Reboot...

[Edit_undo]

Checking in, still clean.
Had a good weekend reconnecting with my wife. It?s been a busy few weeks but we finally got some time alone for a day/night away and it was great fun.
At dinner we had a great connection- really catching up I guess. But I?d consider this the most wholesome form of intimacy. I really love that I can talk with her about anything. Brought her up to speed on where I am now: feeling tense/anxious, so cutting caffeine (that?s a big deal, I love my coffee) and why I think this whole mess including ED is related. Not to blame it on porn, though porn surely wouldn?t help. She is very supportive, understanding and tried to help. We talked a bit about life events that may have shaped who I am today or why I do certain things. Her questions helped because we have very different backgrounds, some of her life experiences are foreign to me and vice-versa. I think a lot of these issues are in my head and I just don?t know how to untangle it all but this felt like progress.
So dinner and drinks were great, and managed some intimacy twice (with ED med). I don?t want to become reliant on meds but it was nice to have that experience again. About the same as before pied, did feel a little different so I?m wondering if the body-brain connection is fried. Or forgotten.  I?m considering using meds roughly once a month. Any other time, if the body/brain?s not ready I?ll leave it be.
So back to now: did exercise and meditate today, reduced caffeine for at least 3 days now (decaf or green tea only) and feeling like flat line. No morning wood lately. Sleep is so-so and no triggers.

 

[Edit_undo]

Week 51
Having a good day so far. Still doing no caffeine for now, trying a couple days of absolutely none  (not even decaf) and overall a few weeks of reduced caffeine to see if that will help with broken sleep and anxiety. Feeling pretty calm, although I have been busy the last few days with work and such.
Still replaying the weekend over in my mind, I had a great time away with my wife. Even a couple random semis during the day. Feeling positive right now.
Workout done, meditation up next. No triggers so far. Just trying to get some stuff done today!

Peace!

 

[Edit_undo]

The last few days have been great- felt genuinely happy. Today seems like I?m back to normal - neutral/content. It?s hard for me to explain. Not sure if many people are genuinely happy even 90% of the time but it?s something to strive for I guess. Or maybe many people are usually happy and I?m an anomaly.

I crashed hard last night, fell asleep early and had some dreams. I remember snippets this morning (remembering any dreams at all is rare for me) but the whole plot was fuzzy and probably meaningless anyway.

Workouts and meditations done, no real triggers today but did notice a number of beautiful women at the gym. I don?t think that will ever go away, just working on not dwelling on anyone I see. Today was a success, though not an ace.

 

[allthelights]

Congrats on the morale improvement!  Feeling good about yourself can go a long way.

 

[Edit_undo]

Thanks- and yes it goes a long way.

Still clean and on track. Day 4 of nil caffeine. Probably start introducing some decaf products on Monday for a few days before going back to regular. I haven?t notice any huge improvement in sleep quality or otherwise. Maybe 10 days of reduced/nil caffeine is too short to see change but gosh I miss my coffee. No physical withdrawals anymore but it?s a 10+ year habit - I still want it. Haven?t noticed much change in anxiety or tension either - back to normal (minimal). Still distracted during meditation sometimes.
So far so good today, no triggers or slips. This is no time to get complacent though, home alone tonight (well, with kids). My wife is away.

 

[Edit_undo]

Quick check in today to say I?m still here and intact. Had some quality time with the kids before their bedtime. No big struggles last night while I was alone, although the pull is still there. Scrolling through Netflix last night the brain definitely pays more attention to movies that look more sensual. No chances taken. I would have preferred Groundhog Day in honour of the date but settled on Smokey and the Bandit. My wife is home today and all is good otherwise. Enjoy the day!

 

[Edit_undo]

Today?s the day- the caffeine experiment is over. Results: inconclusive. Duration was probably too short. Still had some nights of terrible sleep even without caffeine. 12 days total (5 of those absolutely no caffeine, the other 7 were decaf only or 1 green tea). So no improvements in quality of sleep but I?ll try not to make it worse by having coffee/tea too late in the day.

Reboot is still going good. Still having incidental exposures - usually some nudity in TV movies (watching with others present) so I just try to move on and not think on it. I guess the important things is I?m not seeking it out and not ?saving? those images in my head for later. Would be great to cut it out. I think I?d be sunk if it came up while I was home alone watching something. Still mostly dead dick. Not entirely. Had some MW and semis but with a lot of recalling real events. Like I?m working hard to see any positive progress (almost making my own false positive result). My opinion is it?s a fine line between memory and fantasy, I?d rather not tempt it too much.
Mood has been mostly good lately, pretty consistent exercise, meditation, and decent diet. Not stellar, but ok. Steady onward.

 

[Edit_undo]

ONE YEAR!
Update

One year ago today is the day I quit porn and MO. I wish I could say everything has been peachy but the truth is, it?s a lot of work. I?m not healed back to normal healthy function (yet) but will be continuing the habits I?ve developed.

