Work in Progress' Journal

[WiP]

Hello everyone and thanks!  Been lurking around here for a few days now and gained much from your posts. I promised myself that I would sign up and post today and I have!  Good start to the day.  I am 53, from Midwest, Christan (Catholic variety) married, father and addicted to PMO. I have been porn free for 26 days.  Gave it up for Lent.  I have always wanted a deeper spiritual life.  I believe P M have blocked that or at the least my classic Catholic guilt has. I am not posting my story yet.  I get the sense that there will be much value in that exercise and need to take my time with it.

Enjoy this wonderful day.  We are supposed to see 60 degrees for the first time in 4 months

Be Well

 

[fcjl8]

Hi WiP,

Welcome, to this fine community of men in recovery from PMO addiction. I noticed your post at both forums. They have been such a blessing to me in my recovery. Having other men who are making the same walk is a wonderful way to gain more strength.

26 days strong, that is a wonderful start.

I am 52 and married father, I have enjoyed the vast majority of my past 3 years free from PMO. But, I am still on this path dur to several relapses. The time away from PMO use has shown me this can be done and is so worth it.

 

[Viper]

Good to see another married father taking the steps to free
themselves from this venom.
Looking forward to reading your story.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Welcome WiP! I too am a married father who, like you, embarked on this journey to be a better man. With 26 days behind you already, you have a terrific start. I really look forward to reading your story.

 

[LTE]

It's great to have you here. Twenty-six days is a very solid start. You are already past the worst of it.

 

[WiP]

Thanks everyone!  I do feel welcomed!  Yesterday was a good day busy in a good way. Went to church and gave blood, had lunch with wife and son before packing him up to head back to college.  Spent the rest of the day on gutters and yard work.  Bonus was not too sore after sitting on my ass all winter,  Did reinforce the fact that I must get back to the gym

 

[Freethinker]

Hello WIP.

Welcome to RN. You and I are the same age. I was raised as a strict Catholic (no longer practice it). There's no guilt like Catholic guilt, right?.  No "self-flagellation" over this PMO stuff, okay? You have to be your own best friend to battle this stuff and remove it from your life. Best of luck whipping yourself back into shape this spring.

 

[WiP]

Thanks Freethinker, packing the gym bag and placing it in the truck tonight! The weight went up, muscle tone weak...I guess that is to be expected when you trade living for fantasy.  Lots of regrets in all the areas that matter but not dwelling on that today!

 

[Viper]

I can't say enough on how beneficial working out is. Especially when you go to a gym. It's always a work in progress and it's rewarding to see it materialize in mind, body, and soul.

 

[Jverhoye]

I totally concur!  My mind/body now crave working out instead of PMO.

 

[WiP]

Well life got in the way of my plans to hit the gym,  Bag is still in the truck.  Heading straight there after work.  Yesterday was a good day Busy and productive at home and work.  Kept my mind and body busy  Day 29 today.  This time of the day, Zero dark thirty, was my routine time alone when I cruised the net looking for P M O. So it is a vulnerable time that I will post daily.  The combination of caffine, nicotine, and PMO is a powerful combination that set an automatic alarm clock in my brain. I would wake up at odd time sometimes 2 and 3 times a night thinking that it was time to set the pattern in motion only to realize it was too early and try too go back to sleep That is not to say it was the only times, it was the most consistent and a major pattern that has been repeated for almost 20 years.  Before I found this place I replaced the time with spiritual reading, prayer and meditation. Now I need to add checking in to the mix and find the happy balance.

 

[LTE]

Well life got in the way of my plans to hit the gym,  Bag is still in the truck.  Heading straight there after work.  Yesterday was a good day Busy and productive at home and work.  Kept my mind and body busy  Day 29 today.  This time of the day, Zero dark thirty, was my routine time alone when I cruised the net looking for P M O. So it is a vulnerable time that I will post daily.  The combination of caffine, nicotine, and PMO is a powerful combination that set an automatic alarm clock in my brain. I would wake up at odd time sometimes 2 and 3 times a night thinking that it was time to set the pattern in motion only to realize it was too early and try too go back to sleep That is not to say it was the only times, it was the most consistent and a major pattern that has been repeated for almost 20 years.  Before I found this place I replaced the time with spiritual reading, prayer and meditation. Now I need to add checking in to the mix and find the happy balance.

This is a good opportunity to make a point that has been rattling in my brain for a while; no matter what happens, no matter how our plans change, we have to just keep moving forward and not allow any upset in out life to allow us to PMO.

 

[WiP]

Thanks LTE, I made it to gym tonight and it felt good.  Sure it won't in the morning ouch.  That is the plan got some tools now I did not have before so I don't have to go there today.  I am in a good place right now. 

