy!
I am sorry yes this is another letter begging and pleading for you to reconsider moving out. I cant and wont stop you and will do everything I can to help as you will always be the mother to our boys and I hope my closest friend. But I can?t stand by and not say anything or at least try rescue our marriage. I am guessing you are in a space where you think you have to go through with it this time after threatening me with this after being caught the last time. But helping me to fix our marriage is not ?me winning / you loosing? ?me getting away with it again? because there are no winners in a divorce. The core of our relationship is so strong, we work well together, we are great friends and we make an excellent team in life. Sexually we have a problem that?s of my own making and standing back from myself and looking in has not been a pretty place to be and for that I will always be sorry and have immense regret for the years wasted.
So why is this time so different? Why should I be trusted? Never before have I looked so hard and who I am and why and what I am doing and how I got to this place. I know that my therapy sessions and continuing to participate in the ?Reboot? program has made a significant difference and is what I should have done last time. Fix this and the only thing not good about our relationship should be fixable.
Please take some time to look back at all the good times we have had, the places we have been, the journey with our boys its has been a roller coaster ride but the majority of it has been good and for the future it could be so much better. Look back through those photos, think of the good times too what we have is so good what we can have can be so much better.
I am not expecting an immediate decision or reversal in the way you think of me but please keep all of this in your mind before the road we are on at the moment has no way back.
I have always loved you and I always will ? just wish my actions reflected that more at times. What ever you decide I will be there for you.
Your husband, best friend and lover.
WEEK EIGHT ? Monday
This Monday mornings therapy session was mostly about preventing relapses. Identifying what in me could trigger a return to ?my old ways?. Faced with the imminent move of my wife and family into a rented house what I have to be most careful of is feelings of despair coupled with loneliness and, being base, just being plane horny. Lonely evenings will be filled with lots of projects, DIY and of course karate. Whether or not I am able to win back my beloved wife is a big unknown but relapsing into my old world would only make things worse, not only would I loose any credibility or respect with my wife but it would also cloud my brain and push me back onto that fog which has been so crippling for so long.
Exhaustion is something I do have to be careful of as this acts like being drunk and can cloud your judgement. Proper exercise and sleep, just basic healthy living.
Depression, Self Pity, Frustration and all those negative emotions associated with ?I have lost it all so why should I bother?? ? I have to remember that even if I have lost my wife, I still have two amazing boys that I need to be a role model for.
Drugs and Alcohol, well we all know that booze is a great way of shedding your inhibitions but fortunately I don?t drink much these days and its a long time since I have done any drugs! But drinking alone is something I shall be avoiding.
Letting Up on Discipline, for the foreseeable future I need to be very disciplined in terms of physical and mental fitness, continuing therapy, writing my blog and participating in the forum are all ways to help keep my mind focused and on track, especially in these dark days when there does not seem to be much hope.
Complacency and Cockiness, if , and it seems to be a very big if, I am lucky enough to convince my wife that I am worth yet another chance I need to remember these dark days to ensure that I am never complacent enough to think ?just one more? is an ok thing to do.
WEEK EIGHT ? Wednesday
Its a slow week for my blog as things are so busy at work, that?s a good thing but I am working from home this week and this is not where I used to misbehave (usually) .. where are we with the homework?
Neural Pathway Restructuring or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy ? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy thought I had better do some research on what I am being asked to do ? seems like there a fair amount of evidence to support it, here is some more reading. http://reset.me/story/neuroplasticity-the-10-fundamentals-of-rewiring-your-brain/
Reading about how this stuff works and its effectiveness gives me hope and extra resolve.
Homework, Pillar 6 of the Neural Pathway Restructuring. Duration.
I will lengthen the duration of my healthy choices. I will choose wise choices over an extended period of time. I have started to make healthy choices on a daily basis. I will continue to do this but I will extend the days into weeks and weeks into months, the months into years and the years into a lifetime. I alone am responsible for these choices being made. As I lengthen the duration of my choices my confidence will increase and I will heal. From now on I will no longer hold others responsible for my thoughts, my feelings , my actions or my life. I can choose my future and I will do this by making healthy choices for the duration of my life.
