Journal Entry:
It's really starting to sink in that this reboot thing is more of a process than it is just a switch you flip and just start doing. Some of us here can probably just decided to do it and boom, they are killing it on the streak. But for me, unless I get stuck in a cycle (which I am in now) I think its going to be a "do a little better each time" type situation. I'm definitely humbled by all of this because it isn't easy. It's been tougher this time around than it was the first time because I get depression in waves and I'm just getting over probably the most intense one yet. In the past when I was hit with a wave of depression, I'd drown my sorrows in dopamine. I'm trying to withhold myself from PMO and it's just been a nightmare. I got caught in a chaser effect cycle which I still consider myself in because it is still bothering me a lot due to depression weakening my resolve.
It also doesn't help that I'm not really in a position to be social with anybody. I've moved to my current residence and been here for about a year and change officially and there aren't really people my age around. It's either high school teens, who I avoid like the plague or old retired people. People my age are working 2-3 jobs just to survive and be adults so they have no time for anything. It's meant there are monumentally less fulfilling things I am able to do (meeting friends at a bar, partying, doing social stuff, etc.) The situation also means nearly no interaction with the opposite sex. Things are still kinda getting rebuilt because my last relationship was a long-term relationship that was abusive, so I had decided I just wanted to be alone for a bit. Problem is, that fed a porn habit and I also gained some social anxiety.
I feel like I've lost my ability to interact with people. In my late teens to early 20s I was very social especially with romantic interests. I don't mean to blow my own horn but I did okay for myself, save for a few instances of not picking up signals or capitalizing on getting a date or more when I could have. I'm just afraid that my time getting my identity manipulated and fucked up in my last relationship and my long stent of solitude and poor habits has robbed me of the positivity I used to have and my ability to connect with others like I used to. I mean we all grow as the years go by, but I feel like I changed in a regressive and detrimental way. It's hard for me to find happiness these days. Everything I'm doing regarding hobbies, plans, and goals just feels like a distraction from being unhappy rather than anything I honestly really care about. That was never the case in the past. Maybe I'm just jaded.
There is a bright side. I'll be in a situation in 3 months time where I will be able to be with people my age and be social. So there is a potential situation of things getting better. I just hope I'm not too rusty when it comes to social interaction. I suspect I am but I just hope it shakes off quickly enough. One of the main reasons I got this addiction was because I was not sexually and emotionally satisfied in that last relationship and ultimately unhappy. I turned to dopamine and porn to create something fun for me because any other time I was being chastised for something or another (I'd get yelled at for 3 hours about something or another at least 5 days out of the week). I honestly feel like if I was in a position to have meaningful interactions with potential partners whether it led to sex or not, porn would fall by the wayside. But we will see. It's easy to think something will happen but it actually happening is a different story as this reboot process has so effectively taught me.
Days PMO free: 3
