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TheGreenWizard
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Reformed Fapper said:
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TheGreenWizard
Guest
Journal Entry:
So I've been going pretty spartan in my methods and it honestly has been helping me out a lot. Haven't bothered to fuck around on the internet or anything beyond what I need to do. And even then, I try to stay as offline as possible. I do think I should work on cutting back on the MO though. While I have only done it within the confines of what I consider acceptable, I don't want to replace one addiction with another. I don't feel like it is an addiction because I'm not doing it excessively, but I just don't want it to turn into that. Plus I feel like I function better when I chill out on it or only do it once every week or two at most. If I go a little bit more than that, I'm not going to sweat it that much. This is more of a preferential life balance/better energy type goal, where porn consumption is the "absolutely must stop forever" type goal. So I guess it's been like 2 days. It doesn't really feel like it but maybe that's for the best.
Days PMO free: 2
So I've been going pretty spartan in my methods and it honestly has been helping me out a lot. Haven't bothered to fuck around on the internet or anything beyond what I need to do. And even then, I try to stay as offline as possible. I do think I should work on cutting back on the MO though. While I have only done it within the confines of what I consider acceptable, I don't want to replace one addiction with another. I don't feel like it is an addiction because I'm not doing it excessively, but I just don't want it to turn into that. Plus I feel like I function better when I chill out on it or only do it once every week or two at most. If I go a little bit more than that, I'm not going to sweat it that much. This is more of a preferential life balance/better energy type goal, where porn consumption is the "absolutely must stop forever" type goal. So I guess it's been like 2 days. It doesn't really feel like it but maybe that's for the best.
Days PMO free: 2
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TheGreenWizard
Guest
Journal Entry:
I am going to cut back on journalling here as an extension of keeping my internet usage to a minimum. I used to Journal everyday on here but I run out of things to talk about. I'm dialing it back to once a week now unless I'm triggered or feeling tested. This place is a nice place to go whenever things like that happen. It allows me to refocus productively and when the moment passes, I can log off. Unless things are just so awful that I gotta stay off the computer completely. I'm also going to just keep track of my streak on here. I'm becoming to streak focused and not effort focused. There is a difference. Being focused on the number of days doesn't help me. I'd much rather focus on how I am feeling in the moment and what I can do to about that.
Anyway, failed today. Well technically I consider it a failure because I caught myself MOing to a porn memory. Mind wandered in the moment. That's not within what I consider acceptable habits so to stay accountable, I gotta reset. But on the bright side, I wasn't looking at porn during the moment of failure. I guess that's marginally something. But I'm not going to beat myself up about this failure. It's not like I jumped on a site and went hunting. Still a failure though so I gotta watch it going forward.
I am going to cut back on journalling here as an extension of keeping my internet usage to a minimum. I used to Journal everyday on here but I run out of things to talk about. I'm dialing it back to once a week now unless I'm triggered or feeling tested. This place is a nice place to go whenever things like that happen. It allows me to refocus productively and when the moment passes, I can log off. Unless things are just so awful that I gotta stay off the computer completely. I'm also going to just keep track of my streak on here. I'm becoming to streak focused and not effort focused. There is a difference. Being focused on the number of days doesn't help me. I'd much rather focus on how I am feeling in the moment and what I can do to about that.
Anyway, failed today. Well technically I consider it a failure because I caught myself MOing to a porn memory. Mind wandered in the moment. That's not within what I consider acceptable habits so to stay accountable, I gotta reset. But on the bright side, I wasn't looking at porn during the moment of failure. I guess that's marginally something. But I'm not going to beat myself up about this failure. It's not like I jumped on a site and went hunting. Still a failure though so I gotta watch it going forward.
T
TheGreenWizard
Guest
Journal Entry:
I'm back. I took some time away from the site because I was just busy but also because I needed some time to myself to really consider if I have an addiction, if it is just because I'm not really in a position to be social and meet someone, or if I was just in denial. It left me with just as many more questions as answers but it also helped me understand my situation better as well as a budding toxic relationship with this site.
I realize that I don't specifically need porn itself to satisfy my libido per se. There isn't a dependence on PMO because when I have sex it is monumentally more satisfying to me, always has been, and continues to be. When in a sexually healthy and active relationship, porn always becomes a non-issue and I specifically just want sex. I do not nor have ever used sex as a way to reenact the porn I see, nor do I need to think about porn to get aroused or reach orgasm during sex. I also do not have PIED. Everything is functional. But I do still consider I have an addiction to the stuff. It's because I've indulged in PMO to satisfy my libido that it has just become something habitual now. That is the source and depth of my addiction. Porn is not so much of a control over my sex life as it is something I've done often enough that when I want to MO (and I have a very very active libido so that is often) that it is just now associated with MO. I'm even able to MO successfully without porn, thinking of porn, or even having any fantasy or image. This isn't news either to me or anybody on this site as that is how it goes for some of us here. But during my time reflecting, it solidified some of the view points here for me as something that isn't just a load of shit on the internet. But issues also began to develop with this place.
