Here we go
- Thread starter jasonsjunk1975
- Start date
jasonsjunk1975
Member
I'm failing again. I don't know how to get out of this awful rut. Again it's like I can't be alone or have unoccupied time. I have to have some down time don't I? I guess this is where exercise comes in. I honestly don't feel like doing anything, but when I'm alone and unoccupied, I fail. Trying really hard to do the right thing.
NewVerse
Member
jasonsjunk1975 said:
I understand this. I fail the mostwhen left to my own devices and I hate it because when I'm so busy most of the time, I just want some down time to relax and do the things I enjoy. Then I would waste that time binging. I wish I had some sure fire advice for it other than don't do it. Get out of the house, take a walk, take a cold shower for a minute, meditate. maybe compile a list of alternative things to do when you are alone. I have tried all these things and none are magic bullets. I'm on a solid clean streak right now, but I have been where you are more times that I can count.
Just keep pushing. Always.
jasonsjunk1975
Member
Thank you New Verse for the encouragement.
I do feel like the best thing for me to do is just keep busy. There's a life that I want badly and I feel like I should just push towards that no matter how exhausting it is. Bingeing is just as exhausting and time consuming, but it's so unproductive.
I almost feel like all of this has affected my brain, like I"m ADD or something. I'm simply having a tough time working and staying organized. My thoughts are disorganized.
I do feel like the best thing for me to do is just keep busy. There's a life that I want badly and I feel like I should just push towards that no matter how exhausting it is. Bingeing is just as exhausting and time consuming, but it's so unproductive.
I almost feel like all of this has affected my brain, like I"m ADD or something. I'm simply having a tough time working and staying organized. My thoughts are disorganized.
jasonsjunk1975
Member
So I have found that my biggest problem is my phone. I can resist it everywhere (desktop, tablet). But I can't seem to resist my phone. The annoying part is that there is very little reward in it. To small. But I always go to it and I'm not sure how to give it up with that. I have to have my phone.
I'm trying to find a way to lock it or put a panic button on there. Something to keep the porn from it when I'm at my most vulnerable.
Tonight will be a bit hard for me. I've run out of things to do so I'll be going for a long walk and then trying to organize my week until I fall asleep. Going to sleep without porn is hard for me.
I'm trying to find a way to lock it or put a panic button on there. Something to keep the porn from it when I'm at my most vulnerable.
Tonight will be a bit hard for me. I've run out of things to do so I'll be going for a long walk and then trying to organize my week until I fall asleep. Going to sleep without porn is hard for me.
jasonsjunk1975
Member
Journalling now simply to keep my hands busy. I've done pretty much all I can think of to do. It's a matter of staying away from the phone. I wish I knew how to draw, or sketch or crochet or something. I need something to occupy my mind.
jasonsjunk1975
Member
Thank you Bob,
I just came across it last night and I have put it on my phone.
I just came across it last night and I have put it on my phone.
jasonsjunk1975
Member
I think I'm in a deep depression and I don't know how to get out of it. Very much feeling like a failure in life and that there is no hope. It's one of those times that I wish I didn't have a family. If I didn't have one, I could just give up. But I can't give up today no matter how bad I want to. It's such a place of torture to be desperate to give up, but unable.
I never truly mean that I want to give up my family or wish I didn't have them. I'm very thankful for them. I just wish that I could take a bit of a break and there is no chance for that. Things are dire.
I never truly mean that I want to give up my family or wish I didn't have them. I'm very thankful for them. I just wish that I could take a bit of a break and there is no chance for that. Things are dire.
bob
Respected Member
Please take solace in the idea that you are not alone.
My depression is one of the great feeders of the challenges I face, whether it is porn, masturbation, self-esteem, organization, procrastination. Man, when I start to write all these things down, I'm really screwed up. :0)
Seriously, depression is my biggest hurtle. It is what holds me back and makes me run to medicate myself with pmo/mo.
I am not sure these are the words of support I wanted to give but i do understand your pain. I hope you can find someone to talk to about this. It's a real challenge when one is by themselves.
Peace my brother.