.. no summary needed this week, pretty self explanatory. I shall carry on reading these at least 3 times a day. Yes its brain washing by any other name but our brains have already been messed with by porn and need a dam good wash out.
WEEK NINE ? Monday
Nine weeks ? gosh is it really? Makes it about 13 weeks since I was caught with my pants down.
So what good has come out of that 13 weeks? Well I know my self a lot better, I understand more about the processes of this sort of addictive behaviour. I know I love my wife more than she can ever imagine and would do anything to fix this. I know I am getting better and this is working.
So what?s bad? I doubt that my wife will ever trust me again. Truth is I doubt she will be my wife for very much longer. This week we signed the papers on a rental lease for the family to move into. Been a very hard week to cope with it all and have been close to cracking up all week. Have picked up furniture for the new house too. I need to be strong for my family because they will always be that, they need a home, just wish it was with me.
I am still attending therapy sessions on a Monday and they help be stay grounded for the week. I did ask that my wife attend this weeks session instead of me as my therapist deals with the trauma associated with betrayal of this sort. My wife has not ruled it out, just not ready now. She already has PTSD from the premature birth of our second son and the subsequent 77 days he spent in hospital (he is perfect in every way now) so I am feeling especially guilty about adding an extra layer of trauma to her life. I have been told in no uncertain terms that this sort of betrayal is very traumatic.
I think I need to re-write an earlier chapter about the ?low point? in all this ? the low point in here and now. When I embarked on this process I was genuinely excited and finally dealing with this ?issue? I had known it was an issue for some time .. but at the same time it never really floated to the bit of my brain which said ?deal with it?. I was sort of getting a handle on it end of last year / begining of this and sexuality between the wife and I was increasing and we were the happiest we had been for ages. Both boys were happy and well and the stress?s of the past two years were starting to wane. Then I had to have that stupid moment of insanity where I was home alone for a couple of hours and no work to do ? and bang ?. 13 weeks later wife and family on the verge of moving out and I have lost the love and respect of the woman who means everything to me.
This document is called hope, but there is precious little of that at the moment just despair to be honest. I am trying (and failing) to hide my emotions from the wife as it is making her feel uncomfortable.
Still not wanking, cant be bothered to be honest.
WEEK NINE ? Tuesday
Homework time! No specific homework this week! Think the therapist is running out of tasks for me.
Homework, Pillar 7 of the Neural Pathway Restructuring. Intensity.
Intensity has been one of my worst enemies. The more intense a stimulus is the greater the the impact it has upon my brain and body. The negative things I have experienced and chosen to take in have been intense and they have shaped my being. From this point forward I will remember the principle of intensity and I will never willingly allow such an intense and negative experience to come into my life. To allow such a thing , I am making a choice not to recover. Healthy changes can be made without intensity so long as I practice the principles of consistency, frequency and duration.
Again, pretty self explanatory this week
WEEK NINE ? Wednesday
A good evening of healthy choices, out and about walking in the European summer heat to get a football shirt for my boy. Unusually for me a couple of beers in the hotel bar, so dam hot was needed! And then finished off a virtual world in Minecraft for my eldest boy and his friends to play in. All good stuff.
The I get a reminder that the wife is moving out and my little bubble bursts, and I wallow in self pity and despair for a bit. Its like being paralysed I don?t know what to say or do, I literally feel like I am going to be sick. But, I have to keep my mouth shut, pick myself up, smile and carry on. Got no one to blame but myself. All I can do is hope that over the course of the next few months as we live apart that the wife seems something in me worth the effort and risk of give me another chance.
WEEK TEN
............ wife moved out .... helped pack, move and set up furniture in the the new rental house.
Tried to put a brave face on it for the boys ... but it felt like I was digging my own grave. Put the boys to bed, kissed them good night and cried my eyes out all the way home.
I hate myself so much for what I have done to my wife and family, these are very dark days. Going to have to work very hard now to continue to better myself and do what I can to win my wife back as I do love her so.
