40 YO, never married, addicted to porn since 14.

[rider654321]

I am not willing to accept a limitless amount of slips.  I was just stating that I am not going to give up.  The whole get knocked down 7 times, get back up 8 times.  After each slip I always say that is the last one and mean it whole heartily.

For me, the slips are not just due to urges or triggers like seeing a lady in a bikini in a commercial.  I can control those and feel pretty confident about them.  My problem is emotional triggers.  Lately this has been a strong feeling of depression feeling like I am going to be alone for ever.  Like my apartment will never hear the sound of a woman again.  I'm using PMO as an emotional crutch.  The bad part is know I know PMO is the broken leg I need the crutch for.  The secret for me might be finding a new crutch while I learn to walk with out one.

I think the sexual release aspect of having a partner is one reason why doing this single is so tough.  For me the second and probably bigger reason is I do not have someone to talk to about this.  Someone I trust and can talk to on a regular basis.  Someone that I can do stuff with that will will distract me from being alone in a room full of devices.

Today I learned about a runners club.  I think I might look into that. I have to find ways to be more social.  My hermit ways need to stop.

Hi HTDT

What Thimbuk2 has posted above is excellent advice.

The runners club sounds good too. Anything that can refocus you away from porn will be beneficial, though you're still at some point going to be at home alone with a room filled with devices. So you also need to work out for yourself how you're going to deal with those times? Even if it means your journal here at those times.

I have no one to talk to about this either other than those I have come to know on here. This is my outlet when I need to vent, or lay my thoughts out. So your not really alone and nor am I.

I really do get how hard this is for single guy's. That is why I suggest that regular M be part of your life, just don't add the P part to it. It's the P that fucks up your brain and you don't want that. You want to be able to imagine yourself with a new GF down the track and being able to make love to her like a man should.

So maybe a good question might be "How long are are you going to allow porn to keep taking that opportunity away from you?"

If I were in your position I'd make a clear connection in my mind that every time I cave in and go back to porn and PMO, I am by default self sabotaging the relationship I'll have with my next girlfriend in advance of even meeting her.

The real problem with a accepting attitude towards slips has been talked about in plenty of threads on here. The problem is they just get easier to accept. You accept the first slip and then the next and the next and then the one after that too. You might convince yourself wholeheartedly each time that was the last one, but it never is, and likely never will be if you're going to be a person who will willingly accept slips as part of your reboot plan.

I'd encourage you to view slips as something much more than just a "slip". See them for what they really are, as self sabotaging actions that are intent on screwing up your next relationship.         

 

[PMOVictory]

For whatever reason we have to really mess things up badly in order for us to find a way out. In other words, we have to 'lose' to win. For some reason, it is the only motivator out there that makes sense.

Pain over Pleasure

I find that when I begin to feel shitty about myself or my life, I instantly look for ways to find gratitude. That in itself has saved me countless times. It's hard to find gratitude sometimes, but think about. What are all the good things going on in your life?  I find that if I think less about what I don't have and more about all things that I do have, then my mind gets right. Adopt the 'Porn is not an option' motto. Take a break from all the noisy stuff going on around you. The idea of quitting PMO is hard enough (no pun intended). This is only a suggestion and not meant to be harsh, but maybe the dating thing should be put on idle for a little while until that obsession has been removed. I know for me....I will not ever drag this crap into another relationship.

This is very valuable, important info!

So maybe a good question might be "How long are are you going to allow porn to keep taking that opportunity away from you?"

Pain over Pleasure

The real problem with a accepting attitude towards slips has been talked about in plenty of threads on here. The problem is they just get easier to accept. You accept the first slip and then the next and the next and then the one after that too. You might convince yourself wholeheartedly each time that was the last one, but it never is, and likely never will be if you're going to be a person who will willingly accept slips as part of your reboot plan.

I'd encourage you to view slips as something much more than just a "slip". See them for what they really are, as self sabotaging actions that are intent on screwing up your next relationship.