I stumbled across this site and YBOP after searching for answers regarding ED. The solution presented was simple. And hard. The simple part, so far, has been quitting PMO. The first few weeks suck. Your brain wants the high, you are in a fog or stupor as you shift gears from dopamine highs back to reality. Exercise helped me, a lot at first (and still does) for these reasons: the feel-good endorphins, gets you out of the house, out of your head (change focus) and sense of accomplishment.

The hard part was/is in my head.  Changing my mindset- de-pornifying my brain. I haven?t had the flashbacks that some people report but have been working on not checking people out all the time.to me, it?s all tied to lust, which is a guilt or shame-inducing concept (all of PMO, actually). Lust is frowned upon (understatement!) in the evangelical church (a gigantic part of my childhood/family life).  Doesn?t seem like it?s healthy in any amount, whether you are religious or not. So the struggle is seeing people as people. Sure, acknowledge beauty. But kill the fantasy based on who you see. Stop being so concerned about body shape and every little detail. Respect everyone as an individual person, more than just what I see.

The other part of my brain that is slowly healing is the self esteem and confidence. Has always seemed low, not specifically because of PMO. But it sure didn?t help. So these other wellness habits - the exercise and eating well and meditation- help to boost it. I feel healthier. Meditation is an outlet to deal with stress and promote calm. I need that.
I am enjoying life. I am happier. This is big to me and I feel like I?ve only seen a glimpse of it in the past few weeks. This breakthrough is an important improvement for me in my own mental well being. Mental health is talked about now more than ever and especially in my field of work.

Physically I feel like not too terribly much has changed. Yeah some MW and occasional NRBs but not much else going on yet. I have not done strict hard mode, rewiring with my wife and occasional 3-4 week stretches in between. As noted in my journal, some ?slips? viewing sexy images while in movies with friends. Not searched for but still delivers the dopamine.  Definitely no MO. All sexual gratification within my marriage. So turning into a more loving and devoted husband and more present father to my kids.

I?m not there yet. Hopefully I will be someday.  But I like this version of me better than last year?s.
Thanks to Reboot Nation for this venue- reading others journals is a huge help. Just writing this and processing everything that has changed is helpful to me.

*edit: typo /grammar

 

[allthelights]

1 year is no small feat, the version of you that comes through in your writing is better and genuine (so great to read that you are happier now!).  You should be proud of what you have accomplished and excited about what is yet to come.

 

[Edit_undo]

Thanks mate. Definitely expecting things to improve still. But overall things are looking up.

 

[Edit_undo]

Quick update today, not much has changed. Been a little down the last couple days, and not sleeping great, so tired. Staying consistent working out and enjoying a few days off work with my wife. No triggers or slips. Staying busy.

 

[Edit_undo]

The last couple days have been down then up for me. I was hoping for some action on Valentine?s Day but it didn?t pan out that way, so self imposed expectations were a failure. At least we had a nice meal together.
The weekend was good, we were with friends for a celebration and had dinner, drinks and dancing. It was nice to let loose a bit, I?m pretty reserved (uptight is more accurate I guess). The group of friends was right and had more than a few drinks to relax. Some people are confident enough to dance sober; I am not. Wish I could not worry so much about what others think all the time. Part of it is fear of failure I guess. I have not found a permanent solution for these.
So was nice to dance with my wife and we did find some time to be intimate. Still on Ed meds for some insurance but no complaints.
Back to the kids today. I feel more stressed around them, (they sure can be demanding!) I truly just want to be relaxed and happy-go-lucky. Meditation hasn?t really helped with this. I?m sure they can sense it right? I don?t think of myself being high strung but it seems that I am.

 

[Edit_undo]

Back to a more normal schedule today. Exercise and long meditation, about 45 minutes. Seemed to help me relax, the guided apps are the way to go. No real triggers or slip ups today. I still catch my self noticing certain women/assets while I?m out and about. I try not to stress about it, just divert attention to something else. Don?t be a creep lol. 
Reading through YBOP site again for more helpful tips/ resources. Interesting couple links about kegels. Should we be worried about those muscles wasting while on reboot? Is it a concern?
Not sure myself.

Not much else going on these days.

 

[Edit_undo]

Checking in today- I?ve been busy with some extra work this weekend so have had to skip workouts, I don?t like that. Skimping on meditation too. I guess being this busy is an ok change of pace, glad it?s not permanent. Working to update some qualifications this weekend, so at least there?s some social aspect meeting new people in my industry.
Reboot is still going ok, not much temptation or triggers. Fooled around with my wife but PE/ED was a factor. Still fun but not as high functioning as I have been or feel like I should be. It?s difficult to not be frustrated. I still trust the process but I?m so impatient. I want to be fixed now. On the other hand I?ve been preoccupied making sure I?m ready for this training and stress is enough to kill any mojo.
Will keep on keeping on, the rest of you do the same. Or better!

