Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health

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HumbleRich

Guest
Checking in one day sober.

This isn't quite the right venue for this, but I just spent half an hour Google-Earthing my graduate school university, where I met my wife, and it was a lot of fun to see all of it again.  And then I thought of everything I put her through that first year of dating.  I never show it around her, I don't think I quite know how...but I feel so much guilt over how I treated her that first year.  And how I have treated her prior to, and after we got married.  There is so much that needs to be fixed.  Feelings that need to be spoken.  Bonds that may always be frayed.  And although my main problem has always been alcohol, I feel that it is my life as an addict that has always been the burden.  And the truth will always be, I can never get that back.  I can't hit rewind as much as I wish I could.  I wish I could do it all again, without the booze, without the heartbreak.  I wish that I could meet my wife again, do my grad school program again, without the boozing, without the assholeness.  There are times I wish I could live my life over.

I can't.  And it is that precise insight that we hold as addicts.  When we feel the pain of our remorse, we can go back there and remember this fork in our road.  I can remember why I don't drink.  I can remember why I don't PMO.

I don't know if it is harder or easier, having gotten back together with, and then marrying, my wife after treating her so horribly badly.  For a long time it was the last thing I wanted to do.  Not because I wanted to chase other women.  Not because I didn't love her, I did.  But because I felt like I didn't deserve her.

And part of me feels like I never will.

I don't know what to do with all this.  But it is helpful to remember when I want to act out or drink.  I can remember what it did to me, the booze and the PMOing.  The hollow shell it turned me into.

And I can be thankful that I got to fix it all.

I have to remember that every day.

Rich
 
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aquarius25

Respected Member
I know that you really don't want to tell your wife but it really will change your recovery. The weight of the shame and secret will lighten so much. Being able to talk openly with her and not hide things, seriously. Will she be hurt, absoutly, but not because you told her. Her hurt isn't coming from the disclosure but the behavior that needed disclosing. In doing so you also add a huge amount of responsibility and accountability to your recovery. Now, with her not knowing, if you relapse you don't have to look in her eyes and own those actions. You don't have to see that hurt and disappointment. That right there impacts your reboot so much. By hiding it you can tell yourself its to spare her but really you are sparing yourself and there is a part of you that carries shame as a result. You will feel less shame when you have more honesty and integrity. That is a foundation part of addiction recovery. You can't recover without it. You can quit a behavior but real healing just doesn't happen because the accountability and ownership is so important.

I am sorry if my posting this is upsetting. That really isn't my intention. I am not trying to shame you. I can hear in your words just how much your heart hurts because of this. I am sincerely praying for you and your family. No matter what you choose to do I really wish the best for you. I am not mentioning this to be mean but more because I know that it really does make a dramatic difference. It isn't easy, or simple, and yes its a big can of worms to open but....the reality is that can of worm is already open because the behavior is there. Hiding it doesn't mean it isn't happening and if she ever does find out without you telling her....it just hurts so much more.
 
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malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I agree with Aquarius. Your recovery will be tenfold harder as long as you are doing it in isolation. Shame and guilt are a huge part of the equation with any addiction and you must rid yourself of this if you are to succeed. As long as you are hiding everything from the most important person in your life, shame and guilt cannot be resolved. When you confess, you are relieved of the burden of concealment, which takes up incredible amounts of energy, even if you think it's easier that way. As Aquarius said, the moment you confess, you are totally accountable for what you do from that point on - you must succeed once you declare that you have a secret that is incompatible with relationship health. As long as you don't confess, failure is an option - although the damage it's doing to her is hard to calculate because her confusion about your states and behaviour is hard to assess or measure. So, for the sake of both of you, come clean and face the situation as it really is. I believe you are an ethical man at heart - and this battle is very traumatic for you. I can see that you love your wife dearly and that you aspire to much greater things than what you are doing now. You can give that fight a much needed shot in the arm if you start with honesty and integrity with your wife. Best of luck!
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
I?ll think about it, guys.

Unfortunately I went to Reddit after a tough day at work.  Always the excuse.  Will get myself in order.