I understand the intent of this site is to help people that have a porn addiction. One of the main reasons I took a break is because this site also does a good job of filling one's head with doubts. I see people on here that need to get on the forums and ask other people here if they fucked up their streak or not. It's like they have no way of reaching those conclusions themselves. So many people ask if what they did was wrong or if they have this problem or that and it all stems from the info on the knowledge base and the community. For many people, myself included, waking up from the funk of porn addiction makes it difficult to make heads or tails of what is natural and what isn't. I get that but some members even have the audacity to be the ones that define it for everybody else here. This place started to get in my head and convinced me that porn addiction meant I had problems I didn't actually have, which actually started to created them in my naivety. I mean I've seen some people on here that consider sexual fantasies as the same as using porn when it really isn't if porn isn't involved. This was a positive place but I became disillusioned and had to reflect and define my situation better. It doesn't help me to uproot behaviors and issues that didn't really exist for me. I suspect I'm not the only one either. When you look for help, it is easy to go off the deep end and assume wisdom in words that may not actually apply to you. I was doing that so I took some time to myself. I now feel like I can use this place in a more productive and level-headed way.
I'm back. I took some time away from the site because I was just busy but also because I needed some time to myself to really consider if I have an addiction, if it is just because I'm not really in a position to be social and meet someone, or if I was just in denial. It left me with just as many more questions as answers but it also helped me understand my situation better as well as a budding toxic relationship with this site.
I realize that I don't specifically need porn itself to satisfy my libido per se. There isn't a dependence on PMO because when I have sex it is monumentally more satisfying to me, always has been, and continues to be. When in a sexually healthy and active relationship, porn always becomes a non-issue and I specifically just want sex. I do not nor have ever used sex as a way to reenact the porn I see, nor do I need to think about porn to get aroused or reach orgasm during sex. I also do not have PIED. Everything is functional. But I do still consider I have an addiction to the stuff. It's because I've indulged in PMO to satisfy my libido that it has just become something habitual now. That is the source and depth of my addiction. Porn is not so much of a control over my sex life as it is something I've done often enough that when I want to MO (and I have a very very active libido so that is often) that it is just now associated with MO. I'm even able to MO successfully without porn, thinking of porn, or even having any fantasy or image. This isn't news either to me or anybody on this site as that is how it goes for some of us here. But during my time reflecting, it solidified some of the view points here for me as something that isn't just a load of shit on the internet. But issues also began to develop with this place.
I understand the intent of this site is to help people that have a porn addiction. One of the main reasons I took a break is because this site also does a good job of filling one's head with doubts. I see people on here that need to get on the forums and ask other people here if they fucked up their streak or not. It's like they have no way of reaching those conclusions themselves. So many people ask if what they did was wrong or if they have this problem or that and it all stems from the info on the knowledge base and the community. For many people, myself included, waking up from the funk of porn addiction makes it difficult to make heads or tails of what is natural and what isn't. I get that but some members even have the audacity to be the ones that define it for everybody else here. This place started to get in my head and convinced me that porn addiction meant I had problems I didn't actually have, which actually started to created them in my naivety. I mean I've seen some people on here that consider sexual fantasies as the same as using porn when it really isn't if porn isn't involved. This was a positive place but I became disillusioned and had to reflect and define my situation better. It doesn't help me to uproot behaviors and issues that didn't really exist for me. I suspect I'm not the only one either. When you look for help, it is easy to go off the deep end and assume wisdom in words that may not actually apply to you. I was doing that so I took some time to myself. I now feel like I can use this place in a more productive and level-headed way.
T
TheGreenWizard
Guest
Journal Entry:
So I'm 4 days free of PMO. I reframed the situation in my head the night of my last relapse and it seems to really be working thus far. Not only have I had no real insurmountable urge to PMO, I've also noticed a much better mental outlook. I got this from reading about the EasyPeasy method on this site and tweaked it a bit to suit my situation. What I did is change the way I viewed my situation. Before I felt like it was a problem I had and that I needed to use willpower to fight this problem every step of the way until one day I guess I would be cured. It made it feel like there was this huge mountain I needed to climb. I'd get a little ways up and then slide back down because of a relapse. I labeled myself as an addict with a problem and that hung this black cloud over my head that I was always thinking about. Because I was always thinking about it, it created a vicious cycle that would keep me in the midst of the addiction.
Instead what I chose to do is consider myself cured of the problem the moment I decided to stop. Like suggested by the EP method, I look at that as a source of happiness because what once ruled my life is now a non-issue. I differentiate myself from who I was when I had the problem. Who I am now is not the addict I was. Sometimes I'll even go so far as to view it as two different people. Any time my mind does wander to PMO thoughts I just remind myself that that isn't an issue I have anymore. Because I am cured, it is not something I feel like I need to do. I'm currently going through the expected withdrawal period and I expect it to last about a few weeks. But so far any time I want to PMO I remind myself that because I am cured of this problem, it really has no benefit for me. It won't make me happy, nothing will change if I do it, and there are better ways to spend my time. I just remind myself of how sad things were for TGW who was stuck in the cycle. Then I think about how free I am and let myself be happy about it. Now it feels like I've already scaled the mountain and I have no real reason to slide back down.
I'm only a few days into this new method but there are a lot of positive things I've been experiencing that I didn't when I was just trying to survive on content blockers and willpower alone. It no longer feels like the issue has any power over me anymore. It's more like abstaining from eating candy or drinking soda to me now. I know it will feel good, but I'll feel better if I did something healthier. Before when I was relying on willpower alone I was constantly thinking "resist, resist, resist" whenever the urges came around. Now I just reframe it and remind myself that the freedom I've gained from the addiction is worth so much more me and that it is giving me intrinsic happiness that lasts, which I legitimately feel to be true based on my new mental state. Instead, take my libido and let it get wrapped up in meaningful romantic connections with others as it should be.
