Failing to stop for years, thread to keep me accountable

[ruuddejong]

I saw this in one of the journals and thought it is a nice way to keep track, so I will do it too from now on:

Day 16:
Energy: Low
Mood: Low
Motivation: Low
Libido: Very low
Anxiety: High
Anger/Irritation: Medium

 

[ruuddejong]

Day 17:
Energy: Low
Mood: Very low
Motivation: Very low
Libido: Very low
Anxiety: Medium
Anger/Irritation: Medium

 

[ruuddejong]

I was alone all day yesterday at home and I did not relapse or even glance at anything. That was a huge success! That said, I am traveling next week and that is when I either sleep around or relapse, one side of me wants to contact the girl over there, the other side says no. Resisting to PMO will be easier compared resisting real sex.


Day 18:
Energy: Medium
Mood: Medium
Motivation: Medium
Libido: Very low
Anxiety: Medium
Anger/Irritation: Medium

Morning Wood: None
Tendency or dopamine rush to street ogle: Very high

 

[ruuddejong]

Day 19:
Energy: Medium
Mood: Medium
Motivation: Medium
Libido: Very low
Anxiety: Medium
Anger/Irritation: Medium

Morning Wood: 40%
Tendency or dopamine rush to street ogle: Medium

 

[ruuddejong]

Day 20 to 22:
Energy: Medium
Mood: Medium
Motivation: Medium
Libido: Low
Anxiety: Low
Anger/Irritation: Medium

Morning Wood: 20%
Tendency or dopamine rush to street ogle: Medium

 

[ruuddejong]

Seems like no one reads this but: Day 23-36

I still have not PMOed and I find it easy to keep it that way - however, as it happened before, once I cannot get my high from PMO, I start to look around for the real thing, but not with my wife, with others. So in the last two weeks or so, I slept around with 5 different women, each 2-3 times a night, and regardless of how hot they are, once I did sleep with them, I wanted to do nothing with them, like bye forever.

I also had sex with my wife a few times. But the problem is still the same, with my wife, who is hot as hell, I am trying really hard to get hard (imagine other women etc) and come. With a "new" person I am rock hard and I can cum within seconds if I do not try really hard to not come. 

Does that mean I also have sex addiction?

I started to think the problem is much deeper than porn or sex addiction and that just not doing it will not fix anything - it is probably more psychological than that.

 

[Edit_undo]

Hey man, congrats on 26 days clean, hopefully 28 today.
I?m not really sure what your experience means- not sure what constitutes a sex addiction. But I?m pretty sure our brains were wired to seek novelty so it?s not entirely crazy that it worked with others women and not your wife. But if your goal is healthy relations with your wife I?d cut out other interactions completely. There definitely is a psychological component to this. Rewiring and committing to your current relationship is part of it, I?m still learning the rest. Many others on here have found good success with a professional therapist.
Wishing you the best in recovery.

 

[ruuddejong]

Thanks man!

It is actually day 39 today! And I had huge cravings today when I saw a hot girl on Instagram but I quickly closed it. I hadn't had it for a month.

And yes, I know I should stop interaction with others - that is way too obvious but much more difficult for me than stopping PMO. Although I do believe PMO is causing me to chase others like you said, chasing novelty. Which is also the reason, as soon as I sleep with someone, I lose interest completely. Even do not want a second round and want them to leave me alone. So it is in a way substitute for PMO I guess.

 

[malando]

So in the last two weeks or so, I slept around with 5 different women,

Does that mean I also have sex addiction?

Dunno, but it sure sounds like you're a major asshole. Your wife deserves to know the truth about you. You've got no business pretending you care about her when you're doing this crap. What about the fact that you could give her an incurable disease? What's your justification for this? Are you able to look yourself in the mirror? How do you keep a straight face when you tell your wife you love her - probably only minutes or hours after you've been all over another woman. You only have her because you're lying to her - she would drop you like a bag of dirt if she knew what you're doing. I suggest you take a good look at yourself and drop the self-pity. The least you can do is stop screwing around, be a man and tell your wife who you really are. Unless you do that, your marriage is a joke and you have no hope of recovery because honesty and integrity are the only things that will get you on the road to recovery. Tell your wife. Don't be a coward.

