Failing to stop for years, thread to keep me accountable

[ruuddejong]

Thanks!

Day 45. Yesterday I had huge cravings and random erections and all day I was thinking I will go home and have sex with my wife. Once we were in bed together to sleep, I had no urge at all to do anything so I just went to sleep. This has happened before, I mean, wtf is wrong with me, I am dying to have sex or masturbate all day, but once I am with my wife (again, she is extremely hot), I have no desire at all, zero. Very annoying.

 

[ruuddejong]

I think I will need to close my Instagram. TOo many triggers, always makes me wanna click more and more to see more naked women (I hadn't done this until like 2-3 days ago and today) - luckily I managed to not masturbate but I did get hard and touch for a second or two, then I realized if I continued for just a little more, I'd O. So I stopped. Almost ruined 45 days off effort.

 

[ruuddejong]

Day 47: Woke up with morning wood and had nice sex with my wife! And I was able to change position without losing my erection! Though, I still had flashes of thinking someone else, so I wasn't 100% there as usual but if my normal state is to be 20% there, today it was more like 50-60% there.. Anyone who thinks of others during sex with their partners will get I mean I think.

 

[ruuddejong]

Day 50!

Last night while playing a game, I got really angry and suddenly I felt an urge to go M. Then I realized, how I used PMO or give myself a temprorary fake happiness in situations like this. Like when I am upset to something, I am much more likely to PMO.

Of course thanks to this realization, I did not PMO and quickly started to do something totally unrelated.

I must say, it is getting easier to say no to PMO, but I know from experience that complacency is the worst enemy, especially when you come to 2nd or 3rd months of the reboot.

And lastly, I haven't seen much difference or benefit of the reboot yet, this may be because I continued to have sex with my wife (though not often) and have O during sex. So I already expected this to take longer than usual - nevertheless, I am not going to relapse.

 

[imaquitter]

The no O thing is especially important when it comes to everything else than your wife. P, fantasies and other women will not help you rewire. So everything but the real stuff with your wife will halt your progress. I'm on 116 days since I started rebooting, with 3 PMO slips and a dozen MO slips. But I'm getting there bit by bit. My wife knows about my addiction and we have been talking about how I have changed, especially over the last months. I didn't understand fully what my addiction did to me, but I see how my wife is a lot more affectionate and intimate. That's actually because of my change. I'm not so selfish anymore.

Take care of your wife, a hot wife will leave you if you don't change. Worse than telling her is when she finds out. Because she loves you she closes her eyes for the signs now, and if you don't change her love for you will cool off. Then she will unravel all your deepest secrets...

 

[ruuddejong]

The no O thing is especially important when it comes to everything else than your wife. P, fantasies and other women will not help you rewire. So everything but the real stuff with your wife will halt your progress. I'm on 116 days since I started rebooting, with 3 PMO slips and a dozen MO slips. But I'm getting there bit by bit. My wife knows about my addiction and we have been talking about how I have changed, especially over the last months. I didn't understand fully what my addiction did to me, but I see how my wife is a lot more affectionate and intimate. That's actually because of my change. I'm not so selfish anymore.

Take care of your wife, a hot wife will leave you if you don't change. Worse than telling her is when she finds out. Because she loves you she closes her eyes for the signs now, and if you don't change her love for you will cool off. Then she will unravel all your deepest secrets...

Thanks mate, I think I do understand what you mean, especially the last paragraph.

She told me this weekend she was really happy first time in a long while and we didn't even have sex. I just simply spent more time with her and helped a little more than before. And I would like to think that behavioral change was party or fully due to no PMO.

Day 53 today. Still no sex desire or real libido but I find it much easier to stay on course of no PMO as the days go.

 

[ruuddejong]

Day 54. Feeling some craving - not busy at work, which was usually the time I would look at P subs but so far I resisted.

Also, whenever I am in a mall or crowded places, I get brain fog and my mood becomes very irritated because of all the women around. It is like my brain thinks it is in a candy shop and when I don't give it what it wants (i.e. stare at women and then go to M), the brain goes crazy.

 

[imaquitter]

Also, whenever I am in a mall or crowded places, I get brain fog and my mood becomes very irritated because of all the women around. It is like my brain thinks it is in a candy shop and when I don't give it what it wants (i.e. stare at women and then go to M), the brain goes crazy.

Remember that you are a drug addict! There will be abstinences! You really need to fight off the addiction and rewire!

 

[ruuddejong]

Also, whenever I am in a mall or crowded places, I get brain fog and my mood becomes very irritated because of all the women around. It is like my brain thinks it is in a candy shop and when I don't give it what it wants (i.e. stare at women and then go to M), the brain goes crazy.

Remember that you are a drug addict! There will be abstinences! You really need to fight off the addiction and rewire!

Of course! It really is an addiction - you get to understand it better when you start to feel all weird just because there are women walking around minding their own businesses!

Day 56: Been busy with Christmas etc, so it was easy, but last night wife wanted to have sex and there was no life down there at all. We did not try to do it or touch, but I just felt nothing when she asked, so I told her I am tired and that was it.

Is this a mistake? Should I still try to do it even when I have no desire because I NEVER have the phunking desire or libido, maybe that is the way to bring it to life with my wife?

 

[ruuddejong]

Day 59! Two months done! Can?t wait to get back my libido and stop counting this (ie stop PmO forever)

 

[ruuddejong]

Day 61!

No progress in my libido at all. I guess I am still in flatline. However, wife tells me she is much happier these days (even though we aren't having sex more than before, which is like once or twice a month). Not sure if it is related to my reboot or her own stuff.

In any event, I will continue and hope libido will come back at some point.