I am still in the experimental stage of this method but it no longer feels like a struggle like it used to. Even if I stumble upon a trigger, thing actually don't seem to spiral out of control like they used it. I'm beyond the 3 day mark which is when the withdrawals pangs start coming back in force so the method's true test has now begun but morale is high and the outlook feels a lot more positive for my situation now.
Days PMO free: 4
So I'm 4 days free of PMO. I reframed the situation in my head the night of my last relapse and it seems to really be working thus far. Not only have I had no real insurmountable urge to PMO, I've also noticed a much better mental outlook. I got this from reading about the EasyPeasy method on this site and tweaked it a bit to suit my situation. What I did is change the way I viewed my situation. Before I felt like it was a problem I had and that I needed to use willpower to fight this problem every step of the way until one day I guess I would be cured. It made it feel like there was this huge mountain I needed to climb. I'd get a little ways up and then slide back down because of a relapse. I labeled myself as an addict with a problem and that hung this black cloud over my head that I was always thinking about. Because I was always thinking about it, it created a vicious cycle that would keep me in the midst of the addiction.
Instead what I chose to do is consider myself cured of the problem the moment I decided to stop. Like suggested by the EP method, I look at that as a source of happiness because what once ruled my life is now a non-issue. I differentiate myself from who I was when I had the problem. Who I am now is not the addict I was. Sometimes I'll even go so far as to view it as two different people. Any time my mind does wander to PMO thoughts I just remind myself that that isn't an issue I have anymore. Because I am cured, it is not something I feel like I need to do. I'm currently going through the expected withdrawal period and I expect it to last about a few weeks. But so far any time I want to PMO I remind myself that because I am cured of this problem, it really has no benefit for me. It won't make me happy, nothing will change if I do it, and there are better ways to spend my time. I just remind myself of how sad things were for TGW who was stuck in the cycle. Then I think about how free I am and let myself be happy about it. Now it feels like I've already scaled the mountain and I have no real reason to slide back down.
I'm only a few days into this new method but there are a lot of positive things I've been experiencing that I didn't when I was just trying to survive on content blockers and willpower alone. It no longer feels like the issue has any power over me anymore. It's more like abstaining from eating candy or drinking soda to me now. I know it will feel good, but I'll feel better if I did something healthier. Before when I was relying on willpower alone I was constantly thinking "resist, resist, resist" whenever the urges came around. Now I just reframe it and remind myself that the freedom I've gained from the addiction is worth so much more me and that it is giving me intrinsic happiness that lasts, which I legitimately feel to be true based on my new mental state. Instead, take my libido and let it get wrapped up in meaningful romantic connections with others as it should be.
I am still in the experimental stage of this method but it no longer feels like a struggle like it used to. Even if I stumble upon a trigger, thing actually don't seem to spiral out of control like they used it. I'm beyond the 3 day mark which is when the withdrawals pangs start coming back in force so the method's true test has now begun but morale is high and the outlook feels a lot more positive for my situation now.
Days PMO free: 4
T
TheGreenWizard
Guest
Journal Entry:
Things are a little rough today. I am on day 5 since my last relapse. I'm trying so hard this time to go the distance. I'm really trying to be done with this issue. I'm so close to the first week down. It's these first 3 weeks that are the worst to get through, week 1 being the most difficult. I'm really hanging in there though. I've lost a couple times to the "just a peek" rationalization but I didn't fail. It's the reason I'm on here right now. I'm trying to get my mind off of it and reaffirm what needs to happen to get past this. I'm also doing NoFap too.
The first 2 days are always easy for me. That's when the dopamine army is amassing its forces. Day 3 is always when the first attack comes. That first wave is alway fierce. I lost to peeking but I got out of there before I failed. Yesterday was really good. There was no desire to MO and I didn't peek once. Today the dopamine army marches again but I'm hanging in there. I just need to make it two more days. That's when things start to taper off. My record is just shy of 13 days and that time I made a rookie mistake by trying to test myself and PMO'd. That was a huge mistake, one I don't want to repeat.
This shits like Helms Deep on Lord of the Rings. I just keep trying to remember that I don't need this. I'm trying to remind myself that if I PMO I'll be anxious, depressed, and feel ashamed for my lack of strength. It's helping. It also helps if I keep trying to reframe it in my head that I've already cured myself by making the decision to break the cycle. It makes it feel like a problem I've already beaten and all I need to do is just prevent backsliding. It makes things seem easier and more positive. I just gotta beat this withdrawal period.
Things are a little rough today. I am on day 5 since my last relapse. I'm trying so hard this time to go the distance. I'm really trying to be done with this issue. I'm so close to the first week down. It's these first 3 weeks that are the worst to get through, week 1 being the most difficult. I'm really hanging in there though. I've lost a couple times to the "just a peek" rationalization but I didn't fail. It's the reason I'm on here right now. I'm trying to get my mind off of it and reaffirm what needs to happen to get past this. I'm also doing NoFap too.
The first 2 days are always easy for me. That's when the dopamine army is amassing its forces. Day 3 is always when the first attack comes. That first wave is alway fierce. I lost to peeking but I got out of there before I failed. Yesterday was really good. There was no desire to MO and I didn't peek once. Today the dopamine army marches again but I'm hanging in there. I just need to make it two more days. That's when things start to taper off. My record is just shy of 13 days and that time I made a rookie mistake by trying to test myself and PMO'd. That was a huge mistake, one I don't want to repeat.