 

[ruuddejong]

It sounds like you do not deserve to be a moderator.

If I wanted to get attacked by people, I would be writing about this somewhere else, not on here. This is an addiction - not that easy to just stop being an asshole. Believe me, I wish it was that easy!

 

[ruuddejong]

On that note, this is day 40. And yes, I am an asshole that is trying to recover. If you have a problem with it, go write on other people's threads and gtfo of mine.

 

[malando]

Hey, you wanted to be accountable, right? Better you get called out on what you're doing than just gentle encouragement. At least I'm telling you you gotta stop this crap rather than giving you a pat on the back and saying "keep on trying". Nobody is saying it's easy - we all know it's not, but screwing around with 5 women in two weeks requires a certain level of planning and forethought. And you said 2-3 times each time? That implies a lot of hours you aren't at home with your wife. So that's not just addiction, that's a full on bender. I think it would be better if you were relapsing on porn than doing this.

It's amazing how many people want points for "trying" but hate it when they get challenged on what they're doing by others. Like "it's ok for me to call myself an asshole, but not for anyone else to call me an asshole". Isn't that illogical? I can guarantee you that the comments you will remember on here will not be the ones like, "keep trying, man", "28 days, nice streak!". It will be comments like mine that tell it like it is. You need accountability and I gave it to you. It's in your interest, man. We addicts cut ourselves too many breaks as it is. Addiction is not easy, it's hell. But the least we must do is not cut ourselves any slack - especially for things that are premeditated and planned. We can't allow that from ourselves. In your case, you can't do that to your wife.

I sincerely hope you will recover from your problem.

 

[imaquitter]

I agree with Malando. Use the opportunity to make a change. You should tell your wife everything.
And bragging here about how many girls you have had does not impress anyone!

 

[ruuddejong]

Well, first of all, I was not and am not bragging. There is literally nothing to brag about, only to be embarrassed about, in my post. It was simply giving context to explain the depth of my problem.

Secondly, I do understand the suggestions and I'd probably suggest the same if I were you - but due to personal problems (not related to me or our relationship), she has been in depression and had ill-thoughts about her life. So while it may sound like an excuse for me (and maybe it is), I do truly think it would not do any favors to her if I went and told her everything. I do not believe there is anything you guys or anyone can tell me to convince me to go tell her what I have done.

And lastly, I do those things only when I travel for business and away from home, and luckily, I do not have any planned travel for the next 2 months, which means I am not going to meet anyone (I never ever met anyone in my city). And I am now at day 43 of no PMO. My hope is that, in two months, when the count shows me 103 days, I will have a much cleaner brain which will not drag me to do those things again. So for the next two months, all I have to do is make sure I do not PMO and I continue to rewire my brain with my wife.

 

[malando]

I know I've given you a serve, but I sincerely wish you all the best with your recovery, RdJ. This addiction is a mind-wrecker. We all need to get out of its clutches.

 

[Joosh]

So for the next two months, all I have to do is make sure I do not PMO and I continue to rewire my brain with my wife.

So how are you going to rewire your guilty consciousness?
I'm amazed by how people think this addiction is simply a matter of the brain. You're dealing with some serious lust issues which is without a doubt rooted in deeper emotional wounds. Someone with a healthy emotional life doesn't just cheat on his little family with 5 strangers. The sooner you realize that, the better.
Without honesty you're not going to get out of this. As said before, your wife deserves the truth and that means you'll have the bite the sour apple and come clean about your addiction.
This isn't going to be solved simply by any amount of days without PMO. By thinking that you're fooling yourself.

 

[Edit_undo]

Well, first of all, I was not and am not bragging. There is literally nothing to brag about, only to be embarrassed about, in my post. It was simply giving context to explain the depth of my problem.