 

[KittyHawk]

Edit_undo: I understand the impatience very well. My main motivation for quitting PMO is that I want to have quality sex with my wife. If you are still trying rewiring with your wife, I suggest you pick times that your stress level is as low as possible. I had best results in the past when I was completely relaxed.

 

[Edit_undo]

Hey KittyHawk!
Thanks, that makes sense but it?s been a struggle actually calming down. I have never felt like I?m anxious before and never had any panic or anxiety attacks. Its like my brain is aware of something I should be stressed about in the background. I?m not sure if this is only recent (since dropping PMO) or what.. have always been shy/less confident especially in social situations. This past fall I changed chiropractors and part of the health assessment is a finger pad heart variability test... showing overall I?m caught in fight/flight mode and showing signs of stress. That was about 6-7 months into this reboot. So whether this is reboot related or not I don?t know. I started meditating a few months ago, my doctor suggested progressive muscle relaxation also.
All that to say, you?re right stress is a huge factor. I?m working on it but seriously don?t know how else to reduce stress. Meditation, exercise, daily gratitude, decent diet, short cold shower...i try to be consistent. I?m hoping this is a transitional period only...something has changed because I have not had a single cold this year and normally (especially with kids) I feel like I get sick easily.

So I?m open to any suggestions from anyone to reduce or manage stress better. Would probably help the PIED/PA anyway...

 

[KittyHawk]

All that you already mentioned helps and I also suggest you try watching very funny comedies. Laughing alleviates stress nicely.

 

[Georgos]

Hi EO, I two struggle with anxiety and panic-attacks from time to time. One of the consequences has been reactionary, trying to change my world through challenging behaviour in anticipation of the next one. That can cause a lack of friendship with the people you are reacting against whilst impressing others, but the impressiveness doesn't translate into friendship either. Those who are impressed will abandon you when the time comes. Finding the joy in life even in the suffering is the key, not fearing anything through becoming a passive observer helps as well. Thank you.

 

[Edit_undo]

KittyHawk: thanks for the idea, I?ll give it a go.

Georgos: While I haven?t had a panic attack yet, my experience with anxiety is when I cannot calm myself down. I?d consider myself a bit socially anxious. Sometimes I can?t turn my brain off when I want to sleep. Sometimes during meditation I just can?t focus or slow the thoughts coming into my head. I think it makes me anxious because I feel like I have no control, even over the thoughts coming into my head! So you are right, maybe practicing passively observing when that happens would help. That is in line with most of the guided meditations, ?observe/acknowledge, but let it pass?.
And yeah, as far as finding joy even in suffering: there is always something to be thankful for. It just has to be realized. Thanks.

Journal:
Happy March 1! Hopefully that means spring is closer...
I noticed last week I had a few nights in a row that I remembered my dreams. Even if they were only snippets, sometimes realized later in the morning by some fluke or trivial notion that caused me to remember part of it. They were all rubbish but the fact that I remembered three or four days in a row, a piece of dream from the night before is unusual for me. Also this week woke up in the night with a decent erection two nights. So something is changing, don?t know what. Have had pretty good motivation this week to take on some extra little tasks or try new recipes (I?m primarily at home this week, so more dinner responsibilities on me). Even had time to take the dog for a walk, found lots of animal tracks in the snow. It?s been a good week.

Reboot is still on track, choosing not to objectify women on tv or in person. Acknowledge beauty and move on. No PMO ever. Been watching more Noah Church videos this week. He had some good points about realizing when you are past PIED and how to overcome PA, just kinda realize you?re not completely in control of erections and stuff. If you?re relaxed and aroused things are probably gonna work out well.

I guess one last note- I went to an information seminar by the women?s association (ywca) recently about human trafficking. There are a few different subsets of human trafficking, the one relevant to this board has to do with escorts and prostitution. If you need any MORE motivation to avoid these outlets, please! realize that the majority of women in the sex trade are not there by choice, are struggling with substance abuse (either to cope with this lifestyle or because drugs are what got them into it), and don?t have a great chance of getting out cleanly without significant physical and mental harm. Even attempting to flee often results in physical injury. Straight up, they are treated like property (income potential) and not people. Really demoralizing to see that this stuff is happening today.

 

[Edit_undo]

Good day today. Busy at work (always nice, and personally fulfilling), had professional interactions with a good looking lady and still got a good workout in this morning. And meditated before work. Pretty confident and in a good mood today. No problem keeping busy either. Still have some studying to do, I?m taking a course to improve my rank. It?s a long term investment, but it will make me more effective in my current role anyway. I see it as a win-win.
Not much change on the reboot front. No triggers/close calls. Still feels like dead dick central, no real libido to speak of. Just the conditioned desire for sexuality. I mean my initial reaction is ?go for it!? If presented with the opportunity for sex. The reality is i think it would be very disappointing.  PIED is still a very real factor- the body/brain is not ready. No signs indicating I?m ready anyway. Still hopeful for a healthy recovery someday.