This shits like Helms Deep on Lord of the Rings. I just keep trying to remember that I don't need this. I'm trying to remind myself that if I PMO I'll be anxious, depressed, and feel ashamed for my lack of strength. It's helping. It also helps if I keep trying to reframe it in my head that I've already cured myself by making the decision to break the cycle. It makes it feel like a problem I've already beaten and all I need to do is just prevent backsliding. It makes things seem easier and more positive. I just gotta beat this withdrawal period.
T
TheGreenWizard
Guest
Journal Entry:
So I relapsed today. I succumbed to the slippery slope of triggers this time around. So back on the horse again. I made it an entire week this time around which until now I've had a really tough time doing. I haven't beat my record of 13 days yet but I recognized the weak point that got me this time around. All I guess I can do is correct and try again. This instance of being triggered was due to a meme/comedy site. I usually hop on there for laughs when I'm bored but occasionally I'll come across an image that triggers me. Thing is, the site has been stagnating for me and isn't as entertaining as it used to be. I've been contemplating leaving it for a while now so I think I'm just going to take this triggering as a sign and stop like I've considered. One less unimportant place that can trigger me on my radar. I've been spending too much time glued to my phone anyway.
I'm a little disappointed but at least I can see where I fucked up and know exactly how I can fix it. It would have been great if momentum continued but that's all on me and I take responsibility and accountability for that. However, not all progress is measured in the number of days clean. If I look at my earlier journal entries it was difficult for me just to get pasted 2-3 days. Now I'm hitting the week mark with nofap too and things haven't really been as tough as before. I have to chalk that up to my mental outlook on the issue. I've said it before and I'll say it again, by reframing the issue in my mind I've noticed much more of a difference in how I can handle the urges. Before now, I felt almost powerless to the addiction. Now I at least feel like I'm slowly but surely regaining control of myself. It's not perfect and I still have a long way to go before I would consider myself cured but this isn't quite like flipping a switch. It's a habit and habits take time and persistence to break. But I'm not going to give up. If it takes me 5, 50, or 500 relapses before I am cured then so be it. It's worth it trying to be free.
So I relapsed today. I succumbed to the slippery slope of triggers this time around. So back on the horse again. I made it an entire week this time around which until now I've had a really tough time doing. I haven't beat my record of 13 days yet but I recognized the weak point that got me this time around. All I guess I can do is correct and try again. This instance of being triggered was due to a meme/comedy site. I usually hop on there for laughs when I'm bored but occasionally I'll come across an image that triggers me. Thing is, the site has been stagnating for me and isn't as entertaining as it used to be. I've been contemplating leaving it for a while now so I think I'm just going to take this triggering as a sign and stop like I've considered. One less unimportant place that can trigger me on my radar. I've been spending too much time glued to my phone anyway.
I'm a little disappointed but at least I can see where I fucked up and know exactly how I can fix it. It would have been great if momentum continued but that's all on me and I take responsibility and accountability for that. However, not all progress is measured in the number of days clean. If I look at my earlier journal entries it was difficult for me just to get pasted 2-3 days. Now I'm hitting the week mark with nofap too and things haven't really been as tough as before. I have to chalk that up to my mental outlook on the issue. I've said it before and I'll say it again, by reframing the issue in my mind I've noticed much more of a difference in how I can handle the urges. Before now, I felt almost powerless to the addiction. Now I at least feel like I'm slowly but surely regaining control of myself. It's not perfect and I still have a long way to go before I would consider myself cured but this isn't quite like flipping a switch. It's a habit and habits take time and persistence to break. But I'm not going to give up. If it takes me 5, 50, or 500 relapses before I am cured then so be it. It's worth it trying to be free.
C
changemylife
Guest
As long as you have a plan and know what to do, relapses may come but, if you learn from them and come up stronger, then it's worth it. Anytime you relapse, think about why and find a plan for how to avoid that. Spending too much time on Internet can be detrimental. We need to stay away from virtual world and start doing things in real world. if we are bored, we must find something normal to do, not wasting time on phones/computers. I'm trying to resume Internet use to what's helpful for me, without wasting hours doing nothing, learning nothing, just wasted time.
it's a tightrope journey where we might fall any moment but we have to built a safety net underneath it and get up again and continue the journey. We must create healthy habits. What normal people do in their lives? That's what we should do as well, not waste our time with artificial stimulation, thinking it "satisfies" us. There is no satisfaction in porn.
it's a tightrope journey where we might fall any moment but we have to built a safety net underneath it and get up again and continue the journey. We must create healthy habits. What normal people do in their lives? That's what we should do as well, not waste our time with artificial stimulation, thinking it "satisfies" us. There is no satisfaction in porn.
T
TheGreenWizard
Guest
changemylife said:As long as you have a plan and know what to do, relapses may come but, if you learn from them and come up stronger, then it's worth it. Anytime you relapse, think about why and find a plan for how to avoid that. Spending too much time on Internet can be detrimental. We need to stay away from virtual world and start doing things in real world. if we are bored, we must find something normal to do, not wasting time on phones/computers. I'm trying to resume Internet use to what's helpful for me, without wasting hours doing nothing, learning nothing, just wasted time.
it's a tightrope journey where we might fall any moment but we have to built a safety net underneath it and get up again and continue the journey. We must create healthy habits. What normal people do in their lives? That's what we should do as well, not waste our time with artificial stimulation, thinking it "satisfies" us. There is no satisfaction in porn.
