Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)

[uncreatedlight]

My new abode is a rental, and I've got a three year old who asks if he can just stay when I send him to his mom's house. It is absolutely heartbreaking, so reading this struck a chord for me.  I had a full-on affair.  You looked at porn.  This seems like a rather severe reaction on your wife's part.  I hope she will temper it some. 

At the very least, I hope she will appreciate what a massive effort you are making.

 

[Gracie]

I guess for we wives porn feels like an affair.  Generally speaking the amount of sex we get plummets.  I had sex once a week.  He was having "sex" 5 or mor times a week with whoever was in the movie in his head with penis in hand..  So....how does it not resemble an affair?

 

[HarveyManfrengensen]

I guess for we wives porn feels like an affair.  Generally speaking the amount of sex we get plummets.  I had sex once a week.  He was having "sex" 5 or mor times a week with whoever was in the movie in his head with penis in hand..  So....how does it not resemble an affair?

Gracie, this really helped me understand more what my wife is going through.  We have been attempting sex about once a week or less for a long time now.  After I told her about my addiction she was very upset.  Now I understand.  She was laying and waiting to get from me the feelings I was getting from porn.  I was choosing it over her.  She feels like I wanted those women, not her.  I feel horrible for causing her to feel this way.  I truly believe I was addicted to that dopamine rush, and I was constantly hitting my brain with dopamine every 15 to 20 minutes by looking at new posts on reddit all day long.  So when it was time to please her, to make her feel wanted, I wasn't getting enough dopamine from a real woman to get aroused, even though I find her extremely attractive.

I am so happy I found out about this addiction and what it does to my body and brain.  I want nothing more than to heal and start making her feel the love that I have for her in the ways she needs and so desperately wants. 

Thank you!

 

[uncreatedlight]

Gracie,

That sounds incredibly lonely.  I know from experience how hard it can be to cope with a partner who doesn't desire you.  I suppose it all boils down to magnitude and compulsion.  Some people can have an occasional drink, and for others, it dominates their lives.

 

[Gracie]

Just remember, we as women are taught by our culture, our families, our husbands, looks are important.  We are also told that if our husband uses porn we are:  Too fat, not spicy in the bedroom, too old, too wrinkly, not enough of a sex drive, woman parts affected by childbirth, house not clean etc etc. 

So when porn is used it equals failure on our part.  I seriously thought my husband was having an affair.  I discovered his use.  Boy, what an eye opener.  You can get through this is the good news.  It takes a lot of work and commitment.  If you want to know more, pm me.

 

[67reboot]

Well hello again ... been a while since I wrote in here, summer holidays came and went I took 3 weeks off hoping to spend some time just being with the wife and trying to mend some wounds. But alas no things have been deteriorating, she has told me bluntly she has no love for me and wants no more part of my life .. apart from me being a father to our boys and as a friend in that journey .. for that I am grateful.

I have had to quit the therapy sessions for financial reasons but they were more of a comfort now than a need, had about 3 months worth maybe more and it helped put all this crap into perspective and started me on this journey. Still off the porn / chat room activity and feel good about that. Family still in tatters and fell like a low life for that, I know my wife's anxieties are hurting her bad, I can see through her brave face and know she is hurting too but the look I get when I reach out to touch her just breaks my heart.

Causing this much hurt to someone you love so much is difficult to live with. If it was not for the boys and if I was 30 years younger I would join the Foreign Legion and just get away from it all ... but I can't ... I have a wife and 2 gorgeous boys to support.

The wife has told her parents, gory details and all I think so that is going to make like "interesting" and I have had to tell mine, have told them its my fault and asked that they remain friends with the wife as my Mum is a fantastic Nanny and when the dust settles on this (however it turns out) she will be needed more than ever!

I have said it before but its worth repeating that the problem with this "problem / addiction / whatever"  is that when you are "in it" you are justifying its very existence which when you are in the clear blue fresh air on the other side seems like a whole load of bullshit and garbage which is why I understand the wife does not think "this" is a real medical problem and that I am just a bad man. May one day she will once the anger and hurt subsides .. maybe ... and maybe then there would be a chance for us to do this marriage lark again .. properly.

I can live in hope.

 

[uncreatedlight]

You aren't a bad man.  Don't believe those stories for a second.  You are working one day at a time on a very difficult problem.  That takes tremendous courage and love for your wife and two boys.

It is unfortunate that your wife decided to share intimate details about your life with her parents.  Don't let it get to you too much.  Hold your head up high and remember your intrinsic value.  Your compulsions don't eliminate that.