 

[Viper]

Thanks LTE, I made it to gym tonight and it felt good.  Sure it won't in the morning ouch.  That is the plan got some tools now I did not have before so I don't have to go there today.  I am in a good place right now.

that's the spirit!

 

[WiP]

Figured out the counter and avatar things so it is a good start to a great day. Did a final clean out of all my stashes on 2 computers and 2 hard drives yesterday afternoon. Did not trust myself to do it in the first 30 days. I have done that probably 6 or 7 times in the last 10 years out of disgust and shame.  This time I have a recovery mindset, know without a doubt that I am an addict and have a wonderful support group to turn to. 

Today I am grateful I found YBP,YBR, and RN.


I am feeling a little uneasy about watching Game of Thrones tonight.  I have read all of the books and have seen all three seasons.  If you are not familiar with the series  they are not shy about on screen nudity.  GR Martin, the author is fantastic and I have thoroughly enjoyed the series.  In watching other shows I have just turned away and not had any desire to watch those parts or did it trigger any craving to go back to PMO.  What are your thoughts?

 

[fcjl8]

Having those same thoughts regarding Game of Thrones... I do watch it with my wife and the nude scenes are pretty brief usually. Still should we tempt fate by watching a good show with some nudity??? Asking myself that.

 

[WiP]

Checking in.  All is good.
Started in on Breaking the Cycle got to chapter 4.  Lots of thought provoking questions. I am not at all sure I am ready to fully deal with the emotional mental work and honest reflection/ journal writing which this suggests.  Should I suck it up and spend significant time with this before moving on or give it a once over, finish the book and then go back and do the history?  Can someone who has dealt with the material in depth share their thoughts?

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Hi WiP, Glad to hear all is well. I ran into a similar problem with the self-assessment portion of the book. Not only was I not ready mentally to do the work, but it also required a great deal more time than I was prepared to spend. In the end, I decided to bookmark that chapter and come back to it when/if I felt like it. The most important chapters in my opinion are those chapters that provide tools for avoiding triggers from random stimuli and dealing with compulsive thinking. The mental tricks described in "Blue Sky and High Heels," for example, are easy to employ in every day life and can be used immediately, as opposed to something like meditation, which is an equally useful practice for resisting impulses and staying in control but which requires a bit more practice.

Aside from all of the useful tools, there are a number of philosophical concepts in the book that I found useful, for example, the idea that there are a number of "subpersonalities" running a constant dialogue in our heads. Like the tools, the concepts are easy to grasp and apply.

Bottom line is, it's not necessary for you to plumb the depths of your personal history in order to master the other tools and concepts in the book.  You can always come back to that chapter later if you need to.

 

[a short guy]

This time I have a recovery mindset, know without a doubt that I am an addict and have a wonderful support group to turn to.

This is good to hear.

TV has been my biggest trigger. I don't have a TV, but just seeing it at the nursing home I would visit use to be difficult.

I'm 55, married, family, 40 year pmo history, grateful for YBOP, YBR and RN as well.

Here's to building character. Welcome.

 

[WiP]

Hi WiP, Glad to hear all is well. I ran into a similar problem with the self-assessment portion of the book. Not only was I not ready mentally to do the work, but it also required a great deal more time than I was prepared to spend. In the end, I decided to bookmark that chapter and come back to it when/if I felt like it. The most important chapters in my opinion are those chapters that provide tools for avoiding triggers from random stimuli and dealing with compulsive thinking. The mental tricks described in "Blue Sky and High Heels," for example, are easy to employ in every day life and can be used immediately, as opposed to something like meditation, which is an equally useful practice for resisting impulses and staying in control but which requires a bit more practice.

Aside from all of the useful tools, there are a number of philosophical concepts in the book that I found useful, for example, the idea that there are a number of "subpersonalities" running a constant dialogue in our heads. Like the tools, the concepts are easy to grasp and apply.

Bottom line is, it's not necessary for you to plumb the depths of your personal history in order to master the other tools and concepts in the book.  You can always come back to that chapter later if you need to.

Cosmo Glad to hear I wasn't the only one who did not want to dwell on that right away.  Now I can move on and get to the tools and concepts that you mentioned.  I was stuck and haven't gone back.  Thanks for unsticking me.

ASG Thanks.

I believe I might be rounding the curve on the flatline.  At least I hope.  Two days in a row (knock on wood, pun intended) of morning wood.  Not super hard but there is some life down there which gives me hope and gratitude for this reboot, the good lord who led me here and you guys.
Be Well