Yeah. Too many people on here seem to think that the streak is the point. I see a lot of people here go to pieces and flagellate themselves when they relapse because they broke their streak. I don't think that is what it is all about and in my opinion, those that do are kind of missing the point of rebooting. At its core, rebooting is about learning and self-improvement. The purpose is to stop the addiction from controlling our lives and building a healthy lifestyle and getting back to a more organic state of mind rather than one that depends on the artificial. It isn't about the number of days since last PMO, it's about how much or how little porn influences your life. So what if a relapse happens from time to time? They should be avoided but there is purpose in relapses. They are things that can help us learn more about our situations and be better next time.
I'm also trying to do much of the same. The internet on my computers are actually not a main source of exposure. It's the cellphone. So I'm trying to keep the phone off my person unless I need to contact someone or go somewhere. My other biggest issue, which actually will resolve come next month, was my lack of social situations. I'm isolated from people my age for the most part and I have wifi. You know what they say about idle hands. I haven't been in a situation where I could meet new people and go out. I'm very confident that once the new year rolls around I will be able to not only spend more enriching time away from technology but also potentially be able to meet new partners. That'll give this aimless libido of mine a meaningful purpose.
C
changemylife
Guest
Yes, I agree with this. People just want to go days without relapsing but they don't have any plan and don't do anything necessary for changing their lives and making the addiction not be that important in their life. There was a user somewhere on a forum, I don't remember exactly, who said the same thing and it made a tone of sense. I said, "You know, this is exactly what's all about and I'm not doing it right." Because I too just fought to achieve a number of days without relapsing but at the same time I was doing nothing helpful for my fight with the addiction, like finding habits instead of doing nothing and using internet all day, stop using PMO as a form of self-medication, like heroin or something like that, you know what I'm saying? I realized I had to change my life 360 because my lifestyle fueled this addiction big time. I think now I'm doing it right, at least I have the right mindset.
T
TheGreenWizard
Guest
changemylife said:Yes, I agree with this. People just want to go days without relapsing but they don't have any plan and don't do anything necessary for changing their lives and making the addiction not be that important in their life. There was a user somewhere on a forum, I don't remember exactly, who said the same thing and it made a tone of sense. I said, "You know, this is exactly what's all about and I'm not doing it right." Because I too just fought to achieve a number of days without relapsing but at the same time I was doing nothing helpful for my fight with the addiction, like finding habits instead of doing nothing and using internet all day, stop using PMO as a form of self-medication, like heroin or something like that, you know what I'm saying? I realized I had to change my life 360 because my lifestyle fueled this addiction big time. I think now I'm doing it right, at least I have the right mindset.
Yeah. I know exactly what you are talking about. I'm in the process of doing the same stuff. Like you said, it's not about the streak. A lifestyle change needs to happen for a reboot to really be effective.
T
TheGreenWizard
Guest
Journal Entry:
So I haven't really been keeping track up apparently it's been 10 days since my last PMO. This progress is great but it is also bitter sweet. My main goal is to avoid PMO which I have done. But I have two main issues I need to get better at managing.
I still have a lot of trouble with the "just one peek" rationalization. I have looked at P a few times within these past 10 days and started to M on some of those occasions. I've gotten out of there before I failed. I am getting better at resisting the siren call but it's still a problem for me. Removing myself even when I succumb to peeking is something to be proud of but I really need to make it a priority to eliminate that behavior too. This includes avoiding triggers which I've also been entertaining more than I should. But I can't lose sight of the progress I've made since I've started. The old TGW would have PMO'd without a second thought as soon as "just one peek" popped into my head. Now its common practice for me to tell myself that I should get out of there before I fail and I remind myself of all the negative feelings I know I'm going to feel if I do PMO. But I definitely need to prioritize eliminating the habit to peek.
The second issue is that I have MO'd fairly often during these 10 days. It has always been in the confines of what I've consider acceptable on most occasions. There have been instances where when I peeked and started to M, I got riled up that I switched to acceptable MO. These instances are not okay to me as that is pretty much the rationalization of starting with P and finishing without. That issue is intertwined with peaking and as I fix that problem this one will be fixed as well. Moreover, even though I am indulging in what I consider acceptable, too much of an okay thing can be a bad thing. While I'm not going to sweat having a wank from time to time, I should really cut back. Last thing I want is to replace one addiction with another one. I want to tighten up the bolts on that.
Despite these issues, I do need to give myself positive assurance that I am making progress. While there are things I need to work on, any time I've started to see things start to spiral out of control I've willingly talked myself out of it and stopped myself. That is a pretty big deal to me. I've had a mental shift that I think is incredibly important on this journey. I now legitimately feel like all the anxiety, shame, and depression I know I am going to feel if I PMO just isn't worth such a cheap thrill. I consider that a major break through.
So I haven't really been keeping track up apparently it's been 10 days since my last PMO. This progress is great but it is also bitter sweet. My main goal is to avoid PMO which I have done. But I have two main issues I need to get better at managing.