Rich
 
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malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
HumbleRich said:
I?ll think about it, guys.

Unfortunately I went to Reddit after a tough day at work.  Always the excuse.  Will get myself in order.

Rich
Click to expand...

It sounds as if you don't have a range of options you choose from when you have a "tough day at work". As an experiment, try doing something different to your first reflex when things get tough. Maybe the first thing you should do is talk to your wife about your day and how you're feeling. You may think you shouldn't burden her with your stresses and worries, but I think it's likely to be the opposite. Porn has no doubt made you more insular, and I suspect she would welcome any increase in communication and honesty. Give it a try - it might put you on a different path, both for your addiction and your relationship.
 
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PE30

Well-Known Member
Yep, I agree. My impression is that you want to be this perfect man: no caffeine, no booze, no Facebook... And actually you're just creating a vacuum. And if you've ever carried out an experiment with an old Coke bottle and a ping pong ball, you'll know that all vacuums do is suck you in.

I hope you can find something that's better than booze, better than porn. Talk to your wife, tell her how you're feeling. Even if you feel broken and vulnerable. Trust her with your vulnerability. Don't be afraid to cry. All the best.
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
At home.  About to end day 1 clean.  Over all a great day.  I learned a little bit about my addictive patterns today.  I opened the gate a bit, allowing myself to have a tiramisu latte from the convenient store.  Before I knew it I had a bag of gummies and a coke.  It is that unconscious aspect that gets us.  I don't think I did too much damage.  I caught  myself before I binged further.  A pretty good end to a week without processed sugar.  I am.determined to continue this diet during the week, allowing myself a latte or a small desert on the weekend. 

As you said, PE30, it is not about having a perfect lifestyle.  It is about balance. 

I am actually looking forward to doing a run tomorrow morning. 

Cheers to health.

Signing out,

Rich
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
PS.  Yeah, I know I am going to habe to try to replace unhealthy, unproductive reactions to stress (PMOing and binging on Youtube) to healthy ones, (meditating, if only for a minute or two, reading a book, or taking a walk).  It js all about a balamced lifestyle and health.

Thanks,

Rich
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Hello all, day 2.  And this one is tough.  I realize that I haven?t meditated yet today, and will do so after I write this.  I just feel grumpy at the moment.  My wife and I have been in a dry spell for more than a month now.  This is related to some behaviors she says I need to change, and though I understand there is a side to me that doesn?t like that answer.  That thinks I deserve sex.  A side that is very irrational and will lead me to question things.  Are my wife and I sexually compatible?  Does she not find me attractive anymore?  Did I marry the right person?

But I know that is the immature addict inside of me, the one that gets me to keep PMOing, the side that doesn?t Want to put in the effort.  I know she still finds me attractive, I know that we did have a good sex life once upon a time (and could again), and I know I married the woman I love. 

I am starting to realize, finally, that I am going to have to work to fix my marriage.  I am going to have to work hard.  It won?t Change overnight.

It has been reduced to a dysfunctional parent child like relationship.  She says she doesn?t like having to nag me to do chores, that she wants me to do more things for her without being asked, just because I want to.  And she wants to have the goofy, care free, sciemce geek that she fell in love with back.  To be honest, I have turned into a hateful, politically obsessed curmudgeon.

I have made steps to address this.  I deleted my social media accounts and no longer read about politics.  I try to avoid it when reading the news.  I no longer talk about politics. 

But I know I have to do more.  And I want to.

My wife and I talked and she said she wants to see me let go of a lot of insecurities that I don?t need.  I need to stop caring what other people think, and I know 5hat is true.  I need to just be me.

And I need to fix those other things.  Do my chores without being asked.  Look after her.

And only then, will she and ai rebuild that intimacy that we both want.

It will take a lot of work.  I need to be a man and do it.

Talking to her yesterday, my wife hinted that our lack of a sex life now is mostly due to me not supporting her in the home, but it is partly her fears that I won?t be supportive as a father.  My flaws as a husband make her question that.

At the same time she said that we can always adopt if we can?t have a baby ourselves. 