My depression is one of the great feeders of the challenges I face, whether it is porn, masturbation, self-esteem, organization, procrastination. Man, when I start to write all these things down, I'm really screwed up. :0)
Seriously, depression is my biggest hurtle. It is what holds me back and makes me run to medicate myself with pmo/mo.
I am not sure these are the words of support I wanted to give but i do understand your pain. I hope you can find someone to talk to about this. It's a real challenge when one is by themselves.
Peace my brother.
uncreatedlight
Active Member
Yeah, insomnia is the dear friend of unquenched horniness. I know it well. What kind of blocker do you have on your phone? You need one to prevent the "Oops how did I end up here?" phenomenon. Navigating to porn and social media sites is like driving home and not remembering the drive, you just end up there unconsciously. The blocker will remove that unconscious gravitation.
I recommend hardmode at the beginning. It extracts you from the hedonistic treadmill completely. It removes all hope, which paradoxically lets you rest and discover a new baseline.
I recommend hardmode at the beginning. It extracts you from the hedonistic treadmill completely. It removes all hope, which paradoxically lets you rest and discover a new baseline.
jasonsjunk1975
Member
Thank you Bob and Uncreated light.
Yesterday was just a big binge. Nothing productive about it at all. The urges are awful. It's the damn phone. I can't find a software for my phone that isn't super easy to remove.
Today is better, but I'm just exhausted from yesterday.
I have done my best to screw up the phone. I don't really need the phone except to talk and text my wife. I've restricted content and hidden it the best I can. Please God give me the strength to resist it when the time comes.
Yesterday was just a big binge. Nothing productive about it at all. The urges are awful. It's the damn phone. I can't find a software for my phone that isn't super easy to remove.
Today is better, but I'm just exhausted from yesterday.
I have done my best to screw up the phone. I don't really need the phone except to talk and text my wife. I've restricted content and hidden it the best I can. Please God give me the strength to resist it when the time comes.
jasonsjunk1975
Member
Keeping busy. Just exhausted. Trying not to watch the clock, but that seems to be the only thing I know to do. The day is halfway over. I wish I could have some sort of break from the struggle and the guilt.
jasonsjunk1975
Member
I failed again. I'm thinking today was just laziness. There really was no need except an overwhelming amount of stress I was under today. At some point I have to stop blaming an inability and man up.
jasonsjunk1975
Member
So I realized that I am just journaling, but not making much of an effort to reboot. I'd rather journal about the struggle of rebooting rather than journaling about my failures and binges.
It's been a crazy couple of days.
Here we go.
It's been a crazy couple of days.
Here we go.
jasonsjunk1975
Member
So I woke up with a new sense of purpose. Today is a beginning of a reboot. For some reason I'm pretty confident at the moment. Yesterday was spent in a lot of prayer and reflection. I don't think I have ever poured my heart out to God like I did yesterday. I didn't necessarily feel comforted, only spent. But this morning I woke up with a sense of comfort and confidence.
I've ordered my day. I am ready.
I've ordered my day. I am ready.
jasonsjunk1975
Member
Halfway through the day and I feel like I've climbed a mountain. Kind of emotionally numb. Not sure why. I have prayed for the strength to do this. I know God answers prayers. I have just failed so many times that I'm worried. But I have to approach this is a known struggle. It will be hard and I'm prepared for it.
It is simply a matter of "persevere or lose everything." I simply cannot lose everything.
It is simply a matter of "persevere or lose everything." I simply cannot lose everything.
jasonsjunk1975
Member
Thank you Bob! I am definitely embracing the pain now. Trying to stay busy. Trying to focus and stay organized. It's hard, but i'm committed.
jasonsjunk1975
Member
It's only 2:45 and the urges are increasing. Quite frustrating and very distracting. I have a lot I need to do and it's hard to do it with these distractions. I'm doing my best to be a bit more mindful about everything rather than run from the urges or get frustrated or give in. Someone posted in their journal about RAIN. Recognize, Allow, Investigate and Note. This is a bit more forgiving rather than the white knuckle approach. I'm trying it, but already beginning to tell myself little lies that will justify me doing what I want to do.