I still have a lot of trouble with the "just one peek" rationalization. I have looked at P a few times within these past 10 days and started to M on some of those occasions. I've gotten out of there before I failed. I am getting better at resisting the siren call but it's still a problem for me. Removing myself even when I succumb to peeking is something to be proud of but I really need to make it a priority to eliminate that behavior too. This includes avoiding triggers which I've also been entertaining more than I should. But I can't lose sight of the progress I've made since I've started. The old TGW would have PMO'd without a second thought as soon as "just one peek" popped into my head. Now its common practice for me to tell myself that I should get out of there before I fail and I remind myself of all the negative feelings I know I'm going to feel if I do PMO. But I definitely need to prioritize eliminating the habit to peek.
The second issue is that I have MO'd fairly often during these 10 days. It has always been in the confines of what I've consider acceptable on most occasions. There have been instances where when I peeked and started to M, I got riled up that I switched to acceptable MO. These instances are not okay to me as that is pretty much the rationalization of starting with P and finishing without. That issue is intertwined with peaking and as I fix that problem this one will be fixed as well. Moreover, even though I am indulging in what I consider acceptable, too much of an okay thing can be a bad thing. While I'm not going to sweat having a wank from time to time, I should really cut back. Last thing I want is to replace one addiction with another one. I want to tighten up the bolts on that.
Despite these issues, I do need to give myself positive assurance that I am making progress. While there are things I need to work on, any time I've started to see things start to spiral out of control I've willingly talked myself out of it and stopped myself. That is a pretty big deal to me. I've had a mental shift that I think is incredibly important on this journey. I now legitimately feel like all the anxiety, shame, and depression I know I am going to feel if I PMO just isn't worth such a cheap thrill. I consider that a major break through.
T
TheGreenWizard
Guest
Journal Entry:
I'm still working on tightening up the bolts. Things are still okay but I peeked a couple times. However, I did resist a few other instances. I'm also thinking I should probably resist the urge to MO despite my opinions on it. I don't believe it is a detriment under certain circumstances. But the chaser effect is such a pain in the butt to deal with. I'm going to think on it but not fapping can only really help me avoid that unpleasant aspect of this issue. I'm going to push towards not fapping except on rare occasions start immediately.
I've also stopped using PMO or MO as a self-medicating habit when I get stressed or depressed. That's another small victory in this war against addiction. The other day I was stressed out because I had to dig up old info for something that was difficult to find. The old TGW would have ran to PMO to take the edge off and procrastinated. Instead I just grit my teeth, raged, got it done, and went about my business. Things are slowly starting to come together and get better. I'm going to really push to keep that motivation going and double my efforts in fixing the current issues I'm dealing with.
I'm still working on tightening up the bolts. Things are still okay but I peeked a couple times. However, I did resist a few other instances. I'm also thinking I should probably resist the urge to MO despite my opinions on it. I don't believe it is a detriment under certain circumstances. But the chaser effect is such a pain in the butt to deal with. I'm going to think on it but not fapping can only really help me avoid that unpleasant aspect of this issue. I'm going to push towards not fapping except on rare occasions start immediately.
I've also stopped using PMO or MO as a self-medicating habit when I get stressed or depressed. That's another small victory in this war against addiction. The other day I was stressed out because I had to dig up old info for something that was difficult to find. The old TGW would have ran to PMO to take the edge off and procrastinated. Instead I just grit my teeth, raged, got it done, and went about my business. Things are slowly starting to come together and get better. I'm going to really push to keep that motivation going and double my efforts in fixing the current issues I'm dealing with.
C
changemylife
Guest
TheGreenWizard said:I've also stopped using PMO or MO as a self-medicating habit when I get stressed or depressed. That's another small victory in this war against addiction. The other day I was stressed out because I had to dig up old info for something that was difficult to find. The old TGW would have ran to PMO to take the edge off and procrastinated. Instead I just grit my teeth, raged, got it done, and went about my business. Things are slowly starting to come together and get better. I'm going to really push to keep that motivation going and double my efforts in fixing the current issues I'm dealing with.
This is outstanding progress, actually. Many of us use PMO as self-medication. Not using it anymore for this definitely feels great. Give yourself a pat on the back like: "Doesn't it feel good to deal with my life like a normal human being instead of self-medicating?" I tell myself this when I go through something hard without using alcohol or PMO. It makes me feel alive.
T
TheGreenWizard
Guest
changemylife said:TheGreenWizard said:I've also stopped using PMO or MO as a self-medicating habit when I get stressed or depressed. That's another small victory in this war against addiction. The other day I was stressed out because I had to dig up old info for something that was difficult to find. The old TGW would have ran to PMO to take the edge off and procrastinated. Instead I just grit my teeth, raged, got it done, and went about my business. Things are slowly starting to come together and get better. I'm going to really push to keep that motivation going and double my efforts in fixing the current issues I'm dealing with.
This is outstanding progress, actually. Many of us use PMO as self-medication. Not using it anymore for this definitely feels great. Give yourself a pat on the back like: "Doesn't it feel good to deal with my life like a normal human being instead of self-medicating?" I tell myself this when I go through something hard without using alcohol or PMO. It makes me feel alive.
Yeah. It does feel much better than just running to the computer for PMO because it's more productive. Usually if I did that I would just procrastinate too and go on a PMO binder until I was all drained. While dealing with problems is annoying, I feel better about myself when I don't resort to PMO whenever I feel annoyed.