I know how much this hurts.  I am praying for all of you for health and healing.  God's grace is all around us.  We just have to pause for a moment to notice it.

 

[67reboot]

Thanks for all the messages of support and help, both here and privately. Messages from partners of addicts are always very insightful and i am touched that people actually hang around here to offer help and support to others even after their own situations have improved.

I feel for all those men separated from their loved ones by this insidious addiction, rebooting is like an awakening ... and when you awake you look back into your life seeing the havoc, destruction and waste left in our wake  ... looking back at our heartbroken loved ones who think we don't care, that we don't love and we don't fancy them ... looking back to see the faces of our kids wondering why mummy and daddy are never in the same place together anymore.

I feel for all those loved ones who now know why their sex lives got ruined and think its because we don't fancy them or think they are not sexy or not any good in bed. None of which is of course true. Its no wonder my wife cant stand to look at me any more and thinks our entire marriage was a waste of time. It must be the worst feeling ever felling your marriage was a sham.

The sad thing is that we had a great marriage, a great friendship, great kids and had some wonderful times ... this "addiction" was always there is some shape or form stopping great from becoming awesome. I love the wive totally, always have done and I always will.

Even though I have been clean now for months, I cant prove that to the wife and she does not believe it and I actually think it no longer matters as all she want to do is move on. One part of me says I should do the honourable thing and and just stand aside bit the other part of me wants to try my damnedest to show her that not only have I changed but things could be better than they ever were.

That's a big ask of the wife, not sure I deserve another chance ....

I can live in hope.

 

[hcm76]

Hello 67reboot

reading your messages is very painful, you are trying hard to overcome an addiction (like me) that is overwhelming strong, and your wife decides to go away and takes the kids away from your life...now, I don't know anything about your relationship (only you know about it) but one thing I can say for sure is that - if a person loves you, I mean, loves you for real, she does not let you down, in this way, when you need her the most. You describe your wife as an angel, that only decided to move out because she caught you having virtual sex in chat room - is she really an angel? A great women would not throw away a great man, a great husband, a great father like you just for a stupid chat session... if she really would be the wonderful women you picture her to be (I am not sure she is....) she would never - never! - ever! - do that to you! Maybe, the sex chats are not the real issue here... maybe you need to reflect more deeply on man-women relationship, and how comes that a wonderful father like you is let in this situation for a stupid, little thing like the chat...

I strongly suggest that you do a bit of research on line, maybe to find out that you are NOT the monster that your wife makes you believe you are and you are NOT the one that is guilty of the end of the marriage... you have your share of responsibility I give you that, but which sane, lovely, great person - leaves an husband and a FATHER! (!!!!) for a stupid chat? Not a great women, not an honorable women, that is for sure!

I suggest you go on youtube and search for "Paul Elam" and "An Ear for Men"... he is a great guy, and he discuss the relationship between women and man, and you can learn a lot from him. You may learn that this is NOT REALLY totally your fault, and you should not spend the rest of your life mourning a relationship with a women that let you down the moment you needed her the most.
I wish you all the best, and I really hope you can overcome this hard moment in your life...

HCM76

 

[Gracie]

Just an observation here.  67 has said he loves his wife and wants to fight for his marriage.  The operative words being, loves his wife.  How great!!  If one reads, it was not just a chat.  That is all she may have seen, but he admits to the addiction.  Healing from this takes time for both addict and partner.  And hopefull both realize they should be together. 

Hang in there 67.  Time helps!

 

[67reboot]

... not sure how much time there is left .... the wife wants nothing more to do with me and is looking to lawyers for a divorce :-(

 

[uncreatedlight]

Have you asked her what she needs from you right now?  Space?  To listen to her?  Try to understand what that is and then give it to her.  If she doesn't know or won't say, I recommend you err on the side that feels most unnatural, which is to give her space and avoid pressure.  If you can do that, you let her know that her happiness is more important to you than yours.  This begins to rebuild trust, and even if it doesn't work, you did what was most noble and sacrificed for someone else.

Begging and heartfelt apologies haven't worked in the past, so I wouldn't expect them to work now.  If you have time, then leave her alone for a while.  I'm assuming you are in the UK.  If so, you have a year or two of separation before official divorce, right?

 

[67reboot]

You are of course correct, it is the space she needs at the moment and not me being a pathetic emotional wreck.

I am trying very hard to keep myself busy and distracted, but its difficult.  Appreciate the feedback, sometimes the brutal truth needs to be told.