We all know how many times we have told ourselves in the past. "This is it, this will be the last time!" just to SLIP again, and again , and AGAIN!!!

You can do this! Stay strong and receive the Blessing!

 

[Havetodothis40]

Thanks guys, it was great to get up and read your comments this morning.  I really appreciate the insight and encouragement.  Even the criticism.  I have to admit that I need help on this, and that means reading and understanding what you have to say.

Thimbuk,  I am very reluctant to join the dating scene right now also.  I just have my profile up on one free site, and the only recent dates I have had are with woman who messaged me first.  Both dates were one and done.  Maybe partially because I am some how projecting my lack of confidence about ED.  I don't know.  I am going to see about taking that profile down for now.  Or at least editing it to let them know I am off the market for now.

The reason I was reluctant to let slips get me down before has to do with how I lost weight.  A lot of people who are are losing weight will let one bad decision weigh them down and continue to dig an emotional hole that they try to eat their way out of.  So I adopted the rule that I was not going to let one bad meal ruin all the work I have done.  Eat the bad meal, then move on and eat healthier.  Learn from that bad meal.  Why did I eat it?  What did it do for me?  Would working out or exercising have been better?  But don't dwell on that bad meal.  It really worked for me and was a huge help in helping me form better eating habits.

I am beginning to understand that going from PMO to no PMO is a lot different than going from hot wings and beer to chicken breast and baby spinach. I have to treat these slips/relapses different than I do with bad meals. There is no other way around it.

Time for some positivity in this blog. These are the things I have going for me right now.  I have a job that lets me work from home. I really like the area I live in, even if it is a little too country. I do have friends I can reach out to, they just are not in the area.  I have been maintaining the same weight for close to 6 months now.  I do have some more to lose, but overall I am very happy weight wise.

The two biggest negatives for me are PIED, and the DWI.  Both are temporary issues.  They may be around for a while and even pop up down the road after I think I am done with them, but they are still temporary and it is up to me to keep it that way.

Thanks again Rider, PMOV and Thimbuk.  Have a a great day!

 

[Havetodothis40]

Today is day 2, for the upteenth time. Probably closer to 4 or 5. 

I feel good.  I've said that before.  But some of the insights I learned here seem to really ring true to me.  Thanks again guys.  I also realize that unless something really strange comes up, I am finally in a spot were my emotions should be pretty even for a while.  I really hope that is the case, so I can get a running start at this streak.

Even if my emotions do dip I plan on coming here first and re reading the great advice.

Have a great day.

 

[rider654321]

Way to go HTDT. 

Maybe it will help if you journal a list of thoughts on how you plan to deal with things like urges, thoughts and triggers when they arise?

Write out a plan that clearly states your objectives and all of the reasons why you are quitting. Include a list of things you will do instead of PMO'ing when temptation arises, (as they inevitably will), and how you will go about managing your own normal male sexual urges. 

That way you'll have a printed plan that you can go back and refer to whenever you feel your being tempted. It will act as a reminder of why your doing this, and it may hold you more accountable to yourself?

 

[Havetodothis40]

One thing I have been thinking of doing is making signs and putting them around the apartment.  ( I live alone, so I would just need to remember to put them away in case company comes.) 

I do not feel I need the encouragement, or the reminder.  But I also realize I have to try new things. 

I will have to think about that.

 

[PMOVictory]

Your mindset sounds good.

Like Rider says. Knowing in advance what your plan of action will be, before temptation arises makes it easier to act according to the plan. Rather than act on the emotion and then messing it up once more! The latter just sets yourself up for failure repetitively.

You can do this!

Stay strong and be Blessed!

 

[rider654321]

One thing I have been thinking of doing is making signs and putting them around the apartment.  ( I live alone, so I would just need to remember to put them away in case company comes.) 

I do not feel I need the encouragement, or the reminder.  But I also realize I have to try new things. 

I will have to think about that.