C
changemylife
Guest
TheGreenWizard said:changemylife said:TheGreenWizard said:I've also stopped using PMO or MO as a self-medicating habit when I get stressed or depressed. That's another small victory in this war against addiction. The other day I was stressed out because I had to dig up old info for something that was difficult to find. The old TGW would have ran to PMO to take the edge off and procrastinated. Instead I just grit my teeth, raged, got it done, and went about my business. Things are slowly starting to come together and get better. I'm going to really push to keep that motivation going and double my efforts in fixing the current issues I'm dealing with.
This is outstanding progress, actually. Many of us use PMO as self-medication. Not using it anymore for this definitely feels great. Give yourself a pat on the back like: "Doesn't it feel good to deal with my life like a normal human being instead of self-medicating?" I tell myself this when I go through something hard without using alcohol or PMO. It makes me feel alive.
Yeah. It does feel much better than just running to the computer for PMO because it's more productive. Usually if I did that I would just procrastinate too and go on a PMO binder until I was all drained. While dealing with problems is annoying, I feel better about myself when I don't resort to PMO whenever I feel annoyed.
The problems still need to be solved. You run in front of the computer and binge on PMO but you still need to deal with your problems which you can't do it well anymore after draining yourself, physically and mentally with PMO. You motivation, mood, energy... all go out the window.
T
TheGreenWizard
Guest
changemylife said:The problems still need to be solved. You run in front of the computer and binge on PMO but you still need to deal with your problems which you can't do it well anymore after draining yourself, physically and mentally with PMO. You motivation, mood, energy... all go out the window.
Exactly. That results is more procrastination. Then I gotta work twice as hard because issues get more difficult to handle the more time they are present. I'm trying to self-medicate on accomplishment now rather than PMO. I'd like to redirect that deep craving for PMO released dopamine to accomplishment released dopamine. Imagine what I could accomplish if I pushed to meet my goals with the same habitual draw I have to PMO.
T
TheGreenWizard
Guest
Journal Entry:
So yesterday was a good day. I didn't peek once nor did I MO. The cravings actually left me alone. I hope that is a taste of what is in store for being free of this habit. I found it pretty liberating and relaxing and I'm hoping to repeat the same situation today. I'm feeling a little more challenged today though. As expected, my body wants that hit of dopamine because I haven't PMO'd or MO'd in about 48 hours. I'm actually on here because I was tempted not too long ago and started to mess around a little bit. But I quit shortly after starting and went about my business. Figured I'd hop on here and write an entry to get my mind off the withdrawal pangs and reaffirm my goals. I'm doing well with keep control of myself though. I had the inclination to peek and I just didn't so that is good too. I'm looking to keep that up today. But usually the first 2 days of no dopamine at all are okay to deal with. The forces of darkness start their siege of Helm's Deep on day three.
So yesterday was a good day. I didn't peek once nor did I MO. The cravings actually left me alone. I hope that is a taste of what is in store for being free of this habit. I found it pretty liberating and relaxing and I'm hoping to repeat the same situation today. I'm feeling a little more challenged today though. As expected, my body wants that hit of dopamine because I haven't PMO'd or MO'd in about 48 hours. I'm actually on here because I was tempted not too long ago and started to mess around a little bit. But I quit shortly after starting and went about my business. Figured I'd hop on here and write an entry to get my mind off the withdrawal pangs and reaffirm my goals. I'm doing well with keep control of myself though. I had the inclination to peek and I just didn't so that is good too. I'm looking to keep that up today. But usually the first 2 days of no dopamine at all are okay to deal with. The forces of darkness start their siege of Helm's Deep on day three.
T
TheGreenWizard
Guest
Journal Entry:
Yesterday got a little rough. I ended up getting triggered by something which led me to peek and that got me riled up. I got away from it but later the urge came back and I MO'd to a real memory of mine. Again, not a 100% failure in my eyes but also not a very good day as I didn't do well on either of my goals. Still haven't PMO'd but it is a rationalization to use regular MO as a way to satisfy that craving when triggered. If I was just recounting the memory and that got me excited, that is one thing, but it was triggers' fault and the subsequent lack of resistance on my part.
These days I'm fighting through this grey area where I have great self control regarding no PMO and when I find myself in the situation, I come to my senses and get away. But these rationalizations are trying to get that dopamine shot anyway it can it seems. I don't know if this is part of the uprooting process for rebooting. I'd like to think it is, at least for my particular situation. The landscape of the issue definitely has changed though. To recount it has gone from PMO 3-5 times a day (usually multiple hours each time), admitting to myself that I have a problem, trying to build a streak but generally failing after 3 days, reframing the problem in my mind as not about the streak but about being a better me, and now PMO self control with struggles regarding being trigger resistance and a little too much MO.
After writing that, I do think I have come a long way since I've started on this journey. I used to be asleep in the addiction, PMOing multiple times a day with no desire to quit and honestly no awareness of there even being a problem eating away at me. It was only until I became acutely aware of escalation and desensitization as well as the already established escalation and desensitization in others (essentially I saw more and more people share fucked up shit that really bothered me) that I got a wake up call. I was afraid of that path and the potential places it could lead someone. I still am. All the more reason to quit while I'm ahead and change before things progress beyond just wasting a lot of time and being constantly drained. And now here I am. I haven't legitimately PMO'd in around 2 weeks and now just wrestle with the lesser threats of triggers, MOing a little too much, and letting triggers drive me to MO. Of course there is still work to be done with those lesser threats but I think I've made substantial process.