Still clean, no porn no porn or chat rooms. The thought of it actually makes me feel sick now to be honest as all I can think about now is the damage done to our lives.
My 2 year old boy now says "mummy house and daddy house" .... breaks my heart
Neural Pathway Reconstruction homework, Pillar 8 - Commitment
When I started my journey I committed to pay whatever price was necessary in order to get well. To this point I have done that but I recognise this is only the beginning. I commit at this time to continue to pay what ever price is necessary and I will make that commitment every day. As I continue to make that commitment I will continue to become more healthy. Life is worth living and living means more than simply surviving. Living means growing and I have now started the process of growing. I will continue to pay the price of growing and make positive decisions to keep myself safe from relapse.
I think its important to continually re-commit oneself to keeping clean, and if a relapse does occur learn from why it happened and take steps to ensure it does not happen again.
WEEK ELEVEN
Thanks Bob, nice to have some kind words of support.
The house is very empty, hate it,
I am away on business again this week so checking in here regularly to ensure I don't drift into any old habits. Still see the wife a lot and chat a lot via WhatsApp when away but it is at best friendly .. no warmth or the slightest hint of the love we once had.
I have to refrain from blurting out how much I love her and how sorry I am and every opportunity as I am sure she is tired of it and just makes me look sad and pathetic and very unattractive ... even more than a pants down wanker.
On the plus side karate and studies are going much better! Fit body and fit mind and leave my dick alone.
Trying to meditate each night as well, but that usually is a fat fail as I fall asleep part way through .. least I am sleeping better now.
Everyone's story and journey is different, for me this is not a "reboot" of my sexuality its an off switch. No marital sex .... no porn or masturbation ... and no moving on either, I have never had an affair and I am not about to start now .. I am still married and for me that means for better or worse, in sickness and in health, richer or poorer and forsaking all others (ok we need to update these words for the modern world to include others real or virtual) to death us do part ... or more likely ... divorce.
What ever happens I am sure this process will be good for me in the long term.
every day I wish I could turn back time .... and know then what I know now.
Neural Pathway Reconstruction homework, Pillar 9 ? Investment
I now know the importance of avoiding unhealthy stimuli and choices. I will avoid unhealthy choices. I will avoid unhealthy stimuli. My choices to not avoid these things in the past have contributed to my current place in life. From this point on, as I have the desire to act out I will remember my values and my vision of a better life. I will act accordingly and I will avoid all unhealthy stimuli. I will pay whatever physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual and financial price is necessary to avoid this stimuli and get well. I will do this because I am making the investment in one of the most important creations in the universe ? me. I would choose to walk a thousand miles many times over before I will allow unhealthy stimuli to come into my life again. I will avoid unhealthy stimuli and I will stay well.
I have not only crashed my life into a brick wall but also that of my beloved wife, who is struggling and battling through this with no one to talk too. Fortunately I think the boys have been shielded from most of the drama as the separation has a cover story of moving out due to the builders. But that can only last so long. If I am ever to get another chance I have to be well, if I ever have a weak moment I think back to the day when she caught me, the mess of our lives its caused and the divergent paths ahead, the unwell path is a lonely path with no family and the well path has only hope. Hope is all I have right now and its the path I choose.
https://www.menprovement.com/stop-fapping-jerking-off-and-jacking-off/
http://rebootblueprint.com/10-powerful-benefits-of-quitting-porn/
aquarius25
Respected Member
I am so sorry you are hurting. I am praying for you and your wife. I hope she is talking with someone. Life is really hard but just keep going. You have kids that look up to you and depend on you. You are starting to become the person that you want them to see. Keep going. You are doing a great job. Meditation can be hard but is really helpful in digging into your root causes. Try setting an alarm clock and just doing 5-10 mins at a time and then journaling about it. I am so sorry for your hurt and your wife's hurt too. I am still praying that time, and her seeing you start walking in integrity, will help slowly mend the brokenness in both of you and reunite your family. If there is ever anything I can do please feel free to reach out! You have lots of support here!