I'd have a re-think on the labels around the apartment idea. You never know when a surprise guest will show up. That could be awkward  ???

Mate, all of us need and do benefit from a little encouragement as we walk this path. It's not an easy path for everyone, and being reminded of why we're here and what we here to achieve should be a daily occurrence for us all I reckon.

 

[Havetodothis40]

You're probably right.  I would have to get creative with the quotes at the very least. 

Today was a good day. A couple of urges, but nothing I couldn't handle.  I am happy to have 3 days under my belt.

I should be getting my car back from the shop tomorrow. I am so happy about that. I can't wait.  It's been over a month.

 

[Havetodothis40]

Just dealt with a brief flurry of urges after some disappointing news.  I was able to push them away.  I feel good. Will make a full entry later.

 

[Havetodothis40]

So far today has been good.  Some urges that I have been able to push away.  I do feel a bit depressed, but I am ok with that.

For over a month, I have been carless with just my bicycle.  I was supposed to get my car this week.  The shop has been finding new things, one thing a time delaying the me one day at time.  I was really hoping to get it today, so I could have it this weekend and get some errands done and visit my folks.

I got the call that something else popped up and they will have it to Monday.  My heart sank.  I really just want my baby back.  At first I had some really bad thoughts, but I pushed them out of my head.  I am doing better now.  I just needed some time to collect my thoughts.

 

[Havetodothis40]

It's funny, these past couple of months I have been more emotional (good great and bad) than I have been for all the years before.

I guess that is to be expected when I was hiding my emotions with food, booze and porn.

 

[unchained]

I have been more emotional, too.  I know you are single, but I feel the need to hug my wife every time I turn around.  Maybe being more emotional isn't such a bad thing if it means you better express  how you feel. In my case, my emotions were always flat due to constant thoughts of porn and coming off a PMO high.

Like you, I need to drink less.  Started vacation today...think I'll  tackle that one next week...lol

Stay strong

 

[savingmysoul]

I too have been very emotional throughout this process.  And I agree it is a good thing. 

It is a process to help better understand what I am feeling, and then deal with those emotions in a positive and healthy manner.

That is a process too, and I too want to run and hug and hold my wife -

 

[PMOVictory]

HTDT

Glad you managed to pull it off (no Pun intended) and not slip up after the bad news about your car.

One of the lies society are imposing on us are that men are not supposed to be emotional, and that we should not show our emotions. This is absolute BULL DUST! It could be one of the reasons why we men are sometimes making all this irrational decisions!

Dealing with our emotions is an ART, and SKILL! Spend the necessary time learning this art Brother!

Stay strong and be Blessed!

 

[Havetodothis40]

Thanks everyone.  I have been doing better.  I picked my car up yesterday.  I can't stop driving it.  I really missed it.  Plus it helped that I got at least 5 compliments on the car today as I was driving.  ( it's a 2013 Plum Crazy Dodge Challenger). 

It is nice to be able to come back here and read that other people are having similar feelings.

Be awesome!

 

[thimbuk2]

Great Job!! Great to hear you are feeling good and having success.

 

[PMOVictory]

Maybe this could help creating the spark some ladies were looking for when dating them...  8)

 

[Havetodothis40]

This past week has been busy and I think I made a major break through.

The XGF and I had been seeing each other every now and then.  But this past weekend we finally sat down and truly expressed our feelings, after a couple good days/dates together.  She said she is willing to work with me and be patient with me about my PIED/PMO.  I feel great. So far this has been great.  She made some changes that really makes me believe that she believes in us.

I am both pretty excited to have an understanding partner during this reboot process, and also a bit scared.  So far she has been great, but what if she gets frustrated?  We are talking and our line of communication seems pretty good. 

I just wanted to post a quick update.  I hope everyone is doing well!

 

[unchained]

Hope things work out for you.  I've followed your journal all along.

I try to relate my feelings to my wife...not so much the details of what I have done.  Having an understanding partner does help.  I wish you well.