Coming back to me, I realize that PMOing is my way of self medicating.  Stopping is my way of getting myself to work for the intimacy that I want in my marriage. I have to fight for it.  My wife wants me to.

So, I have made breakfast and will do some chores today before we go out.  I will put in that work.  And i will stay healthy.

I will stop fantasizing and start working to fix my real life.

Thanks,

Rich


 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Checking in.  Unfortunately, I just PMOed.  It was after two big fights between my wife and I.  No, I haven't told her about the PMOing yet.  I don't think now is the right time.  This is my burden to bear.  The fights were about me being comtrolling and not making her feel loved.  These are things I need to focus on.  I can't do that if I am PMOing.  I need to quit. 

But I think I can quit for me, I just need to get serious.  I am sick of the sluts on Reddit, I am sick of ignoring my marriage, I am sick of my life going nowjere as I ignore everything I need to do.

I will beat this thing.  Will start fresh tomorrow.

Rich
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Changes I am going to make  this week are,
1.  I am going to meditate every morning and evening
2.  I am going to eat healthy
3.  I am going to exercise daily
4.  I am going to stay off of the internet, exceot to post here and for errands or things I habe to do.
5.  I am going to make time every day to relax with my wife.
6.  I am going to focus on repairing my relationship with her, rather than focusing on sex.

I feel that these things will get me back into making progress against this addiction.

Rich
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Checking out 1 day sober.  Meditated this morning and did a morning workout.  Had a pretty good day today. 

1 day clean ,

Rich

 
Gracie

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I will start by saying I know your position on telling your wife.  She notices that you are controlling and not making her feel loved. 

A lot of times, the need to control our space comes from hiding things.  Keeping secrets.  It can be how we feel about our selves, how we feel in general, it can be eating, it can be porn, or just family secrets.  But we become controlling so this "bad thing" isn't out.  And so it beomes bigger and bigger much harder to turn loose of. Because it has grown so much.  (Note: I said we because I learned this lesson in my life)

Second, as a wife, we know, even before D-day something is not right and we do not feel loved like we had been in the past.  Your wife described you from the past, that may be the last time she truly felt loved.  If you need a road map with a destination, she has just given you the destination.  (I thought my husband was having an affair and no longer liked me.) If you read the partner pages we all felt unloved.  A common affliction among the SOs.

Hope your recovery continues!!
 
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malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
John, I feel for your struggle, I really do. But I think your timeline is drawing you to one inevitability: you will tell your wife at some stage. The question is: when? How long do you want to torture yourself this way, with guilt, lies and fear dominating your life? I see that at this stage, you still feel you can defeat this with our revealing it, but I don't think you will feel this way for much longer. You will reach a point where you can't do it anymore. In the measures that count, your wife already knows the magnitude of this problem - all she is missing is the specifics. But getting the specifics might not be as bad as the confusion she has now. Remember this is not just about you, it's about what's good for her, and what's good for your relationship.

Again, I know you aren't ready to tell her yet, but I believe you are on that path - the only question being when, and hopefully from your mouth and not from her own discovery. Better to come from you in the first place than to have to open up about something she figured out herself. You know, she has the power to use google and figure this out? We all found our way here using google for our symptoms. Don't exclude the possibility that she's doing her own research and that she won't figure this out. At that point she might ask you directly: "are you a porn addict? you are showing all the symptoms", at that point, will you confess, or try to deny it? Or she might track your behaviour and catch you in the act. Then there can be no denial. Unless you think your wife is not intelligent, any of these scenarios can occur. That's why we advise you to confront your fear - it's to save you Rich! You're struggling so much, that is clear to see. You've got to find a way past this intolerable strain of addiction and concealment.
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Checking out on day 2, clean and sober.  Good night all.

Rich
 
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PE30

Well-Known Member
Echo what Gracie and Malando said. As difficult as it was for my wife to hear the truth about my addiction (and subsequent affair), there was a strange relief in the process. She actually thought I was gay for a while...
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Hello all,

Still here  and still clean and sober.  Planning on endomg tbe week sober and comtinuing forward.

Rich
 
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