WEEK TWELVE
Have spent a few evenings alone in the house and its unbelievably horrid .... away on business this week and was going to spend this evening working on my journal but instead I got called out to work ... so that takes care of keeping me well behaved this evening doesn't it?
My wife no longer wears her wedding ring ... I crumpled inside
Very tired tonight, been some tough stressful days, lonely days. In the past the wife and I would be in constant contact swapping pictures, notes on the day just chatting. Now its very different, I try and sometimes there is a burst of chatter then I can tell she remembers and the one word responses come back ? they hurt like hell .. ok ? sure ? fine ? sleep well ? There is none of the warmth and love there used to be and each message sting like an arrow.
I will confess I nearly came off the wagon tonight, so lonely, tired, depressed just wanted to get my head out of my current existence to some place else. I got as far as the log on page before I had a ?what the f**k you doing moment? ?. scared me actually ?. so I had a little sleep and here I am confessing my sins, or nearly sins at least.
Home day tomorrow, the wife has been amazing. She goes to ?Daddies house? with the boys and dog and I am welcomed home from my travels like I always have done ? she is a tough, determined, unforgiving but a lovely woman and the love of my life.
Neural Pathway Reconstruction homework, Pillar 10 ? Gratitude
I have now begun to feel free and experienced living with honesty and integrity and for this I feel gratitude. I will allow gratitude to be my guide in my life. My life is better today than it was several months ago when I began this journey and I feel gratitude. I have learned to healthily accept and experience both pain and joy with dignity, and for this I am grateful. This learning has also allowed me to feel more grounded in my day to day life. As I stay grounded I think more clearly and as I think more clearly I make rational choices. As I make rational choices I make the conscious choice to stay healthy. Hence I will continue to feel gratitude. I will find someone or something for which I am grateful, every day. No matter how painful a certain day may be I will find something to express my gratitude for, even if the thing I express gratitude for is the ability to healthily experience pain. Foe the same mechanism that allows me to feel pain also allows me to feel joy. I will feel and express gratitude and I will continue to stay healthy.
I have to confess at the moment gratitude is not high on my feelings list! No .. that?s not correct, I am glad this is all out in the open in our marriage / my life and there is an opportunity to fix it. The price to be paid is very high, it has take a huge toll on my wife and not sure our marriage can take it. But I am committed to doing anything I can to save it. She is worth it, our marriage is worth it.
WEEK 13
Thanks for the works of support .. they do help. Week 13 was last week, I did not log in here at all last week. Was working from home and helping out with the house move with the family into the rental house. Must have been confusing for the boys as there were staying in different houses all the time. But they stayed with me a lot (as did the dog) and the wife came over early to take over as I need to be at my desk for 8am .. Wife has been awesome about this sort of stuff and I saw a lot of the boys last week .. and the wife too.
No idea what the future holds, trying very hard not to show how upset I am as I know she hates that. Fortunately the worst of times are either when I have left the boys at her house and I drive away, guts me every time .. or I wander around our empty home. Everything and I mean everything is a reminder of her or the family and it hurts like hell.
I know she is hurting too, I can see it, I can see the impact this trauma has caused and it makes me sick to the core.
Spent some lovely evening playing on the XBOX with my eldest boy, some precious moments there, my therapist says I should take the positives from each day and be grateful. Well that's one of the positives I will take from last week!
We also had a lovely family picnic on Sunday by the river, in fact was a lovely weekend, some other positives t pack away to keep the therapist happy!
So no mention of porn / chat rooms etc because kept myself too busy for that garbage. One more week of work then 3 weeks off. Not had 3 weeks off in 20 years, very much looking forward to it.
WEEK FOURTEEN
Away on business again. This is Tuesday night, Monday was a long hot day in trains, 6 hours across Europe the last 2 hours was 36?C and no A/C ? got to the hotel about 9pm and had a couple of much needed beers and an early night. Should not have had the beers really but not going to beat myself up over it. Tonight spent a fair few hours studying and after a bit of blogging going to check out some thing on Netflix. I was going to practice some karate but need to rest a hurting foot!
All really boring and uneventful .. the way I want to keep it!