Still clean and no PMO

... if anyone is reading this and they have not been caught yet, sort yourself out before you wreck the lives of all those you love!

... there is still hope.

 

[67reboot]

Wow is it a month since my last entry in here? Good news still no porn or chat rooms. I wont lie, I have at times gotten an urge or thought but those are the time?s I usually log on to the ?reboot nation? update my blog etc so the more sporadic posts can be only a good thing? Hey, you got to take the positives where you can! Bad news the wife has told me she is starting to date someone else ? thought I was going fall apart when she told me, completely devastated.

We are living a weird existence in two homes where the boys split their time oblivious to the issues between the wife and I and are happy. Its all very friendly and amicable  for which I am very grateful. I have to curb my emotions not become a needy emotional wreck (again) for the boys.

I think its about time I gave back to some of the new guys in the forum and start reading and replying and helping where I can. Would not want this on anyone ? or their partners!

 

[Gracie]

So sorry that your marriage did not make it.  This addiction is so hard on relationships.  It is so hard to work through.  I know that I do not know how I stayed with it and all the work.  We had been married for 27 years.  However, I knew I loved him.  I knew if we were apart, I would still love him.  But, my self esteem and everything else was pretty close to zero.  There are days that it still creeps up on me.  And I still worry.  I still stay vigilant.  This will never sneak up on me and take my sense of self ever again.

He has done evrything I asked and he has worked hard too.  Just don't ever let porn into a relationship again.  You are better than porn. 

 

[uncreatedlight]

Your present is my future.  I suspect my wife is dating someone now or will tell me she's dating someone soon.  I am trying to my best to detach and let go, so it won't hurt as much when I find out the truth with certainty.

Your posts are so difficult for me to read because I can feel the sorrow and struggle in them so deeply.  Keep your sobriety and spirituality front and center.  You will make it through this time.  Keeping you in my prayers.

 

[bob]

Oh 67,

My heart aches when I read your words. I know this will not help but I think you are an amazing person. What you are doing. The strength you are showing. But my heart still aches. I can't imagine your pain.

 

[jthomas]

67reboot, Thank you so much for sharing your story.  It is heart wrenching to say the least.  For what it's worth, I think you're doing a lot of good for anyone who takes the time to read your journal, especially all the detailed self reflection.  Powerful stuff.  I'm taking to heart many things you said and imagine there are other folks with PMO addiction who have as well.  Thank you again for sharing. I truly hope you find peace and happiness in the future. 

J.

 

[67reboot]

Thanks for all your kind words they do mean a lot.

Sex addiction is in the news in the UK today : https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-46073909

I have sent the link (in a nice way I hope) to my wife as she does not believe its a real thing. The science and medical professions are not 100% convinced (slowly changing however) so I can see her reluctance. I guess its easier to keep anger going when I am just an ass-hole rather than someone who had a problem. What I find crushingly sad is that now that I am no longer under the insipid influence of porn / chatroom's  the love I have for my wife is so much more powerful and the only things wrong in our marriage are fixable .. in time .. forgive me just having an emotional morning.

I do hope that some good can come out of my "therapy" and blogging in here, looks like its too late for me and my marriage but others may read these blogs and take heed before to much damage is done.

Sadly for me it was the shock of being caught that woke me up enough to seek help ... wish it had happened a long time ago.

Peace to you too!

 

[workinprogressUK]

Hi 67.
I've just read this thread from start to finish. I feel a lot of compassion for you, because our stories are similar in some ways. I also feel deep empathy for your wife and the pain she must have felt. I remember after I was caught as a chatroom user, arguing that "it's only a chatroom. it's not like I had an affair" but my wife didn't see it that way, your wife doesn't, and with the benefit of time and counselling, I no longer see it that way either. It's an emotional betrayal, right? If it's anything like the way my wife felt after discovering my years of porn addiction, your wife no longer knows who the real you is.... she wonders whether your past life together was real or fake... she's afraid... she absolutely cannot trust you and things can never be the same for her again. There's so much pain all round. I can see that you're way beyond the "making a change for the sake of my marriage" thing, into something a lot deeper, which is making yourself a better, honest, reliable person. I massively salute you for that and I hope you continue to see success and growth. It reads like we've been through similar recovery programmes and I hope that I can learn from your experience and use it as a source of motivation. Your story has moved me like none of the others on here, so I'm truly grateful to you for sharing. Reading it has hardened my resolve to change and to stay clean. Thank you again and very best wishes for your continued recovery.