Yesterday got a little rough. I ended up getting triggered by something which led me to peek and that got me riled up. I got away from it but later the urge came back and I MO'd to a real memory of mine. Again, not a 100% failure in my eyes but also not a very good day as I didn't do well on either of my goals. Still haven't PMO'd but it is a rationalization to use regular MO as a way to satisfy that craving when triggered. If I was just recounting the memory and that got me excited, that is one thing, but it was triggers' fault and the subsequent lack of resistance on my part.
These days I'm fighting through this grey area where I have great self control regarding no PMO and when I find myself in the situation, I come to my senses and get away. But these rationalizations are trying to get that dopamine shot anyway it can it seems. I don't know if this is part of the uprooting process for rebooting. I'd like to think it is, at least for my particular situation. The landscape of the issue definitely has changed though. To recount it has gone from PMO 3-5 times a day (usually multiple hours each time), admitting to myself that I have a problem, trying to build a streak but generally failing after 3 days, reframing the problem in my mind as not about the streak but about being a better me, and now PMO self control with struggles regarding being trigger resistance and a little too much MO.
After writing that, I do think I have come a long way since I've started on this journey. I used to be asleep in the addiction, PMOing multiple times a day with no desire to quit and honestly no awareness of there even being a problem eating away at me. It was only until I became acutely aware of escalation and desensitization as well as the already established escalation and desensitization in others (essentially I saw more and more people share fucked up shit that really bothered me) that I got a wake up call. I was afraid of that path and the potential places it could lead someone. I still am. All the more reason to quit while I'm ahead and change before things progress beyond just wasting a lot of time and being constantly drained. And now here I am. I haven't legitimately PMO'd in around 2 weeks and now just wrestle with the lesser threats of triggers, MOing a little too much, and letting triggers drive me to MO. Of course there is still work to be done with those lesser threats but I think I've made substantial process.
T
TheGreenWizard
Guest
Journal Entry:
It has been a long time since I was on here last. Things got very busy. I'm in a better place than I was before but the problem still persists. I'm on here because I relapsed and it has been this way for a while. I got to start again and I think this time around I can do it because I got more tools than I used to. I could go on and on about how bad this makes me feel but I think I'm beyond that. I view it more as an annoyance that I just can't shake than something that causes major emotional turmoil like it did in the past. I still think it is very serious and I want to kill it, but I think it is good that I'm not feeling a sense of doom about it anymore. That could have to do with some other things going on. So I want to talk about those because they are a positive change.
I've started going to counseling. Not so much specific to PA but just in general because there was a lot of baggage that was driving me crazy. I'm going to a general group counseling for social baggage. I'm also going to a men's only group counseling that I hope will help me work through the issues that caused me to look at porn (emotionally abusive girlfriend). Moreover, I am starting individual counseling this friday which I hope will be the scalpel that really gets to the center of the addiction. I'm also in a better place. I'm around people my age and around women that I can talk to. I'm working a part time job, and building a business. I've also taken up CrossFit and martial arts to get back into shape. There is a lot of time being eaten up in the days now which is much better than before. However the addiction still finds time to whisper in my ear.
I'm hoping this is the beginning of the end for it though. I can see the change of lifestyle having a positive effect. I no longer PMO 3-5 times a day. It's dropped back to 1-2 because I've been keeping myself busy. Still, once a day is too much because P is always involved. I'm slowly but surely chipping the rust off my social skills and I think I am starting to make friends again, though I haven't really hung out with many in my free time. But I do feel happier and I haven't really had much in the way of anxiety issues like I did before. That's all I have time to talk about for now so onward and upwards I guess.
It has been a long time since I was on here last. Things got very busy. I'm in a better place than I was before but the problem still persists. I'm on here because I relapsed and it has been this way for a while. I got to start again and I think this time around I can do it because I got more tools than I used to. I could go on and on about how bad this makes me feel but I think I'm beyond that. I view it more as an annoyance that I just can't shake than something that causes major emotional turmoil like it did in the past. I still think it is very serious and I want to kill it, but I think it is good that I'm not feeling a sense of doom about it anymore. That could have to do with some other things going on. So I want to talk about those because they are a positive change.
I've started going to counseling. Not so much specific to PA but just in general because there was a lot of baggage that was driving me crazy. I'm going to a general group counseling for social baggage. I'm also going to a men's only group counseling that I hope will help me work through the issues that caused me to look at porn (emotionally abusive girlfriend). Moreover, I am starting individual counseling this friday which I hope will be the scalpel that really gets to the center of the addiction. I'm also in a better place. I'm around people my age and around women that I can talk to. I'm working a part time job, and building a business. I've also taken up CrossFit and martial arts to get back into shape. There is a lot of time being eaten up in the days now which is much better than before. However the addiction still finds time to whisper in my ear.
I'm hoping this is the beginning of the end for it though. I can see the change of lifestyle having a positive effect. I no longer PMO 3-5 times a day. It's dropped back to 1-2 because I've been keeping myself busy. Still, once a day is too much because P is always involved. I'm slowly but surely chipping the rust off my social skills and I think I am starting to make friends again, though I haven't really hung out with many in my free time. But I do feel happier and I haven't really had much in the way of anxiety issues like I did before. That's all I have time to talk about for now so onward and upwards I guess.