Also I should note that, looking at women or occasional hot photos on Instagram, do not give me brain fog or anxiety any more. So it is much easier to say no to PMO. Again, I am not sure if it is because I am in flatline or because it just gets easier with time. I go to gym often these days and meditate sometimes, so something must be working.

 

[imaquitter]

However, wife tells me she is much happier these days (even though we aren't having sex more than before, which is like once or twice a month)

Your wife recognizes your progress. That's obvious.
Do it for her, if not for yourself! She deserves better than the man you was (are)!

 

[imaquitter]

From topic: Secret sex addict seeking a life of truth

... sex with random people, which is a lot worse than porn.

I'm so happy for you ruuddejong, that you fight your battles. You can clean up your mess and become a man worth your wifes love!

 

[ruuddejong]

Thanks man! I am at day 66! Going strong but also in deep flatline, no wood or anything and absolutely no desire to have sex with my wife. Though since she is happier in general, she doesn't mind if we have sex or not for a bit (even though she doesn't know anything about my problem).

Hopefully she will be even happier when finally my libido comes back to life

 

[ruuddejong]

Day 71!

It is going quite well in terms of no PMO - very easy to stay on course when you limit the triggers, however, I do not see much benefit in sexual side of things so far. Still no libido. However, I do spend more time with my wife and kid and they're happier in general, which is the main thing but I still need to solve the desire part of the problem.

I think I am gonna go get my testosterone levels tested.

 

[imaquitter]

Relax. Stress makes it worse.
Your brain needs to learn that love is the trigger on your libido. Not porn.

 

[malando]

Hey RDJ, I'm interested to know your own headspace around your relationship with your wife. I've seen you mention that she is happier with the time you're spending together, but what about yourself? How is spending time with her for you? How do you actually feel about her? You've mentioned that she is "hot", but that's more a statement of how you think the world sees her, but is that how you actually feel when you look at her?

It seems to me like there might be problems in your relationship that aren't being acknowledged. Keep in mind that you might not be alone in this: even though she seems happier, and she's starting to initiate sex with you again, doesn't mean that it's all fine and dandy on her side. She might be worried too, and trying to get things back on track with you by trying to be normal and enthusiastic. But it's very rare that one person in a relationship is totally happy while the other is feeling strange about it. I think you both might need to have some honest conversations about what's working and not working in your relationship. I know this is a tricky subject because you have alluded to your wife having a delicate state of mind recently, but it sounds like it's taken its toll on you - maybe this is what's changed your attraction to your wife? Maybe you view her more with concern and worry now more than interest and fascination. Domestic life can do that. It's not easy to maintain an illusion when harsh reality keeps poking you in the eye. Once a relationship gets to that stage, the illusion can't be rebuilt, so the only way through is to move to a deeper connection, with more communication, more intimacy. This can reignite the sexual flame if it's done properly. But in my experience, once you feel that "nothing" feeling, it doesn't get better unless you get closer and change some things about the way you talk and what you talk about. Keeping things the same doesn't increase attraction. In fact, these situations become intolerable after a while because you feel like sex with your own wife is a disgusting prospect.

 

[malando]

By the way, I don't mean to play down the possibility of a flatline. That can last for a long time. You might be battling on multiple fronts. The flatline will eventually pass, then you have the relationship itself to work on. I seriously doubt a testosterone test will show up anything. It rarely does.

 

[ruuddejong]

Hey RDJ, I'm interested to know your own headspace around your relationship with your wife. I've seen you mention that she is happier with the time you're spending together, but what about yourself? How is spending time with her for you? How do you actually feel about her? You've mentioned that she is "hot", but that's more a statement of how you think the world sees her, but is that how you actually feel when you look at her?

It seems to me like there might be problems in your relationship that aren't being acknowledged. Keep in mind that you might not be alone in this: even though she seems happier, and she's starting to initiate sex with you again, doesn't mean that it's all fine and dandy on her side. She might be worried too, and trying to get things back on track with you by trying to be normal and enthusiastic. But it's very rare that one person in a relationship is totally happy while the other is feeling strange about it. I think you both might need to have some honest conversations about what's working and not working in your relationship. I know this is a tricky subject because you have alluded to your wife having a delicate state of mind recently, but it sounds like it's taken its toll on you - maybe this is what's changed your attraction to your wife? Maybe you view her more with concern and worry now more than interest and fascination. Domestic life can do that. It's not easy to maintain an illusion when harsh reality keeps poking you in the eye. Once a relationship gets to that stage, the illusion can't be rebuilt, so the only way through is to move to a deeper connection, with more communication, more intimacy. This can reignite the sexual flame if it's done properly. But in my experience, once you feel that "nothing" feeling, it doesn't get better unless you get closer and change some things about the way you talk and what you talk about. Keeping things the same doesn't increase attraction. In fact, these situations become intolerable after a while because you feel like sex with your own wife is a disgusting prospect.

Hi malando, I think you are onto something and I have been doubting this myself.

Since she has been quite depressed for quite some time now (lost her last family member), I often asked myself if that is the reason I feel no desire anymore, because I think I (my brain) associated her with complaints, responsibilities and sadly, with sadness. Instead of fun. She is starting to feel better, now that it has been almost a year, so I think even without porn, we will need to do some work together. Also, I did notice that on vacations, I have more erections and desire to have sex with her, which probably explains that "fun" association part.

I asked her countless times (without being pushy) to go see a therapist but she refuses it. So only time will heal her own pain. The question is, when she finally starts to feel better, and when I finally get rid of porn, will things start to go back to being normal/good, or not? That I have no idea and cannot really control it, however I can control my addiction and myself, so that is what I am going to work on.

 

[ruuddejong]

Day 73, after weeks of no morning wood, today I woke up with one, which was a nice surprise. Hopefully it will become consistent.