Secondly, I do understand the suggestions and I'd probably suggest the same if I were you - but due to personal problems (not related to me or our relationship), she has been in depression and had ill-thoughts about her life. So while it may sound like an excuse for me (and maybe it is), I do truly think it would not do any favors to her if I went and told her everything. I do not believe there is anything you guys or anyone can tell me to convince me to go tell her what I have done.

And lastly, I do those things only when I travel for business and away from home, and luckily, I do not have any planned travel for the next 2 months, which means I am not going to meet anyone (I never ever met anyone in my city). And I am now at day 43 of no PMO. My hope is that, in two months, when the count shows me 103 days, I will have a much cleaner brain which will not drag me to do those things again. So for the next two months, all I have to do is make sure I do not PMO and I continue to rewire my brain with my wife.

Hey ruuddejong,
I agree with the others, your wife deserves to know! Definitely use some discretion in finding the right time tell her, since you mentioned there are other issues already. Even the 12 step programs such as AA state to make amends directly except where it would cause more harm or injury. Its an important step. It?s going to hurt no matter how it?s disclosed, consider counselling individually or as a couple. Best to get it out in the open, it will help your recovery. We want to see you succeed, that is why we are urging you to come clean. Please don?t feel attacked, each of us share these journals and expect to be called out if we?re missing the mark on something. That?s why we are here, to better each other in recovery. And it?s free advice, take it or leave it. You are the one that knows your situation best.
Wishing you success.

 

[ruuddejong]

Thanks malando and edit_undo. Your suggestions are duly noted - I still want to see if I can get out of this mess without causing her more harm and risking her life.

I do realize it will be much more difficult to recover without coming clean but I am not sure which one is more selfish, coming clean to make recovery easy for myself and make her life hell or making her think I am someone who I am not (which is the case right now).

So for the next two months, all I have to do is make sure I do not PMO and I continue to rewire my brain with my wife.

So how are you going to rewire your guilty consciousness?
I'm amazed by how people think this addiction is simply a matter of the brain. You're dealing with some serious lust issues which is without a doubt rooted in deeper emotional wounds. Someone with a healthy emotional life doesn't just cheat on his little family with 5 strangers. The sooner you realize that, the better.
Without honesty you're not going to get out of this. As said before, your wife deserves the truth and that means you'll have the bite the sour apple and come clean about your addiction.
This isn't going to be solved simply by any amount of days without PMO. By thinking that you're fooling yourself.

That is a good question and point. I do have my doubts - I find it hard to believe by doing just no PMO, I will see significant changes or benefits in my thinking or life. However, I read so many threads on this forum, lots of people do say that they did, so I can try and see. I believe in my case at least, it is also approval addiction (to your point re emotional issues), which will probably require seeing a therapist.

 

[ruuddejong]

Reading all the suggestions and thinking again, this is my plan:

- I will complete full 3 months without PMO and not meet anyone else. Spend more time with my wife, more kissing, cuddling and sex. I will not tell her anything about my addiction, yet.
- At the end of 3-4 months, if I do not see significant changes in myself, I will consult with a therapist and find the best time and way to tell my wife about the addiction.

That said, this is day 44. Yesterday I did end up looking at some photos on Instagram, which immediately gave me a dopamine rush. I did not touch myself or do anything else, once I noticed the rush and erection, I closed the app and distracted myself.

 

[malando]

Reading all the suggestions and thinking again, this is my plan:

- I will complete full 3 months without PMO and not meet anyone else. Spend more time with my wife, more kissing, cuddling and sex. I will not tell her anything about my addiction, yet.
- At the end of 3-4 months, if I do not see significant changes in myself, I will consult with a therapist and find the best time and way to tell my wife about the addiction.

That said, this is day 44. Yesterday I did end up looking at some photos on Instagram, which immediately gave me a dopamine rush. I did not touch myself or do anything else, once I noticed the rush and erection, I closed the app and distracted myself.

Sounds like a step in the right direction, RJD. Good luck with it all.